I get some really lame pitches from people who want me to review their books, read their screenplays, or co-write novels with them. Here’s a sampling, the first one from a man who wants to co-author novels with me:
My Name is XYZ, I am a Law Man, writing such things as Natural Laws and Society Laws in drama, ENT and others. Lets Collaborate. It going to be good.I await your response.
How could I ignore such a compelling pitch? I’m setting aside my next collaboration with Janet Evanovich to write a novel with him. Here’s a review pitch, one of the many I get every day:
I really need your help!!
I understand that you may be interested in reviewing erotica works?
I finally got my act together and published 5 works (Yay me!) but frankly, I have no idea if I’m actually any good or if I completely suck. I can’t give them to family to review because that would make family dinners really awkward and my friends (after mocking me big time) would only tell me they were fabulous because their my friends.
I’m already making steady sales on Amazon which is awesome but no one has left any feedback so I don’t know how the material is being received. Is it good, bad or completely awful? If it’s drivel, what do I need to work on?
I would really appreciate it if you could read and review one of my works:
So to find out if her books suck, she’s self-publishing them and asking people who don’t read or review erotica to post on Amazon their opinions of her work. Now that’s a winning strategy. Next time I’m in the mood for a book about a woman who gets it on with “one sexy, kinky horned God,” I’ll be sure to check her book out. Here’s another one:
Let me introduce myself, I am X, author of “XYZ” to teach you the perfect foundation of Knitting (Knitting Patterns, Crochet, Yarn) which is currently available in digital format on Amazon Kindle for 0$. I am inquiring if you may have the time to read and provide an honest unbiased review? I got your contact form Amazon Top Reviewer list, and from your profile it shows that you do book reviews.If you would be interested to review my book, I would be highly grateful. I’d be happy to give you a free copy of the book if you miss to purchase book on regular promo, just let me know. If you decide to post your review please write that you got it as free complimentary copy, or something which will indicate that you provided an unbiased review.
Aside from the fact I don’t knit, and I have never reviewed a book on knitting before, her pitch is loaded with grammatical, spelling, and typographical errors. It’s a solicitation that’s doomed to failure, just like her book.
I hope this email finds you in the best health. My name is XYZ and I, previously, offered you my FREE Appetizers book and I hope you like it. And I’d love to offer you my latest cookbook ‘Salad Recipes XYZ’. I figure it might well appeal to you, particularly if you’re in the mood for a light read and something different. I absolutely love your reviews, since they provide lots of value to potential customers and are absolutely honest and straightforward. Therefore, I want to ask you whether you are potentially interested to review my book?
If he’s read my reviews, which he clearly hasn’t, he’d know I don’t review cook books and that my idea of light reading for relaxation is not a book of salad recipes. Beyond that, his pitch is horribly written. Otherwise, it really works.
16 thoughts on “The Mail I Get – Lame Pitches Edition”
This is why I never approached you with any of my pitches, Lee. How could they match up to these?
Lee….surprised you aren’t taking on that erotica. 🙂
here’s what’s wrong w/it: My Name is XYZ, I am a Law Man, writing such things as Natural Laws and Society Laws in drama, ENT and others. Lets Collaborate. It going to be good.I await your response.
a) “law man?” why is it capitalized?
b) natural laws like what comes up must come down, everybody dies?
c) i think you mean criminal laws or at least societal laws
f and g) It’s going to be good; I await your response.
now…list some of your titles and give some samples of your work.
Picky, picky, picky.
apparently those guys never heard of facebook; messaging you is free!
Well, then I guess I won’t bother you with my pitch I’m preparing for HBO: It’s a detective show, only they’re vampires. It will be called TRUE BLOOD DETECTIVE.
I got the one from the knitting lady and keep getting those same recipe book requests from the author. I tried ignoring them, but kept getting a new one every couple of days. I finally replied with I don’t do recipe books. Please don’t send any more. We’ll see if that works..
Sure, sure. But who was it that knitted you that scarf, made you that delicious salad for lunch, then drove you to the airport?
Tell me, do you like rare erotica?
The truth will come out, Goldberg!
I first read that as “rat erotica.”
Obviously, the cookbook author doesn’t know about your love of chicken pies….could have written “Chicken Pies Around the World.”
So does this mean you’re not going to review my erotic knitting book?
Anybody writing a blog with a Google ranking above “catatonic” tends to get these. Many are written by people who have “published” stories, yet they can’t form a coherent sentence.
I used to write stinging emails back to them, but now simply try to enjoy them for the entertainment value.
I recently got on the list of a publisher pumping out extreme right-wing titles. The pitches were familiar and friendly, as if I’d somehow indicated a willingness to join the merry band of chuckleheads who believed Jews controlled the technology found in crashed alien spacecraft and were using it to dominate the oppressed white male underclass.
People ask writers where they get their ideas.
I recently had someone offer their Romantic Suspense novel. I checked the sample on Amazon and declined because the book seemed a waste of time. Then the author offered the book for free because she liked that I gave her honest feedback and perhaps I could give her some more?
I referred her to critique circles, something she should’ve done before she published.
I’m getting variations on the last one from a number of different emails. They all have the subject, “Would You Like to Review My Book?”, similar formatting, and the line, “I absolutely love your reviews, since they provide lots of value to potential customers and are absolutely honest and straightforward. Therefore, I want to ask you whether you are potentially interested to review my book?”
(I got the salad one, too. And my Amazon profile says I only review art-related books.)
Seems they’re following some template. Nothing feels better than to be sent a form letter!
I receive many poorly written review queries, and sometimes refer their authors to my article on how to write a good one: http://www.emptymirrorbooks.com/publishing/how-to-write-an-excellent-book-review-query.html
But probably few of them bother to do so.
OMG< these are hysterical, keep 'em coming!!
Aghhhh. Your “mail I get” blogs are always painful. Yet I can’t look away.