Situations I Never Want to be In…

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The SFWeekly’s Harmon Leon visited a porn set and had this awkward experience.

On set, the tempo builds. It builds! It builds! It builds! Then the
rotund sound guy barks, "Let’s change the tape!" Everything comes to a
grinding halt. Harv dismounts. Still fully aroused, he takes time for a
cigarette and shares his mainstream aspirations to be a stand-up
comedian.

             
Being in the comedy industry, I offer advice to nude, aroused Harv.
 

             
"When at a comedy club," I advise, "be sure not to hump anything onstage!"
 

             
Harv takes this in, then pulls out a tube of lube and lotions up his Calvin Coolidge. I could really do without that.
 

             
"OK guys, we’re back to work again!" commands the director.
 

The Power of “Yes”

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Craig Mazin at The Artful Writer offers this piece of advice to working screenwriters:

If you’re a professional screenwriter and you’re asked to make a change that you think is awful, say “Yes.”

Always say yes.

Destroy the main character? “Yes!” Change that brilliant ending that
brings everything full circle with a twist-and-a-half? “Sure!” If the
producer or director has an idea that’s just god-awful, death-dealing,
movie-wrecking, story-killing, your answer to the request should be a
charming and pleasant “Okay!” Say it with pride. Alacrity, even.

Why?  Because saying yes costs you nothing, and gains you much.

When I say “yes,” I’m not agreeing to be slavish.  I’m simply agreeing to try.
If I determine that their suggestion is not to be done, I can explain
why. When you remove that initial “no,” you remove 99% of the hostility
and disfunction from the writer-employer relationship while ceding 0%
of your authority and power. And it’s funny. Ever since I began saying
“yes” a few years back, two interesting things have come to pass.

I haven’t had to write anything I didn’t believe in…

…and no one’s fired me.

I don’t agree with this advice… and I’ve never been fired.  What I don’t do is say "No." What I might say is "That’s an interesting thought, but here’s what will happen to the story if I do it," or "I don’t think that’s a good idea, and here’s why," or "Let me think about it."  But I never say yes to a note I have no intention of doing. But that’s if I’m writing a TV movie or a feature or a pilot. 

On the other hand, if I am writing a freelance episode of a TV series, I might respond to a bad note by saying  "if I do that, here’s how it will impact the story," but I won’t press the point if the executive producer disagrees. I will always say "Yes." I will always do the note, gladly and with no argument, no matter what. Why? Because your job on a TV series is to do what the showrunner wants. It’s his  show, his  characters, not yours. You are a carpenter. You have come to do a job in his house.  Your job is to do what the customer wants to the very best of your ability.

Sisters on Sojourn

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My sisters Linda and Karen are off to Cinncinnati this weekend for the big photo shoot for their art journaling book, which will be out in late 2005. While packing, Linda made a discovery.

KandlbeachWe leave for Cincinnati this weekend and I have been packing up all my art supplies for the photo shoot. How
come pretty much every supply I own fits nicely in a box that is
20"x14"x14" yet my workspace (which is bigger than a box) feels too
small for all my stuff? Of course our art journaling philosophy is that
you don’t really need much more than your imagination and emotions
to create an artful journal-so-this enforces my belief that all these
stacks of things here are just cluttering up my space when all I really
need is in that 20"x14"x14" box (and in the small box that rests on my
neck). Somehow I stopped practicing what I preach for ten minutes and
chaos happened.

I know I’m much better giving the writers who work for me notes than I am at following those notes myself in my writing. By the way, my sisters will be teaching another one of their incredibly popular art courses soon…

The Real James Patterson

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Variety reports novelist James Patterson is developing a reality show with LMNO, the folks behind "Temptation Island." And no, it’s not going to be about a writer and his factory of scribes. The proposed series will focus on "the generation gap that exists within families."

"It could be about how a father and son look at things differently," said LMNO
prexyprexy-chief
exec Eric Schotz, explaining that one episode might take a parent and child and
have them both teach a sex-ed class.

Patterson said he decided to jump into the waters of reality TV because he
"had what I consider to be an irresistible idea. I couldn’t resist it, as much
as I tried."

He believes writing novels isn’t that far removed from
producing unscripted TV shows.  "When reality TV is done well, as it is in the case of ‘The Apprentice,’ you
can’t stop turning the pages," he said.

Low Carb Madness

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A year ago, I lost 20 pounds on the Atkins Diet… then I broke both my arms and, over the following months, gained most of the weight back. It’s hard to stick to a diet when you’re being hand-fed, you’re in tremendous pain, and you want all the comfort food you can get.

Now I’m getting back on the Atkins diet and am healed enough (after two surgeries) to engage in some cautious exercise. I’m counting carbs again and loading up on those helpful Atkins products.  Is it just me, or have they changed the formula of those Atkins bars? They don’t taste like chemical-covered sawdust anymore. They actually taste good. Or am I delusional?

It’s easy for me to stick to the Atkins diet. I love meat. There are some drawbacks, though.
Not to sound like my brother Tod, but it sure would be nice  to have a bowel movement some time this month…

(Is Atkins a cult? Check out Patrick Hynes’ amusing essay)

Post-Partum Depression

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I finished the first draft of my sixth DIAGNOSIS MURDER novel yesterday, a few weeks ahead of my March 1 deadline (much to my surprise), which gives me some time to "fine tune" it. But,  basically, it’s done. While I am relieved it’s completed, and that I will be able to turn it in on time, I feel a loss.

My next DIAGNOSIS MURDER book isn’t due until Oct. 1,  which is like a gift… it will be the first DM book I’ll have more than four months to write.  I’m not on a show yet… so there are no scripts to write, either.

For the first time in months, I’m not racing to meet deadlines, trying to squeeze in sleep, family, and physical therapy in with my writing.  I actually have some time to myself. 

I can finally do all the things I’ve been putting off. Read some of those books in my TBR pile, organize my desk, clean my closet, put nice labels on my hundreds of tape-toDVD-Rs transfers, watch some movies, catch up on my favorite TV shows, browse at bookstores.

But it’s been so long since I’ve had a break, I don’t quite know how to deal with the freedom.

And it’s only been a day. 

This Thursday I’m off to speak at the San Francisco Writers Conference for the weekend, and next Wednesday, I am off to El Paso for Left Coast Crime for four days… it will be nice to attend those two events without having to worry about when I can  squeeze in time to write.

I’m not sure I know what that’s like…

But I know I need the rest… considering awhat the last 12 months have been like… writing three books, writing a season of a TV show, enduring two broken arms and two surgeries…so I’m going to relax.  Really, I will.

For a week or two, anyway.

A VARIETY of Press Releases

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On the back of today’s issue of Variety, the industry trade publication, was a big advertisement for "Variety Vision," a new "video streaming environment" that offers you video interviews with Variety staffers.

Tune in to watch our top editors argue, cajole and spin about current issues affecting the business of entertainment. No login or password required. It’s free.

Of course it’s free.  And it’s still too expensive. Why the hell would anyone possible care what Variety "reporters" have to say about anything? For one thing, they rarely report at all. I can’t remember the last time they engaged in anything remotely approaching actual journalism…

Let’s take a look at today’s issue, for example, shall we? I’ll put an asterisk next to anything that involved doing more than reworking a publicity packet.

On the front page:

CRIME ON THE RISE AT NEW LINE – A rewrite of a press release about some new films. No reporting involved (N.R.I.)
U’S HANDED THE KEYS TO KINGDOM – A rewrite of a press release about rights acquired to a book. (N.R.I)
COL TAPS TWO FOR NY HOME – A rewrite of announcement about new employees hired.
* A ONE MAN BRAND – An article about all the projects Jon Steward has going,prompted by a press release about his new deal at Comedy Central.  This could generously be called an oveview  of the subject.

Page 2:

* ARMY ARCHERD: JUST FOR VARIETY –  Army works the phones for his usual column about social happenings in Hollywood. Yes, this is reporting. No substance to it, but you can’t argue that he did more than rewrite press releases.

* CONTSTANTINE EMPORER OF ASIA – List of foreign box office tallies for movies.  I’ll be kind, and call this reporting…though it barely qualifies (since there is no analysis, simply restating figures supplied by services).
HARRIS SCORES LEAD IN INDIE BETHOVEN – Rewrite of press release (NRI)

Page 3
LOTS OF REAL DEALS – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
HITCH FINDS HOME ON TURNER NET – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
MCDERMOTT WEIGHT IN WITH CBS DRAMA – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
SMOKE RISES AT GOLD CIRCLE – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
JOEY HUGE FOR UK’S FIVE – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
* GALLERY BID FOR VID RIVAL OK WITH FTC – Minimal reporting, but still qualifies as news article.

Page 4
DINKLAGE CAUGHT UP IN AFFAIR – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
MTV ENROLLING IN PREP -Rewrite of press release (NRI)
AMC BOOKING SUITE FOR INTERVIEWS – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
INFINITY UPS BARNET -Rewrite of press release (NRI)
AMY PRESIDES AT HALLMARK – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
* RATINGS OUT OF TUNE – Overview of Grammy ratings. Minimal reporting, but still qualifies as news article.

Page 6
BOX OFFICE WRAP UP CHART

Page 7
* BOMBER TALE IGNITES BERLINALE COMPETISH – Review of film competition. News article.
SHOCHIKU SHARPENS ITS BLADE FOR INTL SALES – Rewrite of press releases (NRI)
* STUDIO DRAW SUITOR – Rewrite of press release but with some analysis, so I will be generous and call it news
KINGS RULE FRENCH CRITICS -Rewrite of press release (NRI)
GUILD GETS GIG AT MTV EUROPE – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
BEEB CHIEF SEGUES TO INDIE – Rewrite of press release (NRI)

Page 9-10
Concert Reviews

Page 11
SHARK HAS DVD BITE – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
CONTINUATIONS OF OTHER ARTICLES

Page 16
MIFED TAKES ITS FINAL BOW – Rewrite of press release (NRI)

Page 18
OBITS
CONTINUATIONS OF OTHER ARTICLES

Page 19
ATARI GAME FOR MATRIX REDUX – Rewrite of press release (NRI)
CONTINUATIONS OF OTHER ARTICLES

Page 20
* GRAMMY GROOVES – Party reporting and photos.

So, let’s see, out of 30 articles, only 8 had any reporting. Of those 8, six were based on press statements or releases.  The only stories generated by the reporters on their own initiative and "investigation" were two gossip columns. And they call this reporting.  Maybe it’s because I come from a family of reporters, but my criteria for reporting involves finding the news yourself,  making calls, doing research, interviewing people, digging below the surface to generate stories about something more than what’s spoonfed to you.

I guess that’s old-fashioned. Only Army Archerd seems to be doing anything remotely like that at Variety these days. Of course this is the same publication that

a) promises powerful execs they will go soft on them in articles and make sure they come off in a positive light.
b) whine about how wronged they feel when the press releases they blithely base articles on turn out to contain lies.
c) has a publisher who vets stories with studio chiefs and fires critics who are too critical of films by studios that advertise in Variety.

Variety Vision. Unbelieveable. What could these "reporters" possibly have to say about anything? Unless, of course, they have a press release to read…

Computer Generated Romance

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I saw one of those computer-generated movies today. I don’t mean INCREDIBLES or SHARK TALES… I’m talking about HITCH, of course.  It’s the "romantic comedy" starring Wil Smith and Kevin James that may be the first movie written entirely by a computer. It  sticks to all the formula story elements and, of course, has the obligatory expository best friend, the effeminate gay friend, the father figure boss, and, the number one cliche of all, the romantic lead character who is either:

a)  a writer (novelist or journalist)
b) in publishing (books or magazines)
c) in advertising

Can’t screenwriters (or the software that churns out these bland romantic comedies) think of any other careers for their characters? It is possible for people to live in NY or LA and not be in one of those professions. But you wouldn’t know from these movies:

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE (she’s a writer)
SOMEONE LIKE YOU (she’s a writer)
AMY’S ORGASM (she’s an author)
SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE (she’s a writer)
AS GOOD AS IT GETS (he’s a writer)
YOU”VE GOT MAIL (they are both booksellers)
NOTTING HILL (he owns a bookstore)
WE LOVE TROUBLE (they are both writers)
NEVER BEEN KISSED (she’s  a writer)
DOWN WITH LOVE (she’s a writer)
13 GOING ON 30 (she’s a magazine editor)
HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN TEN DAYS (they’re both writers)
BRIDGET JONES (she’s an editor)
BRIDGET JONES II (she’s a journalist)
ONE FINE DAY (he’s a writer)
KISSING JESSICA STEIN (she’s an editor)
ALEX AND EMMA (he’s a writer)

And those are just a few, off the top of my head. I’m willing to bet there are twice as many others that fit the same, tired mold (One or both lead characters are writers, in publishing, or in advertising). Come to think of it, it works like that in TV, too. Remember the spate of simultaneously airing romantic comedy sitcoms… SEX IN THE CITY, SUDDENLY SUSAN, JUST SHOOT ME, NAKED TRUTH… all about women journalists?

Hollywood writers have to get out in the world more…

And the software they are using to "write" romantic comedies needs serious tweaking. Then again, HITCH made $45 million last weekend, so what do I know?

Your Name Has No Value Anymore

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In a response to my previous post about Andrew Coburn, I asked about other writers who are toiling in obscurity…one of whom was Robert Reiss. Sarah Weinman replied.

Robert Reiss is still writing, but he’s had to change his name to Ethan Black for his newer books.

I’ve heard this story so many times before… and it raises another growing (and little discussed) problem in the mystery/thriller field:  writers who can’t get stuff published under their own names any more… and have been forced to adopt pseudonyms to stay in the game.  There are some terrific, highly-praised authors in this predicament, and they include Jeremiah Healy (aka Terry Devane),  Gar Anthony Haywood (Ray Shannon) and Tom Kakonis (Adam Barrow). I could mention a lot more authors in the same jam but they, unlike the three gentlemen I just mentioned, are very secretive about their new nom-de-plumes.   Jerry, Gar and Tom aren’t.

One of those secretive authors told me that their editor said "We’ll be glad to keep publishing your books, but not under your name.  He’s dead. " Apparently, the author had become a fatal victim of his midlist sales figures.  Based on his past, the chains wouldn’t order more (and usually less) than what his previous book sold or give them any better placement… thus dooming him to doing no better than his worst-selling book…except, of course, if he was lucky enough to get rave reviews and generate fantastic word of mouth.

It’s a tragedy when the only way you can keep writing, and getting published, is to do it under another name… to become an unwilling ghostwriter for yourself.

Andrew Coburn

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I just finished reading OFF DUTY by Andrew Coburn, which was strongly recommended to me by Ed Gorman….and for good reason. It’s a great book.

I’d never heard of the guy, and I like to think of myself as fairly plugged in to the mystery/thriller scene.  It turns out that Coburn has written several well-reviewed thrillers and was even nominated for an Edgar a few years back…and yet, he’s  virtually unknown. As far as I know, he doesn’t have any books that are still in print and hasn’t had a new title out in several years.  Which is a damn shame, because he’s as good, or better, than many of the bestselling authors working today.

All of which got me thinking about the shadow class of mystery/thriller writers… solid pros who’ve written fantastic stuff  and yet toil in almost complete obscurity… if they are lucky enough to still be writing, and having their work published, at all.  Robert Sims Reid, Robert Reiss, Gary Disher, James Colbert, Tom Kakonis, William Hoffman, Gaylord Dold, Robert Ray and Clay Reynolds are other authors who come to mind (you might know a few, too).  I would have put Kent Harrington on that list… but, thankfully, his new book has been getting enough attention that he might finally step out into the light. 

So why is it that some authors never show up on the public or critical radar despite writing top-notch mysteries and thrillers?  Are they not marketing themselves enough? Are they victims of poor distribution and promotion? Or are they writing stuff that’s too narrow in appeal?

I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts… and learning about any authors you’d add to the list of the shadow class…