solicitations

The Mail I Get – Lame Solicitations Edition

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61AtgxJFs0L._UX522_I get swamped with email solicitations asking me to buy services or review products. Some of the solicitations are so awful, it’s amazing to me that they do any business at all. Here’s one I got today from a book-binding company:

Dear Manager, Sorry to bother you. Located in Hanghzhou,China ,Rootis printing is a printing hoouse who specilalized in different kinds of books such as catalog,hardcase,spiral binding,pop-up,board books and packaing products We always keep strict principle of high quanlity,upon the basis of quanlity,we provide the best price for the clients. May I get the chance to introduce our pricing and our products? It will be great hornor to hear from your suggests about our company and our printed products I am sure we can become valuable partners and bring good work to each other. Please let me know your any comments on this matter.  Best regards, Frank

Well, it’s clear from your email, Frank, that you  “keep strict principle of high quanlity.” Your email, and your obvious pride in attention to detail, says it all. The same goes for this other company that reached out to me today for a review:

Hello, Dear Amazon product reviewer

We are the seller selling on Amazon.com

Would you mind to have a test with our product ASIN :B00LL462CE

Our selling link on Amazon is : http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LL462CE

We would be great appreciated if you can write a fair product review
for us after you got and using the product.

Kindly please contact me at this email with your shipping address(except PO BOX address) if you are interested in our product.

We will send the product for you as soon as get your confirmation.

Thank you very much for your interesting

 

unnamed-3So glad you contacted to me with your compelling sales pitch. I can always use a new “Outop Women Harness Body Chain Bikini Chain Crossover Belly Waist Chain.” But I have a question: Is it a chain?

If you missed our first review round for the cat tunnels, here is your chance!
Our company has cat tunnels and designed for cats. Your opinion matters to us and the other customers, so we would appreciate if you can take a few moments to review our product. Please reply with your address, we will send the product over to you via mail.

I did miss your first round. I think it’s great that you’re designing cat tunnels for cats instead of cat tunnels for squirrels or other animals that are not cats. I also think its great that you want to mail me a cat tunnel via mail rather than donkey, or bicycle messenger, since I think that might be difficult.  I don’t have a cat, but I think everyone should have a cat tunnel in case a cat shows up.

The Mail I Get – Lame Pitches Edition

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I get some really lame pitches from people who want me to review their books, read their screenplays, or co-write novels with them. Here’s a sampling, the first one from a man who wants to co-author novels with me:

My Name is XYZ, I am a Law Man, writing such things as Natural Laws and Society Laws in drama, ENT and others. Lets Collaborate. It going to be good.I await your response.

How could I ignore such a compelling pitch? I’m setting aside my next collaboration with Janet Evanovich to write a novel with him. Here’s a review pitch, one of the many I get every day:

Hello.
I really need your help!!
I understand that you may be interested in reviewing erotica works?
I finally got my act together and published 5 works (Yay me!) but frankly, I have no idea if I’m actually any good or if I completely suck. I can’t give them to family to review because that would make family dinners really awkward and my friends (after mocking me big time) would only tell me they were fabulous because their my friends.
I’m already making steady sales on Amazon which is awesome but no one has left any feedback so I don’t know how the material is being received. Is it good, bad or completely awful? If it’s drivel, what do I need to work on?
I would really appreciate it if you could read and review one of my works:

So to find out if her books suck, she’s self-publishing them and asking people who don’t read or review erotica to post on Amazon their opinions of her work. Now that’s a winning strategy. Next time I’m in the mood for a book about a woman who gets it on with “one sexy, kinky horned God,” I’ll be sure to check her book out. Here’s another one:

Let me introduce myself, I am X, author of  “XYZ” to teach you the perfect foundation of Knitting (Knitting Patterns, Crochet, Yarn) which is currently available in digital format on Amazon Kindle for 0$. I am inquiring if you may have the time to read and provide an honest unbiased review? I got your contact form Amazon Top Reviewer list, and from your profile it shows that you do book reviews.If you would be interested to review my book, I would be highly grateful. I’d be happy to give you a free copy of the book if you miss to purchase book on regular promo, just let me know. If you decide to post your review please write that you got it as free complimentary copy, or something which will indicate that you provided an unbiased review.

Aside from the fact I don’t knit, and I have never reviewed a book on knitting before, her pitch is loaded with grammatical, spelling, and typographical errors. It’s a solicitation that’s doomed to failure,  just like her book.

I hope this email finds you in the best health. My name is XYZ and I, previously, offered you my FREE Appetizers book and I hope you like it. And I’d love to offer you my latest cookbook ‘Salad Recipes XYZ’.  I figure it might well appeal to you, particularly if you’re in the mood for a light read and something different. I absolutely love your reviews, since they provide lots of value to potential customers and are absolutely honest and straightforward. Therefore, I want to ask you whether you are potentially interested to review my book?

If he’s read my reviews, which he clearly hasn’t, he’d know I don’t review cook books and that my idea of light reading for relaxation is not a book of salad recipes. Beyond that, his pitch is horribly written. Otherwise, it really works.