Lee Goldberg

More on Publish America

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I got this email today:

Hello Lee,
I am a writer wondering if I should go with Publish America. Take a look at
my website and let me know what you think.

I don’t know why  he wanted me to look at his website, or what difference it would make.  Anyway, here’s how I responded to his query:

Don’t. It’s a scam. If you are that eager to have your book in print, and have
failed to find a home with a real publisher, go to iUniverse. At least they are
honest about who they are and what they do (self-publishing)… their books look
professional (very slick and well bound)…and they pay royalties on a regular
basis (assuming you’ve earned some).

My experiences with iUniverse have been through the Authors Guild’s Back In Print program and the Mystery Writers of America. In both cases, iUniverse offered to reprint previously published, out-of-print  titles free-of-charge to the author.  I used those services to reprint my UNSOLD TELEVISION PILOTS book, which previously had only been available in a very expensive hardcover edition… and MY GUN HAS BULLETS, which never sold to paperback. In both cases, I was very pleased with my experience and I’ve been getting royalties from iUniverse on a regular, quarterly basis.  It’s not big money… but it’s money I wouldn’t have seen otherwise if I hadn’t taken advantage of the program. The Authors Guild still offers the Back In Print program, but I believe the Mystery Writers of America program has ended.

Put Another Script on the Barbie

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I got this email today… from Australia. I can’t imagine why this person’s script hasn’t sold… can you?

This is a plea for help. A plea for someone to PLEASE read my script and help me with producing it – or even forwarding it on to someone for them to have a look at it.

I sent a re-make of "Grapes of Wraith" which I spenf AGES writing to Nicole Kidman – only to have her Agent replying back "Send to someone else – we dont deal with this" – I thought – yeh thanks for your help.I havent seen another Nicole Kidman movie yet. This was around two to three years ago.

Please, Please Lee – Can you please Help

Walla Walla

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When I was a kid, I used to spend two or three weeks each summer in Walla Walla, Washington… a dreary farming community in middle of nowhere where my Mom was raised. As much as I loved visiting my grandparents, as I got older, the visits became more and more boring. There was nothing to do in Walla Walla.

Now, twenty-five years later, the LA times says that  Walla Walla is trendy… more than that, it’s a vacation spot.

A $53-million revitalization of its once-dying downtown core helped Walla Walla
to win a 2001 Great American Main Street award from the National Trust for
Historic Preservation. A year later, the trust chose the city as one of
America’s Dozen Distinctive Destinations, or "pockets of serenity amid the
sprawling clutter and homogenization that have overwhelmed so many American
vacation spots."

Last December I decided to have a look for myself. I
found a bit of Americana with a lively arts scene and three colleges, a
community that wears its pride on its sleeve, calling itself "the town so nice
they named it twice." And nice it is, with first-rate restaurants and
accommodations, art galleries and wineries.

It almost makes me want to go back and visit… though only a few members of my family still live there… and it’s still in middle of nowhere.

Walla Walla, just north of the Oregon border in southeastern Washington, isn’t
the easiest place to get to, but locals say that’s part of its charm and helps
to ensure that it won’t become an overtrodden Napa Valley. Horizon Air (a
subsidiary of Alaska Airlines) has three daily flights to and from Seattle, a
50-minute hop, or it’s 260 miles away by car on U.S. Highway 12.

When I was a kid, we used to fly into Portland… a good four-plus hour drive from Walla Walla… or, in later years, we’d arrive  in Pendleton.  I don’t remember how we got to Pendleton, but it was still an hour or two from Walla Walla, if my memory is correct.

My grandparents lived in Walla Walla for fifty years, most of the time in an unusual looking house on Division Street, near a park and a hamburger stand.  Later, they moved to the country club, and another unusual looking house (though more contemporary), which meant we could tool around in their golf cart and pretend we were driving a car.  I did a lot of reading in Walla Walla,  and bike-riding, and a lot of writing, too, on my grandmother’s portable typewriter that printed  in cursif.  I still have all the "novels" I wrote as a kid in Walla Walla in a box in the garage. One of these days, I’ll have to open the box up and take a look at them…

“Make My Man a Mommy”

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…that’s the name of a site dedicated to uniting the fans of  mpreg fanfic.  Some brave soul named Mr. Anonymous  sent me the link. Naturally,  I had to check it out.  Here’s what I found:

This is the official fan listing to Mpreg
            

What is Mpreg? it stand more Male Pregnancies. Usually due to  magic, aliens, or its just normal in the fan authors world. This   fan listing is to unite people who read or write Mpreg stories,  whether its from a anime, book, game, tv show or whatever.

Gee, I wonder who they had to see, and what they had to do, to make this site  "official."

MpregKindly Mr. Anonymous also directed me to the Pregnant Men website, which offers one-stop shopping for mpreg fans.

Thank you for visiting Pregnant Men.  This  site is dedicated to everything related to the idea of men being  pregnant.  Whether it be stories, movies, real life news,  or  anything else.  If it pertains to men being pregnant, you can be sure to find it here.
       

They even have a newsletter. I’m thinking of getting my brother Tod a subscription for Christmas. Don’t tell him, though… I want it to be a surprise.

      
       
      

Through the Back Door

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My brother Tod  , in his weekly Las Vegas Mercury column, wrote about all the things he had to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. This one made me laugh:

Words of wisdom I am thankful for: From Toni Bentley’s transcendent memoir (note to publicists: please use that as a jacket quote for the paperback release) Surrender,
her tale of enlightenment via anal sex, "My ass, knowing only him,
knows only bliss. The penetration is deeper, more profound; it rides
the edge of sanity. The direct path through my bowels to God has become
clear." One day, when I’m older and more versed in midlife crises
nonfiction, I hope to avoid needing this kind of enlightenment.

Get Well Soon

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The "Diagnosis Murder" fans are the greatest…

P1010596_1 They’ve been sending me "Get Well Soon" cards every day from all over the world… and a collection of stuffed animals with bandaged right-elbows. You can see a few of the animals in the picture on the left (click on the image for a larger view). I’ve arranged them on the bookshelf near my desk so they can nag me to keeping working on the next book!

Back in March, when I broke both my arms, I was inundated with cards and letters… and I can’t tell you how much it lifted my spirits. I’m lucky to have such thoughtful and caring readers…and I think about them every time I sit down at the computer to murder someone.

I mean that in a nice way, of course.

…though my wife does tell people if she dies before me, whether its natural causes or not, she wants a full investigation.

"My husband spends every day committing perfect murders," she says. "Some times I wonder if maybe, just maybe, it’s practice…" 

How Not To Get Your Book Published II

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I had this email exchange today.  This exchange is verbatim, I haven’t corrected or changed any of the spellings, grammar, etc:

Dear Mr Goldberg

I was wondering since you published a few books do you know any good traditional publsihing companies? I translated my father’s book and I am looking for a publsihing company. Please let me know.

I replied that there are many publishing companies, but that she’d be better off finding an agent first. She responded as follows:

Dear mr. goldberg

if it’s not a problem can you please give me the names of some traditional publishing companeis you contatcted with.

Thank You

So I sent her a list of publishing companies. And she replied:

Dear Mr Golberg,

I am sorry to bother you thrid time in one day. I was wondering if any of those publishing companeis will agree to at elast conscider my manuscript can I tell them that you refered me to them or you don;t want me to? Do you know if you are going to be on any book signings in IL soon? Thank You

Can you believe the chutzpah? I sent her back a terse note telling her that NO, she could not use me as a reference since I didn’t know her and haven’t read her book. But judging by her emails, I don’t have a lot of faith in her translating skills…

Back in the Blog Again`

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Hello friends… I’m glad to report that I’m back-in-action after a few days of recuperation. The surgery to remove all the scar tissue and my titanium implants went very well… and I was awake for the entire 3 hour operation, which I also watched. It was fascinating. I don’t understand how I can watch them tear up my own arm, but I cringe during the fake surgical scenes in NIP/TUCK. Makes no sense. Anyway, it looks as though I’ve regained considerable motion in my arm… now the trick will be keeping my new-found flexibility. For six hours each day, I’ve been using a machine that bends and extends my arm…and I’ve been going to physical therapy, too.

Now it’s time to get back to work writing, so I can pay for all this top-of-the-line medical care. I want to thank my brother Tod for keeping the blog afloat in my absense with his wit and wisdom.

Bigger. Stronger. Less Titanium

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Tod here reporting on the new and improved version of Lee. My understanding, from sources close to the surgery, is that Lee was awake for the entire surgery and watched with eager pleasure as his crack staff of doctors removed all the precious metals from his arm. While watching this occur, Lee was horrified to learn that aliens had implanted a tracking device into his arm at some point in the past and that all his thoughts, emotions, true feelings about the likelyhood that Richard Hatch and the Dagget once copulated, and a pilot idea for a show about crime fighting crossover TV/ fan fiction writers ("This week, the cast of the Love Boat solves the mystery of who shot JR…") had been turned into a database that will later be used to enslave all of mankind deep in the center of the earth.

All that being said, he’s in good shape and eagerly awaiting word from the Mothership.