The Mail I Get – Bizarro Edition

King-JoffreyI got a follow-up today from one of the people I mentioned in yesterday’s post. To refresh your memory, here’s the email that he sent me and my reply:

Dear Lee Goldberg, I wish to send you two types of screen play to have you see my writing talent. Please request for script. Thank you, David.

I replied: Why would I request your scripts, David? I don’t hire screenwriters and I am not an agent. I have no interest in your writing talent. My interest is exploiting in my own 🙂

Now here’s the follow-up that I got from him today…

Dear Lee Goldberg,

I wish to Inform you that I am His Majesty King David Yomi-Alli. The King. I have a vast domain of which you might not be able to comprehend and as such would not bother you with the details. Nevertheless, I am acquainted with your work from which I have developed my writing skills. My mission Is to use this acquired skill mixed with faith and talent to meet America’s most troubling needs. Needs such as quenching the US Mountain of debt by bringing together the treasure In people and land…

I am sure you can understand what treasure In person Is, Say for Instance you are a very talented Tv Series writer. Yes, you have earn the big bucks. What of If you use that same talent to write about the British Industrial revolution and Inspire another Industrial revolution In the midst of an Economic catastrophe…

I have plenty Ideas, you can present any to some of your collys In the Industry In America. KING DAVID

This guy has got to be putting me on. He followed up that email with a list of titles of spec scripts that he has written, under the heading “HM King David Writing Services.” He then adds:


I have chated to high profile ladys Including Barbara Bush, Chelsea Clinton, Princess Beatrice, the list Is endless nevertheless I have resorted to date, court and wed an American Physician who I think would be good on and to me and of benefit to the people.

I await your response.


Your Majesty, I, too, have a vast domain that spans not only this universe, but several alternate dimensions, including one where the entire civilization is based on an episode of Baywatch that I wrote. I’m afraid I have no interest in your screenplays, or writing about the British industrial revolution, or learning about the “endless” list of prominent women you have chatted with. I do, however, congratulate you on your engagement to an American doctor. For your sake, I hope she is a psychiatrist. Yours truly, His Majesty King Lee Goldberg, Grand Poobah of the Realm, Master of the TriTip.

12 thoughts on “The Mail I Get – Bizarro Edition”

  1. Wow… I get some bizarre spam mail, but your Inbox is a work of bizarro art, Lee. I have been contacted by many Nigerian princes but never by a foreign king whose names comprise Hebrew, Arabic, and Thai elements in one. What boggles my mind is the amount of time His Grand Majesty doubtless put into crafting that bit of lunacy.


  2. Lee, when you start attracting the truly weird, you know you’ve arrived in the realm of Stalked Celebrities, which is most likely where he accosted the aforementioned ladies.

  3. Good answer. By the way, Lee, if you care to know, I am The Emperor of a Vast and Glorious Realm crossing Time, Dimensions, and Universes. Since you claim to have a Kingdom, you may owe me rent. I’ll have my people get in touch with your people to work out a payment schedule.

    Good writing to you.

  4. I’d give the correspondent an E for Effort, but he’s so very creative that I’ll upgrade it to a D–for Derangement.

  5. Now that you’ve mentioned Baywatch, he’s going to want to know if you can introduce him to Pamela Anderson.

    In that vein, can you introduce me to Pamel Anderson?

  6. But what if, by some incredible circumstance, this guy’s on the level? And he only wants your help in meeting America’s most troubling needs? Don’t forget, Stephen Cannell made a series from this concept in the early ’80s — only with aliens, a school teacher, and a very cool theme song.

  7. Lee: Sounds to me like he’s one of two things: 1. He’s nuttier than a fruitcake and his keepers forgot to keep him off the internet. or 2. He’s nuttier than a fruitcake BUT has a sliver of brains….The last thing I think is so off the wall I’m wondering if I’ve lost it. What if it’s some terrorist masquerading as a nut job? Not that he’d have a hard time

  8. Dear King David,

    It is an amazing coincidence, but I am besties with Chelsea Clinton, so I called her up and told her you’d contacted me. She’s never heard of you, but she is very interested in you now and so is the secret service detail assigned to guard her. I obligingly sent them your email with headers. You should be hearing from them soon.

    Have a nice day….

  9. To be fair, I we have all seen opposite members of whichever sex you are, who would “look good on me” as King David states.

    (not related to King David and don’t really like Corgis)

  10. King David responds:

    “You sure have an educated guess about who His Majesty Is. But I can assure you this Is for real. Let me remain you of one of your writings “Mr Monk goes to Mexico” If you ask the Psychiatrist you have consulted You can’t live without water. The same with food. However that Whale got to eat…

    Then again I have seen MDs with WEIGHT Issues and needing to loose some…
    STORY to be continued…


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