Month: September 2005

What You Think About When You Win an Emmy

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My friend Javier won an Emmy the other night for LOST. This was what was going through his head as he stepped up on stage in front of twenty million people:

i wouldn’t be here if upn hadn’t cancelled “jake 2.0” in the middle of
its run! thank you tyra banks for doing twice our first run number on a
rerun of “america’s next top model” how is my wife going to find me
after this? I AM HERE FOR THE GLORY OF QU’ONOS! do i get my own trophy?
god, i love monkeys. the castaways should find a monkey and train it to
be their butler. wolverine! SNCKT! monkey butler. chips would be nice.
never be ru-uude to an arab! hey – that’s jj abrams! volare! whoa-oh!
cantare! i remember a small band of three men i saw while vacationing
in the island of bequia, they sang badly and their instruments were out
of tune – but they had HEART! shatner was just here! shatner. the
captain. hmmm. some dip would be nice with those chips. hey guinan?
where’s the rest of the el-aurian refugees? I AM HE AND YOU ARE HE AND
HE IS WE AND WE ARE ALL TOGETHER!

This was what was going through my mind as I watched him:  Who knew that writing dialogue for a dolphin was a step towards greatness?

You might wonder why I thought that.

It’s because two of my TV writer friends — who also happen to be two of the nicest and most talented men you will ever meet — have won Emmys and the well-deserved respect of their peers despite having worked with me on shows starring dolphins.  I like to think that means there’s an Emmy in my future, too…

Major Upset at the WGA

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I received an email press release from the WGA, portions of which I’ve excerpted below:

Patric M. Verrone, David N. Weiss, Elias Davis, and their slate of
eight Writers United board candidates have been decisively swept into the
leadership of the Writers Guild of America, west (WGAw).  In one of the highest
turnouts ever for the Guild, Verrone was elected President with a resounding 68%
of the vote, and the rest of his slate followed suit, winning their seats by
roughly a two-to-one margin.  The lowest vote recipient from the Writers United
slate beat out the next highest vote recipient by over five hundred votes.

Stated Verrone: "Our slate clearly selected a campaign platform — organizing
the creative community to better bargain with media companies — that resonated
with writers.  This is one of the few times in Hollywood history that the
leadership of a creative union has entered office with such a decisive
mandate."

Mr. Weiss will serve as Vice President and Mr. Davis as Secretary-Treasurer. 
Their running mates, Scott Frank, Robert King, Peter Lefcourt, Joan Meyerson,
Phil Alden Robinson, Howard A. Rodman, Tom Schulman, and Dan Wilcox, will join
them on the board and provide a working majority that will enable them to
implement their ambitious agenda.

NUMERICAL RESULTS: President: Patric M. Verrone (1301, 68.8%), Vice President:
David N. Weiss (1256, 65.5%), Secretary-Treasurer: Elias Davis (1227, 65.7%). 
Board of Directors:  Phil Alden Robinson (1425), Scott Frank (1355), Tom
Schulman (1305), Peter Lefcourt (1303), Joan Meyerson (1283), Howard A. Rodman
(1243), Robert King (1163), Dan Wilcox (1157).  The one-year term board seat of
newly-elected Vice President David N. Weiss will be filled by Melissa Rosenberg
(646).  The Officers and Board members will serve for a term of two years,
effective immediately.

Other results: Candidates for officers: President:
Ted Elliott (591), Vice President: Carl Gottlieb (661), Secretary-Treasurer:
Irma Kalish (642). Candidates for members of the Board of Directors: Tim
O’Donnell (576), Don M. Mankiewicz (552), Dan McDermott (510), Steve Chivers
(478), Doug Eboch (408), Mike Langworthy (379), Eric Heisserer (348), David S.
Weiss (212). 

It’s an astonishing upset, unlike anything I’ve seen in my twenty years as a WGA member. I think the message being sent is clear and shows the depth of the discontent within the membership with the way the Guild has been run in recent years (For the record, I voted for Verrone for President and Weiss for VP, but my board votes ended up being evenly divided between the two "slates").

Authors Guild Sues Google, Citing “Massive Copyright Infringement”

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Today I received this email press release from the Authors Guild regarding Google’s outrageous violation of copyright law.

The Authors Guild and a Lincoln
biographer, a children’s book author, and a former Poet Laureate of the United
States filed a class action suit today in federal court in Manhattan against
Google over its unauthorized scanning and copying of books through its Google
Library program.  The suit alleges that the $90 billion search engine and
advertising juggernaut is engaging in massive copyright infringement at the
expense of the rights of individual writers.

Through its Library program,
Google is reproducing works still under the protection of copyright as well as
public domain works from the collection of the University of Michigan’s
library. 

"This is a plain and brazen violation of copyright law," said
Authors Guild president Nick Taylor.  "It’s not up to Google or anyone other
than the authors, the rightful owners of these copyrights, to decide whether and
how their works will be copied."

The individual plaintiffs are Herbert
Mitgang, a former New York Times editorial writer and the author of numerous
fiction and nonfiction books, including "The Fiery Trial: A Life of Lincoln,"
published by Viking Press; Betty Miles, the award-winning author of many works
for children and young adults, and the co-author of "Just Think," published by
Alfred A. Knopf; and Daniel Hoffman, the author and editor of many volumes of
poetry, translation, and literary criticism, including "Barbarous Knowledge:
Myth in the Poetry of Yeats, Graves and Muir" and "Striking the Stones," both
published by Oxford University Press.  Mr. Hoffman was the 1973-74 Poet Laureate
of the United States.

Google has agreements with four academic libraries
— those of Stanford, Harvard, Oxford and the University of Michigan — and with
the New York Public Library to create digital copies of substantial parts of
their collections and to make those collections available for searching online. 
Google has not sought the approval of the authors of these works for this
program.

The complaint seeks damages and an injunction to halt further
infringements.

Hinckley Wants Some Action

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The LA Times reports that John Hinckley would like to get laid.

Asst. U.S. Atty. Thomas Zeno said Hinckley "wants to have intimate contact. His
parents want him to date, his father wants him to get married."

Hinckley’s desires, along with his thwarted efforts to woo women, were revealed
during a federal court hearing into his bid for visits to his parents’ Virginia
home, a three-hour drive from the Washington hospital where he has spent more
than two decades since shooting Reagan and four other people. Hinckley was found
not guilty by reason of insanity in 1982.

I see the makings of a WB reality show in this, don’t you?  Imagine what his feeble efforts to "woo women" must be like.

"Hey babe, I shot the President and live in an insane asylum. Would you like to blow me?"

or

"You’re a dead ringer for Jodie Foster. Has anyone ever told you that?"

or

"Want to come to back to my place and see my straight jacket?"

I’m going to call my agent and start setting up some pitch meetings.

The Lying Scum

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Reading about Harley Jane Kozak’s TV meeting misadventures, I was reminded of a meeting Bill and I had many years ago with a Major TV Producer. We went in to pitch a series adaptation of a property he owned. We did our pitch and loved it. Said it was perfect, brilliant, incredible. Did we have any other ideas? We did. We pitched them. He nearly had an orgasm listening to them. He liked the ideas so much, that he wanted them all. He couldn’t wait to work with us and told us we’d found a home.

We called our agent immediately afterwards, still high on the thrill of such stunning success, and told him to  expect a call within seconds from the Major TV Producer to make a deal.  The guy didn’t call.  When our agent called him  and asked how meeting went, the Major TV Producer said "Eh, they didn’t really wow me."

The experience taught me to never believe anything that’s said in a pitch meeting. More than once I’ve been fooled by enthusiasm and big promises (or have totally misread what appears to be utter lack of interest and open hostility). So now, I try not to get excited or dispirited until I hear from my agent whether we’re negotiating a deal or not.

The Major TV Producer later became a Major Network Chief and, years later, called us in to meet with him and his executive team about rescuing a troubled series they had. I was hesitant about meeting him again, but we did it anyway. We went in and, after telling us he’d been fans of ours for years,  he asked us was what we thought was wrong with the show. We told him what wasn’t working and what we thought  should be done to fix it.  And he said: "That’s exactly what I told the showrunner before I shut down his show and took it away from him. But somehow, hearing it from you, I don’t like it."

Needless to say, we didn’t get the job.  He’s back to being a Major TV Producer again and sometimes I wonder if its possible to be a nice guy and still survive in this business…or whether the key to success is being a lying scum.

Harley’s Adventures in TV Land

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My friend author Harley Jane Kozak shares more of her adventures in Hollywood  pitching her book DATING DEAD MEN as a TV series.

All the meetings go really well. While they’re happening. Then a
secondary reality sets in, wherein "I’d love to work with you” turns
out to mean, “I’d love to work with you, contingent upon a bunch of
other things, some of which will occur to me three days from now, after
I’ve talked to some other people.”

…conversations ensue, with Wendy, the producers, the producers’
people, our people, our people’s colleagues, Wendy’s husband, various
assistants, Other Producers Whom the Networks Love Who Might Be Right
For This Project. Our agent announces that Person X, who was so
fabulous yesterday afternoon is no longer desirable today, because of
something having to do with UPN. Or not. (The exception in all this is
Old Boyfriend who sends straightforward and unambiguous e-mails
directly to me. But he’s considered eccentric.)

I think I’m following it all until someone—e.g., my literary agent
from New York, where they speak English—says, “how’s it going?” and I
find I have no idea how it’s going or even what “it” is.

…and people ask me why I write books. I have to do something to stay sane while I work in the TV business.

Dyke Van Dyke

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I got this email today from Bradley. I’ve omitted his last name and the title of his show to protect him from  embarrassment. All the typos and errors are his:

Mr. Goldberg,

I’m an independent film producer in Texas. I recently came across your website through the IMDB. I am writing you to tell you about a television that am working on called "XYZ". The pilot episode is currently in early stages of pre-production, and after seeing other projects that you have worked on in the past, I would be very interested in talking to you about working on this show in some capacity, whether it be as a freelance writer, script consultant, or co-producer.

Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time, and even when creating the television version of the show, one of the reoccurring characters was written specifically for him. I’m not saying we
could get him to play the part, although he would be my first choice.

Let me jump in here. I’m writing to tell you about a television that am working on. Is Bradley repairing a television set or building one from scratch? Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time. I’m not familiar with Dyke Van Dyke, but I’m going to watch the next episode of THE L WORD and catch up with some of his/her work.

Okay, back to that letter.  It rambles on with details about the show he’s producing. He wraps things up with:

I the financing to produce the pilot in place, and I would really love to talk to you further about working with me on this show.

Did you ever actually work with Dick VanDyke? Were you ever on the set of the show, or
did you just work on a freelance basis? Do you know a good casting director that would have a way of presenting my offer to Mr. VanDyke?

If you are interested please let me know and I will send you the pilot script as a
PDF file this evening. I truly thing you will like it!

I the financing to produce the pilot in place… I truly thing you will like it. Bradley ought to get the financing in place to take a basic English course.  I the feeling he really needs it, don’t you thing?

What’s really bizarre about this email is that Bradley would like me to work on his show in just about any capacity I want but, as it turns out, he actually has no idea who I am or what I’ve done.

If he’d taken five minutes to browse my credits or visit my website, he’d know I was an executive producer of DIAGNOSIS MURDER and that yes, I’ve probably met Dick Van Dyke once or twice. (Or was he talking about  Dyke Van Dyke? I don’t think Bradley really wants to give Dyke Van Dyke a job on his pilot…since it’s a show about Christians exploring their faith as opposed to, say, butch lesbians exploring their inner manhood).

Bradley, if you’re reading this post, I’ve got some advice for you.  If you are going to send a professional a job offer/query it’s usually a good idea to:

a) Know something about the person you are writing to like, for instance, who they are and what they’ve done.
b) Don’t ask them stupid questions that reveal that you haven’t bothered to find out who they are and what they’ve done.
c) Don’t offer anyone a job unless you know who they are and what they’ve done.
d) When writing to a professional, it’s a good idea to spell check your letter/email so you don’t make a complete fool of yourself.

Thanks for the tempting offer, Bradley, but I think I’ll pass.

Why Waste Time Plotting…

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…when there is Plot-0-Matic? I’ve seen dozens of movies that must have been written with this. Here’s the plot the software generated for me.

Broken
Badges by Lee
Goldberg Action: A renegade cop teams up with the
straightest cop on four continents to investigate dirty cops on the take. In the
process they rescue Parker Posey. By the end of the movie they hijack 5 planes
and end up winning the admiration of their department, living happily ever
after. Think Die Hard meets Goldfinger.

I’m going to start pitching it on Monday.  (Thanks to my Uncle Burl for the heads-up)