Lee Goldberg

Start Your Day With A Belly Laugh

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GaywyckHere are two very funny posts to start off your day.  Smart Bitches Who Love Trashy Novels gleefully skewer another batch of horrendous book covers. This week, it’s some gay erotica:

Dear God. It’s like a checklist: open shirt? Check! Tucked into pants? Check!
Ruffle? CHECK! But what’s up with Ichabod Crane’s low-hanging saggy scrotum, there? I mean,
is shirt-dude kneeling out of pity? The man is half-dead, and the half that’s
dead is down his pants.

And my brother Tod ridicules perhaps the dumbest person to ever write to that beacon of knowledge, Walter Scott.

M. Beatryce Shaw of Conway, SC asks, amazingly, really:

Are the corpses used in the various CSI shows actual dead people or are they
mannequins?

(Click on the book cover for a larger image…if you dare)

More Ways for the Self-Published to Throw Away Their Money

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I’ve received a slew of new pitches from hucksters  who think the self-published are suckers and, apparently, that I am one of them. To be fair to the hucksters, anyone who sends them a check after visiting their sites deserves whatever they get.

First up, there’s "The Hollywood Experience" offered by www.bookmanmarketing.com. For $599, Bookman Marketing will present your book "face to face" to Hollywood producers  and directors.

Each time we present projects we learn more about the entertainment industry
and more importantly how to sell ideas.  For example, we have learned not to hand out written information (it is universally ignored) and not to make casting suggestions.  We also learned not to present new ideas as a marriage of past films. 

Most presenters hand out packages consisting of outlines, promotions, reviews and even text. Then they go on to describe a potential project as "Rain Man meets Platoon" or some other combination.  These presenters are never taken seriously.  What works best and gets the most results are a business card and a concise description of the book.  That’s precisely what
we do.  When possible, we also tell the story from the vantage point of the protagonist. 

Oh yeah, these are the slick professionals you want pitching your book to Hollywood.  They’ve also learned that typed manuscripts are more effective than those handwritten in crayon. 

If you’re getting carpal tunnel syndrome from flushing your money dollar by dollar down the toilet, consider investing in one of Bookman Marketing’s many promotional packages,  ranging in price from $399 to $1895. Here are some of the amazing benefits they offer:

Calling bookstore owners on the phone is the most productive way to sell books.
As part of this package our full-time telemarketers will call bookstores and try
to sell your book and/or set up book signings.

That’s how to win over booksellers — bombard’em with calls from telemarketers!

Feature your book with our unique bookselling websites.
Bookmanmarketing.com is designed for bookstore owners. Bookatron.com is
positioned to become the premiere bookselling website for consumers. On these
sites, your book will not only benefit from your own book selling campaigns, but
from the campaigns of all of our other authors.

Wow. Imagine having your book sold on their website alongside used copies of  William Shatner’s "Star Trek Movie Memories" for $2.99 and the hot new self-published title "Places to Visit in Utah" for $29.99.  You’re bound to become a bestseller overnight!

We will also sell your book in our two retail stores in Franklin and
Martinsville, Indiana and take your book with us to book shows

I’ve often wondered  how I could finally break into the highly competitive Martinsville, Indiana market. Now I know.  But that’s not all.. for another  $299, you can list your book on  their site Signedbytheauthor.net

A unique website selling books autographed by the author! This one-of-a-kind
website offers books that are signed by the author. Instantly turn your books
into valuable collector’s items and gifts.

I hear collectors are clamoring for signed copies of "This Strange Quantum World and You" and "Are You Nobody from Nowhere Going No Place?" You better get there fast before all the copies are sold. If you’ve got any money left over afterwards, you should visit bookstofilmrealitytv.com.

We differ from screenwriting sites, in that we only accept screenplays that are derived from books. We also differ in that our panelist are comprised of a world where avid readers work directly with a panel of producers to bring the right property to fruition. Our book reviewers, book clubs and the actors themselves are included in the process of our selection in securing the rights of future film projects by being panel members.

Clearly, English is their second language.  From what I can gather, they’re trying to launch a TV show in which "bestselling authors" and the self-published compete somehow to have their books adapted into a film. I couldn’t figure out their format, but they decorate their site with a lot of bookcovers from bestselling authors (who are not associated with their show) in a lame attempt to add some legitimacy to their pitch. Their celebrity judges are producer Marilyn Atlas, Bookpitch.com CEO Patricia Kelley and Tee C. Royal of "Rawsistahs Reviewers." I guess Lori Prokop was unavailable.

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

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It seems like everywhere I turned today, I ran into the phrase "kicking ass and taking names."  It may have been clever the first time it was used, but it has become a cliche and, as such, lost whatever power it had.  Remember when "cut to the chase" used to sound clever? Now it’s as sharp a line as "stop beating around the bush."

WGA Election

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Today, I attended a gathering at screenwriter John Brancato’s home of "Writers United," a slate of candidates running for the Board of the  Writers Guild of America. Their most eloquent and impassioned speaker was vp candidate David Weiss, who outlined the "platform" that sets them apart from the other slate (I’m sure they have a nifty name, too, but I’ve forgotten it ). Basically, Writers United wants the Guild to focus more of its resources on organizing (bringing new writers into the fold), corporate/industry analysis (research on the companies to give us a better negotiating strategy), and stronger alliances with other industry unions and guilds.

Before the formal presentations began, I talked casually with some of the other attendees, all of whom shared my feeling that the WGA has, basically, been embarrassing itself and its members with its actions the last few years (President Victora Riskin resigning in scandal, her successor Charles Holland resigning in scandal, very public infighting between the WGAw and the WGAe, etc.).

Unlike previous WGA elections, I have no idea who to vote for, so I am going to these events with my eyes and ears wide open.  Next, I’ll attend an event hosted by the opposing slate to see what they have to say and how they differ from the Writers United slate. That said, I tend not to follow slates. I prefer to vote for individuals I believe in with bold ideas and views/priorities/concerns similar to my own.

Scientific Breakthroughs Nobody Can Live Without

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Now you can take what’s on your home TV anywhere you go and not get bitten by a single mosquito while you do it.

"Slingbox, which costs about $250, is from Sling Media Inc. of San Mateo, Calif.
Using a box connected to your home TV setup, it sends the signal out onto the
Internet, allowing you to watch a video stream of your home channels from any
Windows computer with broadband access and the Sling software installed…In addition to the signal, Slingbox sends along the TiVo controls I have at
home. "

"This summer, I tried something new: killer threads — clothing that supposedly
zaps bugs before they can zap you. It’s called Buzz Off Insect Repellent
Apparel. You wear it instead of insecticide, although it may be more accurate to
say you become a walking tower of insecticide.

Barbara Seranella is on the mend

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I know a lot of you were worried about my friend author Barbara Seranella, who recently had liver transplant surgery.  I’m pleased to say she’s on the mend. Here’s a note from her:

Hi All, I just went through all my cards from the last two months. Again, I 
am blown away by the love. I’m home in the desert, really digging it. I 
drove my car yesterday. Everyday is a new landmark. I hired a
round-the-clock  caregiver, Ophelia. She made me a sandwich yesterday and
then admitted that it  was the first one she had ever made. Then I learned
she used to build houses  with her Uncle and knew a lot about plumbing.
Yesterday, she fixed the toilet. Today we go after a leaking
faucet.

Turns out I have to get the surgeon’s "permission" to travel. I
really want  to and fully expect to go to Chicago, so I’m working real hard
to blow him away  when I see him next. Again thank you to the million
friends who held me in their thoughts and  prayers these last two months.

Maybe I Should Move to Chicago

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David J. Montgomery, a familiar name to those of you who frequent this obscure corner of the  blogosphere, had this to say today about DIAGNOSIS MURDER: THE PAST TENSE in his mystery column in today’s Chicago Sun-Times:

Books spun off from television series are often scorned by critics despite  their popularity. One author out to change their reputation is Lee Goldberg,  a screenwriter who has produced at least a dozen novels as well as scores of  TV shows.

With his fifth book in the "Diagnosis Murder" series, The Past Tense (Signet, $6.99), Goldberg has proven that excellent writing can be found anywhere, even in a TV tie-in novel.When the body of a woman dressed as a mermaid washes up  on the beach, everyone is perplexed except for Dr. Mark Sloan (the character played on television by Dick Van Dyke). Sloan recognizes the clues that tie the body to a
series of murders nearly four decades before, a case that haunts him still.

The Past Tense contains all the elements of a fine mystery novel: good  characters, interesting plot, surprising twists and, above all, crisp and enjoyable writing. With books this good, who needs TV?

He also has some really nice things to say in his column about my friends Zoe Sharp (who I will be signing with in L.A. next month) and Terrill Lee Lankford. Thank you, David!

My Evil Doubles

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I was procrastinating this morning, so I decided to see what folks were saying about me in the blogosphere (via Blogpulse). And I found this:

My friends at WJBQ made mention
of the blog again yesterday…and let the cat out of the bag that I love
Lee Goldberg.

Surely she’s not talking about me. So who is this Lee Goldberg who fills her heart with passionate yearning? Who torments her nights with unquenchable lust? I had to find out. So I searched the web for my evil, sexy double…

0523154918_goldberg2

LeeLee_goldberg  Goldberg1Grne0712_smPierce7

5421158Here are few of the "Lee Goldbergs" out there.   I’m surprised by how many of them are writers or TV Goldbergsdnewscasters. I wonder if they get hate mail from fanficcers, too?

Playing in Someone Else’s Sandbox

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I received this lengthy email the other day. It read, in part:

I can understand intellectual property concerns about currently or recently
active creative concepts, but when a creative concept has been tried and
presented by the producers and craftsmen, has run its course and been
cancelled, has stopped being shown in reruns, has no active tie-ins, and
appears to have been completely mothballed by the original creators and
stakeholders of the concept – AT THAT POINT, would you still consider it
wrong for a fanfiction author to attempt to step in and write creatively in
that sandbox?

I ask this because I had been considering a fanfiction based on a series
you produced 10 years ago that has disappeared from the face of the earth.
I admit, as a potential fan-fiction writer, that the lure of
already established character study materials, settings, etc., is enticing –
like the idea of taking down and playing with a set of dolls – er, I mean,
ACTION FIGURES.

As for my own writing career, I’ve never had the courage
to try creating something truly original…

Here is how I replied: My personal feeling is that you are better off, in every possible
way, writing something original. I would never consider writing in "someone
else’s sandbox" unless they invited me to.  I never contemplated writing DIAGNOSIS MURDER or MONK novels. I am only writing those books now because
the rights-holders and/or  creators asked me to.  So my answer to you is this…the
show you’re thinking about, whatever it is, doesn’t belong to you. Or me. Write something that is your
own. The creative and personal benefits far outweigh the convenience of writing
with someone else’s creations. Good luck!