The Sandwich

The towncar driver who picked me up at the Grand Hyatt in Manhattan yesterday asked me if I’d like a Chinese sandwich before heading out to the airport.
"No thanks," I said. "I just had lunch."
"It’s not food," he said. "It’s the greatest experience of your life."
"What is it?"
"It’s two naked Chinese women covered with soap bubbles who hug each other…with you in between. You can go as far as you want with them."
"No thanks," I said.
"Are you sure?" he said. "It’s something you’ll remember when you’re old, sitting in your rocking chair, and it will bring a smile to your face."
"It’s not my kind of thing," I said.
"Are you gay?"
"So what?" he said. "She’ll never know."
"I will," I said.
He grinned. "That’s the point."
"I’m really not interested."
Actually, I was very interested. Not in experiencing the Sandwich for myself, but I wanted to know if he’d done it, how many of the men he drove around took him up on the offer, and how many of them got a sexually transmitted disease. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask.
"You mean to tell me you’ve never played around?" The driver asked.
"Nope," I said.
"How long have you been married?"
"About twenty years," I said.
He stared at me in shock. "How do you do it?"
I shrugged.  "It doesn’t take any effort at all."
"Because you don’t like sex?"
"Because I love my wife," I said.
He shook his head. "That’s really sad. You only live once, you know."

16 thoughts on “The Sandwich”

  1. One more question I’d have wanted to ask: How much cash winds up in the driver’s pocket for each “sandwich” sold? It must be a good chunk of change, he was really giving you the hard-sell (no pun intended).

  2. The driver is trying to make it sound like if you don’t, you’re missing something and will regret it later. But the opposite is true. It would only prey on your mind and undermine your marriage, and probably lower your self-esteen. A good marriage is worth far more than indiscriminate sex. And sex within a loving marriage is the best sex of all.

  3. Who is this Dan Williams dude who reads the Monk books several times (really?) and has, in has last two posts, pontificated on self-esteem?

  4. What a twonk! Reminds me of the guys who proposition me and when I say I have long-time registered DP, they say, “So? Don’t you have an open relationship?” like it’s obligatory when you’re gay. Sheesh.

  5. EJ, don’t you read the Monk books many times? I do this to work out the structure and the chapter sections, and the story beats. It’s one way to improve, I find.
    As for comments on “self-esteem”, they just seem to fit. But I admit I get a little too serious sometimes. This was a joke post and a joking reply was probably more appropriate.
    Anyway, am I a dude? Really. I didn’t realize that. I think you’ve raised my self-esteem. Hope there’s a great L.A. day coming for us all tomorrow!

  6. I don’t know who Dan is, E.J, but I do know that he only posts here under one identity…as opposed to you, for example.

  7. Lee, I’m just a Canadian guy in my early 50’s, single, working on writing in the town of Guelph, Ontario, Canada, where I went to university for my Masters in English Lit.
    I try to read as many books on the writing process as possible, and your book written with Mr. Rabkin, “Successful Television Writing,” was outstanding. I downloaded some of your Murder Diagnosis scripts and found them to be refreshing and very funny. So I was very happy you had a blog and I just jumped in. I’ve written eight novels and one non-fiction book, but they are not good enough for publication. I’m hoping my next novel will get there.
    Anyway, if sometimes I’m annoying, it’s part of my charm. But in my own defense, I have had a life-long love affair with novels and I like them all equally. My focus is structure. Every published novelist seems to be naturally very good at it. Your Monk books are also. And I really enjoy working out the plots, and one day I’ll teach my research in a seminar course. Well, it’s great-L.A.-day time again, which means lots of great writing gets done today!


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