Current Affairs

Monday Chuckles II

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17813888_1Over at Lipstick Chronicles, Harley Jane Kozak talks about her efforts to sell her award winning novel DATING DEAD MEN as a TV series:

Being
clueless, we did what any pair of neophytes would do: we bought a book.
“Writing Treatments That Sell, or, How to Create and Market Your
Story Ideas to the Motion Picture and TV Industry” is written by
Kenneth Atchity and Chi-Li Wong, who assure us that “success comes
through individual effort combined with access and luck . . . . ” Well,
hey. That’s got Wendy and Harley written all over it.

So flash forward a year. Yes, it took Wendy and me a year to write
the treatment—or bible, as Kenneth and Chi-Li tell us it’s called in
television. Put that way, it doesn’t sound so bad. How long do you
suppose King James spent on his bible? Anyhow, that brings us to this
week, the week that we began to Take Meetings.

Her first meeting ended up being with two producers she’d slept with. More than once. But not together. I hate it when that happens.

And over at my brother Tod’s blog, he patiently explains to one of Walter Scott’s readers why Tom Cruise dates Catholic girls.

Catholicism is the second most popular religion in America, with over
63 million guilty fuckers claiming to believe in that particular story
of God. 63 million people, E.B. Do you know what that means? That means
unless you live in Utah, you probably have just as close a connection
to that religion as Tom Cruise does, though you’re not terribly likely
to end up with your face buried in the cross that dangles in Penelope
Cruz’s cleavage, nor will you find yourself running your fingers
through Nicole Kidman’s hair in search of tangled rosaries nor can you
expect to find yourself sailing along Katie Holmes’ Dawson Creek. Why?
Because the connection Tom Cruise has to those women is that THEY ARE
BIG TIME FAMOUS ACTRESSES THAT, IN ADDITION, HAPPEN TO BE INCREDIBLY
HOT WHICH, BY NO COINCIDENCE, MR. CRUISE HAPPENS TO BE AS WELL.

Monday Chuckles

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Sarah and Candy, The Smart Bitches Who Love Trashy Novels, are at it again with another hilarious look at romance book covers. Here’s my favorite from today’s round-up, with Sarah’s comments.

Topazdreams

Sarah: “Your face. I want your face.”


“Oh, Brett ba-Havar-nir-Tamir, I want you, too.”


“No, your face. I want your face. Give it to me.”


“My face? But it doesn’t come off!”


“Sure it does. Hold still.”

“Excuse me, Do You Mind if I Puke in Your Book Bag?”

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Author Charlie Huston says there’s no polite way to decline a drink if you want to remain welcome among professional writers at Bouchercon.

Worse fates there
are than to be asked repeatedly, “What are you drinking?” Indeed, for
that first day it was something of a fantasy come to life. Not only
were drinks being purchased for me, but they were being purchased by
people who had read my books, people who had read them and took
occasion from time to time to mumble a word of praise. As I drank deep,
my ego drank deeper.

The only fault with the scenario being on the second day when I
realized I was supposed to repeat my performance as
sloshed-youngish-writer-with-an-attitude, found that I was in far over
my head, and tried to cry uncle.

You’d think I had squatted in the middle of the carpet and shat upon it.

There is, I promise you, no gracious way to bow out of a round that
has been offered by a far more experienced writer than yourself who has
just told you he likes your work. If you ever have the good fortune to
stumble into this situation, humbly nod your head and repeat after me,
“Hell, yeah, I’ll have another fuckin’ Bud, just let me take a quick
puke in this potted palm here, HHrrrruuuuPPP, whew that’s better, now
where was I? Cheers!”

No offense to Charlie, but while that  might be true with a certain clique,  it’s certainly not true of mystery writers, or Bouchercon, as a whole. I’ve been going to Boucheron for years. I don’t drink. But that hasn’t stopped me from being welcomed  in the bar or restaurant to hang out with "big name" authors more experienced and vastly more successful than I am (I don’t say that to brag, but to make a point).  If I am offered a drink, I take a Diet Coke. No one has ever made me feel like a pariah.

I would hate for Bouchercon to be painted as a convention of puking-on-themselves drunks…though drinking certainly seems to be the big issue coming out of the Chicago fest.

As soon as author J.A. Konrath got back from Bouchercon, he began wondering if he drank too much and behaved like a jerk.

But I also heard many negative things about me, some of them from good friends.
Those include drinking too much and acting inappropriately, showing off, being
loud and obnoxious, trying too hard to be funny, and crossing the lines of good
taste.

His post brought him a lot of comments, prompting him to later write:

Why is it when I act like a loudmouth on a panel and drink too much that’s
grounds for excommunication from the mystery world, but when I work my butt off
and do some good, no one cares? Rhetorical question.

I think that is all
that needs to be said.

Not me. I think too many writers drink at these events as much for pleasure as for a ridiculous desire to live up to an  image. Some writers think that drinking to the edge of alcohol poisoning is what hard-ass mystery writers are supposed to do…and if you don’t, or can’t, you’re a fake.

That’s bullshit. It’s trying to live up to a cliche.

Writing is an art, but it’s also a profession. When you’re at Bouchercon, you’re there as an artist and a professional, mingling with authors, fans, publishers, editors and agents.  Is it any wonder you’re judged by how you behave?  Writing is a solitary profession. Most of the time, people can only judge you by your books. On those rare occasions when they can see you in person, you will be making a far bigger impact than you would if they saw you on a regular basis.  If you’re an obnoxious drunk, that’s what people will remember about you.

I’m not saying Joe Konrath was obnoxious or a drunk — I wasn’t there. But I can understand why people are judging him on how he behaved (besides, in his post he invited them to).

I’m sure there was a lot more going on at Bouchercon than writers drinking and puking into their book bags. Besides, is that really the professional image we want to project to the public about mystery writers?

How Bookstores Work

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Authors Tess Gerritsen and Lynn Viehl both take us behind-the-scenes at bookstores today and tell us a little bit about how they work.  It’s fascinating stuff and, as I can attest from personal experience, painfully accurate. Here’s a taste, first from Tess:

For those of you who aren’t in the pub business, you may not realize that the
front octagonal table in B&N is actually PAID display space. (Otherwise
known as paying for "co-op".) Publishers pay for that bit of real estate so that
their new titles can be seen. I don’t know how much it costs them. (If anyone
happens to know the answer to that, I’d love to hear from you privately!)
Ballantine paid for, and expected, VANISH to be displayed on B&N’s front
tables for its first week of sale, yet in up to 40% of B&N stores, my
readers found that the books were shelved at the back of the stores, with no
discount stickers.

Lynn knows why that happens. She’s been a bookseller and says that the "co-op books" are too much work.

From a bookseller’s perspective, shelving is always easier than displaying or
tabling. You can shove books on the store shelves aside to make room for new
arrivals. This opposed to removing last week’s books from the front table,
carting them, and reshelving or store-rooming them before you can haul out and
table the new books. Purchased-space books are double the work.

If a purchased-space book shipment is late? Those books never touch a tabletop.
If the book is overshipped, a manager might get creative with stacking, but
generally they shove the excess copies back in the store room. Jackie Collins
does not want to know how many times a hundred copies of her novel sat showing
their pretty leopard-skin patterned book jackets to nothing more than the
employee coffee maker and concrete walls.

For an author, understanding the business of writing — publishing, promotion and sales — is as important as writing a good book if you want to succeed. Like Lynn, I also worked in a bookstore for a few years and the things I learned are still serving me well today.

Erik Estrada’s Cachet

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A 27-yearold social climber named Danny Estrada is riding the cachet of being Erik Estrada’s son.

Until recently, the aspiring “It” boy was
cutting a smooth path toward the upper reaches of Manhattan’s junior
class hierarchy. The Long Island native—who, by his own account, “looks
exactly like” Erik Estrada—had made a name for himself as a club
promoter. He regularly played host at nightclubs like Marquee, Butter,
Suede and Gypsy Tea.
 
The snag in his celebrity pantyhose was revealed, however, when the New York Daily News
was forced to publish a retraction to a syrupy gossip item which had
ran June 19 under the headline “‘ChiPs’ Off the Old Block.” It featured
Mr. Estrada ostensibly sharing a page from the family scrapbook.
 
“‘My
earliest memory of my father, [‘CHiPs’ star] Erik Estrada,’” the
original item read, “‘is being in the family car with him, stuck in
endless L.A. highway traffic and then suddenly being escorted by two
California Highway Patrolmen on motorcycles,’ recalls TV actor Danny
Estrada …. ‘I asked Dad why the patrolmen were out in front, and he
said he had been a patrolman once himself. For years, I thought Dad was
a cop.’”

The most incredible thing about the story isn’t that Danny Estrada isn’t really Erik Estrada’s son, it’s that Erik Estrada still has any cachet. We’re talking about a has-been actor who hosts infomercials for desolate home sites in Arkanasas…what possible social cachet could he have? If Erik Estrada’s name still has juice, just think how far you’d get saying you’re Greg Evigan’s son. Or the Bear’s.

Frankencop2I can’t be too hard on Erik Estrada, though. He doesn’t take himself too seriously.  He spoofed himself in a cameo on an episode DIAGNOSIS MURDER that Bill Rabkin and I wrote. We had him starring in  a new Stephen J. Cannell series called "Frankencop." We put a scar on his head, bolts on his neck, and stuck him on a Highway Patrol motorcycle.

Speaking of Estrada, I heard a story from a former junior NBC exec who was assigned to make sure Erik Estrada, at the height of his CHIPS stardom, didn’t succeed in seducing a senior NBC exec’s mistress at various industry/network parties. The junior exec always failed, at one point catching the mistress giving Estrada a handjob under the table at some affiliates party. But the junior exec wisely always told the senior exec that, thanks to his vigilance, the mistress and Estrada never were able to hook up.  I don’t know if the anecdote is true, but this former junior NBC exec had a lot of fun telling us  stories about this futile assignment.

Does Book Blog Buzz Sell Books?

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…that’s the question posed by an article in the Christian Science Monitor, which focuses a lot of its attention on Mark Sarvas’ blog The Elegant Variation.

Although no one’s exactly sure how influential they are, bloggers like Sarvas
have become the new darlings of the publishing industry. They’re getting free
review copies, landing interviews with prestigious authors, and trying to boost
obscure writers – especially writers in the literary fiction world where John
Irving is a bigger name than John Grisham. Still, plenty of sophisticated readers don’t know a blog from a podcast…

…In years past, literary discussions were largely limited to academia and the
occasional book club, says Sarvas of The Elegant Variation. "What the blogs have
really done is encourage inclusion, encourage people from all walks of life to
join the conversation."

But is anyone listening? Many book bloggers seem to be talking only to
themselves, judging by the dearth of postings by outsiders on their sites. And
it’s hard to tell if bloggers’ mash notes translate into sales at Barnes &
Noble.

What do you think? Are blogs changing the way you pick the books you’re going to buy?

Mandroid

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Mann_steve_erhardt_dpaHollywood hairdresser Steve Erhardt has spent $250,000 on 30 cosmetic surgeries  and this is the result. Frightening, isn’t it? ET Online reports:

What started in 1987 as a nose job soon became an obsession. Steve went to the same doctor that worked on Michael Jackson,
and intending only to get rhinoplasty, he also ended up getting a cleft
chin. From there, Steve went on to get a facelift and lid work and has
since added such things as pec implants, bicep implants (he was the
first person to ever have that type of work done) and even painful butt
implants, one of the most difficult surgeries to perform for both
doctor and patient.

What does he look like now?

163x228_kendoll_050817_se"A Mandroid!"

"A freak!"

"A gay cyborg!"

"Hunter Tylo!"

False Advertising

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Scop_reviseA while back, author Sandra Scoppettone blogged about how the back cover of her THIS DAME FOR HIRE galley promised booksellers all kinds of advertising and promotion to support the book… which never happened. Why? Because they were lies and publishers assume booksellers won’t notice. Her editor even copped to it:

He said he knows it’s a problem and he’s talked about it at meetings.  Not
just my book, but the whole process.  He’s even said, “Why can’t we be honest?” 
I’m surprised he wasn’t fired for that.

I’m surprised they think booksellers are that stupid.