The Mail I Get – Lame Pitches Edition

I get some really lame pitches from people who want me to review their books, read their screenplays, or co-write novels with them. Here’s a sampling, the first one from a man who wants to co-author novels with me:

My Name is XYZ, I am a Law Man, writing such things as Natural Laws and Society Laws in drama, ENT and others. Lets Collaborate. It going to be good.I await your response.

How could I ignore such a compelling pitch? I’m setting aside my next collaboration with Janet Evanovich to write a novel with him. Here’s a review pitch, one of the many I get every day:

I really need your help!!
I understand that you may be interested in reviewing erotica works?
I finally got my act together and published 5 works (Yay me!) but frankly, I have no idea if I’m actually any good or if I completely suck. I can’t give them to family to review because that would make family dinners really awkward and my friends (after mocking me big time) would only tell me they were fabulous because their my friends.
I’m already making steady sales on Amazon which is awesome but no one has left any feedback so I don’t know how the material is being received. Is it good, bad or completely awful? If it’s drivel, what do I need to work on?
I would really appreciate it if you could read and review one of my works:

So to find out if her books suck, she’s self-publishing them and asking people who don’t read or review erotica to post on Amazon their opinions of her work. Now that’s a winning strategy. Next time I’m in the mood for a book about a woman who gets it on with “one sexy, kinky horned God,” I’ll be sure to check her book out. Here’s another one:

Let me introduce myself, I am X, author of  “XYZ” to teach you the perfect foundation of Knitting (Knitting Patterns, Crochet, Yarn) which is currently available in digital format on Amazon Kindle for 0$. I am inquiring if you may have the time to read and provide an honest unbiased review? I got your contact form Amazon Top Reviewer list, and from your profile it shows that you do book reviews.If you would be interested to review my book, I would be highly grateful. I’d be happy to give you a free copy of the book if you miss to purchase book on regular promo, just let me know. If you decide to post your review please write that you got it as free complimentary copy, or something which will indicate that you provided an unbiased review.

Aside from the fact I don’t knit, and I have never reviewed a book on knitting before, her pitch is loaded with grammatical, spelling, and typographical errors. It’s a solicitation that’s doomed to failure,  just like her book.

I hope this email finds you in the best health. My name is XYZ and I, previously, offered you my FREE Appetizers book and I hope you like it. And I’d love to offer you my latest cookbook ‘Salad Recipes XYZ’.  I figure it might well appeal to you, particularly if you’re in the mood for a light read and something different. I absolutely love your reviews, since they provide lots of value to potential customers and are absolutely honest and straightforward. Therefore, I want to ask you whether you are potentially interested to review my book?

If he’s read my reviews, which he clearly hasn’t, he’d know I don’t review cook books and that my idea of light reading for relaxation is not a book of salad recipes. Beyond that, his pitch is horribly written. Otherwise, it really works.