Me Me Me

The towncar driver who picked me up at the Grand Hyatt in Manhattan yesterday asked me if I’d like a Chinese sandwich before heading out to the airport.
"No thanks," I said. "I just had lunch."
"It’s not food," he said. "It’s the greatest experience of your life."
"What is it?"
"It’s two naked Chinese women covered with soap bubbles who hug each other…with you in between. You can go as far as you want with them."
"No thanks," I said.
"Are you sure?" he said. "It’s something you’ll remember when you’re old, sitting in your rocking chair, and it will bring a smile to your face."
"It’s not my kind of thing," I said.
"Are you gay?"
"Married."
"So what?" he said. "She’ll never know."
"I will," I said.
He grinned. "That’s the point."
"I’m really not interested."
Actually, I was very interested. Not in experiencing the Sandwich for myself, but I wanted to know if he’d done it, how many of the men he drove around took him up on the offer, and how many of them got a sexually transmitted disease. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask.
"You mean to tell me you’ve never played around?" The driver asked.
"Nope," I said.
"How long have you been married?"
"About twenty years," I said.
He stared at me in shock. "How do you do it?"
I shrugged.  "It doesn’t take any effort at all."
"Because you don’t like sex?"
"Because I love my wife," I said.
He shook his head. "That’s really sad. You only live once, you know."

I just got back from day 1 of the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. I look forward to this event all year and, despite my vows to cut back on my book buying at the Fest, I always end up making several trips back to the car to unload my goodies…which included signed books by Richard Russo, Peter Carey, Richard Price, and Tana French and lots of architectures books. I ran into many old friends at the Festival today, and last night at the Mystery Bookstore party… authors like Lee Lankford, Paul Levine, Michael Connelly, Dick Lochte, Cara Black, Mark Haskell Smith, Naomi Hirahara, Bill Fitzhugh (who was on the way to an opening of a musical based on his novel PEST CONTROL) Bob Levinson (who I will be hanging out with in Owensboro Kentucky later this month), Loraine Despres, Thomas Perry, Denise  Hamilton, and Susan Straight. I also chatted for a while with Lisa Lutz, Susan Kandel, and Rita Lakin.

Tomorrow, my brother Tod and I will be signing at 11am at the Mystery Bookstore which, as fate would have it, is the same time our sisters Karen and Linda will be signing at Borders…and then Monday I head off to New York for Edgar Week.

But  I won’t have my MONK book hanging over my head during the trip. I sent MR. MONK IS MISERABLE to my editors yesterday. On Wednesday, I’m having breakfast with MONK creator Andy Breckman to discuss my next MONK novel…I’m hoping to come up with a vague idea for it on the flight to New York.

Jon Breen at ELLERY QUEEN MYSTERY MAGAZINE has given the short story collection HOLLYWOOD & CRIME a rave review, singling out my story "Jack Webb’s Star:"

Show business has long been a favorite criminous setting, and in
recent years more mysteries than ever have explored the worlds of film,
stage, television, music, magic, stand-up comedy, and other categories
of performance. Prolific anthologist Robert J. Randisi’s Hollywood and Crime
(Pegasus, $25) gathers original stories by such formidable writers as
Michael Connelly, Bill Pronzini, Terence Faherty, Stuart M. Kaminsky,
and Dick Lochte. Among those with the strongest entertainment industry
backgrounds are “Murderlized” by Max Allan Collins and Matthew V.
Clemens, a fact-based 1930s tale in which Moe Howard of the Three
Stooges investigates the mysterious death of former stage partner Ted
Healy; Robert S. Levinson’s “And the Winner Is,” about the 1960 Academy
Awards, gangster Mickey Cohen, and the bitter rivalry of columnists
Hedda Hopper and Louella O. Parsons; and best of all, "Jack Webb’s
Star," Lee Goldberg’s hilarious contemporary tale of a struggling TV
writer, his commercial actress wife, a traffic school led by an unfunny
stand-up comic, and Joe Friday’s star on the Hollywood Boulevard Walk
of Fame.

Thank you, Jon!

I’ve got a busy signing and speaking schedule coming up…

You can find me at the Mystery Bookstore in Westwood, CA on Friday, April 25th,  for their pre-Los Angeles Times Festival of Books party. And then I’ll be signing on Sunday, April 27th, at 11 a.m., at the Mystery Bookstore’s booth at the Festival.

On Monday, April 28,  I am interviewing producer Donald Belisario on camera for the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences’ Archive of American Television, and then I am hopping on a plane to New York, to participate in the Mystery Writers of America’s Crime Fiction Seminars  and to take part in the Edgar Awards.

In late May/early June, I’ll be signing at Book Expo in Los Angeles, alongside Max Allan Collins, but I’ll have more details about that as we get closer to the event.

And finally, I’m going to be traveling to the International Mystery Writers Festival in Owensboro, Kentucky on June 17-22 to see my screenplay "Mapes For Hire" (based on my book THE MAN WITH THE IRON ON BADGE) performed on stage "live radio"-style with a full cast, sound effects and music.  Here are the performance dates at the Berry Theatre in Owensboro:

• Friday, June 13 – 2pm
• Sunday, June 15 – 2pm
• Wednesday, June 18 – 7:30pm
• Sunday, June 22 – 4pm

For ticket information, click here.

I’m in the final stretch of writing MR. MONK IS MISERABLE, which is due on April 30th…which is why I haven’t been contributing much here lately. No sooner  do I turn in that book than I have to start thinking about MONK #8. All I know about that one, after two books mostly set in Europe, is that it will take place in and around San Francisco.  Beyond that, I’ve got nothing. I’m sure something will occur to me, probably while I am on my way to New York next week for the Edgar Awards, where I will be seeing my publisher, editor and agent.

But before I go, I’ve got a couple of meet-and-greets this week with two A-list production companies,  thanks  to a spec script I wrote that these execs really liked but, for whatever reason, wouldn’t buy. They liked the writing and the sensibility enough to want to meet me, which is good, but the meetings are always a little awkward. There’s no way to really prepare for them. They aren’t structured, like a pitch, though I’ll gladly share a few ideas if I’m asked what I’m working on. It’s more casual and free-form, with no clear agenda. But make no mistake about it, you are pitching. You’re pitching yourself as a person.

A meet-and-greet is an opportunity for the executives to put a face to your name, get a sense of how you think, and decide whether or not they’d like to work with you some day. Nothing may ever come of the meet-and-greet…or weeks, months or years from now it might occur to the exec to bring me in on particular project or rewrite that matches my "sensibility." I’ve had a few jobs come to me this way over the years…like writing the Dame Edna movie (which, sadly, was not produced), so I am always open to meet-and-greets.

If anything comes from one of them, I’ll let you know. Okay, enough procrasatinating, back to MONK!

I just returned home from speaking at the 8th Annual Forensic Science and Law conference at Duquesne University and I had a fantastic time. It was billed as a "national symposium on the intersection of forensic science and culture" and it was unlike any conference I’ve attended before.

That’s because most of ones I’ve been to have had to do with some aspect of mystery writing or the TV business and were attended by TV writers, novelists, entertainment industry executives, aspiring writers, and mystery fans. In other words, people like me.

But this conference was primarily attended by forensic scientists, prosecutors, medical examiners, criminalists, FBI agents, and students in various fields of forensics, investigation, and criminal law. I was honored and intimidated to be in such distinguished company. I was worried that what I had to say was not only irrelevant, but that they must have invited me by mistake.

I learned so much at this conference, and it started at the airport. I shared a limo into Pittsburgh with prosecutor-turned-author Robert Tannenbaum and for an hour we had a lively discussion about national politics and some high-profile criminal cases.

I dropped off my suitcase and the hotel and rushed to a  reception at the University for the conference faculty, where I stood out in the crowd…because I was the only goof in an untucked shirt and jeans. I was embarrassed about being so sloppily dressed but being from "Hollywood," I got away with my it.

I was glad to spot a familiar face in the bunch — my friend author Jan Burke was sitting in the back of the room, chatting with Dr. Katherine Ramsland, assistant professor of forensic psychology at DeSales University and Judge Donald E. Shelton, who teaches criminal justice at Eastern Michigan University. I joined their discussion and, once I got some food and Diet Coke in me, I relaxed a bit and decided to start introducing myself to strangers.

I’m glad I did. I had some fascinating conversations with James Starrs, professor of law and forensic sciences at George Washington University;  forensic artist Karen Taylor, and FBI agent James Clemente, who profiles serial killers and who does some consulting for Andrew Wilder, a writer/producer on CRIMINAL MINDS (who, to my amusement and relief, showed up later wearing jeans and an untucked shirt, too).

Before the reception was over, I spoke with Mark Safarik, a former colleague of Clemente’s in the Behaviorial Analysis unit who is now a consultant to law enforcement, and I had a chance to meet the host of the conference, Dr. Cyril Wecht.

I left the reception even more concerned about what I was doing there. These people actually knew things…I just make stuff up. I worried about whether I’d be laughed off the podium…especially when I saw how large the conference hall was and the hundreds of people in attendance, including a delegation of forensic scientists from China.

I attended Robert Tannebaum’s keynote address, then went back to the hotel, where I had drinks with Dr. Doug Lyle and before going to bed early (I’d had to get up at 4 a.m L.A. time that morning to make my flight to Pittsburgh).

The next morning, I went down to hotel restaurant for breakfast and shared a table with Mark Safarik, who enthralled me with stories from his law enforcement career. But he also made me feel a lot better about my presentation that morning. Seeing how interested and amused he was in what I had to say about writing, and incorporating forensics into story, made me feel much more confident and less awkward about being there.

As it turned out, my presentation went very well. I shouldn’t have worried and, with that task behind me, I was able to just sit back and enjoy the rest of the conference. I was fortunate to be able to spend a lot more time with the folks that I’ve already mentioned (particularly Clemente, Safarik, Ramsland and Taylor), but I also to have lengthy conversations with forensic toxicologist Dr. Micheal Reiders, criminal law professor and former Deputy D.A. Tamara F. Lawson, as well as many other experts and dozens of forensic science students. Safarik, the former FBI behaviorial analyst, told me it was one of the best conferences he’d ever attended.

At the closing night dinner for the faculty, Doug Lyle and I got a chance to talk for a few minutes with Dr. Baosheng Zhang, Dean of Beijing’s China University Institute of Evidence Law and Forensic Science. For Dr. Zhang, the conference seemed to be an eye-opening experience, particularly when it came to the discussion of the impact of popular culture (the "CSI" effect) on the criminal justice system and the media’s interaction with investigators and prosecutors. Unfortunately, just as we began to talk about how things are different in China, he got called away into another discussion by a member of his delegation. Doug and I wondered if it was happenstance  that we were interrupted, or if it was a polite way of avoiding discussing a touchy subject.

All in all, I was kept very busy and didn’t get any writing (or blogging) done at all. But I’m not complaining. I made a lot of friends, heard some fascinating presentations & discussions, and was asked by one of the attendees to speak at another forensic conference later this year. So I am sure that in the long run this experience will be good for my writing…if not for the book  I am currently rushing to finish.

I am off to Pittsburgh tomorrow to speak on Friday at Duquesne University’s Cyril H. Wecht Institute of Forensic Science and Law’s eighth annual "Where Fact Meets Fiction" conference. I’ll be joined by my friend Doug Lyle, author of  FORENSICS AND FICTION, as well as Robert Tanenbaum, Jan Burke, Linda Fairstein, CSI producer David Berman, CRIMINAL MINDS producer Andrew Wilder, 48 HOURS producer Gail Zimmerman, FORENSIC FILES producer Kelly Ann Martin, and a long list of judges, criminalists, cops, FBI agents, scientists and scholars.  This should be interesting, because I know nothing about forensics and only slightly more about writing.