The Mail I Get

The Mail I Get – How Not To Solicit A Blurb Edition

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I often get asked to blurb books, and it's not unusual for me to get a request from a publisher or editor on behalf of an author I've never met or heard of before. But I have never had a request like this one, which came to me from Greenleaf Publishing through my agent (I have only edited out the name of the author, the title of her book, and a summary of the plot. The grammatical errors, missing apostrophes, etc. are from the original email): 

I’'m writing on behalf of our author X, who counts Lee Goldberg as an influential and inspirational author.  I would love the opportunity to include Lee's name along with a brief endorsement in X's upcoming book from Greenleaf Book Group, XYZ. […] Below are a few short endorsement suggestions for XYZ.  Of course, Lee can edit any of these as fit or write his own.  Attached is the book’s first two chapters to give you a better idea of X's story.  I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript if you’re interested in reading further. 

I thought it was very nice of her, before I'd even agreed to read the book, to already provide me with endorsements I could just slap my name on. Even better, she granted me the flexibility to edit them as I pleased or, if I really wanted to be daring, to actually come up with some of my own.

Naturally, I was anxious to see the personalized endorsements she'd created for me to lend my name to. I bet you are, too. Here they are:

Suggested endorsements:

X ropes you in from page one and doesn’t let go until the end.  A great read!

Anyone who enjoys fast paced, thrilling mysteries will love XYZ.  You simply won’t be able to put it down!

 Characters you connect with, a driven plot, and suspense make XYZ a book you won’t want to miss!

 From suspense to mystery to romance, X's debut has it all!

 XYZ will captivate you and not let you go until the very end.  It’s a thrilling debut.  I can’t wait for her next book!

Those sound like genuine, heartfelt endorsements to me, ones that truly reflect my unique experience of reading her book. Even if I haven't read it yet. And they are so fresh and creative, too! They also offered me an irresistable incentive.

If Lee provides a testimonial, we will send a signed copy of the finished book as soon as they are made available.

I can honestly say, in all my years in the publishing business, I have never had a publishing company approach me for a blurb and also supply a selection of them for me to choose from. Perhaps that's because Greenleaf isn't a publisher. It's basically a very,very pricey, high-end vanity press. Or, as they put it in their letter to my agent:

If you’re unfamiliar with our company, Greenleaf Book Group is a publisher and distributor best known for its innovative business model.  

Their innovative model is that you pay them buckets of money to publish your book, distribute your book, publicize your book and, apparently, send out really inept, sloppily-written appeals for blurbs. 

The Mail I Get

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I get lots of wonderful fan mail from MONK readers. But I also get ones like this:

Mr, Goldberg, thanks for this opportunity to contact you.  First, you have given me great pleasure over the years.  I have bought and read every Monk book, and also own the series.  Monk is one of my favorite characters, and I enjoyed all of your books until recently.

To make this brief,  I’m sorry, but “Mr. Monk is a Mess”  is simply a really lousy book, in my opinion.  I hardly know where to begin.

She then goes on, at great length, to tell me all the reasons why the book didn’t work for her on any level, concluding with:

I do thank you for all the great books and T. V. episodes you have given us, But if I can find my receipt, this book will go back, and I am going to watch episodes of Monk to get the bad “taste” out of my mind. I don’t know if you will bother to read this (the first time I’ve ever to an author). But if you do, thank you for the opportunity to air my opinion.

I’m so glad I could give her a chance to vent. But I responded politely:

Thanks for taking the time to share your opinion with me. This is the first email I’ve received from a reader that has expressed any disappointment with the book. Although you may not think the events in the story were true to the character, Andy Breckman, who created the characters and ran the tv series, heartily approved of everything in the book. I don’t do anything in the books without getting his consent first. So we’re going to have to agree to disagree on this point :-).  

I often wonder what kind of response a reader who sends an email like that expects from an author. Usually, I don’t bother to respond at all. But I was at Costco, waiting for my wife, when I browsed my email, so I had time to kill…
UPDATE: The fan responded to my note:

Lee, thanks for your friendly response. I appreciate knowing that Andy Breckman okayed everything (though I do disagree!) Keep writing!

The Mail I Get – Sell My Show Edition

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I get a lot of emails from complete strangers with TV series they want me to help them sell. This one is typical:

I am coming into Los Angeles on a trip. If you are free this week, I would like to buy you lunch. I have created a TV series I think you would like. All the scripts are written so all you have to do is sell it.

Is that all? Here's another:

I enjoyed reading your Successful Television Writing book. I have read everything on the subject and yours is superior. I am a writer from Vermont, new to Hollywood, with a fully written TV series in my back pocket. Is there any chance I could buy you lunch some time? XYZ and XYZ are my mentors, if you need references.

If he read my book, then he'd know this is not the way to get your series sold. Not only were the two people he used as references not friends of mine, I'd never heard of either one of them. Turns out one of the guys is among the six credited writers on a Big Tentpole Superhero Movie, the other is a guy who wrote Saturday morning cartoons in the 70s. As mentors go, though, they aren't doing a great job. The first thing they should have told him is not to hit up complete strangers to help you sell your series…and certainly not a guy who hasn't succeeded in getting a series of his own on the air. 

Here's another one, from a "an actor/writer who resides in the Bible belt of the USA":

For the past year I have been working on a series I want to pitch to network. I had an agent that was going to help me out. She asked a producer friend to read the short sizzle script. Producer said it was defiantly worth shopping around, next thing I knew that agent was closing her doors. She couldn’t handle the stress of the biz. Now after talking to a producer in LA that says it is worth shopping around as well. Told to expand it into an hour drama instead of the 30 min one, and get together a budget. […]I’m currently trying to find a more flexible job in the industry so I can pursue my acting/writing career and looking for a mentor to guide me. I look forward to hearing from you.

I have been in the TV business for over twenty years and I have no idea what a "short sizzle script" is. Maybe I need a mentor to guide me. And if she's already talked to "a producer in LA that says it is worth shopping around," why isn't she busy shopping the project with him instead of contacting strangers like me?

The Mail I Get – No Comment Edition

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I got this today. All I have omitted is her address:

Dear Lee!

My name is Inna. I am from Russia. I am very happy write the letter to you!! I am in love in you and your creative!You help me survive when i was in trouble. First I would like to thank you for enjoing you give by writing. Your books realy give relax and happy to readers!!!!You know the best crime book  i read  was called "Face of Evil". So unexpected final!  When i feel bad i think about the work and i fell good myself. It was very very exiting!!!But that would be beautiful to read in in your native language))) Thank you very-very-very much for my the happiest houres with your book!!!!!!  I just want to thank!!! I am a big fan of crime  books sinse i met yours!!! And  now study english for read your book in english!!!I have been studing english for year. I am trying read the book in  english  but only with a diccionary. Bur i have goal and i will do it!!!! I going to know english as a first language))))).Your creative made my life better. I think in the way more positively. By the way there is not much yours book in Russia:((((((i would love to read all your works!!! your creative inspire me very much!!! Thank you for all!!! You are wonderful writer!!! You have so nice name! I saw your photo. You are the most handsome man!!! I wish i live in your country. Then i could meet you and speak with you one day).You are sinshine for me. I respect you very much! When i feel i dont understand an english tense or rule i go to your blog and watch cover of yours works. And i feel how it inspire me!!! Well i believe i will speak fluently english one day)))I would like to ask you for autograph. If you can please send me signed paper please))))) I will be the happiest persone in the earth!!! Thank you for your time. It is very important to me you have read this letter)Please write more so interesting books!!! I would happy to give your work to my child one day. 

Have a nice day.

Best wishes.

Helth, love and happy!!!

my address is XYZ

The Mail I Get – How Not To Solicit A Blurb Edition

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I get a lot of strangers asking me to read and blurb their books. What astonishes me is how little effort they put into personalizing their message or making their books sound even the least bit interesting. Here are some examples:

I'm a big fan of your work and preparing to publish my debut novel.  XYZ is 88k words in the mystery/suspense genre and in PDF form now.  A blurb from you would mean the world to me.  If you're amenable, I'll forward the MS to you. 

Oh, well, since it's 88,000 words, I must read it! I love books that are 88,000 words, especially if they are in PDF format. 

I have written a new book XYZ that I am doing indie and need recommendations from famous authors and you are well known. You don't even have to read the book and you will benefit from my sales because readers of my book will then search out yours, so its a win-win. 

So I should blurb a book I haven't read to reap the benefits of the exposure I'll get from being associated with a self-published novel by someone no one has ever heard of.  That's a damn persuasive argument. How could I resist?

I am writing to invite you to review my book, XYZ, which I have just published on Amazon. I got your address from your “Top Reviewer” profile. Please let me know if you are interested.

I actually get a ton of emails like that one from aspiring authors…there must be a form somewhere on Amazon that they can fill out. I wonder how often it works in getting blurbs for them…

The Mail I Get

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I received this from an aspiring writer:

Sorry, but I just got taken at PublishAmerica because I was stupid and then I read your blog or whatever they call it. Would you please advise me how you got into publishing your books if not indie? Your publisher is Penguin and that's a high profile publisher but what about us little guys/girls who can't get their foot in the door. I wish you would mentor people because I have almost given up on being published, well I did have something in Playgirl about twelve years ago but that doesn't count because it was on a dare from a friend. My favorite Mr. Monk book is Mr. Monk in Outer Space if that helps grease the palm. Thank and have a great day. Carolyn

It's insanely easy now…so easy, that I have no sympathy for anyone who gets taken by obvious scams like PublishAmerica. 

You can get your book onto Amazon and the Kindle — worldwide! —and onto Barnes & Noble and the Nook for free. Yes, for free.  So besides your professionally copyedited manuscript, here is what you need:

1. A cover for your book. You can design one yourself, have a friend do it, or go to any number of talented cover designers out there.

2. Your book, in Word format, formatted into .prc and .epub formats (those are the files used by the Kindle and the Nook) and PDF (the file used for the trade paperbacks published for FREE by CreateSpace and Lulu). You should leave the formatting of your books to the experts or you'll regret it later.

3. Everything you need to know about uploading your books to Amazon you can find here. Everything you need to know about uploading your books to B&N you can find here 

4. Or you can skip steps 2&3 and go to www.Smashwords.com, which will do all of that for you in exchange for a percentage of your sales. I don't recommend that, however, since their automated formatting often makes your book look funky and ultimately that costs you sales. You will, however, need to use Smashwords to get onto the Kobo, Sony, and iPad ebook platforms…and for that, you will need a specially formatted Word file, from a professional formatter, that will cut down on the number of formatting errors Smashwords would otherwise create.

5. To create a trade paperback edition of your book, I would use CreateSpace,a print-on-demand service owned by Amazon. It will cost you nothing…CreateSpace takes their cut from each sale you make. If you let your cover artist and your formatter know that you also want to do a paperback edition, they can give you the special PDF files of the cover and the interior that you will need to upload to CreateSpace to do that.

The Mail I Get

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Whenever a new MONK book comes out, I get swamped with lots of mail from fans. Most of it is very kind and I love to get it. But I also get some like these:

i love your books and really want to read them, but my libary's stock of your books are out. any ideas? But if you want to be really nice, you would mail a hardcover copy of your latest book to:
XYZ 
Edison, NJ 08817 

Here's another:

Mr. Goldberg – I am a Monk fan and I love your books. However, you really go too far sometimes with his idiosyncracies. With the pestilence and world destruction when he sees a crack in the sidewalk type of thing. It's really far above and beyond his behavior on screen, and makes for a bad read. I usually have to skip over all those areas, and I find those silly discussions clutter the books and detract from the reading experience. Otherwise, the books are very entertaining. 

And another:

My mother loves your books and gets them from the library all the time. I told her I knew you so please send her a signed copy by March 1 because that is her birthday. Here is her address: XYZ Sign it with your full name and say something clever (You can come up with that on your own). I would like to meet you some day because you are so funny.

 

The Mail I Get

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I got this urgent email today. The subject heading was "Very Important Message.': 

Lee, I know you don't know me as well as I don't know you either and you can e-mail me here at this address : XYZ . I just want to ask you how soon can you e-mail me because I have something I really need to ask you and it's very important. It's your show of Diagnosis Murder : The Sins of the Father. What I'm asking you for is the whole summary plot of the second part of the show. Lee, I'm sorry I put this message in here first before I introduced myself, I'm sorry Lee I apologise. Hello, My name is Christopher XYZ and I'd really like to hear from you as soon as possible. I would like to hear back from you about this matter. Lee, Have a yourself a great and wonderful evening. And may God bless you and your whole family with his love and grants you with all of his peace ! Have all of yourselves a Blessed and joyful Christmas ! I look forward to hearing from really soon.

 

I'd left Diagnosis Murder before the "Sins of the Father" episode came along. But I immediately grasped the urgency of the situation and knew that I should probably drop everything I was doing, screen the episode, and write a detailed, minute-by-minute summary for Christopher as soon as humanly possible. Lives could be at stake.

Instead, being  lazy and irresponsible, I googled the episode, found a summary, and sent the guy the link, all in about two minutes. I spent another minute on this grave matter and found the entire episode on YouTube and sent him the link to that as well.

But this left me with a Very Important Message of my own for Christopher…

Have you ever heard of Google?

The Mail I Get

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Matt-on-Madeline-IslandMost of the time, I use this regular feature of my blog to make fun of people who send me really stupid emails or solicitations. Or I use it to answer a good question someone has about publishing or screenwriting. This time it's different. Apparently, I've inspired a very talented writer to hatch an insane scheme. Here's an email I got from author Matt Forbeck:

Just wanted to let you know how you helped inspire me to set off on an insane plan for next year called 12 for '12, in which I plan to write (and then self-publish) a novel a month for the entirety of 2012. I've been sitting on the fence about this for a while, but watching your progress toward self-publishing has been nudging me off.

It finally took the emergence of Kickstarter to shove me over. I set up a drive to help fund the first trilogy of books by taking pre-orders for them. It's going well so far, and I'm looking forward to one hell of a ride for the rest of the year.

Anyhow, thanks again for advocating for authors looking out for themselves and trying new things.

Clearly, Matt is crazy. But maybe it's a healthy insanity, if there is such a thing. I can't imagine writing 12 novels in 12 months by myself ( the Dead Man monthly series that I'm doing with Amazon's 47North imprint is being written with a dozen other writers). 

Matt has already raised over $6000 on Kickstarter, which is more than most publishers are offering as advances these days, so he maybe he is really on to something. And considering how prolific and versatile he is, if any writer can pull this off, it's him.

The Mail I Get

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The clueless desperation of some aspiring writers is absolutely cringe-inducing. Here's a recent example from my emailbox:

Hi…I know you are busy…but…would you at least read my bio with a very short paragraph from my novel and give me some suggestion on how to have an agent read something? Please…I am not asking you a lot…I've attached my bio, and if you are interested…please…would you give it to your agent for me? Thank you for taking the time to read.

I politely declined to read her bio or the sample from her book. She didn't take the hint. A short time later she wrote back to me:

Hi Lee, I apologize for bothering you again.. I remember you told me that you didn't want to read my book…but I was wondering if you could give it to your agent to read… It's really important, my true story and I really believe it's a very good one…have a look at my blog at least to be sure I'm good…would you do that?

No, I told her, I would not.

What makes people think that I routinely forward work by strangers to my agent? I don't want my agent spending his time reading work by strangers. I want him out there finding work for me!  

That's not to say I haven't referred writers to my agent. I have. But they have always been good friends or students of mine that I know well and who I can vouch for as writers and as great human beings.  I have never referred strangers to my agent and never will. So don't ask.