The Mail I Get

The Mail I Get

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I got this today from someone asking about Advance Reader Copies of books, commonly known as ARCs.

I'd like to know how far in advance authors/publishers generally send out ARCs. If they only do it for a review, do they wait to hear back before printing, or just go ahead?
If they want a blurb, do they state so with ARC and wait for it, or do they do all of this earlier than the regular ARCs?

ARCs are sent out three to four months before publication. If the ARC is
being sent out for an author's blurb, there is, of course, a letter
accompanying it along with a deadline for receiving the quote. That
said, nobody sends out an ARC to someone for a blurb without the author or
publisher contacting the person first to see if they are willing to read it and
if they can make the deadline. 

If the ARC is being sent out for review, it's not to gather blurbs for the cover. The purpose of sending an ARC out for a review is to get a review. Nobody expects that the reviews will be
published in time for use on the book cover. That's because critics are reviewing the books for readers, so the reviews are usually published when the book is actually available for purchase (the exception are trade publications like Publishers Weekly, Kirkus and Booklist…and sometimes its possible to get the review on the cover in time for publication).

The Mail I Get

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I get two or three emails a day like this from strangers:

Forgive the intrusion. I want to connect with you and request your expertise as to the best way to pitch a series treatment to the cable and over the air TV networks.

I'm sure you've heard this story before. I have a treatment for a 60 minute scripted, dramatic series. […]My treatment is registered with the WGA and I have an NDA that I can send to anyone interested in reading it. Do you have any suggestions on who to approach and how? I realize I have no track record, but, I'm certain it will grab someone in the first 30 seconds.

I don't have time to answer the question individually for people, so I usually refer them to my book SUCCESSFUL TELEVISION WRITING and to this old blog post. Afterwards, they either tell me their situation is special because their Really Great Idea for a Television Series is the Best Really Great Idea for a Television Series to come along in decades…or they call me a jerk for not offering to read their Really Great Idea for a Television Series, refer them to my agent, and give them the names of people to contact in the industry.

And so it goes. You've heard it all before from me, again and again, and it's getting as tiresome for you to read about it as it is for me to deal with it. 

But this time I'm leading up to a variation I received on the usual request and I think the exchange is worth sharing with you. I got the following email a few days ago:

I'm writing you because I read your blog and I thought that you would be a great source for information on finding writers. I am currently looking for writers for a couple projects that I'd like to produce and/or pitch and I was wondering if you could give me advice on finding writers for TV and Film. Are there any great messages boards or events to attend? Also, I know you're not a lawyer, but how should I protect my ideas and the writers ideas/work if they were to send me anything. Hope you can help!

That was a new twist on the old question for me. So I replied:

First, let me ask you a couple of blunt questions…with no offense
intended (these are questions you need to ask yourself, too, before
setting out to work with writers). What does a writer need you for?
What is the incentive for a writer work with you developing your ideas
into screenplays or pitches…as opposed to just trying to sell his
own ideas? You mention that you'd like to produce…but do you have
any actual producing experience?

I got a very nice reply, but it was clear that she was still missing the point of my questions:

I appreciate you taking the time to get back to me. I'm actually an actress here in LA and I see so many voids on TV and in Film and it's really been frustrating me lately. I have several projects/ideas that I'd like to put together, not for me to act in, but to produce to fill those voids, specifically, in single camera comedy for TV. I don't have any connections in Hollywood or producing experience, but I have the passion and desire to do what I need to do to make things happen. Also, I know people with producing experience who would be more than willing to help me along the way. The only problem is, I'm not a writer and I feel that writing for TV, especially comedy, requires great skills. If all else fails, I will write. I just thought that in LA there has to be writers that are looking to get their work out there as well and who are trying to target the same audience that I'd like to reach. This is my reason for reaching out to writers.

Here's an excerpt from my response:

Please don't take offense at what I am about to say, I just want to be
honest and straight-forward with you, it is not my intent to insult
you or hurt your feelings.

In Hollywood, ideas are cheap and execution is everything. What is
NYPD BLUE? A bunch of cops in NY solving crimes. ABC didn't buy the
idea…they bought Steven Bochco doing cops in NY solving crimes. What
is EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND? A married guy with kids whose parents live
across the street. CBS didn't buy the idea….they bought popular
standup comic Ray Romano and veteran comedy writer/producer Phil
Rosenthal executing that idea. What is BOSTON LEGAL? A bunch of
lawyers in Boston. ABC didn't buy the idea…they bought David E.
Kelley doing lawyers in Boston. The networks buy voice and experience
and relationships and proven success. I'm saying all that because what
you have are ideas…and you are looking for writers to flesh them
out. But since you aren't a writer, and you aren't (as far as I know)
an actress who has a huge following or production deals, you don't
really bring anything to the party, so-to-speak. You don't have the
voice, experience, the relationships, or the proven success.

The best way for you to find writers is to network among your friends.
Perhaps you can find a friend of a friend of a friend who has writing
talent but lacks inspiration (perhaps a friend of one of those producers you know)
You need to find someone who wants to
work with you because they like you on a personal level…not because
you are offering any real opportunity…because, let's face it, you
aren't.

Why not try writing the scripts yourself…why wait until "all else fails?"

I haven't heard back from her yet, but I'll update this post if I do.

The Mail I Get

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There’s something almost as bad as the complete strangers who want you to read their unpublished manuscripts, read their scripts, and listen to their pitches. It’s the people who expect you to be at their beck-and-call for discussion, whether you want to talk with them or not, simply because you are in the public eye. Here’s an example.

I got an email from a stranger on Facebook who wanted to share with me a bad experience she had with a vanity press. She wrote, in part:

My name is X and I had a book published with XYZ. Please tell me more of what you know. Having my story published didn’t feel like a skam. I had to do all the editing, which I knew nothing about. It was a long process only because I was learning as I went along. […] Yes they try to get you to buy alot of thier gimmicks. Afraid I fell for a couple because we want to believe it will help sell our books. Have any good advice for me?

I replied, in part:

My advice is NEVER pay to be published. You are throwing your money away. As far as XYZ goes, they are a vanity press and they prey on the desperation and gullibility of aspiring authors. They will tell you whatever lie you want to hear as long as your credit card is valid

She took issue with that and wrote me another email. Here’s an excerpt:

You made a remark that has really bothered me. It came across as degrading talented authors, saying we were being taken for a ride. That we were desperate and our desperation was making us gullible, really sounding like we are all stupid. I see you have accomplished a great deal with your writing. I am sure a lot of self pub. authors are doing as well. I’m working on that my self with my book. I’ve had great responses and reviews. I was not desperate. I just wanted a fast way to get my book out.

I ignored it because I had nothing more I wanted to say. So, she started nagging me for a response by posting comments on my Facebook wall every few days, like this one:

Still waiting Lee.
Please tell me you’re a nice guy.

So, in other words, by not responding to her email and her constant nagging, I am, by default, not a nice guy. Josh Olson was right in his essay when he says you really can’t win with these people. You are damned if you respond and damned if you don’t. So here is what I wrote:

That last line — “I just wanted a fast way to get my book out” pretty much explains why you got taken by a vanity press. The truth is, that very few self-pub authors are doing well…99.9% of them never even come close to making back their investment. The only ones who make money going to vanity presses are the vanity presses. I’m sorry if you were offended by my remark but the fact is, regardless of how talented you are, you were gullible and naive…and, by your own admission, desperate (“I justed wanted a fast way to get my book out”). XYZ counts on people like you.

One other thing, a bit of advice on dealing with authors and people you don’t know: I don’t work for you. I am not your child, your teacher, or your shrink. I am responding to this email as a courtesy. Chiding me repeatedly on my Facebook page as if I am your employee, or as if I have nothing better to do than talk with you, is NOT a way to win friends or influence people.

Believe it or not, I have other priorities in my life …all of which are more important than responding to a complete stranger who didn’t hear what she wanted to hear about her self-publishing mistake…and instead of leaving it at that, decided that nagging me was a bright idea.

I fully expect to get an email back where she tells me her tale of woe and then informs me that I am an insensitive prick who doesn’t want to help others.

UPDATE 10/11/2009: I don’t know whether she read this post or not, but I heard back from her. She did end up telling me her tale of woe, and about all the hard work she put into the book…but instead of calling me I’m a jerk, she apologized very politely:

Please accept my apology. I am not the person you have perceived me to be. I would like to be a friend. If you don’t I will understand. I am no one special, not looking for fame. I do admire anyone that writes for a living. It’s not easy. I feel really bad for the way I went about trying to interact with a stranger. We both felt like we were being disrespected.

UPDATE 10/13/2009:I didn’t reply to her apology. So I got this email from her today:

Alot of my facebook friends that are alot more famous than you, did not like what you said. You could have posted an apology as I did.

Some people never learn. She doesn’t realize it, but she is exactly the person I perceived her to be.

I Will Not Read Your F–king Script, Part 2

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Yesterday, I talked about how Josh Olson wrote a great piece explaining why he won't reading your script…and that, on the same day that I read his article, I had an experience that proved him right. Here's what happened. A stranger wrote me:

I have a great idea for a TV series…oops, you've heard that a million times. But really I do. Can I send you the Treatment I have written and get some help pitching it?

I replied:

Nope. (And you are the 27th person to ask me that today. No kidding. And the day isn't over yet).

…and I sent him a link to Olson's piece. And within minutes, he was twittering things like this:

Sick of arrogant TV writers who write crap that we have to watch on TV.

And this:

I am talking about Lee Goldberg…what a f'n snob…and he sucks.

Today, he sent me this note:

I joined Facebook in part, my arrogant friend, to sell my book and to network. That is what Facebook is for in part, as well as reconnecting with family and old friends. Therefore, I reached out to you to network. But like the arrogant prick you are, instead of simply saying no thanks, or ignoring my request, you slap me around as if I was a moron. I had a bad day yesterday, involving one of my children, and didn't need your snotty lecture. So go away. I get your drift. You got lucky and think you are somebody now. But know this, my arrogant friend, what you dish out to the world comes back to you.

And the replies from his friends to his twitters reflected a similar point-of-view:

fuck Lee Goldberg and his arrogance. He lives in a phony world of recycling idiot ideas. Perhaps I'm missing something, but has any Hollywood writer *lately* managed to write a good work of fiction? I dunno, perhaps Lee Goldberg has some sort of defense for that episode of "She Spies" that he helped write in committee.

And this from the guy who initially wrote me:

What does Lee Goldberg write – that Monk nonsense? That's why I spend the evening (when not writing or reading) flipping through the numbing crap on TV that is written by the arrogant "professionals" full of themselves that they can't mentor a struggling author along.

Of course, he thought well enough of me to hit me up to read his stuff…I became an arrogant asshole and author of mind-numbing crap after I said no.

I am stunned by the arrogance of these people, telling me that my professional success isn't the result of talent or hard work, but rather it is some kind of entitlement. And that by not reading their work, or listening to their ideas, or coaching them on pitching, I am an asshole. My time is their time to do with as they please. They also assume that I am not interested in helping anyone else achieve what I have.

These jerks know nothing about me, or the time and effort I devote to sharing my experience with others. They don't know about the many days I spend each year teaching TV writing, giving seminars, or speaking about writing at high schools, universities, conferences, and libraries locally, nationwide and around the world, mostly for free. 

In the last six weeks, for example, I spent seven days at the International Mystery Writers Festivalin Owensboro, Kentucky teaching, speaking, and moderating seminars on tv and mystery writing to the public. At no charge. I taught a three-hour course on TV writing to students at Cal State Northridge. At no charge. And I spent a day giving a seminar on TV writing to a delegation from China Central Television.

But what I didn't do is drop everything in my life to read some stranger's treatment, listen to his idea for a TV series, and coach him on how to pitch. 

So obviously I am an arrogant, talentless, asshole.

I have committed the unforgiveable sin of deciding how to use my time and how best to give back to others. And not letting some stranger decide for me. 

So, when it comes to this guy and all those outraged, wanna-be writers who they think own me and my time, I think Josh Olson really nailed it when he said:

I will not read your fucking script.

UPDATE 9-11-09: The pissed off stranger who wanted me to read his treatment has responded. What follows is his email to me, verbatim, minus the title and link to his self-published "manifesto" on new belief system that will revolutionize society.

Blah, blah, blah. Whippy shit. Whining ahole. If you spent all the time trashing me trying to help me instead, we might both have a better feeling about you. Doth protest too much, my friend. You have a guilty conscience as you should. Hard work, my ass, you got lucky, friend, pure and simple. Given the chance, I would write you off the page.

And look who's talking about people skills. All you had to do numbnut, was ignore me, or give me a website where to send my treatment, an address, something. Instead, you bastard, you give me a snide, insensitive stupid article. And a bunch of messages that are just pure mean-spirited. I might be dying of cancer or have a kid dying of cancer, but you don't care.

Who says I want to succeed in Hollywood anyway – if it's populated by untalented, arrogant mean-spirited likes of you, I don't need it. It will be TV's loss not to have my treatment.

Read my book, XYZ

Know what it says, you strunes – death is the only reality. I will certainly see you at some point there, in some afterlife. And maybe I'll buy you a beer, and then again, maybe I won't.

The Mail I Get

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Those incompetent hucksters at Bookwhirl are back. This week they cold-called a major, A-list novelist I know, offering him their inept "services." The guy who called my friend, who is a household name, sounded like someone from Dell Customer Support in India and had no idea who he was speaking to.

Even though I have repeatedly trashed Bookwhirl here on my blog, today I got a solicitation from them. It was from "Marketing Consultant" Melissa Adams, who apparently hasn't mastered English yet:

I came across your book, “Mr. Monk is Miserable” and I find it very interesting. Our company, Bookwhirl.com is really interested to help you in promoting your book/s online because we find out that your book/s deserves to be recognized

And that's the most coherent paragraph in her pitch. Imagine how dumb and gullible someone would have to be to hire these dimwits. I wrote her back and suggested that she take a few English courses before trying to portray herself as an expert in promotion.

The Mail I Get – Mr. Monk Edition

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MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP was released two weeks ago, so perhaps that's why I've been getting deluged with Monk-related emails lately. Here's one I enjoyed:

I am a BIG fan of your books- I have read every Monk Book (except the latest), every Psyche book (except the latest), and I have all the Diag Murder books (I've read the first two).[…] In MONK IS MISERABLE they refer to events in the TV episode MONK CAN"T SEE A THING. Hence that episode takes place in the same universe as your novels. AH-HA, the events of MONK AND THE FIREHOUSE are similar, so whichever one came second, Monk or Natalie or someone should have said WOW- This is JUST LIKE our other case.

This is, of course, a silly plot point.

[…]Diag Murder and Monk novels are in the same universe since they both interact with the same detective in Hawaii. Monk and Psyche novels are in the same universe since Natalie meets with a people who help out quirky deteritives
and one of them is clearly Gus (though he is not named). The novels and TV shows take place in the same universe. Gus's Uncle who thinks that Gus is Psychic watches alot of TV. He mentiosn the TV SHOW Diagnosis Murder.

AH-HA- in the Psyche universe Diagnosis Murder is a TV show. So it can't be real.

This is, of course, a silly plot point. 

The fact that I noticed these things and am writing to you about them is an immense compliment.

…which is exactly how I took it. Here is how I responded: 

You have a keen eye! Here are some trivia for you.  William Rabkin writes the terrific PSYCH novels. We wrote an early episode of PSYCH together…and we wrote the "Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing" episode of MONK which was, of course, based on my book MR. MONK GOES TO THE FIREHOUSE. 

Ian Ludlow is a character who also appears in the DIAGNOSIS MURDER and MONK books….and Ian Ludlow the pseudonym I wrote under in the early 1980s.  Is your head spinning yet?

I got some other nice notes. Here's a sampling:

I'm thrilled you are continuing the Monk book series. It always frustrates me when "stars" (who have wanted to be famous all their lives) hit paydirt with a huge success … and then can't seem to quit fast enough because they need to conquer new lands or whatever. As much as I hate to see the Monk TV series end, I'm thrilled I can still buy new stories in the book series. If anything, they are far better than any TV episode ever was. Thank you.

I assured him that the end of MONK has nothing to do with the stars being unappreciative of their success and the interest of their viewers. Quite the opposite. They have been doing this show for over 100 episodes and I suspect that they want to end while they are still at the top of their game (as did the stars of CHEERS, SEINFELD, MARY TYLER MOORE, MASH, NEWHART and lots of other shows). I think it also takes some guts to walk away from success rather than milking something until it withers away. That said, I share his sadness, too, that the show is ending.

Here's one more from the email bag:

I wanted to take a brief moment to express the enjoyment my family has found in your Monk novels. We have all been fans of the TV series since its inception, yet we have only recently discovered your novels via Amazon.com. I ordered all of them last week and I, along with my wife and 14-year old son, are in the process of reading them now. Your novels are a seamless transition from the TV series, and I can pay no higher compliment than that. It’s great to know that Adrian Monk will continue to crack cases for the SFPD even after this final season concludes on USA Network.

It's emails like that one hat keep me going on days when the writing isn''t going so well. Finally, I got this one today:

I just read 'Mr. Monk is Miserable'. I didn't know there were Monk books (AND Diagnosis Murder too), I'm in heaven. Anyway, in chapter 26, at the end of Natalie's description of her time with Stottlemeyer interviewing victims of Chalmers' ID theft activities; there is a sentence that reads "The captain managed to prove that Le Roux's theory about Barlier's scheme was right." Isn't it supposed to say Chalmers? If it is not a typo and it is supposed to say Barlier can you please explain why, because I'm a bit confused.

I haven't answered that guy yet…it has been so long since I wrote the book, I can't remember the details of the plot and I just don't have the energy to re-read it again so I can give him the right answer. Then again, I hate to leave an error uncorrected…

The Mail I Get – Monk Edition

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I've received a lot of MONK mail this week. Here's a sampling. 

I just wanted you to know what your Monk books mean to me. I lost my mother on April 3rd and I can not tell you how heartbroken and emotionally distraught I am. […]I never thought I would be laughing so soon. Your Monk books have helped keep me sane! I started with the OUTER SPACE book and from then on I was hooked. Thank you so much!

I was very touched by that email, and by this one, too:

Although it's impossible for me to know if you'll ever actually receive this
e-mail, I simply had to say thank you for putting some real laughter back into
my life. I just checked out your Monk book form our local library (Mr. Monk Goes To The Firehouse) and read it as quickly as time allowed. It's been a long time since
I've had so many real, true belly laughs. This is a difficult economy for so many people – especially for us. […] you have infused the book with compassion as well as
kindness, especially in Natalie Teeger, as well as in the people who surround
Monk. There needs to be more kindness in this world. Thank you for being tender
in your portrayal of these characters. This is a very clever book and I will always appreciate the laughter you added to my days. Can't wait to read more and looking forward to my husband reading his book, as well.

I tell you, getting notes like that make all the difficulties that go into writing a book worthwhile. On the other hand, sometimes you get ones like this:

I just had to write you to tell you that your books are terrible, mainly because they are narrated by Natalie instead of Sharona or Monk himself and aren't funny and you had him drinking milk. What were you thinking!!!

And I get some unusual requests, like this:

Mr Monk has a lot of French fans, and I'm sure they would be happy to read your books! So I have a little question for you… I was wondering if you'll agree to let me do the French translation of your novels. Of course I'm not a professional translator, but I love writing stories since early childhood and I really love Mr Monk's universe.

And this:

Greetings, Mr Goldberg! I have a special request. My family and I are huge fans of your Monk books! I am embarking on a trip to South Korea […]and I would love nothing more than a new Monk book to read on the plane. […]I see that Mr Monk and the Dirty Cop comes out on July 7th, but my flight leaves on July 6th. […]Any chance of getting you to send me an advance copy so I can have it in time(autographed maybe?)?

And this:

Could you do something in the Monk books involving people loving feet or people with dirty feet?

And this:

Please write a book where Monk goes to Brazil. I would be glad to help you write it.

But I also learned some things, like this:

Here's a weird fact: We know that the word "Adrian Monk" has 10 letters which
is his favorite number. But if you convert the letters into the their
corresponding number in the alphabet, you get 100! Weird, huh?

The Mail I Get

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I received this email from an agentless, aspiring screenwriter:

I just moved to LA about a year ago.[…]I've hooked up with a producer who is a former exec at a major studio. We talked about an idea he has for a sitcom. I like his idea a lot and I agreed to collaborate with him. The thing is, I've been helping him for a while now and even wrote a pilot, all with nothing but a verbal commitment from him to "do right" by me. I do trust him and we've become friends outside of "work."

Now, I've decided it's time to get more than just a verbal commitment from him. But I am at a loss as to what to ask for.[…] So far I've written a pilot and have helped out with character descriptions and episode outlines. Now he wants me to write another episode. Do you have any advice for someone like me?

Yes, I do. You are being screwed. The producer is taking advantage of your enthusiasm, inexperience and desperation. He should know better…and, if he is truly your friend (and the seasoned exec you say he is), and if he genuinely wanted to "do right" for you, he would have put a deal in writing before you started writing a word…for his protection and yours.

Don't do ANY more work for him or let him send out the script to anyone unless a deal is in place between the two of you.

Since you don't have an agent, you should consult with a lawyer. You should also visit the WGA website and get a copy of the applicable minimums and/or go to the Samuel French Bookstore and get a book on Entertainment industry contracts.

I'm not a lawyer or an agent, but some of the things you should seek are compensation (at least WGA minimums) for the scripts you have written immediately upon sale of the project, a minimum royalty per episode produced (you need to negotiate an amount), a shared created by credit with the producer (though that will be arbitrated by the Guild), a producer credit & salary on the show (whether you provide services or not) and an equal share of any and all monies that the producer is getting for ancillary rights, backend, etc. That's just for starters.

The Mail I Get

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I got this email yesterday: 

I recently finished three courses in screenwriting
at UCLA. For my "writing the one-hour drama" classes, I wrote
a spec for "Monk". […] Earlier today I thought, "Hmmm… this could make a decent
novel." Imagine my surprise when, less than a day later, I
found that there ARE such things!! Since you are obviously
"in the know", to whom might I pitch my "Monk" spec as a
novel? Although I don't have a TV agent, I do have a literary
agent, and am doing the final edits of a book I've co-authored,
coming out in December.

I must get one or two emails a week like this. I wonder what makes them think it's a good idea to ask the guy who writes all of the MONK novels for his advice on how they can take his job away from him. I also wonder why they think that if someone is already writing the books that they might have a shot at it, too. Perhaps it's because the STAR TREK books are written by multiple writers…and these people haven't noticed that the MONK books are only written by one guy…me. Or maybe they are just dumb.

The Mail I Get

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I got this email from an aspiring model who wants to create a reality travel show about herself and is worried about somebody stealing it.

I am in the process of trying to write a treatment for a travel show I'd like to pitch to networks, but I am afraid that even if I have my stuff registered with WGA and have it copyrighted that my idea and/or ideas will get stolen. I am just starting out in the business so I am a little naive as far as what exactly I should do. Everything I've found so far seems so negative towards beginners and isn't exactly the most helpful as far as what to do when starting out (other than to hire a show runner or give your idea to someone else, but I want to see if I can do this myself as opposed to having someone else have all the credit).I am also wondering if there is a different process regarding a travel show, since it will only follow my life and is not a sitcom.

You have nothing to worry about registering your idea with the Writers Guild. No one there will steal it from you. It is completely safe. But registering it with the WGA doesn't "copyright" it…it only establishes when you wrote your treatment and holds a copy for safekeeping.

You can't copyright an idea…only your unique execution of it. For example, how many shows have there been about cops in Los Angeles solving murders? It's not the idea that makes each of the shows different, it's the execution and the unique characters.

You may be leery of getting involved with an established producer but let's be realistic. You are a complete unknown and have no experience writing or producing television programs…so what makes you think that any network would buy a travel show from you, especially now, in this terrible economic environment? That's like sketching a car on a napkin and expecting Ford to manufacture it.

One way around this would be to do the show yourself on the cheap on the web. If you can generate some buzz with the webseries, you might attract a cable network to your idea.