Lee Goldberg

How NOT To Get a Freelance Assignment

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I got this email today:

I know Tom Scarpling wrote the last episode of Monk, Mr. Monk and the Kid, which aired on Friday last. I was well dissapointed in it. It failed to show any real cleverness on Mr. Monk’s part. I don’t mean to be critical. I don’t watch the show all that much, only when I can come home from working 69 hours a week!
The acting was great, the human experience intriguing and endearing. But the sagacity and creativity was wanting.

I still have the 15 page episode which might shed  new light on Monk’s abilities. I have written two novels already. I am not a  professional but I can’t believe that true talent and creativity are relegated  only to the experienced.

I’ll alert the MONK writing staff to stop whatever they are doing until your "15 page episode" arrives. I’m sure there’s a lot they can learn from it.

"True talent and creativity" are not relegated only to the experienced — but experience, and a smidgen of knowledge, might have taught you that there’s no such thing as a "15 page episode." Hour-long, episodic teleplays are roughly 58 pages. Experience might also have taught you that telling the creators, producers, and writers of a show that you,  whose only connection to the program is infrequent viewing, can "shed new light" on their characters is outrageously arrogrant and probably not likely to win their favor.   Oh, one other thing…the episode you saw last Friday was a rerun from last season. A little research  doesn’t hurt, either.

UPDATE:  After I posted this message, something he wrote still nagged at me:  "I still have the 15 page episode," as if it was something I should be familiar with.  So I did a quick scan of the emails I’ve received over the last year to see if I have heard from this man before. Sure enough, I got an email from him last month:

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Mr. Monk and the Fan Letter

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I got the following email about my book MR. MONK GOES TO THE FIREHOUSE:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,

I have finished reading your book. I was really excited to read it since I enjoy reading mysteries as much as watching them. I was disappointed to discover that despite the number of people who read it for you before you published it, there are still mistakes in the book.  For example, I read this on page two:

"If that’s the price of genius, them I’m glad I’m not one of them."

I winced when I read that. I believe the "them" should be a "then" instead.  Then, on page ninety-two:

"Mr. Monk came out of the kitchen with a glass of milk."

Reality check. Monk would not be with a glass of milk. He’s afraid of milk. One of his top 10 phobias if I remember correctly. What would he be doing with a glass of milk? The milk is never gone into further detail to explain why he would be with a glass of milk and not  freaking out at the same time.

That’s it for technical errors. On page one-eighty-eight Monk starts going through confidential case files for homicide, and lists the  culprits as if reading from a shopping list. Even for Monk, that is just too much. That embarasses the police department. It sounded cheap and tactless. It wasn’t necessary to stick that in there.  Otherwise, I thought your book was good. I’m looking forward to the
next one.  I hope there won’t be any mistakes in it.

Best Regards,

XYZ

P.S. My mother also read your book. She thought it could do without Natalie going on and on about Firefighter Joe as if it were a tacky romance paperback novel. In addition, Julie was a real brat.

I’m assuming the author of the note is a kid, so I went easy on her. I wrote back that the milk error escaped both me and MONK creator Andy Breckman and that occasionally some typographical errors slip by even the sharpest of authors and copyeditors. I didn’t comment on her other objections. I warned her that since I am human and so are my editors, there will probably be some mistakes in the next book, too, but that I’m hoping she will remain vigilant and catch them for us.

POD: Prey On Dimwits?

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I got this email today. I have deleted the name of the book and the author:

I read something you
wrote about AuthorHouse and its too-good-to-be-true (because it is) package and
stuff, ending with “whoever signs up for this ‘publishing package’
is a dimwit who deserves to be taken for every last cent he has”.

Guess what….You’re
looking at one. Wish I’d read this missive before dealing with
AuthorHouse. POD means “Preys On Dimwits”. If that fits, pass it
around. Just don’t tell AH I said that. (groan)

My long-awaited (by me and my friends anyway)book XYZ went live in October 2004.
Blood, sweat and tears went into that damn thing. I was placing my “baby”
in the hands of people I trusted. (BTW, my contract with AH runs out in Oct.
2006) Really a shot in the arm to get my 30 free books (which I mostly GAVE
AWAY, thinking nobody would actually pay the $11.95 AH wanted for it. I get
like 80 cents per book). I went through the finished product and proofread it
after the fact….why? Because I couldn’t afford the proofreading
services like everything else they tacked onto the bill. Typos fixed at $10 a
word (or close to it). A typo on the back cover took $30 to fix. Punctuation
problems blamed on me. Because they print, word for word, everything you give
them, typos or not. If that is not a red flag my friend, it should be on fire. I’ve
made a whopping $17.98 or so. They sent me my W-2 form for the tax returns. Oh,
break out the bubbly!

I sunk more than $1000 into the PRINTING, not publication, of my book (a trade-sized
paperback) that is in the middle of being rewritten (typos removed, new characters, new crises and fleshing out of the story; it’s called “author’s remorse”  [you could’ve done better before it went to print]. I want to send this to a REAL publisher…. “Traditional” means nothing nowadays).

Long story short, I like what you write about this POD stuff. Just sorry I didn’t read it
sooner. Think I have any hope?

You’ve learned an important and  expensive lesson. Now, if I were you, I’d focus less on getting published and more on just writing a good book. Because in addition to going to Authorhouse, you made another serious error — you sent in a deeply flawed manuscript. The punctuation problems are your fault.  And by your own admission, the manuscript still needed work. So here’s another lesson you can glean from this experience — don’t submit a manuscript to agents or editors that’s riddled with typos, punctuation errors and has a lackluster story that needs new characters, new crises, and fleshing out.   

Out of Options?

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I got this email while I was away. The subject heading was "What to do after you’ve exhausted every resource in writing?"

Greetings.  First off, I am a potential author.  I say potential cause I’ve yet to get anything published.  Have about four finished manuscripts under my belt and I’ve exhausted
agents, publishers, some even overseas.  I’ve found nobody willing to take a chance on rookies (and I’ve got so many rejections that I’m thinking about wallpapering the bathroom).

You discourage the use of POD’s, but what’s a person to do when no other options are available?  Self publishing, perhaps, but cost of DIY is astronomical for some of us.

Could you give some insight that would light the darkness?  Any help will be appreciated.

I have some insight, but I don’t think you’re going to like it. You haven’t "exhausted every resource in writing," you’ve received some rejections. Big deal.  If you can’t handle rejection, you aren’t cut out to be a writer. It’s part of the job and certainly doesn’t end once you are published or produced.

The painful truth is that your rejections probably have nothing to do with people being unwilling to take a chance on a rookie. More likely, your novels aren’t marketable, they weren’t right for that publisher or agent, or they simply suck. What do you do? If you have confidence in the manuscripts, keep sending them out and start writing something new. POD self-publishing isn’t really an option, it’s just a way to spend hundreds of dollars printing your rejected manuscript in book form for your relatives to buy (if you nag them hard enough).  But if you have the money to waste and your goal is only to see your manuscript in something resembling a book, then go for it. You won’t have to work so hard and you certainly won’t get any more rejection letters. 

The Easy Way to Become a Professional Writer

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I have a confession to make. I’m a moron. I worked so hard to become a professional writer — spending years slogging away as a journalist, freelance magazine writer, non-fiction author, freelance TV writer, novelist, and writer-producer — when all I really had to do was join FanStory.com.  Now, thanks to those helpful folks at Writers Digest, who shared with me this moving letter from Jason Parker, I have  learned the error of my ways and can save you from making the same, horrible mistake:

"If it weren’t for FanStory.com, I wouldn’t be a tenth of the writer I am today. For three years I’ve been a Premier Author at FanStory – posting stories, novels, articles, poetry; giving reviews and rating material; remaining in personal contact with published novelists; and enjoying the hell out of growing as a writer.  Not only does the community of writers at FanStory support and help one another, they compete in a yearly ranking system. At the end of each year, the top five authors in four categories receive trophies in the mail. Related to competing, each month FanStory holds many writing contests in which the winner receives $100. To top that, there is a Seal Committee that brands top-notch work with a Seal of Quality, the author gaining the status of professional."

Jeepers. If only I’d known that FanStory had the awesome power, respect and prestige to grant writers The Status of Professional, I could have saved myself years of pointless effort and experience trying to establish my reputation among newspapers, magazines, publishers, editors, producers, studios and networks.

What a fool I’ve been! 

I realize now that what has been missing from my career, and from my life, is the FanStory Seal of Quality, my entree to the exciting world of publishing.   Think of it. Someday, if I really apply myself, I can attain the highest honor in the field. And all it will cost me is $2.80-a-month.

My new goal in life is to become a Premier Author at Fanstory (even if it takes years) and maybe, someday, becoming a true professional. Thank you, Writers Digest, for sharing this important information with me from one of your wonderful marketing partners. You’re doing an amazing service for aspiring writers everywhere.

UPDATE 4-11-06: A blogger disagrees with me. She compares fanstory.com to participating in any competition:

We won the grand final last year and we each got a big trophy. Are the
Hockeyroos scoffing at me because it’s not an Olympic gold medal? Are they
annoyed because I’m just excited about it as they are about their Olympic gold
medal? It’s like gaining particular status just for being a part of a particular
university society. You can’t say that it means "nothing".

It’s about
status. Lee Goldberg sometimes feels like his status means nothing.

It’s
sad, and I don’t why he feels like that. But that, folks, is what it’s all
about.

I don’t think contributing to fanstory.com and winning their competitions is akin to, say,  my daughter playing in a junior soccer league and getting a trophy if her team wins the championship. For one thing, the league doesn’t doesn’t grant her the status of professional soccer player. They give her a trophy for winning the local championship.

What fanstory is selling (and let’s be clear, it’s a business) is the false impression that their granting of status means something (it doesn’t) and that the honor carries some meaning in the writing profession (it doesn’t).

My status does mean something to me. But it wasn’t "granted" by a cheesy website. It was earned.

Honolulu Part 6

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P2040027
The library talk tonight was sparsely attended but just as lively and interesting (for me, anyway) as all the other talks I’ve done during my visit to Oahu (I stayed a good 45 minutes after closing to keep answering questions). I got to meet several regular readers of this blog face-to-face, including a former Writers University student of ours, and some of the library officials who were kind enough to approve the grant that brought me to Hawaii.  I had a terrific time and I want to thank Cindy Chow once again for inviting me and being such a wonderful hostess, tour guide, dinner companion, and event manager during my stay. Tomorrow it’s back to L.A. and work, work and more work…and, oh hell, and jury duty on Tuesday. I forgot all about that.

Honolulu Part 5

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For some reason, I woke up today with a terrible allergy, so I drugged myself on Alavert and Advil, which left me feeling dehydrated and a little fuzzy-headed. But I figured that was better than going up in front of people with a waterfall of mucus spilling out of my nose, a skull-cracking headache, and watery eyes.

I had two library talks — one in the morning at McCully Library in downtown Honolulu and one at night at the brand new, very impressive library in Kapolei, an hour-and-a-half outside of the city in rush-hour traffic (as I sadly discovered).

Both talks were very well attended by incredibly attractive, amusing, and talented people who asked astonishingly smart questions  (as you may have guessed, I discovered that a surprising number of the attendees and librarians I met today are regular readers of this blog).  I even got asked about fanfic and self-publishing today and managed not to start foaming at the mouth when I replied. I stayed for two hours at McCully and at Kapolei until the building closed and the security guard began eyeing me menacingly.

Between the two events, I managed not to write a thing besides my name on a credit card receipt for a dim sum lunch in Chinatown. I’m giving up any hope that I am going to get work done here. I’ll just have to crack down on myself when I get back on Friday night…I can see a lot of LONG days ahead of me if I am going to make my deadlines on the MONK script and the MONK book.

UPDATE: For a detailed play-by-play on last night’s library talk,and a picture of me looking like a tourist in my aloha shirt, check out Lynn Raye Harris’ blog.

Honolulu Part 4

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Yesterday we spent our time on the North Shore — we spent a few hours watching the Monster Pipeline Pro surfing event on Sunset Beach (getting mightily sunburned in the process) then we went snorkeling up in Turtle Bay. 

My evening library talk was, as my host explained, "out in the country" in the tiny town of Wahiawa. The library was next door to The House of Hair and a strip joint. Only eight people showed up, but they were
bright, enthusiastic, and asked great questions about the craft of screenwriting and the business of television. Most of all, they
really really, really appreciated me being there, which made the
librarians very happy…and me, too.

I got lost on the way back to Waikiki. Even once you realize you are going on the wrong freeway in the wrong direction, good luck turning around.  The freeway system here is terrible and just because there’s an off-ramp on one side
doesn’t mean there’s an onramp on the other.

Today I have two library talks — one in town and the other in Kapolei.  I’m going to try to convince the family to let me go to the events alone so a) they don’t have to spend half the day in libraries and b) so maybe I can get a some writing done on this trip in the few hours of free time I have between talks. We’ll see. I’m feeling very anxious about how little writing I’m doing — but by the time I get home each night, I am totally exhausted and am in bed by about 9:30.

Honolulu Part 3

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Thank you, Tess Gerritsen. We got a $5.50 plate lunch at Kenneke’s (Shoku Chicken, two scoops rice, one scoop mac salad) and had a picnic at Waimanalo Beach, which was every bit as beautiful as she said it would be. We loved it. But I’m getting a little ahead of myself.

We started the day with fresh, hot malasadas at Leonard’s Bakery and headed for Hanauma Bay, where we spent hours snorkeling in the clear waters. We were struck by how incredibly fat the American tourists were and how thin everybody else was. Maybe it’s those malasada breakfasts. We left when all you could see in the water were other tourists.

We went for lunch at Kenneke’s in Waimanalo, home of the Fear God Power Lifting team and some darn good shave ice, too. The beach was spectacular but the park seems to draw equal numbers of tourists and homeless people, who camp in decaying cars or under make-shift tents erected amidst the pines that line the shore.

Afterwards, we schlepped back to Waikiki in terrible traffic…some caused by rush-hour congestion, the rest caused by morons (like the idiots tourists on mopeds, wearing shorts and t-shirt and no helmets, weaving in and out of traffic, steering with one hand while talking on a cell phone in the other). Once we got back to the hotel, I barely had five minutes to change before Cindy Chow picked me up and took me to the Pearl City Library, where once again I was greeted by a lively, friendly crowd and given yet another fragrant lei (I’ve been lei’d twice-a-day since I got here. Now that’s aloha).

Tomorrow we’re off to the North Shore and another library talk. I’ve also got to start writing something besides blog posts…or the next time I walk into an ABC Market it will be to pick up a job application.

Honolulu Part 2

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It was a bright, sunny, cloudless day. Before going to my signing at Barnes & Noble, we drove to Kahala Beach and took a long walk, ogling the amazing homes.  I didn’t sell a single book at my signing (it was Super Bowl Sunday after all), but they had plenty of my books on hand, the staff was great, and I had very pleasant conversations some (non-buying) customers.  I don’t mind that there wasn’t a turn-0ut — I’m sure the signed copies will be prominently displaced and I’m telling people at every library talk to go to the Barnes & Noble if they want to buy my books.

We were met at the store by librarian Cindy Chow, who showed up in black leather astride a purple motorcycle, ready to lead my family and I on a little sight-seeing tour before my talk at the Kaneohe Library.  We followed her in our rental car. She took us up to the Pali Lookout and then down to Kailua Town, where we had a shave ice and took another walk on the beach. 

Much to my surprise, we had a crowd waiting for us at the library when we walked in promptly at 3pm. There were people of all ages there and they asked lots of good questions. I ended up staying until the library closed to answer them all (I have a feeling those books at B&N won’t be there for long). Afterwards, Cindy took us to a nice restaurant overlooking the mountains.

Tomorrow, I don’t have a library signing until the evening, so we’re getting out of Waikiki and starting the day at Hanauma Bay for some snorkeling. Cindy will pick me up at the hotel at 4 pm to make our 6 pm library talk in Pearl City (apparently the traffic here is terrible). I wonder if I’m gonna have to ride on the back of her bike…