The Mystery Bookstore Mystery

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It was the talk of Left Coast Crime in El Paso, whispered in the corridors, at the bar, and by the Spanish-speaking cashiers at the Arby’s across the street…

Have you heard about Shelly?

2larcandshellyThey were talking, of course, about Sheldon MacArthur, the  proprietor of the Mystery Book Store in Westwood (and, for many years before that, The Mysterious Bookshop in West Hollywood).  For a little guy, he’s one of the biggest personalities (and opinion-makers) in the Southern California mystery scene… the Yoda of crime writing.  If you’re serious about mystery novels,  as a writer or a fan, you make the pilgrimmage to his store to get his advice and his blessing.  He’s a polarizing character… people either love him or hate him.  I’m one of the guy’s who loves him… I was a loyal customer long before I was an author and I can sit for hours talking about mysteries with him.

Well, I could...

Lately, he’s been missing from the store and rumors about his disappearance are running rumpant.  The story is that he’s on "extended leave." But I’ve heard lots of other explanations. Some say he had a nasty fight with the other investors in the store and he was kicked out. Others say he’s left to deal with a family emergency. Then there are those persistent rumblings about satan worship,  gambling debts to the mob, and wild sex parties involving cats, quilts, and people dressing up as Robert Crais and Gregg Hurwitz.

I was in the store earlier this week and tried pumping the staff oh-so-subtly for information ("So, what’s the real story with Shelly? Is he sick? Has he been fired? Is he having an Extreme Make-Over?"), but they were tight-lipped. All they would tell me, Stepford-like, was that he was "on an extended leave."

So is  Jimmy Hoffa, if you know what I mean.

The Mystery Bookstore’s anniversary party is this Saturday… and if he’s not there, his absense is sure to be a hot topic among the mystery writers and fans in attendance (who will include Robert B. Parker, Thomas Perry, Tod Goldberg, Patricia Smiley, Jerrilyn Farmer, Don Winslow,  April Smith, Gregg Hurwitz, Bill Fitzhugh, Scott Frost, and, of course, yours truly).

I’ll report back on Sunday…

(that’s Shelly in the picture with Bob, who is doing his "I’m a grim mystery writer" face. I hear they have consultants now who teach mystery writers how to look street instead of cul-de-sac. Either Bob is practicing the face, or he just heard his production bonus check for HOSTAGE got lost in the mail. You can click on the photo for a larger image)

Adult Material

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The recent discussion here about "adult material" in my DIAGNOSIS MURDER books reminded me of a book signing I did a while ago.  I spoke to an audience of retirees in the auditorium at a retirement home. When I was done with my presentation, an elderly man raised his hand.

"Yes, sir, do you have a question?" I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

At that point, I had just finished speaking about myself, and the books that I write, for about 15 minutes. 

"I’m Lee Goldberg," I said. "I’m an author."

I quickly turned my attention to a woman raising her hand. "Yes, ma’am."

She smiled sweetly. "You are such a nice young man. I’m so glad you came today. Have you written anything I might have read?"

I motioned to the books next to me. "These. The Diagnosis Murder books. The ones I was just talking about."

"Oh," she said. "I’m not familiar with those."

I turned to someone else with a raised hand. "Yes, ma’am, do you have a question?"

She looked at me sternly. "Is there any explicit sex in your books?"

"No," I said. "They are squeaky clean."

She shook her head, a frown on her face. "Then I’m not reading them."

Be Warned

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I saw BE COOL, the GET SHORTY sequel, last night (it was our date night and there were no other movies to see).  I can review it succinctly with two words: DON’T BOTHER (or is that technically three words, since "Don’t" is short for "Do Not?"). Not that I’ve reviewed it succinctly, I’ll ramble a bit… GET SHORTY was a great movie. BE COOL is not. Everything that worked in GET SHORTY doesn’t in BE COOL.  The only thing the least bit amusing in BE COOL is The Rock’s performance as a gay bodyguard…which, in a way, should tell you all you need to know about this movie.

By the way, is there an unwritten rule in Hollywood that Vince Vaughan or Jude Law has to be in every movie that’s made?

Don’t Pay Them, They Pay You

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Prolific author Lynn Viehl (well, that’s one of her pen-names, anyway) remembers the temptation, back when she was an aspiring author (or is it authors in her case?),  to sign with one of those agents who tried to steer her into a book doctor scam.  the book doctor said her manuscript needed work… and it would cost $1300 to fix it up. She almost wrote the check…but thought better of it, despite his dire warnings that she was making a grave mistake. A few years later, the "agent" and the "book doctor" got nailed by the law for defrauding 3600 people with their phony literary agency and publishing house.  As she says, "aspiring writers, make it your mantra:  you don’t pay them, they pay you."

“Shannon Elizabeth Remembers She’s a Celebrity, Divorces Fat Man”

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That headline, from the blog TVgasm, made me laugh out loud…  the rest of the post is pretty funny, too.

All things come in three’s, including celebrity break-ups.

Last night American Pie masturbating chick filed for divorce from
LOST’s Hurley. (ok not really) This break-up was taken particularly
hard by fat, hairy unnattractive men everywhere who thought, "See, it
could happen to me." No, fat man…it can’t.

Shannon forwent the usual "irreconcilable differences" claim, rather
filing under the less oft used, "He stopped hypnotizing me" defense.

Writer Beware

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The Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America have a terrific website called Writer Beware... and on it they have a detailed article on Vanity Publishers, as well as the pros and cons of doing business with them. The article includes these useful definitions:

Commercial publishers, subsidy publishers, vanity presses,
self-publishing–what’s the difference?

  • A commercial publisher purchases the right to publish, and pays the
    author a royalty on sales (most also pay an advance on royalties). Commercial
    publishers are highly selective, publishing only a tiny percentage of
    manuscripts submitted to them, and handle every aspect of editing, publication,
    distribution, and marketing. There are no costs to the author.
  • A vanity publisher (a.k.a. a book producer or book manufacturer)
    prints and binds a book at the author’s sole expense. Costs include the
    publisher’s profit and overhead, so vanity publishing is usually a good deal
    more expensive than self-publishing. The completed books are the property of the
    author, and the author retains all proceeds from sales. Vanity publishers do not
    screen for quality–they publish anyone who can pay–and provide no editing,
    marketing, warehousing, or promotional services. 
  • A subsidy publisher also takes payment from the author to print and
    bind a book, but claims to contribute a portion of the cost, as well as adjunct
    services such as editing, distribution, warehousing, and some degree of
    marketing. Theoretically, subsidy publishers are selective. The completed books
    are the property of the publisher, and remain in the publisher’s possession
    until sold. Income to the writer comes in the form of a royalty.
  • Self-publishing, like vanity publishing, requires the author to
    undertake the entire cost of publication him/herself, and to handle all
    marketing, distribution, storage, etc. However, because the author can put every
    aspect of the process out to bid, rather than accepting a pre-set package of
    services, self-publishing can be more cost-effective than vanity or subsidy
    publishing, and can result in a much higher-quality product. And unlike subsidy
    publishing, the completed books are the writer’s property, and the writer keeps
    100% of sales proceeds.

I’m The Guy Without a Beer

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Here’s a picture taken last week at Left Coast Crime… that’s author David Ellis, me, and author Jim O. Born (click on the picture for a larger image). Lcc05010David Montgomery was the photographer. Not pictured: the married waitress-who-is-actually-an-actress with the low-cut shirt who was flirting with me, Victor Gischler, my gardener Enrique,  and Stacy O’Quinn, the girl I had a crush on in third grade.