Current Affairs

The Big Step

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My buddy Bryce Zabel is sharing his personal moonwalk memories…no, not more Michael Jackson hype, but how Neil Armstrong’s first steps on the moon changed his life and his relationship with his father. 

Back on July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin kicked up their own moon dust when they became the first human beings ever to walk (or bounce) on the Earth’s Moon. The world is probably evenly divided now between those who were alive when the Eagle landed in the Sea of Tranquility and those who weren’t. I was. It was unforgettable, but not necessarily for the reasons you might think.

Mr. Monk and the Plugs

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My friend Dave McDonnell at Starlog.com plugged my new MONK book, as well as the new tie-ins by my brother Tod and my buddy William Rabkin, noting our long and twisted associations with the late, great STARLOG magazine. 

And the fine folks at The Monk Fun Page have given DIRTY COP a rave review. They say, in part:

Though the well-paced unraveling of the plot and the steady tone make the entire layout pleasing to read, it is the way the main characters and, maybe more importantly, the secondary characters jump off the page that make this Monk book most enjoyable.
Stottlemeyer is particularly complex, the entire story is anchored around him, and never does his believability suffer because of it.

[…]In Dirty Cop, Monk is the best he has ever been. His obsessions are ridiculous yet maintain great continuity, a formula that nearly convinces the reader that the obsessions are not so illogical after all. Monk is also outright hilarious—more so than ever. His often painfully humorous and equally serious relationship with Stottlemeyer is golden; Monk admires him greatly but still manages to be completely clueless to Stottlemeyer’s feelings, yet Stottlemeyer never loses faith in Monk. It is a pleasure to read.

Thank you for the great review, KC!

What’s Next, Diagnosis Murder?

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I can think of a lot of TV shows that would make great movies, but TJ HOOKER isn't one of them. But Variety reports that director Chuck Russell, writers Brent Maddock & S.S. Wilson,  and series creator Rick Husky are mounting  a big screen remake of the cheesy, 1980s  William Shatner series, which ran for four seasons on ABC. Hey, maybe they can get Chris Pine to play Hooker.

Mr. Monk and the Fireworks

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More MONK book reviews came in today. Author James Reasoner blogged about MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP, which comes out on Tuesday. He said, in part:

As always, Lee Goldberg has the voices of the characters down perfectly and spins his yarn in smooth, often funny, and occasionally poignant prose. The plot has just the right level of complexity. There are a lot of excellent tie-in novels out there (the level of writing in the genre has never been higher than it is right now), but the Monk books are some of the very best. Don’t miss MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP.

Thanks, James. Cynthia Lea Clark at Futures Magazine gave two earlier MONK books some love. She liked MR. MONK GOES TO GERMANY a lot. She said, in part:

Lee Goldberg continues his extension of the MONK television series with MR. MONK GOES TO GERMANY. [He] paints a perfect written picture of MONK. It is as if you are there with Monk, Natalie, and in this case Dr. Kroger.  I am a true fan, and Mr. Goldberg does not let me down! He is MONK perfect! […] If you like MONK, you’ll love MR. MONK GOES TO GERMANY. It is well written, easy to read, and a great escape. Lee Goldberg has written another wonderful novel. Excellent!

And she liked MR. MONK IS MISERABLE just as much. Her comments included:

Monk, garbage, and murder what a combination! It works! […] Goldberg has the nuances, the mannerisms, and the style down pat. His writing is so real and so vivid that Monk is right there with you, cleaning up after you and making sure you are holding Lee’s book at the correct angle! On a scale of 1 to 5. I give it a 5.

Thanks, Cynthia! 

Spenser For Hire…Again

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Robert B. Parker reports on his blog that he's in talks to remake bring back Spenser to TV…again, only this time it will be a remake of the SPENSER FOR HIRE series. Somehow I missed this news, which isn't new. On April 23rd, he wrote:

we are in negotiation for a remake of the SPENSER: FOR HIRE series to be produced by SONY/DREAMWORKS, and shown on TNT. There is often a slip twixt cup and lip in Los Angeles, but so far things are promising.

And in an update on May 29th, he said the project was still alive:

Negotiations continue on the Spenser For Hire front. The mills of Hollywood grind exceeding fine. But I have no reason to think it won't happen in awhile.

Not only that, but Parker reports he's adding a new character to the Spenser mix.

I am currently writing a book with the working title SIXKILL in which a new character joins Spenser's world. Probably be out next year.

I am excited about the remake news. SPENSER FOR HIRE will always be special to me…my first produced TV episode was for that series.

Norton Hell, The Sequel

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Norton_Logo A Senior Technical Expert from Norton's Senior Technical Experts Department in Mumbai called me tonight with a resolution to my problem…or so he promised. All he needed to do was take control of my computer. I asked him how long this would take. He said one-to-two-hours. Since I was hard at work on my book, and producing the worst crap imagineable, I said sure, let's do it.

As you may recall, I was having trouble with Norton 360, which locked up my computer when it tried to clean my registry. Over the weekend I downloaded CCleaner and used it to fix my registry without a hitch. But I didn't tell him that. I wanted to see what the Senior Technical Support Expert would do.

Here is what he did once he got control of my computer…he ran Norton 360 and it cleaned my registry without locking up. He called me back to inform me that he had solved the problem.

"You haven't solved anything," I said.

"Yes, now it is working because I solved it."

"All you did was run the program again," I said. "You didn't actually DO anything."

"It wasn't working before and now it is because I have resolved the issue."

"It's working because over the weekend I ran CCleaner on the registry," I said. "You didn't provide a solution.  CCleaner did. I had to use different software."

"The Norton product is now working due to our previous technical support action and the resolution I conducted today. I am glad I was able to resolve the issue. Is there anything more I can help you with today?"

I decided to see just how well Norton actually worked.  While he was still on the phone, and sharing control of my computer (meaning he could see my screen in real-time), I ran CCleaner on the registery…and it found 578 errors.*

So I asked the Norton Senior Technical Expert how come there were still 578 errors if Norton had just fixed my registry and corrected all the errors.

"It is a different program," he said.

"Yes, but if Norton fixed my registry, there shouldn't be any errors for another program to find."

"It is fixing different errors," he said.

"You mean Norton only fixes some Registry errors and not others."

"No, Norton fixes them all."

"That's not what you just said."

"We ran the Norton test and it fixed all the errors."

"Except the 578 that CCleaner found,"  I said.

"That is incorrect. May I close this case now that I have successfully resolved this issue for you?"

Unbelievable.

*Since I initially ran CCleaner over the weekend, I installed the update of Roxio Easy Media Creator 10, which locked up, and I  had to delete it and reinstall it with my original program disc, so that probably accounts for those new registry new errors. By the way, Roxio will fuck up your computer even more than Norton will. Stay the hell away from Roxio!

Norton Hell, Minute by Agonizing Minute

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If you would like to experience the living hell that is Norton Technical Support, scroll down to the last entry and read from the bottom up to the top. 

  1. I'm told that "The Senior Technical Experts Department specialized for Norton Product" (that's a direct quote) will call me.this is surreal.4:26 PM Jun 25th from web

        

  2. ok, 3 hrs plus is enough. I'm done. Time to find that link for the Norton Removal Tool…that's the more effective resolution.4:21 PM Jun 25th from web

  3. Mr. Norton Support is running the program again. And it still doesn't work. I bet he will seek an even more effective resolution.4:16 PM Jun 25th from web

  4. if I stay on w/Norton much longer, Madonna & David Hasselhoff are in jeopardy.4:09 PM Jun 25th from web

  5. I've been on w/Norton Support for so long that the 70s officially died. RIP Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett.4:07 PM Jun 25th from web

  6. watching the norton support person reboot me from afar. We have just entered the third hour of support. How long until I can call Guinness?4:05 PM Jun 25th from web

  7. He can't figure out what's wrong.He doesn't know how to fix it.He will seek an even more effective resolution.How could anyone achieve that?3:56 PM Jun 25th from web

  8. he looked but didn't touch. we are fast approaching my 3rd unproductive hr w/ Norton support. I just asked him what's up. Guess his reply…3:52 PM Jun 25th from web

  9. now he's going into control panel. going to programs & features. looking at what I have. I feel naked & exposed.3:43 PM Jun 25th from web

  10. Uh-oh. The program isn't working. I guess we're going to need "a more effective resolution" than just running it AGAIN.3:41 PM Jun 25th from web

  11. he's running the program AGAIN. Does he think repetition is the answer? Yeah, that's it. Just keep doing it until it works. MORON!3:38 PM Jun 25th from web

  12. this isn't online sex. It's married sex.3:37 PM Jun 25th from web

  13. oh, just heard from him. "I am looking for a more effective resolution." More effective than no resolution at all? Good idea!3:36 PM Jun 25th from web

  14. I think my Norton Support person is seeking some support himself.I've been on line w/him for over 30 minutes now & have accomplished nothing3:35 PM Jun 25th from web

  15. nothing is happening. The cursor isn't moving. Oh my. Has he lost hope? I know I have.3:25 PM Jun 25th from web

  16. He seems lost. He's just moving the cursor around my desktop in lonely desperation. I can relate, Rajneesh.3:23 PM Jun 25th from web

  17. I wonder if this was what Michael Jackson was doing when he had his heart attack.3:19 PM Jun 25th from web

  18. what do you know, it's not working. I wonder if Norton Support will recommend that I contact Norton support.3:18 PM Jun 25th from web

  19. he's running the program again. I guess he wants to see if I really have a problem or am just doing this for kicks.3:16 PM Jun 25th from web

  20. if so, it may be good for him but it's not good for me.3:16 PM Jun 25th from web

  21. our computers are now connected remotely. am I experiencing online sex?3:14 PM Jun 25th from web

  22. he's offering to take control of my computer remotely. maybe he can write my book for me too.3:10 PM Jun 25th from web

  23. he's offering me the pre-packaged/pre-written content so far. Let's see what happens when he actually has to type something himself.3:06 PM Jun 25th from web

  24. On with Norton Mumbai again. Either I am a gluton for punishment or I am procrastinating on my book. You decide.3:03 PM Jun 25th from web

  25. @symantecnews norton360. I just disconnected after ten minutes of radio silence from India…on top of 2 hrs wasted. Terrible "support."12:22 PM Jun 25th from web in reply to symantecnews

  26. Sreejeeth @ symantec has disappeared. haven't heard from him in almost 10 minutes.I guess it's break time in New Delhi. I'm done. Bye Norton12:20 PM Jun 25th from web

  27. Somebody should make Bernie Madoff contact Symantec support.12:15 PM Jun 25th from web

  28. this isn't support. it's punishment.12:14 PM Jun 25th from web

  29. "I see you are having problems with scanning of registry with Norton program not working correct." AHHHHH!12:12 PM Jun 25th from web

  30. I'm on w/Sreejeeth @ Symantec now. Whenever he goes off script he's got a 3rd grader's grasp of English. God help me.12:11 PM Jun 25th from web

  31. now im on with mohammad. he is escalating the case. i am blessed12:03 PM Jun 25th from web

  32. @symantecnews No. I've just spent over an hour repeating steps I did BEFORE I called support. Now i'm told he can't resolve it. Duh.12:00 PM Jun 25th from web in reply to symantecnews

  33. Now Shareef is informing me that "I am unable to resolve the issue and will transfer to a supervisor." Am I looking at another hour of HELL?11:59 AM Jun 25th from web

  34. now Shareef is trying to isolate the issue. Good idea, Shareef. Should have tried that an hour ago.11:58 AM Jun 25th from web

  35. ran program again. Problem still not fixed. Apparently all these symantec support guys know how to do is download updates. a waste of time11:55 AM Jun 25th from web

  36. of course I did all that BEFORE i called tech support.11:55 AM Jun 25th from web

  37. …then we ran live update three times. now we are rebooting.11:51 AM Jun 25th from web

  38. let's see…first we downloaded the same program 3 times, then we ran the program, got the same error I had an hour ago…11:46 AM Jun 25th from web

  39. Now he's running live update again…I guess he forgot we did that five minutes ago.11:42 AM Jun 25th from web

  40. why do i feel like I am giving this moron tech support instead of the other way around??11:40 AM Jun 25th from web

  41. my dog knows more about computers than shareef. i am moments away from just hanging up & walking away from Norton for good.11:39 AM Jun 25th from web

  42. entering my 2nd hr w/shareef in customer support. oh, the bliss11:37 AM Jun 25th from web

  43. "Your desktop is being remotely controlled by Shareef." This is like the Indian version of THE OUTER LIMITS…only much scarier.11:16 AM Jun 25th from web

  44. chatting w/Shareef & Mohammed @ symantec support. It's like dental surgery w/o anesthesia.10:19 AM Jun 25th from web

Mr. Monk and the Dirty Review

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MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP comes out on July 7 but the reviews are already starting to come in. Bill Crider enjoyed this one as much as the previous books, or so he says on his blog today. He says, in part:

Lee Goldberg's books about Monk never let me down. They're always good for a some smiles and laughs, but that's the least of it. I've talked before about the themes of loyalty and friendship in books by other writers, and Robert B. Parker couldn't fill up ten pages without writing about them. People take the themes seriously in other books because, well, the books are serious. Goldberg has a lighter touch, but if you don't think those themes are treated just as seriously in his work, then you should read Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop.

Thank you so much, Bill. I'm flattered. I believe there's one thing that stops the MONK episodes and the books from becoming a slapstick cartoon, that prevents his character from becoming Maxwell Smart or Inspector Clouseau. It's this: amidst all the comedic situations that arise from his OCD, there's always something emotionally true about the stories…something that reveals Monk's essential sadness and grounds the character in reality. Maybe not our reality, but a reality just the same.

The hardest thing for me with the books isn't the mystery or the comedy…it's coming up with that emotional center, the heart-felt conflict that gives some shading to the broad humor. I always try to find something in the story that will put Monk and Natalie's relationship to the test, that will reveal something about who they are, and that will bring them closer together (or give them a deeper understanding of one another). I don't consciously think of a theme, but one seems to reveal itself to me along the way…and then I try not to belabor it or pay attention to it…I prefer to let it emerge on its own as a strand within scenes or in lines of dialogue.

I'm glad that it comes across.

Money Woes in UK TV Biz

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The Guardian reports that series cancellations and budget cuts at ITV are renewing fears about the precarious state of the UK TV Biz.

Having sent the dinosaurs back to extinction earlier in the week, ITV decided to banish the vampires on Friday, cancelling the Saturday evening show Demons only days after Primeval got the axe. A budgetary ice-age seems to be sweeping through UK television – raising fears about British broadcasting’s delicate eco-stystem.

The cuts are not a problem confined to commercial channels. The morning before Demons’ fate was confirmed, the BBC instructed all six of its television networks to find record efficiency savings of 7.5% – over the next five years the channels will lose £1bn from their budgets. And matters are little better at Channel 4. In March, head of programming Julian Bellamy said the broadcaster would like to commission more drama, but there was no money in the budget with which to do so.

[…]Despite ITV performing well in drama this year – it has broadcast the five highest-rating new dramas, Whitechapel, Above Suspicion, Unforgiven, Law & Order: UK and, ironically, Demons – rating success is clearly no longer a measure of survival at the broadcaster. But if ITV is getting rid of relative successes, what will it have left?

There is some good news. ITV renewed LEWIS for a fourth season, which comes as a relief, since early reports were that the hit series was doomed for financial reasons.

The Mail I Get

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I received this email from an agentless, aspiring screenwriter:

I just moved to LA about a year ago.[…]I've hooked up with a producer who is a former exec at a major studio. We talked about an idea he has for a sitcom. I like his idea a lot and I agreed to collaborate with him. The thing is, I've been helping him for a while now and even wrote a pilot, all with nothing but a verbal commitment from him to "do right" by me. I do trust him and we've become friends outside of "work."

Now, I've decided it's time to get more than just a verbal commitment from him. But I am at a loss as to what to ask for.[…] So far I've written a pilot and have helped out with character descriptions and episode outlines. Now he wants me to write another episode. Do you have any advice for someone like me?

Yes, I do. You are being screwed. The producer is taking advantage of your enthusiasm, inexperience and desperation. He should know better…and, if he is truly your friend (and the seasoned exec you say he is), and if he genuinely wanted to "do right" for you, he would have put a deal in writing before you started writing a word…for his protection and yours.

Don't do ANY more work for him or let him send out the script to anyone unless a deal is in place between the two of you.

Since you don't have an agent, you should consult with a lawyer. You should also visit the WGA website and get a copy of the applicable minimums and/or go to the Samuel French Bookstore and get a book on Entertainment industry contracts.

I'm not a lawyer or an agent, but some of the things you should seek are compensation (at least WGA minimums) for the scripts you have written immediately upon sale of the project, a minimum royalty per episode produced (you need to negotiate an amount), a shared created by credit with the producer (though that will be arbitrated by the Guild), a producer credit & salary on the show (whether you provide services or not) and an equal share of any and all monies that the producer is getting for ancillary rights, backend, etc. That's just for starters.