Testing Hell

The network just tested a friend of mine’s pilot in front of an audience. He writes to me that it didn’t go well. 

Death and devastation.  Surely one of the worst focus group tests ever.  They hated everything about it. 

We’ve all been there. I remember observing a focus group discussion after the audience screened a couple of DIAGNOSIS MURDER episodes. Several of the audience members said they didn’t find the guy playing "Steve Sloan" believable at all as Dick Van Dyke’s son. Fair enough. Except the guy who played Steve was Barry Van Dyke.

During testing, the audience members hold a dial, and they twist it one way or another throughout the show to indicate whether they like what they are seeing or not. In the backroom, we see a read-out of these dial reactions that reads like an EKG. You can literally see your show dying… or getting a sudden jolt of life. It allows you to get instant feedback.

We tested some episodes of MARTIAL LAW and, of course, the scores went way up whenever there was an action sequence. That was no surprise. What was a surprise was that the scores went up even higher when Kelly Hu walked into a room. She didn’t even have to say anything.

So… what did we learn? We could have scrapped every single one of those expensive action sequences and simply asked Kelly Hu to stand in front of the camera for five minutes. Naturally, the network immediately asked us to get her in front of the camera as often as possible… which infuriated our star Sammo Hung, who already felt threatened by her. But that’s another story…

Rob Lowe and Joe Pantoliano

Both Rob Lowe and Joe Pantoliano have starred in two TV series in two consecutive seasons… IN THE LIONS DEN (Lowe), THE HANDLER (Pantoliano) and DR. VEGAS (Lowe & Pantoliano).. and all three shows bombed. Do you think anybody will be hiring them to star in a TV series any time soon?

Merry Christmas

Novelist Victor Gischler has posted “Eleven Silver Johnnies,” a horror story, on the net, that begins like this:

I knew this guy, Johnny Christmas, from the garage. Of all the grease monkeys, he was best, a big, thick-necked, hammy-handed man, and he could spit and smoke and cough up phlegm like it was a career. He farted and swore and laughed, and he could bring down a charging rhino with his salami breath. That was Johnny Christmas.

To read more, click here.

CBS runs Numbers

The diagnosis isn’t good for DR. VEGAS…. CBS has picked up the mid-season series NUMBERS, starring Judd Hirsch as an FBI agent who solicits the help of his mathematician brother to solve crimes. Sounds like CSI meets MONK. Other cast members David Krumholtz, Sabrina Lloyd, Peter MacNicol, Rob Morrow, and Navi Rawat.

NBC Woes

According to Variety, NBC is pulling FATHER OF THE PRIDE off the air during sweeps, and while they haven’t admitted this, the long lead time and the fact they haven’t already ordered more episodes guarantees that there is absolutely no way they can make more than 13 episodes this season… and odds are strong for cancellation. (Especially since — and I didn’t know this — the deal with Dreamworks has the network paying ALL costs for the show, not just a license fee.)

Also, LAX is only going to air twice in its new timeslot during November — and if it bombs again this Wednesday, it could be pulled entirely. Looks like Heather Locklear’s winning streak has finally been broken…

Nets Turn to Books

The networks are looking to their bookshelves this development season…

Variety reports that JUDGING AMY producer Hart Hanson is writing a pilot for Fox based on Kathy Reich’s series of Temperance Brennan novels about a female forensic anthropologist in Montreal (Reichs is also a forensic anthropologist).

But it sounds like they are making a few changes for TV…

Lead character, named Marjorie Miles, will have a team of experts to help her solve the mysteries of the bones, including a reconstructive artist and bug experts who can uncover clues about a case by analyzing the creatures surrounding a corpse.

As with Reichs, Miles also will be a writer, though that won’t be a key part of each episode. “It’ll be more of a pain-in-the-ass obstacle that she’s written this book,” which includes characters like the people she works with, Hanson said.

CBS, meanwhile, is developing a pilot based on Elisabeth Cosin’s novel “Zen and the Art of Murder,” about a PI named Zen who toiled in LA. Cosin is wriiting the script… in addition to being a novelist, she’s also a TV vet with writing credits that include BUDDY FARO and LAW AND ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT.

This is Why Producers Like Shooting TV Shows in Canada

The Drake Hotel in Toronto will start offering sex toys on the room service menu, according to USA Today. Vibrators, massage oils, condoms, velvet restraints and how-to videos can be sent up the guests. The “pleasure kits” start at $35.

The 19 room Drake is a boutique hotel that attracts artists and actors. The aim is service that complements the hotel’s artsy image.

“We see ourselves as a bit of a trailblazer,” owner Jeff Stober says. The racy room service menu, which arrives next month, is “in keeping with the theme of sex that has always played a role in artistic works. We are embracing that artistic spirit.”

Actual embraces will cost extra.

They aren’t the only Toronto hotel that’s added sex-centives. The Grand Hotel, where our MISSING directors like to stay, provides two channels of free, 24-hour porn, for their guests (for the record, I stay at the Cambridge Suites, which offers no such goodies).

If Governor Arnold wants to keep movie production in California, he can forget about tax incentives and renegotiating with unions. Free vibrators for every member of the film crew! Sexual surrogates sent to the door of every screenwriter faced with a production rewrite!

“Lost” Rumors

The rumor around the TV biz today is that there’s been a big shake-up behind-the-scenes on ABC’s LOST… and that “Nash Bridges” creator/showrunner Carlton Cuse has been brought in to run the writing staff under exec-producer JJ Abrams.

Keep in mind, it’s just a rumor at this point…but if it’s true, it raises lots of questions about the surprise hit of the new season. What were the problems at LOST? Was Abrams unhappy with the creative direction of the show… or was it the network? What will the new creative direction be? And why bring pick Cuse, whose background is primarily cop shows?

Don’t Save Our Show

That is is a first. Instead of a campaign to save their favorite show… fans of THE WEST WING are rallying NBC to cancel it. Who knows… twenty- five years from now, they might even take out full-page ads in Variety urging studios not to make a movie version with the original cast.

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

USA Network does.

They’re so thrilled with the footage they’ve been seeing of Ving Rhames in their new KOJAK movie, that they’ve ordered a series. The episodes, which will be shot in Toronto, start airing in March.Vingrhames_240_001

This will be the third revival of KOJAK. Several years after the original series was canceled, Telly Savalas reprised his signature character in two exceptional TV movies for CBS (THE BELARUS FILE & THE PRICE OF JUSTICE) in the early 90s, then later in a series of not-so-good TV movies for ABC (in a mystery movie wheel that included COLUMBO, BJ STRYKER and GIDEON OLIVER). Andre Braugher, who would later break-out in HOMICIDE, played his assistant in the ABC films.