Me Me Me

You can watch the SPENSER: FOR HIRE episode "If You Knew Sammy," the first produced teleplay by me & William Rabkin, here. It's absolutely free and features future movie star William H. Macy in a supporting role, which he would reprise in our sequel episode, "Play it Again, Sammy" (which was a back-door pilot).

Five hundred people, mostly women, showed up to see fifty male mystery authors at the 9th annual Men of Mystery luncheon and booksigning in Irvine today. During the autograph session, I was sitting at a table signing books with Thomas Greanias and my brother Tod when a guy came up to me to ask a question…

"My wife read a Monk book you wrote, I don't know which one, but he was wearing a raincoat."

"Okay,"  I said.

"She thought it was terrible.  Have you written a Monk book that's good?"

"And she thinks your brother is fat and that you're stupid," Tod said to me.

I laughed. The guy looked at Tod. "I don't understand."

"You just came over here and told Lee that your wife hated his book."

The guy looked at Tod with a bewildered expression on his face. "That's why I want to know which one is good." He looked at me. "Can you recommend one?"

"What didn't she like about the book?" I asked.

"She said it was very, very dark."

"My Monk book," I said.

"Yes," he said. "The one with the raincoat."

"Oh, that must be the Monk book I wrote about pedophilia," I said.

To be honest, I forgot what was said after that though I remember that my brother was busy typing on his Blackberry, giggling to himself as he updated his Facebook page with the conversation.

Later, at the end-of-the-day signing, a woman came up to me and asked:

"Did Dick Van Dyke have any medical training?"

"No," I said.

"Then how was he able to play a doctor on TV?"

"He was acting," I said.

"You can do that?"

"Tobey Maguire wasn't bitten by a spider and imbued with super powers and he was able to play Spiderman."

She shook her head in astonishment. ""Weren't you worried about getting sued by people? What if they followed his advice and got killed?"

"Then they were too dumb to live," I said. "Natural selection."

She walked away. I think she was insulted.

Finally, at the cocktail reception for the authors, a woman standing beside me said hello.

"I'm Carole," she tugged at the name tag on her chest. "Want an excuse to stare at my boobs?"

"Do I need one?" I asked.

"It helps," she said.

"I'm a happily married man," I said. "The only boobs I'm allowed to stare at are my wife's."

I walked away and immediately told the story to Col. Bob Levinson and Alan Jacobson and pointed the woman out to them. I'm not sure, but I think Bob rushed over there for a look.

This was the first day of the South Carolina Writer's Conference and I was kept pretty busy. I managed to sneak in a long walk on the beach before the rains came (which have lasted all day and into the night) and my three-hour  "Breaking Into TV Writing" seminar.   I had a great class of aspiring writers and don't have a single stupid question to share with you — though one guy did walk out when I told him I wasn't interested in reading his scripts or his novel-in-progress. I am constantly surprised by how many people read this blog — three people came up and chatted with me about posts they enjoyed or things that they've learned. One woman thanked me for steering her away from making a very expensive mistake with a vanity press. She was so anxious to get her novel published and the vanity press seemed like an attractive short cut to her — but then she realized it was her desperation talking and not her good sense. It made me feel really good to know I saved at least one person from those scammers.

I am on my way to Myrtle Beach, SC to speak & teach at the South Carolina Writer's Conference. Other speakers/teachers include authors Michael Connelly and James O. Born and editors from St. Martins, HarperCollins, Little Brown, Random House and Thomas Dunne as well as a slew of agents. There's also going to be a rep there from Book Surge, and I've already warned the conference that I will be strongly advising aspiring writers to avoid vanity presses.

I've got to get up at 3:30 in the morning to make my flight…and since I usually go to bed around 1 or 2, I might just forgo sleep altogether and try to nap on the plane.

I've never been to Myrtle Beach and I'm really looking forward to it. I have a pretty busy schedule over the next four days, so I don't know if I will have a chance to post while I am there.