Lee Goldberg

How Not To Sell Your Book II

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I got this spam email today:
 

Dear fellow MWA members and members of the forensic society,
    I have written a murder mystery series beginning with Death, Then
Murder and Murder Under Fire starring C.J. Thompson and Lauren
Lamplier.  I have also written a nonfiction book letting everyone know that God
sends messages to us through His angels in human form to make us aware of His
plans for us.  This one is titled INCOMING Listening For God’s Messages, A
Handbook For Life  and is a must read for young adults.  The reader will
find a miraculous change in their perspective towards others once realizing that
everyone may potentially be carrying a message from God.Take a look at www.amazon.com .

 
Enjoy and thanks,
Fred C. Wootan

Okay, Fred. Here’s the thing. This email is a marketing miss-fire on every level. Let’s dissect it line-by-line and explore why. My comments are in italics.

7025224128a0db5f5ec05010_aa240_l   I have written a murder mystery series beginning with Death, Then
Murder and Murder Under Fire starring C.J. Thompson and Lauren
Lamplier. Good for you, Fred. But the
fact you have written (and apparently self-published) a book isn’t
reason enough for someone to buy it. You have to pitch it to us, man! What makes it interesting? What’s
the hook? It’s not that it "stars" CJ Thompson and Lauren Lamplier…because no one knows who the hell they are. Their names are meaningless. Are they cops? Insurance investigators? Lesbian nurses? Transvestite paratroopers? Come on, Fred, show us some salesmanship!  I have also written a nonfiction book letting everyone know that God
sends messages to us through His angels in human form to make us aware of His
plans for us. This one is titled INCOMING Listening For God’s Messages, A
Handbook For Life  and is a must read for young adults.  The reader will
find a miraculous change in their perspective towards others once realizing that
everyone may potentially be carrying a message from God. That sentence is a rambling mess, Fred.  Not a good advertisement for the book or the writer. So which book is it you’re trying to sell us, the mystery thing or the Angels thing? Or is it both? Either way, neither sales-pitch is very strong. Take a look at www.amazon.com. Even if we wanted to ‘take a look’, and you haven’t given us much of a reason, you don’t even link to your books, just to the Amazon home page. You’re making us do all the work, Fred. Not good. You want to make it easy for your customers to get to the product, you don’t want them to have to hunt for it…because they won’t. And you totally forgot to mention that you also wrote THE SUCCESSFUL INSURANCE AGENCY which, if you ask me, is the real must-read for young adults.

“Would You Be Interested In Writing a Book On My Life?”

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I got this email today. It’s so, um, incredible that the only way to truly appreciate it is to read the whole thing. I present it here unedited. All I’ve done is remove the sender’s name (why, oh why, do they write to me?)

Dear Sir,

I can only imagine once you have read the first coupple of lines
of this letter you will probably think that I am mad ? but who knows and no one
ever said there was ever any harm in trying?

I was wondering if you would be able to assist or if you would be
interested in writing a book on my life, or at least advice me on how to write a
book, I will give you a brief outline.
 
I was born in the UK my Dad died when I was little and I had a  real struggle growing
up. I joined the Royal air Force and had a good life in the military,
I was in there for 15 years until I met my girlfriend,I came to America and gave up a military career and  pension and
benefits because I got my girlfriend pregnant, I stood by her and did what was
right, I married her she is an officer in the United States Air force.
I was left with the child our son Rhys at 4 months of age while
she went away on a TDY and partied getting drunk and blowing away $7000 of my
money that I gave to her to pay off a car loan to benefit us as a newly wed
couple.

Read more

DM Fans Are The Best

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My Mom is going through chemotherapy for a third time and wrote about the experience on her blog. She was delighted and touched to get this email this morning from a DIAGNOSIS MURDER fan. So was I.

Dear Mrs. Curran,

You don’t know me, but I  know you through your son Lee.  I am a big Diagnosis Murder fan and a devoted reader of Lee’s books. Sometimes I click on your blog and read how you are. Today I read that you are facing a chemotherapy again.  I am sending  you my best wishes and hope that the new therapy doesn’t make you sick! Keep strong!

Sincerely Yours,
Ute

Ute was also one of the many Diagnosis Murder fans who inundated me with get-well cards, letters, emails and stuffed animals with bandaged arms when I had my bad accident a year ago.  I dedicated my DM:  THE WAKING NIGHTMARE to them but, in truth, all the DM books I write ar for them.  They’re the best!

Looking for Mr. Goodwriter

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I got this email today. It read, in part:

I am looking to license a script for a tv show and to be quite
honest I have no idea where to look for writers that are submitting there work
for licensing or purchase.

Can you be more specific? I have no idea what you mean. Are you interested in licensing
the script for a book? A Toy? A play? A song? Well, regardless of how you’re looking to use the script, most TV shows & movies are owned by studios, so you’d be
licensing the script/characters from them, not the writers, for whatever project
you have in mind.

I got this reply:

Basically I’m looking to find a writer to write a tv show for
me. I was thinking about it and most likely I won’t find someone with a script
that fits what I’m looking for. I’m not exactly sure. If I can find a writer
that has a script that is close to what I’m looking for then it will work. If
not then I need to find a writer that can write a tv show for me. Where can I go
to find available writers?

Walk into any Starbucks or  restaurant in L.A. and shout: "Is anybody here a writer?" Then stand back and try not to get trampled. Seriously, though, I guess a  lot depends on who you are (a production company? An investor? A toy company? Or just a guy with an idea and no idea how to sell it?),  what kind of show you’re trying to do (is it an infomercial? A reality show? A documentary? A game show? A sitcom?), and what you have to offer the writer in return.

In the absense of specifics, I’d say you have a number of options.

You could contact the major talent agencies and let them know a) who you are and b) that you are looking for a qualified writer to do X project. The agents would check you out and, if you passed inspection, they would recommend clients they felt could do the job for the money being offered.

You could take an advertisement out in Variety and The Hollywood Reporter: "Wanted: A writer to do X. Please send your qualifications and sample scripts to..bla bla bla."

You could contact the various film schools, letting them know you’re looking for a talented young writer to do X project for X dollars.

That’s the best advice I’ve got for you given the limited info you’ve given me.

Extreme Make-Over

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You’ve probably noticed the blog’s new look… it’s been redesigned so it will seamlessly integrate into the all-new websites Heidi Mack has created for LeeGoldberg.com and Diagnosis-Murder.com. The new sites aren’t up yet — they should be ready in a few days to coincide with the publication of DIAGNOSIS MURDER: THE PAST TENSE. I’ll post a giddy annoucement here when they’re live.

A Letter From Janette Anderson

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This letter, presented unedited and in its entirety, is from agent Janette Anderson, who is responding to comments I made in the post The Five Stars.

”’Ms. Anderson and Five Star also share the same logo and web-site. Any reasonable person would conclude there is an affiliation. But if I am mistaken, I will be glad to immediately correct any errors I have made. I will also be glad to post unedited any statement you or your client would like to make to clarify any errors or misinterpretations you believe I’ve made. I’ll post the statement as prominently as my original blog post.”’

Mr Goldberg:

As you are aware, as your own agent is WGA of good standing, its not just a  simple process of
signing a paper to become a WGA signatory. One has to be recommended and proposed by at least three reputable people in the business. Only after one year as a good agent and said proposal can one even think of becoming a signatory agent, and its an honor as far as I am concerned to be one and not to be dismissed with a mere flourish of the pen (or website in this case).

Firstly, my client never sent you an email. Secondly, before jumping to conclusions about ones
character and ones involvement with a publishing company, would it not be prudent to check it out first. I did indeed shop both Alex Cord’s book and Ben Costello’s book around to several companies before landing the deals with Five Star Publications. Of course a press release, as you point out, was released as
all were happy to be working together. That’s standard, as you should know. I have both contracts containing details of advances and the royalties sitting here on my desk.

I have never worked for Five Star Publications, maybe working along side them ( a very different
thing) helping to promote my clients work and get Mr. Costello several book signings, as a  good agent does..of which he now has many… and the logo that you point out happened to be on my headed notepaper in those colors, which I picked many years ago. I happen to have been a celebrity journalist for many many years before becoming an agent, and everything on my bio page is the
complete truth. Pictures don’t lie. I have at least five celebrity clients, maybe I should change it to Six or Seven Star………Five Star Publications did indeed do my fabulous looking website, which I paid mucho bucks for, as anyone getting a website up does.

I have no idea how you found out about the books…. Of course I am glad you did, because you will do
nothing but enjoy them.

The point to all this is:  simply never jump to any conclusions about anyone let alone put it in
print, so that next time no one’s attorney will contact you. An apology to me on your site would be the gentlemanly thing to do.

I hope indeed you will print this as you promised in it entirety.

Most Sincerely,

Janette Anderson

Janette Anderson
Talent Agency
9682 Via Torino
Burbank, Ca 91504
WGA signatory
818
768 3358
www.fivestarcelebrity.com
andersonagencyja@aol.com
emmadeetwo@aol.com
www.alexcord.net
www.50yearsofgunsmoke.com

"Dreams
have wings, dare to soar"

Fanficcer Spoof

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The satirical site Watley Review has posted a brilliant, pitch-perfect spoof of the fanficcer attitude towards popular fiction:

A disgruntled Harry Potter fan has released a "corrected" version
of J.K Rowling’s latest installment in the series, The Half-Blood Prince,
prompting a storm of curiosity and support from many fans who disliked the
direction of the story in the book. It has also, not surprisingly, prompted a
storm of legal activity from Rowling’s publishers.

"Whenever an author puts a work out into the universe, it is no longer
their exclusive property anymore," said Mary Sue Pembroke, who is credited
as the author of the modified book. "Harry Potter belongs to all of us, not
just Rowling. She took some liberties with the story in this latest book that
really weren’t faithful to the logic of the narrative. My version is, I think
it fair to say, much more faithful to the true Harry Potter mythos."

…This is not the first time a fan has created a story based on an author’s
setting; so-called fanfiction is a popular pursuit across the internet. This
is, however, the first time a fan story has captured a sizeable portion of the
author’s audience: over 800,000 fans have downloaded the book, many openly
hostile to J.K. Rowling’s narrative decisions in the most recent book.

Scholastic Publishing has obtained an injunction against Pembroke and has
threatened a lawsuit, but has been unable to take the site offline due to a
number of overseas mirror sites…

"The only way for an author to keep a piece of writing completely their
own is to never have it published," insisted Pembroke. "J.K. Rowling,
you asked for this."

Whoever wrote this piece has a great ear for the fanficcer voice. It sounds just like  Naomi Novik and her ilk doesn’t it? It’s uncanny. For example, here’s one of  Novik’s comments:

I do understand individual authors who feel strongly that they don’t
want fanfic on their own work out there. If an author feels an intense
negative reaction to fanfic on her work, that is a completely valid
feeling. I don’t think that it obliges people to respect that feeling,
but it’s not ridiculous, it’s how she feels, and I personally do
respect that reaction out of courtesy.

"Mary Sue Pembroke" is a bulls-eye.

Typical Day

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Today was another typical working day for me (yeah, I know it’s Sunday, it makes no difference).

I spent the morning working on my second MONK novel. First, I revised the work I did yesterday, then worked on a new chapter. I managed to write 9 new pages.  I had lunch, then I spent the next few hours studying the three pilot pitches I’m going to be doing at various studios and production companies tomorrow (while keeping one eye on my daughter, who was in the pool with a friend). And then, just before logging on here, I spent some time sending out emails to some booksellers to arrange signings in October for THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE. Once I’m done with this post, I’ll BBQ some chicken for the family and then go back to work on MONK for a while before taking one, last look at the pitches before going to bed. 

Tomorrow moring, I hit the road at 8 a.m. to make it on time to our first meeting of the day, a 10 am pitch  in Hollywood.  I probably won’t get home until after 5 pm and then, after dinner, I’ll revise the MONK pages I wrote today and, if I still have some energy left, I’ll try to work some more on the book.

Okay, time to go, the BBQ is calling…

Room 222

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We’re back in the classroom again…well, the virtual one, anyway. William Rabkin and I are teaching "Beginning Television Writing" for  Writers University, starting on August 1.

In this four week course, we’ll give you an inside look at the world of
episodic television. You will learn—and practice— the actual process
involved in successfully writing your spec episodic script (the sample you’ll need to start getting TV work). You will learn how to analyze a TV show and
develop “franchise”-friendly story ideas. You will develop and write a
story… and then, after incorporating our brilliant notes, you will be
sent off to write your outline. Finally, you will develop and refine
your outline with us… and leaving you the course
ready to write your episodic spec script…the first step in getting a
job on a TV series.

For more information, click here.