Lee Goldberg

Jetting to the Jet City

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SeattlespaceneedlerestaurantMy brother Tod and I are heading up to Seattle tomorrow. I’ll also be speaking about becoming a writer to the students at
Jackson High School in Mill Creek, where my Aunt Britt Barer teaches,
on Friday. That night, you can see Tod and I sitting court-side for the
Sonics game doing our best Jach Nicholson impersonations. On Saturday, Dec. 3, we’re doing some booksignings  — at noon at the Seattle Mystery Bookstore and at 3 p.m at the Barnes & Noble University Village.

Streaming Goldbergs

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Have you ever heard Sammy Davis Jr. sing the theme for HAWAII FIVE-O? Do you swoon when Chuck Norris sings "The Eyes of a Ranger?" Well, you’re in for a treat. You can revel in the vocal stylings of  Sammy and Chuck, among others,  as well as the wit and wisdom of the brothers Goldberg over at Pinky’s Paperhaus. You can stream the complete two hour interview and musical extravaganza or you can hear a 15-minute podcast version with all our really stupid comments and our worst musical selections edited out.

Screenwrite My Book

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I got this email today. I’ve edited out the title of his book to protect his identity:

Hello Lee!

Would you be available to screenwrite a book that I had
written and published in Australia.  Title: XYZ. This is a true story based on my work with
the Australian Federal Police, Computer Crime. I’ll be honest, I have
no idea what is involved, especially from script to production. 

He certainly doesn’t.  You have to wonder why people don’t even bother to do a minimal amount of research before sending out emails like this. They simply don’t want to invest the effort, as slight as it may be, and instead hope someone else will do it for them. 

"Screenwriting" a book, as you call it,  is a complicated process with many variables. No two paths to feature film adaptation are necessarily the same.

But for starters, let’s look at your email.

First, I would have done some research on the person I’m sending the email to. I would have started the note with something that reflects my knowledge and appreciation of his work and why I think that he, in particular, would respond to the book. 

Then I would have enthusiastically pitched the book as something exciting and packed with screen potential that the person might be interested in reading with an eye towards developing as a movie or TV show. 

You haven’t done any of that.

All you’ve given me is the title. You’ve made no attempt to actually spark my interest. You haven’t told me anything about your book, what makes it special, or even why I should want to read it. What’s the story? Who are the characters? Did the book get good reviews? Did it sell well? Why would I, an American TV producer, be interested in a book about Australian computer crime?  (I’m also not clear, from the way you worded your note, whether you  actually wrote the book or hired someone else to do it and whether the book was published or you paid to have it published yourself.  Were you the investigating officer, the victim, a consultant, or the criminal who was written about?)

The first  steps towards getting someone to adapt your book is to research who you want to approach and then do a much better job selling the book as something with theatrical potential.

Can You Introduce Me to a Showrunner?

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I got this email today:

I have a
friend who’s pitching a show to NBC and they want him to deliver a sitcom
writer/show runner.  Do you know of any looking for
shows?

The sitcom writers I know are interested in pitching shows of their own — besides, I would never pass along their names and contact information to a stranger.
 
I suspect the reason why NBC wants your friend to bring in a showrunner is
because they have no faith in him to deliver a series. The network needs someone
they can trust…and your friend doesn’t have the experience or skill yet.

Showrunners work hard to earn that trust — it takes years of work on sitcoms to get it. Naturally, writers who have reached that point in their careers are reluctant to let someone ride on their hard-earned coat-tails — unless it’s someone who
brings something worthwhile to the table like a star with an enormous following or
a successful stand-up comic with a development deal.

Most showrunners can get pitch meetings on their own. They don’t need your friend, or his series ideas, for that.

Sunday On The Road

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My 10-year-old daughter Madison wanted to hang out with her Dad today, so we both went down to Irvine for my talk with the Orange County chapter of Sisters-in-Crime. My brother Tod was there, too, and we talked about the craft and business of writing with the lovely ladies for two-and-half hours…and then Madison and I schlepped up to Hollywood in bumper-to-bumper traffic for the MONK season wrap party at the Lucky Strike bowling alley.

We chatted with showrunner/creator Andy Breckman, and producers Tom Scharpling, David Breckman and David Hoberman, as well as USA Network head honcho Jeff Wachtel. My old friends Terry Erdman and Paula Block, authors of the upcoming MONK COMPANION, were also there. Andy made Madison’s day by taking her picture with Tony Shalhoub and Traylor Howard (I’ll be sure to post the pictures when they arrive).

Madison says she learned a lot from our talk and that she had a great time at the party, so it looks like she may be tagging along with me more often… which is fine with me!

Trolling for Suckers

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I got this email today:

Dear Lee,
      My name is Tracey Rosengrave, Marketing Manager
for Xlibris Corporation, a Print-On-Demand Self-Publishing company. We are
sending you this email because we have either learned about your passion for
writing or we have had the pleasure of coming across some of your work…

I guess she’s never read my blog, where I indulge "my passion for writing" by criticizing print-on-demand self-publishing scams. Or maybe she’s read my books, and thinks I’m ready to make the switch from being paid by publishers to paying to be published. I don’t know. So I asked her.

Tracey,
 
What a nice surprise to hear from you. Where did you learn about my passion
for writing? Which of my books did you read? I’d love to know how you discovered
me (I’ve been waiting so long to be discovered) and why you think xlibris would
be the right publisher for me.
Lee

I’ll let you know how she replies…

Remembering Poppa Cy

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Last night, while looking for something on my computer, I stumbled across my notes for my grandfather’s eulogy. My Poppa Cy spent his life in the furniture business, retired to Palm Springs, and died about eight years ago. I still miss him. So, in his honor, here’s an excerpt from those eulogy notes:

My Poppa Cy was a character. I guess that’s a nice way of saying he had a strong personality.

He could be intimidating, generous, embarrassing, reassuring, terrifying, overpowering and hilarious… frequently all at once.  And if his strong personality didn’t knock you over, his taste in clothes certainly did.  I’d arrive at his house in Palm Springs  wearing  jeans and polo shirt, and he’d be standing there in his orange pants and purple shirt and red sweater, shaking his head in dismay at the way I was dressed.

“What’s the matter with
you?" He’d say. "Haven’t you ever heard of color?”

And I’d laugh. He always made me laugh.

When I was a student at UCLA, I would go and stay with him to study for
mid-terms and finals. I loved those weekends. He’d get me up at 8 a.m., chide me for sleeping in, we’d have a little breakfast, read the paper, he’d criticize the furniture store ads, and then I’d study for a few hours.

Then we’d have fun. Or he’d have fun, and I’d have fun watching him. Maybe I was more of a co-conspirator.

We’d go to a furniture store somewhere and pretend to be customers. Poppa Cy would tell some poor, unsuspecting salesman that he was interested in a sofa. The salesman would show us around the store, Poppa Cy would ask a few questions and basically behave like the cutomser from hell and then, when the guy least expected it, my grandfather would whip
out his Visa card like it was some kind of badge and say:

“I’m Cy Goldberg, United Furniture Company, I was in the furniture business for 55 years… let me tell you about all the mistakes you made trying to sell me a sofa." He’d then lead the poor guy back to all those sofas while I collapsed into laughter.

Or we’d go to a car dealership. Poppa Cy would say he was Harry Himmelfarb or Frank Kales or George Rosencranz and he was shopping for something sporty. He’d torture the salesman,
taking him to the brink of a sale, and then leave.

I think the only thing he
enjoyed more than teasing people was furniture…

Furniture was his world.
His love. His oxygen.

To him, furniture was not
something you sat on, slept on, and ate on… no, furniture was a state-of-mind,
a culture, a language, an art to be admired, studied, and deconstructed. And he
had a furniture analogy for everything – sex, acne, divorce, fast food, you
name it. Anything a human being experienced could be compared to a comfortable
recliner, a sturdy couch, an inexpensive lamp. One of my lasting regrets will
be that I never wrote one of those analogies down.

When he saw my first TV
show, he asked “So, where do they get all that furniture? They aren’t renting
it, are they?”

Whenever I wrote a book,
he badgered me to make the next one about the furniture business. That, he
said, was where the excitement is. And I’m not sure he was kidding.

Poppa Cy was a man who
never had any trouble expressing his opinions which, in an odd way, was how he
expressed his affection. He was not the kind of guy who gave hugs, or told you
that he loved you. I learned early on that teasing, chiding, needling….okay,
criticizing you… was his way of showing he cared about you. Not everyone saw it
that way… and he drove a lot of people out of his life because of it.

Not me.

I loved my Poppa Cy.  Thanks to him, I’m a stronger person. I’m not
afraid to fight for what I believe. And I will never, ever buy a white couch
again.

I know what Poppa Cy is
doing right now. He’s up there, shaking his head in dismay:

“What kind of phony deal
is this? You call those pearly gates? I know where you can get pearly gates. I
got this friend in Portland in the pearly gate business…"

Poppa Cy wouldn’t want us
mourning his passing, he’d want us to celebrate his life. So go out and buy a
recliner or a couple barstools. Preferrably in yellow.

How Do You Host a Signing For Someone Who Doesn’t Exist?

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I got this email today:

I have a question regarding your entry on authors changing names. Don’t
authors need to do tours and talks to publicize their books? I’ve heard that
much of a book’s success depends on the author’s own initiative to do
publicity. But if they’re using a pseudonym, isn’t this impossible? It would
only take one person to reveal him/her.

A good question…with lots of answers.

In many cases, the pseudonyms are an open secret (for instance, Jeremiah Healy makes no secret that he’s "Terry Devane" nor does Gar Haywood hide that he’s "Ray Shannon") and the authors go on the signing circuit anyway. The only ones who are "fooled" are the computers at the chain stores.

Other authors turn their pseudonym into a marketing tool, creating some mystery and buzz around the book. They require booksellers to drop shop books to a third party for signing so that the mystery of who they are remains intact. "Boston Teran" and "John Twelve Hawks" are recent examples, "Trevanian" is an older one. Stephen King, Nora Roberts, and Robert Ludlum also wrote books under other names as well as their own. So have pulp authors like Marvin H. Albert (aka Albert Conroy, Ian McAlister, Nick Quarry, Tony Rome, etc.) and  Harry Whittington (aka Whit Harrison, Blaine Stevens, Ashley Carter, etc.)

Others just avoid the signing/promotion circuit and hope for the best…which, of course, could work against them and undermine the chances of their new identity increasing their sales or, in the case of already famous authors, matching the success they enjoy as themselves.

Finally, there are writers who make their living as ghostwriters…writing books for celebrities, politicians, other authors, or house names (names created by the publisher so that several writers can contribute to a series of books without the readers ever knowing). Don Pendleton hasn’t written an EXECUTIONER/MACK BOLAN novel in decades.

James Reasoner, for example, has been writing westerns under other authors’ names and house names for years. Donald Bain writes the MURDER SHE WROTE books under his own name as well as a NY Times bestselling series under someone else’s name (a someone who widely promotes the books he or she doesn’t write). Reportedly,  Robert Tanenbaum doesn’t write his legal thrillers (Michael Gruber did for many years)…but that doesn’t stop him from going on booksigning tours anyway.

In short, there are lots of reasons for writing under other names and lots of ways to promote your books despite the illusion.

Indulging My Inner Old Coot

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Neil Diamond’s new 12 SONGS came out today — and it’s terrific, his best album since THE JAZZ SINGER. We always knew he still had at least one more great album left in him. We never lost faith. Not when he did the HEADING TO THE FUTURE video. Not when he sang about ET. Not even when he went country.  Way to go, Neil.

Live and in the Flesh

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My brother Tod and I will be signing our books and answering your questions about mystery writing, screenwriting, sex, horticulture, street paving, vanity presses, acne  and Lindsay Lohan’s nipples at:

Mysterious Galaxy in San Diego, Saturday Nov. 12 at 2 pm

and again at

Barnes & Noble in Santa Monica, Thursday, Nov. 17th at 7:30 pm.

We hope to see you there.

PS – That innocent mention of Lindsay Lohan’s nipples should bring me an extra 1000 hits by this time tomorrow. And those of you who came to this post because you were searching for Lindsay Lohan’s nipples should be ashamed of yourselves. What’s so special about Lindsay Lohan’s nipples anyway? Nipples are nipples. Are they any more nippular because they happen to be on Lindsay Lohan?