Lee Goldberg

How Not To Make it Big in Hollywood

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I got this email today…

Hello,
I am a 21 year old aspiring model/actress/entertainer, my name is  Melinda XYZ. My dream and goal is to
work in all different aspects of the entertainment industry. I have the attitude
and personality that it takes to make it in this industry.
I am fun, energetic, and a beautiful 21 year old female that has the drive to make it "big" in the entertainment industry. I am very comfortable in front of the camera and in of people!
I am really interested in working with you.
Could you please help me out. I know that you are busy but
I seem to keep ending up with the people contacting me only for "adult films"
and I dont want to put myself in that situation. Could you possibly help me
out a little – PLEASE..

Stats:
Birthday: October 24, 1983
Eyes:
Hazel
Hair: Light Brown
Height: 5’3"
Weight: 102
Pants: 3
Bust:
34c
Waist: 22
Hips: 34
Shoe: 6.5
Size: 3
 
Please feel free to contact me or my manager. My
numbers are;
Home: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Work: XXX-XXX-XXXX ext 2171 please feel free to call me at work any time. My address is XXXXXXXXXX. My manager’s address is XXXXXXXXXX. My email address is XXXXXXXXXX.

Gee, I can’t imagine  why she’d only be getting offers from porn producers, can you?

Do you think it could be because her impersonal pitch reads like a singles ad… or worse, like one of those email come-ons from women inviting you to call them for some hot phone sex?

I don’t know what makes her think that junk mailing this pitch, packed with important details like her shoe size, will get her a job offer from anyone but a porn producer.

I wonder if her "manager" gave her this wonderful advice….

UPDATE (1/22/05) – I got this email today:

4 Cheating House Wife have been matched for you in your area:

1)
Danielle, 120 lbs, 5’9, 36c, 14 miles away, available Jan 15-17th
2) Emily,
128 lbs, 5’7, 36d, 11 miles away, available most week nights ( looking for
side-fling)
3) Hannah, 121 lbs, 5’8, 34b, 5 miles away, available Jan
13-17th
4) Melissa, 127 lbs, 5’8, 36c, 13 miles away, available most week
nights ( looking for side-fling)

All 4 women are waiting to speak with
you live & have photos. Webcam’s are available for all 4.

I wonder if they want to be actresses too…

Outsourcing Signings

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Author Margaret Atwood has stirred up quite a controversy by creating a "remote booksigning device" that would allow her to "attend" booksignings without actually being there.  She wrote about her invention, and the controversy, in today’s Los Angeles Times.

In an effort to simplify the most grueling part of the book-publication process
— the dreaded Author Tour — I dreamed up the concept of a remote book-signing
device. (I’ve spent far too many evenings crawling around on hotel room floors,
eating Pringles because I was too exhausted to call room service, so I needed
this!) The author would be able to relax at his or her home base and could see
and speak with a book buyer in a bookstore thousands of miles away. That much
can happen already.

But in addition, the author would be able to
actually sign — in real time, and with real ink — the book buyer’s book (or the
singer’s album, or the actor’s photograph). You would no longer have to be in
the bookstore to write "Happy Birthday, Aunt Sylvia." You would simply write on
a little pad (somewhat like the one the UPS messenger brings to your door) and
on the other end, your message and signature would be duplicated in the book.

Think of the plane trips avoided, the beer nuts left uneaten in the
hotel mini-bar, and — from the publisher’s point of view — the money saved! For
it costs a lot to whiz a bunch of disoriented and grumpy authors around the
world.

That’s exactly what she’s doing…thinking of the author or,more accurately, herself. What she’s proposing is the customer support approach towards her readers.  What’s wrong with an automated menu and no live operator? What’s wrong if that live operator is someone you can barely understand in Singapore or India? It’s still customer service, right? RIGHT?

She’s forgetting the personal touch, the human interaction. The respect. It’s not just the signature that’s important to most readers, it’s the chance to meet someone who has had a dramatic and often emotional impact on their lives and imaginations. It’s a way to meet someone who has inspired and entertained you. It’s also a way for authors to see the face of the people they are writing for, the people who have supported them in their art. It’s a way to say "Thank you," for both author and reader.  It’s not just a signature. And looking into a computer screen and shaking hands with a robot arm isn’t quite the same thing. What’s astonishing is that she doesn’t get that… or maybe she does.

The only difference between the author-at-a-distance and the author-in-the-flesh
would be that no author’s DNA would get onto the book, and no readers’ germs
would get onto the author.

I think this is where she betrays her real attitudes towards signings and her readers.  But there’s something else I find personally offensive about her booksigning-at-a-distance machine: it’s her broad, caricatured characterization of authors as cranky assholes who think it’s a burden to meet readers.

This may come as shock to Margaret Atwood and everyone else on the planet Vulcan, but lots of authors enjoy meeting their readers, enjoy the personal contact, and derive enormous pleasure from being able to sign their books in person.

She may have unintentionally succeeded in her goal of avoiding book tours. Given her attitude towards signing and readers, who would ever want this woman to sign their books again? Who would ever want her in their store? Not me.

How Not To Sell a Movie

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I received this email today.

Dear Sir,
Did you like the 1993 movie Falling Down starring Michael Douglas? I’ve got
a screenplay Forty Plus about a computer operator who goes postal when the
mainframe computer is phased out.
Forty Plus is also more than that; it is an action screenplay in the
tradition of The French Connection/Traffic/ To Live in Die in L.A with car
chases never before attempted on screen, a gun battle at the Seattle Airport
between a korean druglord, who peddles cocaine and metamphetamine from his
pharmacy in Koreatown, and his henchmen against Detective Sam Trout and the
police.
Please let me know if you are interested in Forty Plus.
Sincerely,

I replied:

I’m a writer. I don’t buy scripts, I write them. And you’re not going to sell yours by sending out blind emails to strangers.

You might wonder why I keep posting these emails — the ones where people try to peddle their scripts to me and I write them back and tell them I’m not interested.
I do it to embarrass them, of course.
Sounds cruel, doesn’t it? I hope so. Because I post a mere fraction of the "Buy My Script" solicitations I get each week. It’s pointless to send these queries to me (I’M NOT A MOVIE PRODUCER) and I’m hoping the prospect of ending up on my blog will get people to stop doing it.

UPDATE  —  It gets even better. A couple hours after I posted this, I got another email from the same fellow. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,
I don’t expect you to buy my script. I’ll be honest- my screenplay Forty
Plus needs polishing that only a professional writer like you can give it. You
may modify it any way you wish. I’m willing to give you exclusive rights to it
and you can be the first writer with me merely being listed as "based on an idea
by Robert Butler"- you can have 80% of the profits and I’ll have the rest. I’m
willing to sign anything you give me. Just ask yourself, does not the concept of
the story sound intriguing?- a korean druglord, Chung Ho Lee, who is a
pharmacist by day in Koreatown selling cocaine from his drugstore, by night he
is a druglord commanding an army of hitmen that do his bidding to wipe out the
competition and throw in a loose canon like Ben Rand, who goes postal when he
loses his job when the mainframe computer is phased out and they both are out on
a mission and their destination is the Seattle airport with Detective Sam Trout
hot on their trail.
Please think about it.
Sincerely,

Gee, I think I’m gonna pass. But you may feel free to take him up on his exciting offer.

UPDATE (1-14-05) –  I sent Bob an email saying I wasn’t interested in his script and wishing him luck with it. Here’s his response:

You’re not interested- I’ve heard that song a million times. In other
words, you are not up to the challenge of producing something new, different and
controversial- just the standard by the numbers, status quo fare. Mr. Producer I
wish you the best of luck in your illustrious career! You obviously have an
active imagination.
Good day sir.

 

Angst Fanfic

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Someone sent me the following "disclaimer" from the main page of the "Jesse Travis Angst Fanfiction Site." (Jesse is a character in Diagnosis Murder).

Disclaimer- The following fanfiction is the property of the author however the
characters and world of Diagnosis Murder do not unless stated otherwise, i.e.
original characters.

I find it amusing that the writer considers his fanfic "the property of the author", but he feels no qualms about pilfering someone else’s characters in his work. Amazing double-standard there, huh?

The site is, I’m told, just one part of  Angst Fanfiction World of Sparkycola.  I’m almost afraid to ask… what the heck is angst fanfiction? How is it different from hurt/comfort or a good spanking? 

C’mon Get Happy!

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My sisters Karen & Linda have a gripe.

Lee often quotes Tod in his blog but he rarely quotes either of us, his two really funny and talented sisters. However, we won’t harp on that because we don’t really talk about all that mystery shmistery stuff that his fans (or in some cases, his enemies) like to read.

That is about to change.  My sisters, my brother, and I all have new books coming out in November — Linda Woods & Karen Dinino’s  art book VISUAL CHRONICLES, Tod Goldberg’s short story collection SIMPLIFY, and my detective yarn THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE.  PartridgefamWe’re going to hit the road together, like the Partridge Family. I’m Keith, of course. Tod is Danny. Karen is Laurie. And Linda is Tracy.  We aren’t going to sing… but we’ll sign books, tell lies, and probably make an art project or two.

My art-minded sisters have also launched a new feature on their blog of interest to folks here.

We do know something about books, and in an effort to bind the 4 of us in the literary world, a new feature of this blog is born… Judging a Book by its Cover.

Be sure to check it out… and watch this space over the coming months for more news about my sisters and their first book.

Does Everyone Have A Book In Them?

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…not according to my brother Tod, the literary novelist who teaches creative writing at UCLA Extension, among other places.

It’s hard for me to say that I teach creative writing because I firmly believe
that talent cannot be taught. Either you can string two words together or you
can’t, and what I am able to do is either provide direction or try to foster
talent in a particular way. There are tools, certainly, that a writer needs, but
I don’t prescribe to the idea that everyone has a novel inside them, just like I
don’t believe everyone has a brain surgeon or a plumber or a lawyer inside
them. 

He also talks about some of his experiences as a teacher.

There are three things I try to suss out the first night:

1. Who is the crazy person (there’s always, always one).

2. Who is the person who will disagree with everything I say.

3. Who is the person who will be offended by my constant use of the word
"fuck" as a place holder for my thoughts, as in, "It’s hard to say whether or
not a first present tense story about a woman with an imaginary friend who
commits murders while the main character is asleep, but only kills the people
the main character dreams of, will sell. I mean, it’s like, fuck.  You know?"

True to His School

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My Uncle Stanley Barer was recently appointed by the Governor of Washington to serve as a Regent at the Univeristy of Washington through 2010. My Mom, My Dad, my Uncle Burl Barer, and William Rabkin, my TV writing partner, are all Uof W grads.

Stanley Barer received a B.A. from UW and also graduated from
the UW School of Law. In 2000, Barer was honored as the Distinguished Alumnus of
the Year by the UW School of Economics. He has received similar honors from the
UW School of Law and the UW Law Review Editorial Board. Barer and his wife
contributed to the UW Law School’s new Center for Graduate Programs &
International Studies, and he is currently serving as chair of the law school’s
capital campaign. Barer and his wife also established a $1 million educational
endowment for teaching K-12 students the basics of international trade and
transportation.

“I am greatly honored by this appointment,” Barer said.
“The university has played an extremely important role in my life. It is a great
institution, and I look forward to doing my part to make it even better.”

Barer is chairman emeritus and part owner of Saltchuk Resources, Inc. He
also remains of counsel to the Seattle law firm of Garvey, Schubert & Barer,
where for 20 years he specialized in the areas of government regulation,
shipping and international trade.

Barer is a founder and longtime board
member of the Washington State China Relations Council. He also serves on the
board and executive committee of the Washington Council on International Trade.
Barer has previously served as chair of the maritime committee and vice chair of
trade and transportation for the Greater Seattle Chamber of Commerce.

The UW Board of Regents is the governing body for the University of
Washington.

Way to go Uncle Stanley!

I Wonder How She Feels About Male-Birthing Stories

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Bestselling author Sandra Brown  doesn’t like fanfic based on her work and wants her fans to help her find it.  She posts this note on her site

A Word About Fan Fiction

We post excerpts from some of Sandra’s more recent books so that you, the reader, can make more informed purchasing decisions. We now ask that you help us in return. Fan Fiction is illegal. Taking characters from an author’s work and adapting stories around them constitutes copyright
infringement. If you discover "Fan Fiction" of Mrs. Brown’s work, please don’t hesitate
to us.

The Mail I Get

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I received this note in my email box this morning.

I’m another writer who has been tinkering with a story about con artists. If you are telling a story from the perspective of the morally wrong person does there need to be justification (aside from money) for these people to do  what they are doing?
Also… I want one of my main characters to be a bit quiet/precise with his words… what can I do to make him more interesting.

Thank you for presenting your talents for questioning.

Here is what I told him.

The answer to your first question is no. Beyond that, the best advice I can give you is  to read some books that are from the pov of a "morally wrong person." Donald Westlake’s PARKER novels come immediately to mind, as well as Gary Disher’s
WYATT novels, Thomas Perry’s BUTCHERS BOY, Lawrence Block’s HITMAN, and Barry Eisler’s RAIN series, to name just a few. You might also look at Dan J.  Marlowe’s THE NAME OF THE GAME IS DEATH and Jim Thompson’s THE GRIFTERS (the basis for the movie the same name, screenplay by Donald Westlake).

As for your second question, I can’t answer that. It’s up to you, my friend. That’s what being a writer is all about.