My Blog

Star Trek Rebooted

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What would STAR TREK be like if J. Michael Straczynski (BABYLON 5) and Bryce Zabel (DARK SKIES, MANTIS) got their hands on the franchise? My friend Bryce has posted on his blog an unsolicited STAR TREK treatment that he and Joe wrote back in 2004. You can read it here. The two of them were developing a pilot together and, in the process, started talking about everything that’s wrong with STAR TREK:

Admittedly, it takes a lot of nerve to offer to resurrect the "Star Trek" franchise when nobody has asked you to do that, but that’s just what prolific writer/producer J. Michael Straczynski and I did […] we started talking about the state of the Trek universe and, before we could stop ourselves, we’d banged out a 14-page treatment called "Star Trek: Re-Boot the Universe."

[…] I  have no real clue why we felt compelled to write what we wrote but, looking back, I think it’s because we had all these ideas and being writers we just felt compelled to write them down. Then, once that happened, we felt compelled to share them. Like buying lottery tickets, I guess.

It strikes me as a very fan-ish and geeky thing to do, especially considering the incredible success Paramount has had milking the franchise in movies, television, and publishing (and that STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE, the fourth STAR TREK series, was still on-the-air at the time).  It’s not like they were talking about a dormant property like, say, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. Then again, Bryce and Joe certainly had the credits, experience, and talent to make their pitch merit at least cursory consideration by the Paramount brass. But Bryce doesn’t say whether they submitted their proposal to Paramount or not and, if  they did, what the studio’s reaction to it was. I’d actually be just as curious to know what their agents’ reactions were to the unsolicited proposal…

Remainders

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Author Joe Konrath shares the dreaded "remaindered" letter that he received from his publisher for WHISKEY SOUR. Inevitably, every author gets one of these  letters. You’re given an opportunity to buy copies of your own book for a buck or two before its sold in bulk to close-out stores (like Book Warehouse, Book Market, Foogles, etc.) or the bargain bin at Barnes & Noble. I always agonize over how many copies of my own book I should buy for promotional purposes. I’ve erred by buying way too many (what the hell am I going to do with 600 copies of BEYOND THE BEYOND? What was I thinking?) and way too few. I’ve yet to strike the right balance. Though being remaindered has never driven me to the plight of the author in my  Amazon short story   "Remaindered"  (how’s that for product placement?).

Gimme Gimme Gimme

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I’m a TV writer/producer and a novelist. I don’t buy scripts, finance movies, publish books, or take on apprentices. And I’m not a celebrity.

Even so, every day I get emails from strangers asking me to buy their scripts, read their scripts, plug their blogs, blurb their books, or take them on as apprentices. I still don’t understand why. But the vast majority of those appeals are so badly presented, I can’t imagine that any of them  could ever work. Here’s a sampling of some I’ve received this week, the names  have been changed to protect the guilty.

I think this woman wants me to take her on as some kind of apprentice…or buy her life story…or just pay attention to her. I’m not sure:

I’m a 36 year old
black woman who has always desired to write for a living.  Thus my blog at XYZ.  Please don’t think I’m some rags to riches story in the
making as I’m not.  The closest I’ve ever been to the ghetto was driving
past fast on my way to visit some unfortunate relative.  LOL!  I am
FABULOUS.  just FABULOUS as you’ll soon find out. I have a gazillion
ideas and a gazillion/gamillion stories.[…]

Please visit my site and take me on as someone to mentor.  You could be the man who
discovered the next Shonda Rhimes. Come on…take a chance.  I’m EXACTLY
the sort of story Oprah would EAT UP!

Another complete stranger wants me to call him or give him my phone number using this come on:

I’m the publisher of XYZ.com, which is regularly ranked in the Top 5% off all sites on the web and cited by international, national and regional media. Is there a number I might reach you at or can you please call me at XXXXX when you have a moment?

Why would I want to do that? When I asked him what he wanted to talk about, he replied:

A forthcoming online project I’m working on.

Uh-huh. Needless to say, I haven’t called. Another person wants me to read his script:

Please take a look at XYZ.  We are now being read by the Hallmark Channel, Noah Wiley, Erique LaSalle and John Schneider and Albert Brooks’ manager. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Why would I want to read the script? What’s the point? And if all those stars are reading the script, what the heck do you need me for anyway (though, in point of fact, the stars aren’t reading the script, their "reader" is reading the script). 

A self-published author wants me to blurb his book:

My first novel is now on sale.  Please see: XYZ.com.  I’m writing to request a blurb and any other help you believe is appropriate for its promotion.  I’ve receive several blurbs, including one from XYZ, that I will put on a poster to boost local
attention.

Who could resist a note like that? Not only will I blurb it,  I’m going to give him the  deed to my house.

What’s My Motivation?

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Sex worker-turned-neophyte porn filmmaker Audacia Ray is learning that characters are, like, maybe a good thing to have in a movie.

So the movie I’m making has a plot. In theory, I dig porno with a
plot, but in practice I typically fast forward through that shit
because seriously, I’m here for the fucking. So I’m attempting this
delicate thing, where I want there to be just enough plot so that the
viewer knows why these people are fucking each other, but not so much
that it’s like, “dude, shut up and bone already.”

In one of my early casting sessions, I interviewed a dude who also
has an off-off Broadway acting career, and he asked me a question I
hadn’t thought about in any great detail: “What’s my character’s
motivation?” It was pretty obvious that this had never occurred to me
before, and I stammered, “Uhhh, he wants to do it?” in reply. I don’t
think he was impressed.

[…] I saw how more developed characters could be a good thing and could
give the movie an interesting texture. So as I’m sitting down to write
my script, it’s something I’ll be thinking about an awful lot. Who are
these people, and what drives them?

What a great idea: thinking about characters "an awful lot" as you write a script for a movie.  She may be on to something.

Giddy Up

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Legendary western writer Richard S. Wheeler pointed me to a great interview at the American Enterprise with Elmer Kelton, justifiably proclaimed by the Western Writers of America as one of the best western writers of all time.

Saturating Kelton’s work is his love of West Texas. Kelton is no
flowery panegyrist of the tumbleweed; growing up amongst men who regard
poetical expression as effeminate will stifle one’s urge to write odes
to cacti. But he loves his land just the same. As he writes in The Day the Cowboys Quit,
"Some people would never understand the hold this land could take on a
man if he stayed rooted long enough in one spot to develop a communion
with the grass-blanketed earth, to begin to feel and fall in with the
rhythms of the changing seasons. There was a pulse in this land, like
the pulse in a man, though most people never paused long enough to
sense it."

Buck Kelton, Elmer’s father, "never was totally convinced that I was
making an honest living because there wasn’t a whole lot of sweat
involved. That’s how he measured work–by whether you sweated or not."

Writing 45 novels extracts its own measure of sweat. So, for that matter, does tracking down The Time It Never Rained. "The Western shelf is in the back of the store," says Kelton. "You gotta hunt for it."

Hunt for it. You’ll be glad you did. Elmer Kelton is a great American novelist–no "Western" modifier necessary.

All-Time Showkillers

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The clever, data-cruncking folks over at Trivial TV have perused their TV Guides and compiled a list of the actors who have killed the most shows in their careers. Names include Paula Marshall (7), Jon Tenny (7), Hector Elizondo (7),  and Joe Morton (8) among others. Joe’s list, for example, includes:

  • ”Grady ” (NBC, 1975; 9 eps aired)
  • ”Equal Justice” (ABC, 1990; 26)
  • ”Tribeca” (Fox, 1993; 7)
  • ”Under One Roof” (CBS, 1995; 6)
  • ”New York News” (CBS, 1995; 8)
  • ”Prince Street” (NBC, 1997; 2)
  • ”Mercy Point” (UPN, 1998; 7)
  • ”E-Ring” (NBC, 2005; 14)

Have Gun, Will Shoot Myself

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Variety reports that Eminem is planning to star in a big-screen, "contemporary" version of the classic western HAVE GUN, WILL TRAVEL, which starred Richard Boone as Paladin, a roaming gunfighter-for-hire.

Concept
will be updated to contemporary times and see Eminem playing a bounty
hunter. Setting could be Eminem’s hometown of Detroit, but those
details have yet to be worked out.

[Eminem’s manager Paul] Rosenberg told Daily Variety
that the vehicle will be revamped from the original, with some
characters based loosely on ones from the series as well as nods to
certain story points.

Oh. My. God. This might be even worse than Rutger Hauer’s "contemporary" version of   WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE. I can’t wait to see the Dixie Chicks in a "contemporary" version of BONANZA.

TV Ramblings

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God,I love "Deadwood." I liked the season premiere so much, I
immediately watched it again (or I was desperate to avoid getting back
to work on my book). If you ask me, "Deadwood" and "Battlestar
Galactica" …two revisionist "genre" shows…are the best dramas on TV
right now. A close third would be the more conventional but brilliantly
plotted "Law and Order: SVU."

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I ran out of steam writing last night around midnight, but I was still too keyed up to go to bed. So I pulled out the second volume, season one boxed set of THE TIME TUNNEL and looked at a few of the extras. I’m not a fan of THE TIME TUNNEL and probably won’t watch the episodes. I bought the set for the two unsold revival pilots that are included — the unaired, 2002 hour-long THE TIME TUNNEL "reimagining" for Fox (which was flawed but interesting nonetheless) and the 1976 two-hour movie TIME TRAVELERS (which was awful in every way).  The story for TIME TRAVELERS was written by Rod Serling, but I can’t imagine that any of his work remained in the execrable final product. There wasn’t hint of his intelligence, wit or characterization in the script.

THE TIME TUNNEL has a couple of nice extras but no effort is made to present them in any sort of context or with any kind of flair. The whole set feels perfunctory, slapped together with no imagination, creativity or enthusiasm. Which is, of course, the complete opposite of the DVD sets put together by Paul Brownfield.

It Never Entered My Mind

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Paramount has reversed course and the season one DIAGNOSIS MURDER boxed set, to be released in September, will now include "It Never Entered My Mind," the pilot which aired as an spin-off episode of JAKE AND THE FATMAN. In the pilot, Dr. Mark Sloan was a widower without any children. His investigative sidekicks were Kristoff St. John  and Ally Walker (as Dr. Amanda Bentley, a role later played by Cynthia Gibb and Victoria Rowell). But it still looks like the set won’t include the TV movies that preceded the weekly series.

Mr. Monk and Mr. Bill

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Bill Crider made my day by praising my book MR. MONK GOES TO THE FIREHOUSE on his blog:

A lot of the book’s humor arises from Monk’s attempts to adjust to living away from his own environment, and
the whole plot is generated because Natalie’s young daughter is upset by the death of a firehouse dog. Monk declares he’ll find the killer, and the book is off to the races. I had a lot of fun reading this, and
if you’re in the mood for a couple of hours of pure entertainment, you probably would, too.

Thanks, Bill!