Looking for the Short Cut

I got this email today:

Hello Lee,
               My name is Mark Coulter, pen name M.W.C. Coulter. I recently
wrote a book and got it published through "Publish America". I have been on one
book signing and have two others upcoming. The book is called "The Folding of
Time", about two astronauts on a first deep space mission, they encounter an
anomaly, wormhole, that takes them on a journey through time and alternate
universes.I would like some advice of how to contact studios’ on making this into a
series or movie. Can you give me some advice on how to do this?
                                                        Sincerely
Mark.

First off, you never should have gone to PublishAmerica. You were looking for a short cut and this one leads to a dead end as you’ve undoubtedly discovered. You could contact various studios and production companies, ask for the names and addresses of their development executives, and send them your book.  Ordinarily, you’d have a one-in-a-million shot of selling the movie or TV rights. But since it’s a self-published, POD book, your odds against  interesting any studio in it have probably become one-in-a-billion.  I don’t know if your book is good or bad, but unfortunately, no one in Hollywood is going to take PublishAmerica title (or any vanity press publication)  seriously. 

On the other hand, if you can sell 10,000 copies, get some great reviews from respected publications, and get a bunch of newspapers and magazines to write profiles about you, that could change. That’s what happened with ERAGON... and the movie is in production now (of course, ERAGON wasn’t a PublishAmerca, iUniverse, or xlibris POD title, either).

UPDATE (10-12-05): I got this reply. My reply follows.

Well how about if I write another manuscript, on a movie idea not associated with the
book, and send it in raw and unpublished? Would I stand a better chance of
getting a read?

Nope.  Studios buy hot novels (ie bestselling and well reviewed) and
they buy scripts. They buy pitches, but only from established screenwriters
which, I assume, you are not. So, if I were you, I’d write a script. Even then,
though, you need an agent to submit it to the studios on your behalf.  They certainly aren’t going to read a raw, unpublished manuscript from an unknown writer…at least not without a powerful agent, producer, director or actor attached to it.

A Touch of Class

Today, for reasons I will never understand, I got an email offering me the amazing opportunity to buy an I DREAM OF JEANNIE bottle autographed by the cast:

The incomparable magnetism of this 2nd-thru 5th Season Metallic Purple I Dream
of Jeannie Brass Bottle is a must-! YES, Dreams DO come true, as you will
discover upon adding this classic and breathtaking Jeannie Bottle to your
collection.

ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY!
A "SIGNED LIMITED EDITION" SIGNED BY BARBARA
EDEN, LARRY HAGMAN, BILL DAILY, AND THE OFFICIAL BOTTLE ARTIST!
"YES" SIGNED BY THE CAST JUST FOR “YOU”!!!!!!
THIS IS THE OFFICIAL 40TH ANNIVERSARY BOTTLE, METALIC PURLE, BRASS
GALLERY EDITION ‘I DREAM OF JEANNIE’ BOTTLE!

It’s hard to believe, but for the cost of self-publishing your unsaleable book, you can have this amazing bottle! That’s right…you can own this masterpiece for just  $549! But wait, there’s MORE! Foronly $25, you can get a priceless photo of the celebrities signing your bottle! But wait, there’s even more MORE reasons to buy this destined-for-the-Louvre artistic masterpiece of fine art!

MOST IMPORTANTLY, BECAUSE 10% WILL ALSO GO TO VICTIMS OF HURRICANE KATRINA, AND
WHAT A WAY TO HELP SOMEONES WISH COME TRUE, BUT WITH A JEANNIE BOTTLE!

Don’t waste a second.  Think how wonderful this will look next to your STAR TREK salt shakers, Elvis ashtray, and BABYLON 5 nosehair clippers. It’s just the touch of elegance your basement needs. Show your parents that although you never moved out of the house, you’ve got class.

Room 222

Enrollment has begun for our next online session of Beginning Television Writing. The four-week course begins Oct. 24th and is a lot of fun…at least for your humble instructors. Here’s the listing from Writers University:

In this four week course, two established executive producers/showrunners
[That would be William Rabkin and me ] will give you an inside look at the world of episodic television. You will
learn—and practice— the actual process involved in successfully writing a spec
episodic script that will open doors across Hollywood. You will learn how to
analyze a TV show and develop “franchise”-friendly story ideas. You will develop
and write a story under the direction of the instructors, who will be acting as
showrunners… and then, after incorporating their notes, you will be sent off to
write your outline. Finally, you will develop and refine your outline with the
instructors, leaving you at the end of the course ready to write your episodic
spec script…the first step in getting a job on a TV series.

We look forward to seeing your in our virtual classroom.

The Long Journey to Publication

I got this comment here yesterday regarding my new book THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE:

I noticed in the comments on Paul’s site that it two years of wading
through rejections and the like, to the point you wondered that it may
just sit in your drawyer for all of time – I would be most interested
to hear more about this journey from you, what your thoughts were on
why it didn’t find a home in the beginning, what obstacles you faced
with it, etc. I think many have the idea that established, published
writers don’t have to deal with that once they’ve broken in and gotten
published.

Succeeding with a book or two doesn’t  mean everything you write from now on will get published.  The publishing business today is brutal. There are many well-known authors who wrote a book outside their established series or genre and, as a result, either had to fight to get it published, had to switch publishers for the title, or couldn’t get it published at all. And there are many acclaimed, mid-list authors who have had their long-running, successful series dropped and are fighting to get back in print again (often having to resort to using a pseudonym to avoid being damned by sales figures of their last few books).

THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE is about a guy who learns everything he knows about being a PI from reading books and watching TV shows. It’s about the clash between fictional expectations/stereotypes and reality. The book is something of a spoof…and yet, at the same time, a straight-ahead crime novel full of explicit sex and violence. That shifting tone made the book a hard sell…because it didn’t fit into a particular marketing niche. Is it a satire? Is it a PI novel? Is it a thriller?

Most of  the editors who rejected the book praised the writing but didn’t see where it would fit in their publishing line.  There were two editors at major houses who loved it and wanted to acquire it…but  couldn’t convince their superiors. Another wrote a LONG rejection letter, saying how much she loved it, that it was the best PI novel she’d read, and how it pained her not to be able to publish it. (In the mean time, I wrote a screenplay version of the book, which landed me the gig writing the DAME EDNA movie. It never got made, but it was a very big payday for me and my first solo screenwriting job outside of episodes of TV shows I’ve produced).

It was frustrating not being able to sell the book because I felt it was the best novel I’ve ever written. I loved writing it and I very much wanted to write more about Harvey Mapes, the main character. At the same time, I couldn’t whine too much, because I have been doing well with the DIAGNOSIS MURDER books. Of course I approached my DM editors about BADGE…but as much as they like me, and my work, they weren’t willing to take the gamble (I’m hoping they will consider the paperback rights now that the book has been so well reviewed).

Finally, after two years of  shopping the book, we took it to Thomson/Gale/Five Star,  which has  a reputation for putting out fine mysteries…and for being a place  where  published authors can find a home for their "dropped" series and unpublished works.   It’s an imprint run by writers (like founder Ed Gorman) and editors (like legendary book packager Martin Greenberg)  who truly love books and appreciate authors. They produce handsome hard-covers that are respected and reviewed by the major industry publications. I had a great experience with them on THE WALK (another book that was a hard sell)  and I knew they would treat THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE well.

The downsides with Five Star are that they pay a  low advance, they primarily serve the library market and have very limited distribution to bookstores (though they are stocked in most independant mystery bookstores). The only way to get your title in a Barnes & Noble or Borders is to have an event in one of their stores.  Still, it’s possible to win wide acclaim and impressive sales with a Five Star title, as my friend Robert Levinson proved last year with ASK A DEAD MAN, an LA Times Bestseller that won a starred Publishers Weekly review.

The hope with a Five Star title is that it will be well-reviewed, sell big within Five Star’s limited market, perhaps get an Edgar nod (or the equivalent from RWA, WWA, etc), and get enough notice that a larger house will pick-up the mass market paperback or foreign rights.

Success can open a lot of doors, and make the experience smoother, but unless you’re at the Stephen King/Janet Evanovich/Michael Connelly level, it by no means guarantees a free ride.

Today is Pub Day

1594143722_1Prepare yourself for same blatant self-promotion…but I think I’m allowed.

Today is the official publication date of THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE, which should start appearing in finer mystery bookstores nationwide, like Mystery Book Store, Mysteries to Die For, and Murder By The Book. You can also order if from Amazon. Here are some excerpts from the pre-publication reviews:

"As dark and twisted as anything as anything Hammett or Chandler ever dreamed
up…leaving Travis McGee in the dust" Kirkus Reviews Starred Review

"Approaching the level of Lawrence Block is no mean feat, but Goldberg (the
Diagnosis Murder series) succeeds with this engaging PI novel…" Publishers Weekly

"A
convincing, even moving tale about the real nature of the SoCal streets and
the real nature of heroism," Ed Gorman

"Likeable loser Harvey Mapes is my new favorite private eye, the guy with the dead-end job who longs to be Mannix or Travis McGee.  I hope the folks in charge of the Shamus nominations are paying attention." Victor Gischler

"Violent, often crude, sometimes hilarious and ultimately touching, this book is
a great homage to the Gold Medal paperbacks of the 1950s and 1960s." Clair Lamb, Mystery Bookstore newsletter

A witty, wicked and dare I say wise little book. Lee Goldberg shows off more than just his funny bone here. He reveals a keen eye for the wrenching heartbreaks and triumphs that forge heroes" David Corbett

"Lee Goldberg’s ‘The Man in the Iron-On Badge’ is a very funny book about the ironclad LA class system, life in a security guard’s shack, and the crucial differences between violence as
experienced on a TV show and in real life. " Scott
Phillips

"A quick fun read with a satisfying and unexpected ending. Harvey Mapes is a hero I  hope we see in a sequel." Phillip
Margolin

"A clever, witty and intelligent parody of, and homage to, the PI genre." Robert
Randisi

"Lee Goldberg is a sly and funny writer, with a warm heart and an ease with words. 
He never disappoints." SJ Rozan

"This book starts out as a fine example of the humorous “lovable schmoe”
school of detective fiction, and Goldberg does a good job with that part of it, but then it takes a sudden turn into darker and more dangerous territory and becomes even better…"James Reasoner

"The book is about Harvey’s discovery that real-life crime isn’t like
the fictional variety at all. At first, the differences are played for
laughs, but when Harvey’s case takes a tragic turn, Lee never loses his
footing. Harvey actually matures on the page, a transformation made
evident in the character’s distinctive voice." Vince Keenan

"Goldberg is funny in this rip on pop culture, PI cliches, and
California culture…a laugh-out-loud example of what the best PI
novels should be."  James Winter, Reflections in a Private Eye

I Found a “Fucktard’

Weekly27Each Sunday, my brother Tod dissects the letters to Parade Magazine’s Walter Scott and, from among that collection of idiots, christens someone a "fucktard." But this week, I’ve got Tod beat, whether he picks Jan G. from San Diego ("Robert Redford is as blond as ever. Why doesn’t he let his hair go gray?") or E. Zimmerman of Amana Iowa ("What’s with those tabloid photos of Jennfer Aniston cuddling Vince Vaughn? Are the two lovers?").Fred_thompson Because the biggest fucktard of all this Sunday won’t be found in Parade but in the TV Q&A column in the TV Times. J. Higa of Carson, California asks:

I see former Sen. Fred Thompson in the news and he looks just like the Fred Thompson on the TV show "Law and Order." Is he the same person?

No, Mr. or Mrs. Higa, it’s not the same person. They are identical twins with identical names, you fucktard.

What is Foreplay?

Here’s some sex advice from my sister Linda, amateur Sex Inspector:

While most women in America (or at least every woman we know) seem to be
totally irritated by their husbands making moves on them while they
make dinner, do dishes or are otherwise engaged in anything that requires both
hands (putting the cover on the duvet),  women in England don’t seem bothered by
it. What is that about? Being groped while you chop carrots is not
foreplay! Foreplay would be the husband coming into the kitchen and
announcing that you should go watch all those episodes of Oprah and Laguna Beach
that you TIVO’d while he does the dishes and folds the laundry.