My Blog

Law & Goyim

by

My friend author Rochelle Krich is steaming mad over a LAW AND ORDER episode a couple weeks back that portayed orthodox Jews in a less than flattering light.

We have an Orthodox Jewish rabbi dispensing unOrthodox theology and upholding the fiction behind the family chumash.

We have Eric, a greedy Jew who engineers the desecration of a Jewish book that results in someone’s death.

We have Barry, an Orthodox Jewish killer, all-around
louse, and frequenter of lap dancers who recants his testimony against
Eric when he learns the chumash isn’t "the one."

My father lied to me, he says. It’s all a lie.

"It"?

Greed, brazen immorality, hypocrisy, lies.

According to Law & Order, that’s Orthodox Judaism.

I saw the episode and it didn’t offend my Jewish sensibilities, mainly because I’m a bad Jew and LAW AND ORDER portrays everybody as immortal, hypocritical, and dishonest. It’s a murder mystery and every character is a suspect. For that to be possible, everyone has to have a motive. It isn’t the job of the writers to portray every racial, political, economic, cultural and religious group in a positive and accurate light — in fact, they do the opposite and on a weekly basis. They didn’t single out Orthodox Jews — if they had, then perhaps I would share my friend Rochelle’s anger.

The Single Greatest Idea for a TV Series EVER!

by

I got this email from Dan yesterday:

Lee, I just came across your blog.  I know you are a busy person so I will keep
this short and sweet…

IDEA: GOOGLE GAMESHOW (I own this
domain)

1. Perhpas it wouldn’t be with google, but google is so hot, you
would think they would be interested in this
2. Essentially, this idea would
be an interactive tv gameshow/reality gameshow
3. People can play along
online for prizes
4. We would add a reality portion to this game show with
contests extending weeks at a time

(I would hope to create a little
craze like Millionaire/Reality TV Shows…even though they are on the down
slide)

These points don’t explain much…but from what you heard, does
this sound intriguing?

That is a brilliant idea for a show, Dan.  So innovative, fresh and unique. It’s got incredible potential.  It’s even better than my great TV show idea:

IDEA: MURDER COPS  (I registered the idea with the WGA).

1) It’s about two homicide detectives who are very different from each other.  (This could be in any city…though NY and Las Vegas are getting kind of overdone).
2) They solve really puzzling murders ala CSI and BLUE’S CLUES.
3) The stories are very twisty and clever.
4) It’s shot in a cool and innovative way with lots of style.
4) I see a big TV star like David Duchovny in one of the parts, maybe Beyonce, too.

(I would hope to turn it into a successful franchise like CSI or LAW & ORDER…even though there are, like, three each of those shows already).

Dan goes on to ask:

Any quick ideas on how a treatment should be written for a show like this?

Yes, Dan, I have a few. In general, it’s nice to actually have a series concept in mind before writing a treatment. Unfortunately, you don’t have a concept. You barely even have an idea.  You’d like to do a game show that people at home can play along with and that is tied in some way to Google. Come to think of it, that’s not even substantial enough to qualify as a notion.

Secondly, you may own the domain "Google Gameshow," but I suspect you don’t own Google. It’s not wise to try and sell an idea that’s based on an underlying property or trademark you don’t actually own.

Third, you obviously have no experience as a TV writer or producer,  so I doubt anyone would be interested in seriously considering your idea.

Fourth, why are you asking me about a gameshow treatment? I have never written or produced a gameshow. How would I know the answer to your question?

Fifth, if  you have an idea for a TV show, it’s probably not wise to email other writers about it, especially those with blogs who regularly ridicule complete strangers who email them their ideas for TV shows.

Walking Tall

by

Svenson
The long wait is finally over. The 1981 TV version of WALKING TALL is coming to DVD in a boxed set that includes all seven episodes of the show,  which starred Bo Svenson as Sheriff Buford Pusser, a role originated on screen by Joe Don Baker. Svenson starred in the two theatrical sequels (Brian Dennehy starred in an earlier, unsold pilot for the series).  This just goes to prove they’ll put any TV series on DVD — unless I wrote and produced it.

Lord of the Yawns

by

Even for free, Peter Jackson’s KING KONG isn’t worth the admission price.

Jackson could easily cut an hour-and-a-half from this movie — and, in doing so, perform a service for all of mankind. But I suspect that even at half the running time,  KING KONG would still be an insanely dull and pointless remake (seven hours into the movie, my daughter leaned over to me and asked "Are we there yet?").

The special effects are amazing, I will give Jackson that, but no amount of CGI wizardry can make up for the failings of the story, dialogue and characters.  All the actors, particularly Jack Black, seem completely lost, unsure what they are supposed to be playing. But you can’t really blame the actors. You have to blame the writer/director. The characters aren’t nearly as fleshed out,   interesting, or believable as the CGI monsters. At least you understand why the dinosaurs and insects are doing what they’re doing. During the ordeal, I  also wondered about my own motivation — what the hell was I still doing in the theater? But against all my better judgment, and the pleading of my loved ones, I stayed. I endured.

The movie isn’t even good enough to wow a ten-year-old.  I know,  because my ten-year-old told me so. 

"Spongebob Squarepants is a lot more fun," she said as we finally fled the theater, "and shorter, too."

How Dense Can a Person Be?

by

Anybody who reads this blog knows I’m not a supporter of "fanfic," that I think it violates the legal and artistic rights of authors, and that I take every opportunity to point out how inane and offensive most of it is.  So you can imagine my amusement when I got this  email today:

Hey Mr. Goldberg–
I know this is going to seem really random but there is no
way around it. You made a post a while ago about a fanfic writer
named ‘cousinjean’. I don’t really care about the whole situation
surrounding her asking for money, more I was wondering if you knew any way to
get in contact with her. I don’t want to harass her, I just wanted to know
if she still had a site up with her work on it because some of it I
never got to finish reading and the link doesn’t seem to work any longer.

This request is really bizarre. It’s sort of like asking a Jew to direct you to some really rocking anti-Semitic screeds. Yeah, sure, Trish, I’ll be glad to.

A Christmas Present from the Chicago Tribune

by

Yesterday,  Santa left a nice review for MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE from the Chicago Tribune under my tree:

Lee Goldberg, who novelized the Dick Van Dyke character in TV’s "Diagnosis Murder" series into an interesting human being, now bravely marches into territory already staked out by some fierce competition–Donald Westlake, Lawrence Block, the early Harlan Coben–and comes out virtually unscathed in what appears to be the start of a series about an overeducated and oversexed Southern California security guard named Harvey Mapes.

Hired by one of the residents of the gated community where he works to follow the man’s wife, Mapes rises to the occasion–often. He also finds himself in deeper and darker water than the community’s oversize pool offers.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah

by

It sure is convenient for us families of mixed religions when the holidays fall on the same day.  Our family got together a few days ago in La Quinta for an early holiday (for various logistical reasons) at my Mom’s house. But this morning it was just me, my wife Valerie, and my daughter Madison opening presents under the "Holiday" tree.

We got Maddie a kick-ass digital camera that makes ours look like a shoebox camera (and is about 1/4 the size and a 1/4 as expensive), the pair of Ugg boots she’s been wanting, and some DVDs and books that were on her list. She got us some chocolate bars, some home-made artwork, and a pack of one-of-a-kind gift certificates good for things like reading me a story, making diner, a week of doing dishes, and a night of "peace and quiet."

I hope your holiday was a nice as ours. I wish you, and your family, the very best in the new year.

Bad Sex

by

The Guardian posts the short-list for the worst literary sex scenes of the year. Here’s an excerpt from FAN-TAN by Marlon Brando and Donald Cammell:

In a moment Annie was
on his side, Madame Lai was like a plant growing over him, and her
little fist (holding the biggest black pearl) was up his asshole
planting the pearl in the most appreciated place.
"Oh, Lord," he cried out. "I’m a-comin’!"

She could not answer. It is the one drawback of fellatio as conscientious
as hers that it eliminates the chance for small talk and poetry alike.
But nothing is exactly perfect in this life, and for Annie Doultry the
delicate but firm pressure on his rear parts was in perfect harmony
with the eruption of his cock. He came and he came – we are dealing
with a hero here. At one point his lover backed away to inspect the
unaltered gush of it, like a plumber saying to a customer, "Don’t blame
me. This water supply will stop when the dam’s empty."

Here’s an excerpt from BLINDING LIGHT by Paul Theroux:

She pushed him backward
onto the seat and pressed her face down, lapping his cock into her
mouth, curling her tongue around it, and the suddenness of it, the
snaking of her tongue, the pressure of her lips, the hot grip of her
mouth, triggered his orgasm, which was not juice at all but a demon eel
thrashing in his loins and swimming swiftly up his cock, one whole
creature of live slime fighting the stiffness as it rose and bulged at
the tip and darted into her mouth.

Here’s an excerpt from VILLAGES by John Updike:

A flock of crows, six or
eight, raucously rasping at one another, thrashed into the top of an
oak on the edge of the square of sky. The heavenly invasion made his
heart race; he looked down at his prick, silently begging it not to be
distracted; his mind fought skidding into crows and woods, babies and
Phyllis, and his prick stared back at him with its one eye clouded by a
single drop of pure seminal yearning. He felt suspended at the top of
an arc. Faye leaned back on the blanket, arranging her legs in an M of
receptivity, and he knelt between them like the most abject and craven
supplicant who ever exposed his bare ass to the eagle eyes of a bunch
of crows.

Speculating

by

I’ve been a television writer for about 20 years now.  In that time, I haven’t written many scripts on spec.  Bill Rabkin and I wrote a spec episode of  "Spenser: For Hire" as a writing sample to get our first TV job (on "Spenser For Hire," oddly enough).  Since then, we’ve written a spec pilot and a couple of spec features, all of which went nowhere… so we never had much incentive to do more non-paying work.

But a few years back, I wrote a spec script on my own based on my then-unpublished novel THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE. I did it more out of frustration with the book biz than anything else. The script didn’t sell (at least not yet) but it led to a very lucrative gig writing the so-far-unproduced Dame Edna movie, so it paid off for me. Even so, the big payday didn’t motivate me to spec something else. I’ve stayed away from writing spec scripts, using whatever free time I have to write my books…maybe because it’s paying contract work as opposed to speculation.

But lately I’ve begun to rethink that strategy, especially since scripts are potentially a lot more lucrative than books (so is working at Burger King, but that’s another topic). Bill and I have a spec pilot we’re going to start writing after the holidays and I’ve begun re-reading some of my novels  with an eye towards reworking them as spec features.

I recently adapted my book  MY GUN HAS BULLETS into a script. I had a lot of fun doing it and was surprised how easily it lent itself to the screenplay format.  Of course I had to change a lot of things and streamline the plot, but I think it worked. Well, at least I hope it did. I’ve e-mailed the script to a couple of trusted friends in the biz who haven’t read the book to get their opinions.  Meanwhile,  I’ve started adapting THE WALK into a screenplay.  This one isn’t going as smoothly as MY GUN HAS BULLETS did, but I figure the exercise can’t hurt.

I don’t know why I’ve always been more comfortable writing books on spec than scripts. I guess I feel like scripts are something somebody should be paying me to write (as opposed to books, which you hardly get paid for even when you sell them). That makes no sense, of course.  I blame that twisted thinking on all my years working in episodic television, where you get paid for every script you write and there’s very little spec work that ever sells. But the attitude towards specs in TV is changing now in the wake of the success Marc Cherry had with his spec DESEPERATE HOUSEWIVES pilot.  NBC recently went public asking for spec pilots, though I don’t know if they actually picked up any of them.

I guess I just need to get into the spec frame of mind. I’m not quite there yet, because I’m sort of  cheating by adapting my books instead of coming up with original film ideas.  But I suppose baby steps still count as steps…