I got the following emails this week from self-published authors eager to get some attention for their books, both of which were "published" by Booksurge. I have removed the names of the authors and the links, but otherwise the emails are unedited:
Hi Lee,
I would be grateful if you could read my new book and provide an Amazon review. Here's a link to my site: xyz.
If you are interested in the book, give me a mailing address and I will mail you a copy.
I wonder why he didn't ask me to blog about it rather than leave an Amazon review. It's not a very persuasive pitch, but it's positively irresistible compared to the following one from publicist Paul J. Stupin at DirectContactPR:
Mr. Lee Goldberg Blogger,
Can we interest you in taking a look at this captivating crime and mystery novel by author XYZ? Please provide us with your best street address so we can send you a review copy.
Paul J. Stupin, Publicist for [Author's Name]
That compelling, captivating, and powerful pitch was followed by summary of the book's plot, which began:
Vancouver based author [Author's Name miss-spelled] drew upon his 20 years as an insurance salesman to create a riveting tale of crime and punishment in the big city.
His new book, XYZ, is a devious page turner all about a Chicago Tribune reporter, named Miles Fischer. He’s wrapping up what he thinks is just another rape and murder trial, until the two convicted felons are found dead from a crossbow, in the muddy parking lot of a rundown bar just days after their surprising acquittal.
It turns out the guy who wrote me this pitch is the author of TRASH PROOF PRESS RELEASES: THE SUREFIRE WAY TO GET PUBLICITY…and this, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those trash-proof, sure-fire press releases.
Honest. I'm not kidding.
Paul charges $500 for a national, email publicity package. But if you can't afford a campaign of trash-proof, sure-fire emails like the one I got, he only charges $100 to critique your press releases. Who wouldn't want the master behind this trash-proof, surefire publicity email to give you some pointers? Why, that'd be a deal at 10 times the price! But if that's still too pricey for you, maybe he'll give you a discount in return for teaching him the proper use of a comma.
You certainly do get interesting mail, Mr. Blogger.
I noticed on Mr. Stupin’s website that he makes many other publicity offers, too. I’ve copied and pasted two below:
News Release Written for You $300.00
Let us use our creative to identify what’s best for you based on where you are right now and where you want to go.
Web or Telephone Seminars By the Hour $500.00
You decide when and who you want to be there we’ll put on the show and teach your people how to make the media fall in love with you Identify the topic, put us on a speaker phone. Let’s do it!
Who could resist?
The “two convicted felons” were “found dead from a crossbow”? You think they were bludgeoned to death? Crossbows don’t usually kill people, bolts do.
OMG! Unbelievable.
He’s wrapping up what he thinks is just another rape and murder trial, until the two convicted felons are found dead from a crossbow, in the muddy parking lot of a rundown bar just days after their surprising acquittal.
Now, granted, my entire understanding of the legal system comes from watching “Boston Legal” reruns and reading Lisa Scottoline novels, but … I am pretty sure you cannot be a convicted felon who has been acquitted. Because if you are acquitted, it means you were not convicted. Unless I am missing something. Yes, that’s it; I’m sure it’s me. …
Goldberg, are you able to add hot links, adjust margins, and change fonts using your transcription software?
Probably, but I am not smart enough to figure it out. I am just doing simple dictation…though not anymore. I am back to typing again, I am glad to say.
How exactly does 20 years as an insurance salesman in Vancouver prepare you to write about crime and punishment in the big city?