Remember HUNTER?

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It’s not often you see a review of a 15-year-old rerun airing in syndication…but this week, Entertainment Weekly spotlights an episode of HUNTER written by my buddy Morgan Gendel.

This 1990 Hunter ep is titled "Unfinished Business" but I call it "the one where
Hunter and McCall have all the sex." After six years of stake-outs, innuendo,
and lingering looks over dead bodies, Rick and Dee Dee finally get it on in a
series of positively Bergman-esque flashbacks– and a shiveringly unresolved
ending. Mulder and Scully got nothin’ on this heat. Truly, the crap cop show’s
finest hour. Episode: A. Series: C+. TVLand, March 25th at 1 pm.

I’m sure it was the best episode. Morgan has a knack for writing the episode everybody remembers…no matter what series he’s on.  For instance, his STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION episode "The Inner Light" was an instant classic, a Hugo-award winning script that every other STAR TREK series felt duty-bound to ripoff at least once, and sometimes twice (most recently on the ENTERPRISE episode "Twilight").

Another Brilliant Idea for a TV Series That Will Change the Very Course of Mankind

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I got this email today:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,

I read the story about the woman who wanted a shortcut into the television arena. I can understand where she’s coming from on that. But how about the individual who doesn’t have 22 scripts or wants to make  the big bucks? How about the individual who has an idea that begs for a  collaborator…and you don’t know who to call (man! the theme from Ghostbusters
haunts after all these years!!!)? What if the idea isn’t a different type of children’s show? What if it is a story that is based on something Jews, Christians, and Muslims would buy into? What if it is show Oprah would love if  her staff would listen to someone who doesn’t have an agent (again? Who do you
really go to here?)? What if it is a show that NARAS would love because it would help the sales of music, and the industry would appreciate because it helps young writers showcase their talent? There are so many "what ifs" that Creed would have a run for their money. Simply put. Some guys have that place on the perch and others who want to get half way there…just don’t know how. But all it takes is just someone to reach out and give someone a chance (ah! yes, the theme from Mahogany….) Such is life…

Here’s how I replied:

I’ve answered this one so many times, I should probably just use a boilerplate.  So here’s the shorthand version. Again.

Ideas are cheap, execution is everything. No one buys ideas. What the networks are buying are scripts and proven producing skill.  BLIND JUSTICE is not a  great idea.  What ABC bought was Steven Bochco and his stellar writing/producing team doing a show about a blind cop.  It doesn’t matter whether your idea will appeal to Jews, Muslims,  Christians and lovable chipmunks.  No one cares whether Oprah, Ellen, or Biff The Talking Wonder Chimp would love your idea or not.  No one cares if your idea will revolutionize the entire entertainment industry, the American culture, and life as we know it.

No wants to hear your idea. Especially me.

Virtual Bookworm

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I got this email today:

I am considering publishing with Virtual Bookworm. I saw them listed on your list. Anymore you can tell me  about  them.

They are a print-on-demand publisher, also known as a "vanity press." They will not get your books distributed to stores. They will not promote your book. And you will have difficulty getting the book reviewed or taken seriously by anyone (not to mention selling any copies). You may have even more problems than that… just a simple "Google" search on them turns up nothing but complaints and warnings, like this one:

Writer Beware has received a number of complaints about Virtual Bookworm. Most involve unpaid royalties, or royalty statements that don’t reflect the actual  number of books sold. Some authors are looking into legal action.

I found all that out in about 8.5 seconds. Have you done any research at all yourself? If so, you wouldn’t be asking me about them.  If you are intent on paying to have your book published, try  iUniverse.

California Girl

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There’s been a lot of hoopla surrounding T. Jefferson Parker’s CALIFORNIA GIRL, including an Edgar nomination, but  (you can probably see where this is going) I was underwhelmed. T.J. Parker  is one of my favorite writers and I look forward to each of his books. While I liked CALIFORNIA GIRL, I didn’t think it was his best work or the crowning achievement of his career, as some of my friends have said. To me, that honor has to go to SILENT JOE, which is still my favorite of his books.  I also liked LAGUNA HEAT, BLUE HOUR and RED LIGHT a lot… and more than CALIFORNIA GIRL (then again, you can’t go wrong with any of his books).

That’s not to say CALIFORNIA GIRL isn’t a fine book with lots going for it… but after all the hoopla, and the terrific books of his that preceded it, I was expecting more. Perhaps that was the problem…the reviews and the acclaim amped my expectations way too high.

Branding

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Branding is the big word in publishing these days, even if you aren’t writing a series. Take  the latest novel by my friend Loraine Despres. 8635462 She wrote a terrific, highly-acclaimed novel that came out last year called  THE SCANDALOUS SUMMER OF SISSY LEBLANC, the cover of which is to the left (click for a larger image) . Her new novel THE BAD BEHAVIOR OF BELLE CANTRALL isn’t a sequel, but you wouldn’t know looking at the cover.  Belle4rub2_1Because the publisher created a distinct look for Loraine’s first  novel, they were able to repeat it for the second and establish a visual "brand" for her (I bet if she wrote a dark crime novel for the publisher, they’d probably use the same cover style). Will the branding work? Who knows…but  have you noticed how similar the covers for Anita Shreve‘s last few books have been? It’s obviously been working for her. I hope it does for Loraine, too.

The Darkest Depths of Man

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I had to go in to see a doctor for a flexible sigmoidoscopy. For those of you who don’t know what that means, a doctor shoves a tube up your butt and takes a sightseeing tour of your colon.  This probably qualifies as "more about me than you ever wanted to know," but if not, read on.

The doctor who performed this thrilling task was a strikingly beautiful young woman…which made me even more uncomfortable than the exam itself. I would have preferred if my doctor was a man…or if  she looked like the rectum she was examining.

Here’s my question to you: what difference did it make? I’m a very happily married man and would never stray… so I’m definitely not on the make (and even if I was, the offices of a colon & rectum specialist isn’t really the hottest pick-up spot in town. "Hey, baby, now that you’ve seen my rectum, want to go out some time?" or "This has been fun. What do you say you pull that garden hose out of my butt and lets go to dinner?").  So why was I more uncomfortable with an attractive woman doing the exam
than I would have been with a man or an atrociously ugly woman?

(And why do I have a feeling of deja vu with this post? Have I asked this question before? Or is this a question my bowel-movement obsessed brother has asked on his blog or his old newspaper column?)

Staffing Season

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I received this email today:

Lee – as a fringe writer (some low rent success –
but definitely not made) and an avid reader of Successful Television Writing, a question…
When DOES staffing season officially kick off.
I’m always hearing about the "Start of Staffing Season" and you mention it in STW, but I’ve never seen a time when this is  actually going… Late April?

This is how I replied:

It’s not really a staffing "season," more like a couple of staffing "weeks."

The networks announce their fall schedules — the new shows they are picking up and the old shows they are either renewing or cancelling — in late May.  Staffing the new shows, and some positions on returning series, begins almost immediately (though some confident, or at least extremely optimistic, pilot producers actually start taking "get to know you" meetings with potential staffers in early May, before they know whether or not their shows will get picked up).

 
Because most series begin shooting episodes in early July, the staffing season is a very narrow window of opportunity, just about four or five weeks.  If you don’t land a job during those short, competitive, anxiety-filled weeks, odds are you will be sitting out the season (though you may get a freelance gig or a pilot).  That said, there’s another staffing with that opens up a crack around August, when it’s clear that some showrunners and staffers aren’t cut out for their jobs and a quick change needs to be made… and then the window opens a bit again around Thanksgiving, when producers may look to make staff changes for "the back nine" if it looks likely their shows will get a full season pick-up.

 

Wynnsome

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I thought I was the only one strangely fascinated by the ad with Steve Wynn standing atop his new hotel…but I’m not.  I don’t know whether it’s his smug smile, hisGallery1110787179msg167542_1 "I’m-a-Syndicate-hitman-from-a-MANNIX-rerun"  turtleneck and blazer,  the overblown DALLAS-esque score, the self-satisfied smirk, or the Siegfield & Roy-inspired theatrical flick of the hand that cues the big music sting as the camera pulls back from the roof-top in a reverse of the classic HAWAII FIVE-O main titles….

But whatever it is… I like it (maybe it’s all those sublimal TV references from MANNIX, DALLAS and HAWAII FIVE -O).  I can’t watch it just once. 

Returning to the Battlefield

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Remember how just yesterday I was whining about having nothing to do? That state of being lasted less than 24 hours. My publisher and Paramount enthusiastically approved my story for the next (seventh)  DIAGNOSIS MURDER novel… so I am back to plotting. I pulled the dry-erase board from my closet, propped it up on my bookshelf, and prepared for work…

…I watched Sunday’s DEADWOOD and two GUNSMOKE reruns back-to-back. Not that those westerns have anything to do with DIAGNOSIS MURDER, but that’s how the first day goes. Whining about nothing to do and then procrastination…such is the life of a professional writer.