I am going to be RICH!

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I got this email today:

Dear Goldberg

My name is Charles Kobenan a Banker and
accountant with BIAO BANK Abidjan.I am the personal accounts manager to
Engr Lake Goldberg a National of your country, who used to work with an
oil servicing company here in Cote Ivoire.

My client, his wife,
and their three children were involved in the ill fated Kenya Airways
crash in the coasts of Abidjan in January 2000 in which all passengers
on board died. Since then I have made several inquiries to your embassy
to locate any of my clients extended relatives but thas been
unsuccessful.After several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace
his last name over the internet,to see if I could locate any member of
his family hence I contacted you.

Of particular interest is
this huge deposit with our bank here in,where the deceased has an
account valued at about ($16 million US dollars).They have issued me a
notice to pro vide the next of kin or the bank will declare the account
unservisable and thereby send the funds to the bank treasury.Since I
have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over last 6years
now, I will seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the
deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of
this account valued at ($16million US dollars) can be paid to you and
then you and I can share the money.

All
I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal
through.I guarantee that this will be executed under all legitimate
arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. In your
reply mail, I want you to give me your full names, address, date of
birth, telephone and fax numbers.If you can handle this with me, reach
me now for more details.

Thanking you for your anticipated cooperation.
Sincerely,

This sounds like a terrific idea idea to me.  I am going to send him whatever he wants, especially my checking account and social security numbers if he asks for them, because this legitimate opportunity to get rich is just too good to pass up. This is my lucky day!

The Writing Chromosome

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My brother Tod, while hyping our appearance this coming Sunday at the West Hollywood Book Festival, observes:

Other than Evel and Robbie Knievel, I have to believe the family with
the greatest genetic disposition toward one career must be mine.
Between just the four Goldberg siblings alone, we have something like
30 books. Now, granted, Lee has written about 25 of them, but he is
significantly older.

He’s only scratching the surface. My mother Jan Curran was a feature writer for the Palm Springs Desert Sun (among other newspapers), my father Alan Goldberg was a TV anchorman on KPIX   (which, back in the day, actually involved some newswriting), my Uncle Burl Barer is writes true crime books (as well as the Edgar Award winning ‘The Saint: A Complete History"), my cousin Sam Barer is an auto industry columnist, and my great-cousin (I’m not sure that’s what he is…what would the son of my grandmother’s brother-in-law be??) David Zarkin was a newspaper reporter. I know I’m leaving some writerly family members out (I think that my grandmother’s brother may have written for Look magazine and know I have a distant cousin who writes for the New York Times).  And most of them…at least the ones who are still living…have blogs, many of which you can find listed on the column to the left.

So, yeah, writing is definitely in our blood. Then again, so are the furniture, pelt, and scrap metal businesses…

East of Bizarro

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My brother Tod just returned from speaking at  the East of Eden writers conference in Salinas, California where he had some hilarious encounters with aspiring writers. He lists a few of them on his blog. Here’s a sampling:

3. Number of writers who attempted to present me with velobound manuscripts: 9

4. Number of writers who asked me to write their ideas: 4

5. A conversation with a very nice woman who wanted some advice on her short story:

Woman: I think my short story would make a great musical.

Me: Uh, okay.

Woman: I’ve already written all the lyrics and am adapting it for a movie musical.

Me: What was the last musical you saw?

Woman: Oh, I can’t remember the last time I saw a great musical. They don’t make great musicals anymore.

Me: Then why do you think a movie studio would want to make a musical out of your short story?

Woman: It’s a universal story, I write wonderful songs, it would be
just a great musical. My screenwriting teacher at the junior college
thinks so, too.

Me: What kind of movies does your screenwriting teacher make?

Woman: Documentaries and technical films for businesses.

I was a keynote speaker at the same conference a few years ago, shortly after one of the surgeries on my arm. Just before I went on stage, I spilled an entire slice of chocolate cake in my lap. I tried to wash it off and only made myself look like someone with both a severe bladder control problem and irritable bowels. Nothing earns you respect and admiration when you’re standing in front of hundreds of people like a pair of soiled pants.

You Don’t Even Have to Read Between the Lines

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I got this email today:

My name is Diana. I was wondering if you’ve ever heard of Morgan James Publishing? If so, what do you think?

All it takes is 30 seconds on their site to discover that they are just another vanity
press — you pay them to have your manuscript printed in
book form. A real publisher pays you.

Once your manuscript has been accepted, our professional staff guides
you through the publication process. We don’t charge a huge price for
services, and our costs are clear so you know exactly what you are
getting prior to submitting your manuscript. After publication, we
offer marketing support that helps you find the audience for your book.

What more do you need to know?  That says it all.  Get out your credit card and you, too, can be a "published author."

So Many Shows, So Much Confusion, So Little Time…

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I’m supposedly a "TV insider," and yet I am completedly confused by the new season. I can’t tell KIDNAPPED from STANDOFF from VANISHED. It’s like last season, when every series seemed to be about an alien invasion (SURFACE, INVASION, etc.) or thieves plotting a big robbery (HEIST, THIEF, etc.)

What makes it even harder to tell all these kidnapping shows apart is the plethora of new, one-word titled shows this season…like RUNAWAY, HEROES, JUSTICE, SHARK, DAYBREAK, SMITH, JERICHO, and DEXTER to go along with LOST, HOUSE, BONES, SURVIVOR,MONK, SUPERNATURAL, NUMBERS etc. 

And then there’s THE NINE and SIX DEGREES. I don’t know which one of these two is which, do you?

There are only two new series I’m looking forward to — SHARK and HEROES.

I’m also curious about the recast LAW AND ORDER. Otherwise, it will be hard enough for me just to keep up with my favorites, like LAW & ORDER: SVU, GREY’S ANATOMY, BOSTON LEGAL, NIP/TUCK, THE UNIT, and BATTLESTAR GALACICA. And I have season boxed sets of THE SHIELD, RESCUE ME, HOUSE  and VERONICA MARS crying for attention on my shelf…

But who has the time???

Tied Up in Tie-ins

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I got an email from someone who has written his first original tie-in novel, which will be released very soon in paperback by a major publisher. He was paid a
flat, work-for-hire fee of $5000 to produce a 90,000 word novel and was
put through at least one revision.  He had this question for me:

Assuming I do get offered another
contract, it’s likely to take place before the first book hits the stores.
Wouldn’t my best bargaining point be the degree of success of the first
book, and I won’t know that before being asked to make a decision on a
second contract? I don’t want a second contract on the same terms as the
first. In other words, how much leverage does a tie-in
writer have, especially a newbie? Any light you can shed would be much
appreciated.

It
really depends on your financial situation now. How long did it take
you to write that 90,000 words? My guess is that if you were to figure
out the time you put in writing the book on a dollars-per-hour basis,
you got far less than minimum wage.  And you gain nothing
financially if the book is a success. If they want you back, I would
ask for at least a $5000 advance against a percentage of royalties…or walk away from it.  That
really is the only leverage you have — a willingness to walk
away.

I posed this question to other tie-in writers in the International Association of Media Tie-in Writers. They pointed out that the publisher has  done the number crunching on the tie-in deal and believe they are already paying all that they can afford (given that they also have to pay a licensing fee and share royalties with the studio). However, now you’ve demonstrated that you can write a novel on time and to their specifications, so you’re not an unknown any more. And that proven dependability is now worth something.

Dangerous if Combined

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This Sunday, in a cosmic convergence of such magnitude that it could
create a rip in the space-time continuum right in the center of West
Hollywood, my brother Tod, my sisters Karen Dinino, Linda
Woods and I will be on stage at the West Hollywood Book
Festival.

All four of us are published authors and, as fate would have it, we all
have new books out. We’ll be offering advice about writing, publishing,
and creating searingly hot erotic fiction (which none of us do, but it
seems livelier than talking about what we do write, which are literary
short stories, art books, and novels with 80-year-old TV actors on the
cover).

Casino Royale

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There’s a new trailer for CASINO ROYALE and it lays to rest any doubts that Daniel Craig can play Bond or that the producers were serious about rebooting the franchise. The last vestiges of the Roger Moore years seem to be completely erased.  Bond is once again the young,  lethal assassin from DR. NO and FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.  I liked the Pierce Brosnan Bonds, though they seemed like a compromise between the Connery and Moore versions of 007. CASINO ROYALE is definitely a throwback to the Connery interpretation. It looks like this movie could be the best Bond film since GOLDFINGER… (though the bad guy’s scarred eye is a little too reminiscent of Donald Pleasance in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE). I can’t wait to see it.

Pink Panther Novels

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I stumbled on an unusual tie-in at the bookstore today — THE PINK
PANTHER GETS LUCKY by Mark Cerasini & Alice Alfonsi, an original
novel based on the PINK PANTHER movies. In fact, it’s billed as an
"original pink panther mystery." Apparently, there is already another
one on the way. I wonder what the target audience is for Inspector
Clouseau books?