Lee Goldberg

How Not To Sell a Movie

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I received this email today.

Dear Sir,
Did you like the 1993 movie Falling Down starring Michael Douglas? I’ve got
a screenplay Forty Plus about a computer operator who goes postal when the
mainframe computer is phased out.
Forty Plus is also more than that; it is an action screenplay in the
tradition of The French Connection/Traffic/ To Live in Die in L.A with car
chases never before attempted on screen, a gun battle at the Seattle Airport
between a korean druglord, who peddles cocaine and metamphetamine from his
pharmacy in Koreatown, and his henchmen against Detective Sam Trout and the
police.
Please let me know if you are interested in Forty Plus.
Sincerely,

I replied:

I’m a writer. I don’t buy scripts, I write them. And you’re not going to sell yours by sending out blind emails to strangers.

You might wonder why I keep posting these emails — the ones where people try to peddle their scripts to me and I write them back and tell them I’m not interested.
I do it to embarrass them, of course.
Sounds cruel, doesn’t it? I hope so. Because I post a mere fraction of the "Buy My Script" solicitations I get each week. It’s pointless to send these queries to me (I’M NOT A MOVIE PRODUCER) and I’m hoping the prospect of ending up on my blog will get people to stop doing it.

UPDATE  —  It gets even better. A couple hours after I posted this, I got another email from the same fellow. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,
I don’t expect you to buy my script. I’ll be honest- my screenplay Forty
Plus needs polishing that only a professional writer like you can give it. You
may modify it any way you wish. I’m willing to give you exclusive rights to it
and you can be the first writer with me merely being listed as "based on an idea
by Robert Butler"- you can have 80% of the profits and I’ll have the rest. I’m
willing to sign anything you give me. Just ask yourself, does not the concept of
the story sound intriguing?- a korean druglord, Chung Ho Lee, who is a
pharmacist by day in Koreatown selling cocaine from his drugstore, by night he
is a druglord commanding an army of hitmen that do his bidding to wipe out the
competition and throw in a loose canon like Ben Rand, who goes postal when he
loses his job when the mainframe computer is phased out and they both are out on
a mission and their destination is the Seattle airport with Detective Sam Trout
hot on their trail.
Please think about it.
Sincerely,

Gee, I think I’m gonna pass. But you may feel free to take him up on his exciting offer.

UPDATE (1-14-05) –  I sent Bob an email saying I wasn’t interested in his script and wishing him luck with it. Here’s his response:

You’re not interested- I’ve heard that song a million times. In other
words, you are not up to the challenge of producing something new, different and
controversial- just the standard by the numbers, status quo fare. Mr. Producer I
wish you the best of luck in your illustrious career! You obviously have an
active imagination.
Good day sir.

 

Angst Fanfic

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Someone sent me the following "disclaimer" from the main page of the "Jesse Travis Angst Fanfiction Site." (Jesse is a character in Diagnosis Murder).

Disclaimer- The following fanfiction is the property of the author however the
characters and world of Diagnosis Murder do not unless stated otherwise, i.e.
original characters.

I find it amusing that the writer considers his fanfic "the property of the author", but he feels no qualms about pilfering someone else’s characters in his work. Amazing double-standard there, huh?

The site is, I’m told, just one part of  Angst Fanfiction World of Sparkycola.  I’m almost afraid to ask… what the heck is angst fanfiction? How is it different from hurt/comfort or a good spanking? 

C’mon Get Happy!

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My sisters Karen & Linda have a gripe.

Lee often quotes Tod in his blog but he rarely quotes either of us, his two really funny and talented sisters. However, we won’t harp on that because we don’t really talk about all that mystery shmistery stuff that his fans (or in some cases, his enemies) like to read.

That is about to change.  My sisters, my brother, and I all have new books coming out in November — Linda Woods & Karen Dinino’s  art book VISUAL CHRONICLES, Tod Goldberg’s short story collection SIMPLIFY, and my detective yarn THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE.  PartridgefamWe’re going to hit the road together, like the Partridge Family. I’m Keith, of course. Tod is Danny. Karen is Laurie. And Linda is Tracy.  We aren’t going to sing… but we’ll sign books, tell lies, and probably make an art project or two.

My art-minded sisters have also launched a new feature on their blog of interest to folks here.

We do know something about books, and in an effort to bind the 4 of us in the literary world, a new feature of this blog is born… Judging a Book by its Cover.

Be sure to check it out… and watch this space over the coming months for more news about my sisters and their first book.

Does Everyone Have A Book In Them?

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…not according to my brother Tod, the literary novelist who teaches creative writing at UCLA Extension, among other places.

It’s hard for me to say that I teach creative writing because I firmly believe
that talent cannot be taught. Either you can string two words together or you
can’t, and what I am able to do is either provide direction or try to foster
talent in a particular way. There are tools, certainly, that a writer needs, but
I don’t prescribe to the idea that everyone has a novel inside them, just like I
don’t believe everyone has a brain surgeon or a plumber or a lawyer inside
them. 

He also talks about some of his experiences as a teacher.

There are three things I try to suss out the first night:

1. Who is the crazy person (there’s always, always one).

2. Who is the person who will disagree with everything I say.

3. Who is the person who will be offended by my constant use of the word
"fuck" as a place holder for my thoughts, as in, "It’s hard to say whether or
not a first present tense story about a woman with an imaginary friend who
commits murders while the main character is asleep, but only kills the people
the main character dreams of, will sell. I mean, it’s like, fuck.  You know?"

True to His School

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My Uncle Stanley Barer was recently appointed by the Governor of Washington to serve as a Regent at the Univeristy of Washington through 2010. My Mom, My Dad, my Uncle Burl Barer, and William Rabkin, my TV writing partner, are all Uof W grads.

Stanley Barer received a B.A. from UW and also graduated from
the UW School of Law. In 2000, Barer was honored as the Distinguished Alumnus of
the Year by the UW School of Economics. He has received similar honors from the
UW School of Law and the UW Law Review Editorial Board. Barer and his wife
contributed to the UW Law School’s new Center for Graduate Programs &
International Studies, and he is currently serving as chair of the law school’s
capital campaign. Barer and his wife also established a $1 million educational
endowment for teaching K-12 students the basics of international trade and
transportation.

“I am greatly honored by this appointment,” Barer said.
“The university has played an extremely important role in my life. It is a great
institution, and I look forward to doing my part to make it even better.”

Barer is chairman emeritus and part owner of Saltchuk Resources, Inc. He
also remains of counsel to the Seattle law firm of Garvey, Schubert & Barer,
where for 20 years he specialized in the areas of government regulation,
shipping and international trade.

Barer is a founder and longtime board
member of the Washington State China Relations Council. He also serves on the
board and executive committee of the Washington Council on International Trade.
Barer has previously served as chair of the maritime committee and vice chair of
trade and transportation for the Greater Seattle Chamber of Commerce.

The UW Board of Regents is the governing body for the University of
Washington.

Way to go Uncle Stanley!

I Wonder How She Feels About Male-Birthing Stories

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Bestselling author Sandra Brown  doesn’t like fanfic based on her work and wants her fans to help her find it.  She posts this note on her site

A Word About Fan Fiction

We post excerpts from some of Sandra’s more recent books so that you, the reader, can make more informed purchasing decisions. We now ask that you help us in return. Fan Fiction is illegal. Taking characters from an author’s work and adapting stories around them constitutes copyright
infringement. If you discover "Fan Fiction" of Mrs. Brown’s work, please don’t hesitate
to us.

The Mail I Get

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I received this note in my email box this morning.

I’m another writer who has been tinkering with a story about con artists. If you are telling a story from the perspective of the morally wrong person does there need to be justification (aside from money) for these people to do  what they are doing?
Also… I want one of my main characters to be a bit quiet/precise with his words… what can I do to make him more interesting.

Thank you for presenting your talents for questioning.

Here is what I told him.

The answer to your first question is no. Beyond that, the best advice I can give you is  to read some books that are from the pov of a "morally wrong person." Donald Westlake’s PARKER novels come immediately to mind, as well as Gary Disher’s
WYATT novels, Thomas Perry’s BUTCHERS BOY, Lawrence Block’s HITMAN, and Barry Eisler’s RAIN series, to name just a few. You might also look at Dan J.  Marlowe’s THE NAME OF THE GAME IS DEATH and Jim Thompson’s THE GRIFTERS (the basis for the movie the same name, screenplay by Donald Westlake).

As for your second question, I can’t answer that. It’s up to you, my friend. That’s what being a writer is all about.

Tod’s Got a Blog

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My brother Tod has joined the blogging world…

I swore up and down that I wouldn’t get sucked into this. That I’d watch from
the sidelines while the rest of the world blogged away. I’d spend my mornings
jogging, working out, reading Dostoesvsky, getting a handle on my Esperanto
lessons, really getting down to the basics as to why I just can’t get my
wireless router to work, throwing out all my old cassette tapes, flossing,
shaving the tuft of hair that growns on the base of my back, rectifying that my
mother moved in down the street three years ago and, seemingly, ain’t moving
out, learning to love The Wire and 24 because everyone else seems to, maybe
doing an odd bit of actual writing during the daylight hours vs. the hours
between 9pm & 3am, thinking about who might have dropped the gate on
Freddy’s head on last week’s Amazing Race (Bolo?
Jonathan? Hayden?) and generally spending more time not reading blogs whilst
killing time.

But he finally gave in. Well, to be honest, I kind of pushed him into it. I gave him a blog for his birthday. Not using it would have been rude, don’t you think?

I can’t wait to see who he offends first. I just hope it isn’t me.

How Not To Sell A Series

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I received the following email this morning.  I’ve deleted the name and phone numbers, but otherwise I haven’t changed a thing…

My name is X, im am 16.
I have an idea of a drama tv show and I was want to sell it, so I was wondering
if you want it, or if you know a producer that will. My phone number is XYZ.  Thank you so much.

If this was written by a 16-year-0ld, it doesn’t say much for the quality of education in our country…