On Other Blogs

The Face of E-vil

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PhantasieThe Smart Bitches Who Love Trashy novels tackle some E-book covers…and the results are laugh-out-loud funny. Here’s a sample, referring to the book cover on the left:

Beavis: Whoa!

Butthead: WHOA!

Beavis: She’s like, naked! With armbands!

Butthead:Huh huh. Yeah.

Beavis: And she’s gonna get stabbed by that CHURCH! YEAH!

Butthead: Huh huh.That’s cool.

Beavis: Stab her! Stab her in the BUTT!

Butthead: Huh huh huh huh. Tell her to move her hand first so we can see her boobs.

Beavis: Yeah! BOOBS

Butthead: Yeah. Huh huh.

Me, I’m curious about the author’s name. "Kit Tunstall?" What kind of name is that? It sounds like a particularly unpleasant procedure involving the colon.

Mysteries of Tie-in Writing Revealed

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Want to know how to become a tie-in writer? Do you need an agent to break into the tie-in field? What kind of deadlines do tie-in writers have to meet? How do the writers approach characters descriptions and backstory? What kind of royalties do tie-in writers get? What is better — fighting for royalties or accepting a flat-fee? These are just a few of the intriguing business and craft questions tackled and answered in the  articles  posted today at the International Association of Media Tie-In Writers (IAMTW) website.

The Horror of Being a Smurf

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The AV Club visited Fanfiction.net on a mission to probe the "outer limits" of fan fiction and found, among the REBA and SCHINDLERS LIST fic, stories about THE SMURFS.

SmurfSample: Not so "Raven Child2," whose sprawling trilogy ("The Smurfette
Village!", "Return to the Smurfette Village," and the still-in-progress "How
Things Smurf") follows Hefty Smurf on an epic journey that spans several
centuries. Separated from the other Smurfs after a devastating flood, Hefty
happens on a village that reverses the male-to-female ratio of the patriarchal
Smurf Village. Can he find true love with his female analog, Toughette? Will he
ever be reunited with his Smurf friends? Can they adjust to modern times when
they’re whisked into the 21st century?

Representative quote: "Many of the smurfs didn’t even try to block
away their tears when Papa Smurf reminded them of the horrors they
witnessed."

Sexual tension: Moderate. Smurfs can only be so sexy, but there is a
distinct sensuality to Raven Child2’s descriptions of Toughette.

Critical response: Mixed. While most reviewers offer vague words of
encouragement ("Keep smurfin’!"), "Jinglette," author of "Harry Potter And The
Search For Michael Jackson," isn’t so kind: "You have no life… Writing about
Smurfs… GO EAT A MUFFIN OR SOMETHING!" Ouch. And is it constructive criticism
or passive aggression when fellow Smurfs fanfic writer "Rowhena Zahnrei" points
out, "Proper tense use is vital if you want readers to be able to follow your
story easily"?

(Thanks to Bookslut for the heads-up)

What You Think About When You Win an Emmy

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My friend Javier won an Emmy the other night for LOST. This was what was going through his head as he stepped up on stage in front of twenty million people:

i wouldn’t be here if upn hadn’t cancelled “jake 2.0” in the middle of
its run! thank you tyra banks for doing twice our first run number on a
rerun of “america’s next top model” how is my wife going to find me
after this? I AM HERE FOR THE GLORY OF QU’ONOS! do i get my own trophy?
god, i love monkeys. the castaways should find a monkey and train it to
be their butler. wolverine! SNCKT! monkey butler. chips would be nice.
never be ru-uude to an arab! hey – that’s jj abrams! volare! whoa-oh!
cantare! i remember a small band of three men i saw while vacationing
in the island of bequia, they sang badly and their instruments were out
of tune – but they had HEART! shatner was just here! shatner. the
captain. hmmm. some dip would be nice with those chips. hey guinan?
where’s the rest of the el-aurian refugees? I AM HE AND YOU ARE HE AND
HE IS WE AND WE ARE ALL TOGETHER!

This was what was going through my mind as I watched him:  Who knew that writing dialogue for a dolphin was a step towards greatness?

You might wonder why I thought that.

It’s because two of my TV writer friends — who also happen to be two of the nicest and most talented men you will ever meet — have won Emmys and the well-deserved respect of their peers despite having worked with me on shows starring dolphins.  I like to think that means there’s an Emmy in my future, too…

Harley’s Adventures in TV Land

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My friend author Harley Jane Kozak shares more of her adventures in Hollywood  pitching her book DATING DEAD MEN as a TV series.

All the meetings go really well. While they’re happening. Then a
secondary reality sets in, wherein "I’d love to work with you” turns
out to mean, “I’d love to work with you, contingent upon a bunch of
other things, some of which will occur to me three days from now, after
I’ve talked to some other people.”

…conversations ensue, with Wendy, the producers, the producers’
people, our people, our people’s colleagues, Wendy’s husband, various
assistants, Other Producers Whom the Networks Love Who Might Be Right
For This Project. Our agent announces that Person X, who was so
fabulous yesterday afternoon is no longer desirable today, because of
something having to do with UPN. Or not. (The exception in all this is
Old Boyfriend who sends straightforward and unambiguous e-mails
directly to me. But he’s considered eccentric.)

I think I’m following it all until someone—e.g., my literary agent
from New York, where they speak English—says, “how’s it going?” and I
find I have no idea how it’s going or even what “it” is.

…and people ask me why I write books. I have to do something to stay sane while I work in the TV business.

“How Much Did You Pay To Get Published?”

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Author Susan McBride posted her "Slightly Sarcastic Rules for Writers," a must-read for all aspiring novelists, on Lipstick Chronicles today. Among the questions she tackles are: "How Much Did You Pay To Get Published?" "What Font Should I Use?" "How Many Pages Should My Manuscript Be?" and "How Much Did You Pay Your Agent to Take You On?"

Every time I speak to groups of aspiring writers (I spoke last night to the Ventura County Writers Club), the first piece of advice I give them is not to pay to have their book published, that it’s a complete waste of money and is not a necessary step in becoming a professional writer. This always goes over badly — because half the room has either already self-published or just sent in their checks. They want to believe there’s a short-cut that gets them past all the scary hurdles of publishing…and they don’t want to discover that there isn’t.

The Ultimate Fan Letter

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Gregg Hurwitz received a remarkable fan letter today. It began like this:

I have been reading your novel, "Minutes To Burn" for the last 10 days since the
hurricane destroyed my home and too many others here in Biloxi. I’m a physician
at the VA Hospital here, and have had to live in my office since Katrina hit in
order to be available for duty 24/7. I just wanted to say that I think reading
your novel helped keep me sane and in balance through this trial.

I couldn’t imagine a higher compliment than that.

Monday Chuckles II

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17813888_1Over at Lipstick Chronicles, Harley Jane Kozak talks about her efforts to sell her award winning novel DATING DEAD MEN as a TV series:

Being
clueless, we did what any pair of neophytes would do: we bought a book.
“Writing Treatments That Sell, or, How to Create and Market Your
Story Ideas to the Motion Picture and TV Industry” is written by
Kenneth Atchity and Chi-Li Wong, who assure us that “success comes
through individual effort combined with access and luck . . . . ” Well,
hey. That’s got Wendy and Harley written all over it.

So flash forward a year. Yes, it took Wendy and me a year to write
the treatment—or bible, as Kenneth and Chi-Li tell us it’s called in
television. Put that way, it doesn’t sound so bad. How long do you
suppose King James spent on his bible? Anyhow, that brings us to this
week, the week that we began to Take Meetings.

Her first meeting ended up being with two producers she’d slept with. More than once. But not together. I hate it when that happens.

And over at my brother Tod’s blog, he patiently explains to one of Walter Scott’s readers why Tom Cruise dates Catholic girls.

Catholicism is the second most popular religion in America, with over
63 million guilty fuckers claiming to believe in that particular story
of God. 63 million people, E.B. Do you know what that means? That means
unless you live in Utah, you probably have just as close a connection
to that religion as Tom Cruise does, though you’re not terribly likely
to end up with your face buried in the cross that dangles in Penelope
Cruz’s cleavage, nor will you find yourself running your fingers
through Nicole Kidman’s hair in search of tangled rosaries nor can you
expect to find yourself sailing along Katie Holmes’ Dawson Creek. Why?
Because the connection Tom Cruise has to those women is that THEY ARE
BIG TIME FAMOUS ACTRESSES THAT, IN ADDITION, HAPPEN TO BE INCREDIBLY
HOT WHICH, BY NO COINCIDENCE, MR. CRUISE HAPPENS TO BE AS WELL.