My Blog

Why Don’t Authors Smile?

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My sister Linda Woods took a tour of mystery & thriller author websites the other day and wonders…

Why did the author choose that photo for his home page?! Is looking mysteriously constipated a sales tool nobody told us about? Does being successful mean you can’t look happy about it? Does smiling make you less cool, less smart, less reliable?

So I pulled down some mysteries and thrillers off my shelf and did a casual survey of author photos. And my sister is right. The majority of authors try to look as grim and tough (okay, constipated) as the heroes they write about. The only consistently smiling faces I could find were women authors  like Sue Grafton, Elizabeth George and Denise Hamilton, even though they are writing about tough characters, too.

The only smiling guys I could find were Steve Cannell (if you were as happy, rich and successful as he is, you’d be smiling all the time, too) and Carl Hiaasen (but that’s because he writes comic thrillers). On some, it depends on the book they are writing.

Parkerhappy Judging by his author photos, Robert ParkerParkerdog_1 is happy to be writing westerns and Jesse Stone novels…but would rather be walking his dog that writing a Spenser novel.

Tjparker On the other hand, my friend T.J. Parker seems to get Tjparkerhappy happier with each book…and his increasing paychecks. In his next author photo, expect a grin from ear-to-ear.

Coben1 Coben2 And take a look at Harlan Coben. The way things are going, in his next book, he’ll have fangs.

I know what you’re thinking…Lee is going through his books looking at author photos? Why is he wasting time doing that?

Why do you think?

Yeah, writing’s not going too well today, but it’s only 10:30, there’s still time.

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Please Curb Your Realtor

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E8bdbacf72034d35969af9a590135dd3 My sister has been finding a realtor’s droppings on her front porch and she doesn’t like it:

At least once a week a shady looking character leaves her promotional crap at my front door.  Kim, if you’re reading this, and I am sure you might be because you’re probably the type of person who checks her site stats hourly, I’LL NEVER HIRE YOU TO SELL MY HOUSE. I WILL, HOWEVER, BE LEAVING VISUAL CHRONICLES POSTCARDS, BOTTLE CAPS AND MAGNETS ALL OVER YOUR FRONT DOOR. SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.

You go girl!

(That’s a picture of the realtor, not my sister, by the way)

A Screenwriter’s Process

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TV Writer Paul Guyot is about to start writing a pilot on a 12-day deadline…but before he gets started, he shares the details of his writing process. It’s fascinating…unique…and familiar all at the same time. Every writer has their rituals…here’s what Paul does if he hits a wall:

I’ll give myself usually no more than a few hours of "stop time" then I jump back in. In a new location, new clothes – yes I’ll actually change clothes – and hopefully with new energy.

I have a different ritual.  I take off all my clothes, sit naked in front of the computer, and work on some Real People Slash M-Preg Fanfic for an hour or two.

Is this Fanfic…or Sickfic?

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Corbin_bernsen2_1 Just when I thought "mpreg fanfic" (a fictional TV or movie character impregnating another fictional male TV or movie character) couldn’t be topped, along comes "Real People Slash"…fanfic in which two real people have fictional sex with one another like, say, Mr. T and Corbin Bernson.  What kind of person writes this "Real People Slash?" Look no further than Robin Reid. Here’s how she describes herself in her bio at JACK, an e-zine dedicated to homoerotic fiction by fanfic writers:

Robin Anne Reid was born in Idaho and left as soon as she could. She became a science fiction fan as soon as she learned to read, a J.R.R. Tolkien fan at age ten, a Star Trek fan at age thirteen, and a Harlan Ellison, Joanna Russ and New Wave SF fan at age fourteen. She is currently active in LotR LiveJournal fandom, writing both Real People Slash and Fictional People Slash. She has been addicted to writing sestinas for some years and always assigns them in her poetry classes. She teaches creative writing, contemporary women writers, and critical theory as well as Tolkien and Popular Culture classes. The internet provides her main social life since she currently lives and works in rural northeast Texas, living with twelve cats, three dogs, all more or less happily co-existing with cows, coyotes, skunks, and oppossums.

Somehow, I’m not surprised that a person who writes "Real People Slash" lives with twelve cats and considers the Internet "her main social life," are you? Now imagine what the people who read Real People Slash must be like. Horrifying, isn’t it?

It’s only a matter of time now before we get "Real People M-Preg Slash Fanfic." I, for one, can’t wait to read about Justin Timberlake carrying Brad Pitt’s love child.

UPDATE: The folks at "I Speak My Mind" blog discovered this hilarious piece posted anonymously at Fandom Jam… Check it out on the jump:

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Homage or Rip-off?

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For_your_eyes_only Posterwire notes the similarity between the posters for THE Transporter_2TRANSPORTER  2 and FOR YOUR EYES ONLY. It’s sad commentary on movies today that the poster for a cutting-edge, French action movie is actually tamer than a 20-year-poster for a geriatric Roger Moore 007 film…

I used to have the original pre-release FOR YOUR EYES ONLY poster, in which Bond is facing the woman and shooting at her, but it was destroyed in the Northridge earthquake, ripped by the broken glass from the shattered frame.

The Gun Trail

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The20gun20trail On the recommendations of Bill Crider and James Reasoner, I read H.A. DeRosso’s  THE GUN TRAIL. It’s a cruel, ugly, violent western…and I enjoyed every page of it. There are no heroes, only bitterness, regret and hopelessness. And not a shred of humor. If all of DeRosso’s westerns were as unremittingly bleak as this, I can see why he might have had a tough time in the marketplace. Like Reasoner, I don’t think I could go on a DeRosso binge (as I did when I discovered Garry Disher, Harry Whittington, Thomas Berger,  Elmer Kelton, Ian Rankin, A.B. Guthrie, Frederick Manfred, and Dan J. Marlowe, to name a few) but I know I’ll be reading more of his work.

Does anybody know what became of H.A. DeRosso? The copyrights to some recent reprints of his work are held by a hospital.

Used Book Haul

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I walked into a used bookstore in Ojai… and walked out $22 lighter, but with these books in my bag:

Valleys of the Assassins by Ian MacAlister (Marv Albert)

Strike Force 7 by Ian MacAlister

Apache Rising by Marv Albert

The Last Smile by Marv Albert

Sweetheart by Andrew Coburn

The Trespassers by Andrew Coburn

Strictly for the Boys by Harry Whittington

Biscuit Shooter by Clifton Adams

I Am, I Said

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16_jpgAre you one of those people who can’t get enough of Neil Diamond? Cn5You know you are. I see you there, in your sequined shirt, working on your "Love on The Rocks" fanfic. Studio 360 did an entertaining segment on Super Diamond, a Neil Diamond tribute band. The segment focuses on a guy calling himself "Surreal Neil," but the best of the Diamond imitators is the unsung (pun intended) Kevin Hogan, aka  Fantastic Diamond. Please don’t ask me how I know that. Listen for yourself.