My Blog

The Lying Scum

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Reading about Harley Jane Kozak’s TV meeting misadventures, I was reminded of a meeting Bill and I had many years ago with a Major TV Producer. We went in to pitch a series adaptation of a property he owned. We did our pitch and loved it. Said it was perfect, brilliant, incredible. Did we have any other ideas? We did. We pitched them. He nearly had an orgasm listening to them. He liked the ideas so much, that he wanted them all. He couldn’t wait to work with us and told us we’d found a home.

We called our agent immediately afterwards, still high on the thrill of such stunning success, and told him to  expect a call within seconds from the Major TV Producer to make a deal.  The guy didn’t call.  When our agent called him  and asked how meeting went, the Major TV Producer said "Eh, they didn’t really wow me."

The experience taught me to never believe anything that’s said in a pitch meeting. More than once I’ve been fooled by enthusiasm and big promises (or have totally misread what appears to be utter lack of interest and open hostility). So now, I try not to get excited or dispirited until I hear from my agent whether we’re negotiating a deal or not.

The Major TV Producer later became a Major Network Chief and, years later, called us in to meet with him and his executive team about rescuing a troubled series they had. I was hesitant about meeting him again, but we did it anyway. We went in and, after telling us he’d been fans of ours for years,  he asked us was what we thought was wrong with the show. We told him what wasn’t working and what we thought  should be done to fix it.  And he said: "That’s exactly what I told the showrunner before I shut down his show and took it away from him. But somehow, hearing it from you, I don’t like it."

Needless to say, we didn’t get the job.  He’s back to being a Major TV Producer again and sometimes I wonder if its possible to be a nice guy and still survive in this business…or whether the key to success is being a lying scum.

Harley’s Adventures in TV Land

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My friend author Harley Jane Kozak shares more of her adventures in Hollywood  pitching her book DATING DEAD MEN as a TV series.

All the meetings go really well. While they’re happening. Then a
secondary reality sets in, wherein "I’d love to work with you” turns
out to mean, “I’d love to work with you, contingent upon a bunch of
other things, some of which will occur to me three days from now, after
I’ve talked to some other people.”

…conversations ensue, with Wendy, the producers, the producers’
people, our people, our people’s colleagues, Wendy’s husband, various
assistants, Other Producers Whom the Networks Love Who Might Be Right
For This Project. Our agent announces that Person X, who was so
fabulous yesterday afternoon is no longer desirable today, because of
something having to do with UPN. Or not. (The exception in all this is
Old Boyfriend who sends straightforward and unambiguous e-mails
directly to me. But he’s considered eccentric.)

I think I’m following it all until someone—e.g., my literary agent
from New York, where they speak English—says, “how’s it going?” and I
find I have no idea how it’s going or even what “it” is.

…and people ask me why I write books. I have to do something to stay sane while I work in the TV business.

Dyke Van Dyke

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I got this email today from Bradley. I’ve omitted his last name and the title of his show to protect him from  embarrassment. All the typos and errors are his:

Mr. Goldberg,

I’m an independent film producer in Texas. I recently came across your website through the IMDB. I am writing you to tell you about a television that am working on called "XYZ". The pilot episode is currently in early stages of pre-production, and after seeing other projects that you have worked on in the past, I would be very interested in talking to you about working on this show in some capacity, whether it be as a freelance writer, script consultant, or co-producer.

Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time, and even when creating the television version of the show, one of the reoccurring characters was written specifically for him. I’m not saying we
could get him to play the part, although he would be my first choice.

Let me jump in here. I’m writing to tell you about a television that am working on. Is Bradley repairing a television set or building one from scratch? Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time. I’m not familiar with Dyke Van Dyke, but I’m going to watch the next episode of THE L WORD and catch up with some of his/her work.

Okay, back to that letter.  It rambles on with details about the show he’s producing. He wraps things up with:

I the financing to produce the pilot in place, and I would really love to talk to you further about working with me on this show.

Did you ever actually work with Dick VanDyke? Were you ever on the set of the show, or
did you just work on a freelance basis? Do you know a good casting director that would have a way of presenting my offer to Mr. VanDyke?

If you are interested please let me know and I will send you the pilot script as a
PDF file this evening. I truly thing you will like it!

I the financing to produce the pilot in place… I truly thing you will like it. Bradley ought to get the financing in place to take a basic English course.  I the feeling he really needs it, don’t you thing?

What’s really bizarre about this email is that Bradley would like me to work on his show in just about any capacity I want but, as it turns out, he actually has no idea who I am or what I’ve done.

If he’d taken five minutes to browse my credits or visit my website, he’d know I was an executive producer of DIAGNOSIS MURDER and that yes, I’ve probably met Dick Van Dyke once or twice. (Or was he talking about  Dyke Van Dyke? I don’t think Bradley really wants to give Dyke Van Dyke a job on his pilot…since it’s a show about Christians exploring their faith as opposed to, say, butch lesbians exploring their inner manhood).

Bradley, if you’re reading this post, I’ve got some advice for you.  If you are going to send a professional a job offer/query it’s usually a good idea to:

a) Know something about the person you are writing to like, for instance, who they are and what they’ve done.
b) Don’t ask them stupid questions that reveal that you haven’t bothered to find out who they are and what they’ve done.
c) Don’t offer anyone a job unless you know who they are and what they’ve done.
d) When writing to a professional, it’s a good idea to spell check your letter/email so you don’t make a complete fool of yourself.

Thanks for the tempting offer, Bradley, but I think I’ll pass.

Why Waste Time Plotting…

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…when there is Plot-0-Matic? I’ve seen dozens of movies that must have been written with this. Here’s the plot the software generated for me.

Broken
Badges by Lee
Goldberg Action: A renegade cop teams up with the
straightest cop on four continents to investigate dirty cops on the take. In the
process they rescue Parker Posey. By the end of the movie they hijack 5 planes
and end up winning the admiration of their department, living happily ever
after. Think Die Hard meets Goldfinger.

I’m going to start pitching it on Monday.  (Thanks to my Uncle Burl for the heads-up)

 

If I Call My House a ‘Residential Erotic Writing Workshop’ Can I Write Off My Mortgage Payments?

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I got this spam email over the weekend:

Critically acclaimed author and anthologist Mitzi Szereto will be conducting a residential erotic writing workshop at
the world-renown Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California in January 2006. Mitzi
is credited with putting the erotic writing workshop on the map in the UK and
Europe, and has conducted them in locations from England’s Lake District to the
Greek islands.

I like to think of my house as a residential erotic writing workshop but my wife doesn’t always agree.

If This Is An Example of How He Writes Press Releases, I think I’ll Pass

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I got this spam email today from a PR firm. Here’s how it began:

Dear Mr. Golgberg:

I would like to make you aware of my public relations company as I
feel I could be a perfect fit for helping you promote and publicize your company
as well as your books.  My clients have been featured in publications numbering
Parade Magazine, People, Entertainment Weekly, Time, Forbes, Wall Street
Journal, Newsweek, and USA Today; as well as television shows such as Oprah,
Good Morning America, C-SPAN, CNN, CNBC, etc.

A real grabber, isn’t it? Now imagine what he writes for his clients.  (That’s aside from how he  messed up my name and offered to publicize a company that I don’t have).

This and That

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I’ve been busy with odds and ends the last couple of days — going to the doctor, attending HOA meetings, doing booksignings, working on content for the IAMTW website, and plotting the next DIAGNOSIS MURDER novel, which I should already be writing.

Today, my brother Tod and I were guests at Pinky’s Paperhaus, where we talked about our new books SIMPLIFY and THE MAN WITH IRON-ON BADGE and played some music that influenced our writing, all for a podcast that will go live in October. We also teamed up for a clumsy duet of  "The Ballad of Irving" (from  the 60s comedy album "When You’re in Love, the Whole World is Jewish.")  Until you can hear our immortal rendition, here are the lyrics:

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