The Mail I Get

Ready for the Staff Job

by

I got this email today from an aspiring writer who has just finished writing his first two episodic spec scripts:

Now, for
the first time, I begin the process of looking for an agent.  I have two spec
scripts that are great examples of what I can do on a TV
staff.

Here’s how I responded: Congratulations on finishing your specs. That’s a big step! However,
I’d aim your sights a little more realistically. The best you can hope for at
this stage (after landing an agent) is to be invited in for a freelance pitch
and possible writing assignment. In the mean time, start writing another script… perhaps an original feature,  if you don’t have one already.

Self-Promotion vs Self-Destruction

by

I received this spam email today from Richard Brawer. The subject heading was:  "New Book from MWA Member."

Hi
Everyone,

I’d like to introduce you to David Nance in his latest case,
"MURDER ON THE LINKS", a mystery set at the Jersey shore, in Monmouth
County.

Book Jacket:

The body of a prostitute is found tossed into
the woods bordering the fifth hole of a posh golf club.  The same day a penny
stock promoter and the daughter of a New York mobster are found murdered in a
mansion in the wealthy community of Elberon, New Jersey. Peer into mob
infested stock brokers scamming worthless paper to naïve investors, and into the
deviant world of the rich with their kinky sexual appetites as David Nance roots
out the murderer from among the members of Spring Brook Golf and Country
Club.

Read excerpts of Murder On The Links and all the books in the
David Nance Mysteries Series at:  www.rbrawerbooks.com

ORDER FORM: MURDER
ON THE LINKS is only offered through the mail from HFFO, Inc.  Please print out
this form:

I think this email is a perfect example of how NOT to promote your book.  Beyond being impersonal, there is no hook, no angle, no grabber. Nothing that would persuade you to do anything except hit the delete key. 

If you are going to send out a spam email, the least you should do is make every possible effort to make your solicitation an attention-grabber, something that hypes your book and makes people want to read it (especially if your book, like this one, is self-published and only available through mail-order).

Let’s start with the subject heading: "New Book from MWA Member." That’s supposed to mean something? That’s supposed to intrigue me? New books come out from MWA members every day. Your subject heading is your headline, your banner, your movie marquee… it should entice the reader to open the mail, not delete it. (I only opened this one because I had a feeling it would make a good blog post).

But he compounds the error by making the first line of his email an utter snooze: "I’d like to introduce you to David Nance in his latest case, "MURDER ON THE LINKS", a mystery set at the Jersey shore, in Monmouth County."

Why would anyone bother to read further? I’ve read  time-share sales invitations that are more exciting.  Sadly, the rest of the email is just as perfunctory and dull.

Where’s the salesmanship? Where’s the enthusiasm? Where’s any reason whatsoever to read the email…much less the book?  Whether the author realizes it or not, the email reflects on him and his book. If the email is flat, dull, pointless and lazy, it implies the book probably is, too.

Rather than promoting his book, I think Richard Brawer has done the opposite…he’s driven people away.

Production Schedules

by

I got this email today:

Lee, my aunt and I were discussing when the season premieres usually start
filming, and my aunt was confused as to when the cast take their hiatus and come
back to work. Could you provide a rough ‘year’ schedule for a series as far as
the cast is concerned – when they work on the shows, how far ahead of an episode
is their work done? We’re working under the assumption of a show that has been
on air already one year and is definitely coming back for the next few years. I
couldn’t answer any of her questions.

A successful series, one in which the producers know they are coming back for another season, can bank scripts and even shoot some "next season" episodes at the end of the "current season" (LAW AND ORDER has done this).

But in general, fall season shows usually start filming in July or early August and wrap some time in March or
early April.  The fall schedules are announced in late May and people usually straggle back from hiatus in early June. 

Not counting the time it takes to develop and write a script, it takes about six weeks to produce an episode — from pre-production
(scouting locations, building sets, casting actors) through post-production
(editing, music, sound effects, color correction, looping, etc.).  This doesn’t include FX heavy shows like BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, which naturally take longer in post-production.  Most hour-long dramatic  shows are shot in seven or eight days… though some cheapo syndicated and cable  shows are shot in six.

 

The Revered, Rep Level SeaQuest Writer

by

I got two emails today from SeaQuest fans.

One email invited me to share my memories of Jonathan Brandis as part of an online fan memorial.  I’m afraid I don’t have any special memories to share.  I didn’t know Jonthan well, though in my few encounters with him he always struck me as a bright, friendly, serious young man. I thought he’d go far as an actor and I was saddened to learn of his suicide.

The other email directed me to a  SeaQuest fan blog posting that the sender felt "defines a Talifan."

I really can’t stand new people who enter my fandom for the first time,
"debuting" as though they’re already a well-known and respect author
like Chance, Diena Taylor or Rachel Brody.. or sometimes they even act
as though they’re Lee Goldberg.

Especially because usually, they
really haven’t been paying much attention to what has actually been
going on in the fandom for the last, oh, ten years. They don’t know
what fiction has been written, what developments have been made, who
the people are, any of the ways we interact.. It’s all "Tah dah! I am
your quasi-proffessional seaquest epic writer. My episodes are of
exceptional quality due to my experience. Aren’t you people lucky?"

Um,
no.. actually I feel patronised and I since I honestly believe I’ve
been around longer than you, I feel like a six year old who’s just
started playing a sport I’ve been playing for years is coming on the
feild and give me ‘tips’, as though they’re at rep level.

Sadly,
these people will miss out on what they could have learned from us, and
a lot of other things you can enjoy in the SeaQuest fandom without
putting yourself out as an author who is already revered.

There are SeaQuest fanfic writers who not only have reached "rep level," but are actually  "revered?" Wow. Who knew? Though I can’t imagine why anyone would aspire to be a "quasi-professional SeaQuest epic writer."

My Software

by

I got this email today:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,

I am about to start writing my novel. What novel writing software do you use? Is there an industry standard? What’s the proper format?

I use Microsoft Word but any word processing software is probably just fine.  The format question is trickier.  My publisher on the DIAGNOSIS MURDER and MONK novels  didn’t give me any set format, so I write my novels double spaced in 12pt Courier New, with margins that would be the typewriter equivalent of 10 and 60. I think I do that because I learned to write on a typewriter… and I wrote so much on an IBM Selectric that a manuscript doesn’t look right to me if it isn’t in Courier New. 

On the other hand, I recall that Five Star, the folks who published THE WALK and are  bringing out THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE in November, had very strict formatting guidelines. Although I wrote the book using my usual format, when I was done I had to reformat it to meet their requirements which included, if I recall, that the manuscript be in 11pt Times New Roman, double-spaced, with author’s last name and the book title centered in italics at the top of each page.

But at this point, I would just concern yourself with writing the book. You can always change the format later to conform to the requirements of whatever publisher you submit it to.

How about you other published authors out there — what’s your advice?

What Would You Pay For An Authentic Shelf from Diagnosis Murder?

by

Today I received this email:

I was a security guard at the hospital they were
shooting "Diagnose Murder,"  back in 1994 in Denver, Colorado. One night
they threw a bunch of set props away, ex: the gift shop shelves, or some glass
shelving; lamps and paintings. Is there any way to authenticate them? Or, are
they worth anything to anybody? Thank you.

You dug all that crap out of a dumpster and kept it for ten years? Why, man, why? I hate to break it to you, but nobody is going to care about a gift shop shelf from a DIAGNOSIS MURDER episode. Nor would there be any way to authenticate it. ..and even if you could, who would want an authentic shelf from a DIAGNOSIS MURDER episode?

Perhaps if what you’d found was, say, Dr. Mark Sloan’s lab coat, you might be able to sell it to some fan for $20.  But a shelf? A lamp? It’s not like we’re talking about Mr. Spock’s Tricorder, The Batmobile,  or Fonzie’s leather jacket…

Who Writes NAVY NCIS?

by

I got this email IN ALL CAPS today, so I know HE’S SERIOUS.

LEE I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHO IS WRITING FOR DONALD
BELISARIO.THE REASON BEING I’VE WATCH THE SHOW SINCE IT FIRST CAME OUT AND I DO
NOT LIKE THE SEASON FINALE OF NAVY NCIS THIS WEEK.WHERE CAITLIN GETS
KILLED.THOSE 6 PEOPLE MAKE THAT SHOW.I’VE TALKED TO OTHERS AND THEY AGREED.WE
ALSO AGREED THAT IF SHE IS OFF THE SHOW THEN WE ARE GOING TO TELL OTHERS STOP
WATCHING AND TURN TO A DIFFERENT CHANNEL AND STOP WATCHING ANYTHING HE
PRODUCES.I HOPE YOU CAN FIND OUT.

I’m not sure what he expects me to do… forward to him the names, addresses, and phone numbers of the writing staff so he can make his demands to them? I don’t know anything about the dynamics behind-the-scenes of NCIS, but maybe the actress who played Caitlin wanted to move on to other things or maybe she wasn’t happy on the show or maybe she was a complete lunatic they couldn’t bear to work with another day. I don’t know.  Cast changes on a TV show are common (ER, LAW AND ORDER, BOSTON LEGAL, BEWITCHED, M*A*S*H, GUNSMOKE, MONK, LA LAW, ALLY McBEAL, THE SHIELD, HILL STREET BLUES, CHICAGO HOPE, NYPD BLUE,  CHEERS, etc.). and a fact of life in this business.  Live with it or, as you say, change the channel.

Snore

by

I guess my books and TV shows must put people to sleep. I got this spam email today:

Hi,

I took a look at your site a couple of hours ago…and I want to
tell you that I’d really love to trade links with you. I think your site has
some really good stuff related to my site’s topic of pillows and would be a
great resource for my visitors.

In fact, I went ahead and added your site
to my Pillows HQ Resource Directory at
http://www.pillows-hq.com

Is
that OK with you?

Can I ask a favor? Will you give me a link back on your
site? I’d really appreciate you returning the favor.

Thanks and feel
free to drop me an email if you’d like to chat more about
this.

Best wishes,

Steve

I’ll be emailing Steve right away, because there’s nothing I enjoy more than chatting about pillows.

How Not To Get a Blurb

by

A self-published author sent me a generic email asking me to read his book and blurb it. I’ve taken out his name, and the title of the book, as a courtesy:

I am  about to launch the XYZ novels, which are
legal/crime thrillers. I would love to get a blurb from you for the first novel
in this series, XYZ.  I have attached the first few chapters for
your review and will be happy to send the full book upon request.  I
thoroughly believe that you will find this book compelling and will be proud to
have your name associated with it, otherwise I wouldn’t intrude upon your
valuable time.

As compelling as his personal endorsement of his own book is, that’s not a good enough reason for me to read his novel.  In fact, this solicitation is a classic example of how to not to get an author to read your book. For instructions on how to do it right, check out author Gregg Hurwitz’s checklist of dos-and-don’ts for blurb pitching.

TVWriter.com

by

Still more mail today:

What do you think of  TVwriter.com? Is that a good place to learn the ins-and-outs of screenwriting?

This is what I wrote a while back in a comment on John August’s blog when someone asked the same question:

To be honest, I think people
would learn a lot more about the craft of writing visiting John August’s site
than tvwriter.com, which seems geared entirely towards publicizing Larry Brody’s
writing workshops and contests where applicants win the opportunity to have
their scripts optioned by “The Cloud Creek Institute For the Arts” and
representation by “the legendary Terry Porter Agency.” I’ve never heard of
either one of them, though Predators and Editors 
recommends against the Porter agency, which they claim charges a fee to read
submissions.