My Blog

Editing Your Life

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I’m always amused by the way some actors and writers edit their credits, trying to pretend that some of their work never existed (you don’t hear Michael Mann talking about his days on VEGA$ much). Jessica Alba has been doing a lot of that credit-editing lately as she promotes FANTASTIC FOUR and SIN CITY. In her GQ interview, for instance, she charts the course of her career like this:

At 13 she decided to give acting a try and immediately found herself cast in an episode of the TV series Chicago Hope, playing a teenage girl who contracts gonorrhea of the throat from her 30-year-old boyfriend. Imagine explaining that
to your pastor. Next, at 16, she joined the Atlantic Theater Company
Acting School in Vermont, founded by David Mamet and William H. Macy,
where she was drilled in contrapositive Pygmalion fashion, on the intonation of lines like, “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”

She forgets to mention that, between her gigs with David E. Kelley and David Mamet,  she spent three years in Australia as a regular cast member acting opposite a zany dolphin on THE NEW ADVENTURES OF FLIPPER  (you don’t see Emmy & WGA Award winning writer Terrence Winter hiding from his producing gig on that show… he even mentioned it in his Emmy acceptance speech. That’s being a man. That’s integrity, bucko. In fact, I’ll admit here and now I worked on FLIPPER, too… and, even worse, THE HIGHWAYMAN).

Alba wants you to think she just burst onto the scene with DARK ANGEL. Speaking of bursting, let’s talk about Dave Gardetta, the horny reporter who was interviewing Alba and aching to go more, much more, in-depth :

Alba made an off-color joke about lawyers, and she glowed: Her skin
glowed, her hair glowed, her lips glowed. Where once her carnal
features—lips, breasts, posterior—seemed preternaturally swollen, as if
in a dead-heat race to burst from her skinny, teenage frame, now Alba
and her twenty-three-year-old body have settled into delicacy and grace
and balance while still drawing chat-room catcalls like “Damn! Shortie
got back!”

Down, boy. And later he writes:

And then one day her body rebelled against God. Her teenage breasts bloomed; her buttocks began straining against her dungarees.

You can almost hear him panting as he beats the keys on his computer…or something further south.

At The Movies

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Victor Gischler posted a list on his blog of 25 movies that have most influence his writing… and my brother Tod quickly followed up with a list of his own. I would have a much easier time listing the TV shows that have influenced me but, off the top of my head, here’s my list, in no order whatsoever, with lots of films left out that I will regret that I forgot to include:

  1. Jaws
  2. About  Schmidt
  3. Harper
  4. Get   Shorty
  5. Fiddler on the Roof
  6. Terms of Endearment
  7. Lost  in America (actually, any Albert Brooks movie except Defending Your Life)
  8. Alien
  9. Tao of Steve
  10. The  Terminator
  11. Goldfinger   (all the Bond films, even the bad ones)
  12. Return  of the Pink Panther (all the Pink Panther movies, even the bad ones)
  13. La  Femme Nikita
  14. Funny Girl
  15. Cider  House Rules
  16. Wizard of Oz
  17. Broadcast News (particularly one line in one scene)
  18. Fistful of Dollars (the whole Man with No Name Trilogy)
  19. Dirty Harry (all the Dirty Harry movies, even the bad ones)
  20. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
  21. Raiders of the Lost Ark
  22. Chinatown
  23. The Incredibles
  24. Patton
  25. Jackie Brown

Gee, looking at that list, you can really get a keen sense of  my astonishing lack of depth. Now imagine what my writing must be like…

Spur Awards Announced

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The Western Writers of America announced the winners of the coveted Spur Awards,  the Oscars of western-writing. The winners will get their statues at the WWA convention in Spokane in June.Vengeancevalley

Best First Novel: FIELD OF HONOR by  D.L. Birchfield (University of Oklahoma Press).
Best Original  Paperback:  VENGEANCE VALLEY by Richard S. Wheeler (Pinnacle) [his fifth win!]
Best Western Juvenile Non-Fiction:  RATTLESNAKE MESA…STORIES FROM A NATIVE
AMERICAN CHILDHOOD By Ednah New
Rider Weber (Lee & Low Books)
Best
Western Novel: BUY THE CHIEF A CADILLAC by Rick Steber (Bonanza Publishing)
Best Novel of the West:  PEOPLE OF THE RAVEN (Forge) By Kathleen
O’Neal Gear and W. Michael Gear [Best Western Novel is for books under
90,000 words; Novel of the West goes to longer works].
Nonfiction-Biography: BLACK KETTLE: THE CHEYENNE CHIEF WHO SOUGHT PEACE BUT FOUND WAR
by Thom Hatch of Calhan, Colo. (John Wiley & Sons).
Nonfiction-Contemporary: THE TEXAS RANGERS AND THE MEXICAN REVOLUTION by Charles H.
Harris III and Louis R. Sadler of Las Cruces, N.M. (University of New Mexico
Press).
Nonfiction-Historical: BEASTS OF THE FIELD Richard Steven Street of San Anselmo,
Calif. (Stanford University Press).
Short Nonfiction: BLOOD FOR OIL by Jim Doherty of Chicago
from the collection JUST THE FACTS (Deadly Serious Press).
Short
Fiction: THE
PROMOTION by Larry D. Sweazy of Noblesville, Ind., from the anthology TEXAS
RANGERS (Berkley).
Juvenile Fiction: FIRE IN THE HOLE! by Mary Cronk Farrell of Spokane,
Wash. (Clarion Books).
Drama Script: HIDALGO by John Fusco of Burbank, Calif. (Touchstone Pictures/  Disney).
Documentary Script: WILD WEST TECH: DEADWOOD TECH by Laura Verklan of North
Hollywood, Calif. (executive producer Dolores Gavin, The History Channel).
Poetry: A
THOUSAND MILES OF STARS by Walt McDonald of Lubbock, Texas (Texas Tech
University Press).
Storyteller (illustrated children’s book): APPLES TO OREGON by Deborah
Hopkinson of Corvallis, Ore. and illustrator Nancy Carpenter of Brooklyn, N.Y.
(Simon and Schuster Children’s Books).

Congratulations to all the winners! Richard Wheeler offers this amusing anecdote about his Spur-Award winning novel VENGEANCE VALLEY:

This one has a cowboy brandishing a gun on its cover, even if there are no cowboys with guns in the novel. That’s part of the paperback mystique. Almost all western pocketbooks have cowboys with guns on the covers. That’s done so that readers of westerns, who are usually ancient bald males will big and gaseous bellies, can identify them. Vengeance Valley  was the title of a famous Zane Grey novel so the publishers probably thought to get a free ride by giving this story the same moniker. The author had named it Yancey’s Jackpot  but in the world of
mass-market paperbacks, authors’ titles are summarily executed.
This cover is especially egregious because the story takes place on a mountain ridge instead of a valley, and there is no  vengeance in it, and no cowboys with guns in it.

I wonder if Richard has considered putting Dick Van Dyke on the cover of his next book. It has certainly helped my sales.

Remember HUNTER?

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It’s not often you see a review of a 15-year-old rerun airing in syndication…but this week, Entertainment Weekly spotlights an episode of HUNTER written by my buddy Morgan Gendel.

This 1990 Hunter ep is titled "Unfinished Business" but I call it "the one where
Hunter and McCall have all the sex." After six years of stake-outs, innuendo,
and lingering looks over dead bodies, Rick and Dee Dee finally get it on in a
series of positively Bergman-esque flashbacks– and a shiveringly unresolved
ending. Mulder and Scully got nothin’ on this heat. Truly, the crap cop show’s
finest hour. Episode: A. Series: C+. TVLand, March 25th at 1 pm.

I’m sure it was the best episode. Morgan has a knack for writing the episode everybody remembers…no matter what series he’s on.  For instance, his STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION episode "The Inner Light" was an instant classic, a Hugo-award winning script that every other STAR TREK series felt duty-bound to ripoff at least once, and sometimes twice (most recently on the ENTERPRISE episode "Twilight").

Another Brilliant Idea for a TV Series That Will Change the Very Course of Mankind

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I got this email today:

Dear Mr. Goldberg,

I read the story about the woman who wanted a shortcut into the television arena. I can understand where she’s coming from on that. But how about the individual who doesn’t have 22 scripts or wants to make  the big bucks? How about the individual who has an idea that begs for a  collaborator…and you don’t know who to call (man! the theme from Ghostbusters
haunts after all these years!!!)? What if the idea isn’t a different type of children’s show? What if it is a story that is based on something Jews, Christians, and Muslims would buy into? What if it is show Oprah would love if  her staff would listen to someone who doesn’t have an agent (again? Who do you
really go to here?)? What if it is a show that NARAS would love because it would help the sales of music, and the industry would appreciate because it helps young writers showcase their talent? There are so many "what ifs" that Creed would have a run for their money. Simply put. Some guys have that place on the perch and others who want to get half way there…just don’t know how. But all it takes is just someone to reach out and give someone a chance (ah! yes, the theme from Mahogany….) Such is life…

Here’s how I replied:

I’ve answered this one so many times, I should probably just use a boilerplate.  So here’s the shorthand version. Again.

Ideas are cheap, execution is everything. No one buys ideas. What the networks are buying are scripts and proven producing skill.  BLIND JUSTICE is not a  great idea.  What ABC bought was Steven Bochco and his stellar writing/producing team doing a show about a blind cop.  It doesn’t matter whether your idea will appeal to Jews, Muslims,  Christians and lovable chipmunks.  No one cares whether Oprah, Ellen, or Biff The Talking Wonder Chimp would love your idea or not.  No one cares if your idea will revolutionize the entire entertainment industry, the American culture, and life as we know it.

No wants to hear your idea. Especially me.

Virtual Bookworm

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I got this email today:

I am considering publishing with Virtual Bookworm. I saw them listed on your list. Anymore you can tell me  about  them.

They are a print-on-demand publisher, also known as a "vanity press." They will not get your books distributed to stores. They will not promote your book. And you will have difficulty getting the book reviewed or taken seriously by anyone (not to mention selling any copies). You may have even more problems than that… just a simple "Google" search on them turns up nothing but complaints and warnings, like this one:

Writer Beware has received a number of complaints about Virtual Bookworm. Most involve unpaid royalties, or royalty statements that don’t reflect the actual  number of books sold. Some authors are looking into legal action.

I found all that out in about 8.5 seconds. Have you done any research at all yourself? If so, you wouldn’t be asking me about them.  If you are intent on paying to have your book published, try  iUniverse.

California Girl

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There’s been a lot of hoopla surrounding T. Jefferson Parker’s CALIFORNIA GIRL, including an Edgar nomination, but  (you can probably see where this is going) I was underwhelmed. T.J. Parker  is one of my favorite writers and I look forward to each of his books. While I liked CALIFORNIA GIRL, I didn’t think it was his best work or the crowning achievement of his career, as some of my friends have said. To me, that honor has to go to SILENT JOE, which is still my favorite of his books.  I also liked LAGUNA HEAT, BLUE HOUR and RED LIGHT a lot… and more than CALIFORNIA GIRL (then again, you can’t go wrong with any of his books).

That’s not to say CALIFORNIA GIRL isn’t a fine book with lots going for it… but after all the hoopla, and the terrific books of his that preceded it, I was expecting more. Perhaps that was the problem…the reviews and the acclaim amped my expectations way too high.

Branding

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Branding is the big word in publishing these days, even if you aren’t writing a series. Take  the latest novel by my friend Loraine Despres. 8635462 She wrote a terrific, highly-acclaimed novel that came out last year called  THE SCANDALOUS SUMMER OF SISSY LEBLANC, the cover of which is to the left (click for a larger image) . Her new novel THE BAD BEHAVIOR OF BELLE CANTRALL isn’t a sequel, but you wouldn’t know looking at the cover.  Belle4rub2_1Because the publisher created a distinct look for Loraine’s first  novel, they were able to repeat it for the second and establish a visual "brand" for her (I bet if she wrote a dark crime novel for the publisher, they’d probably use the same cover style). Will the branding work? Who knows…but  have you noticed how similar the covers for Anita Shreve‘s last few books have been? It’s obviously been working for her. I hope it does for Loraine, too.

The Darkest Depths of Man

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I had to go in to see a doctor for a flexible sigmoidoscopy. For those of you who don’t know what that means, a doctor shoves a tube up your butt and takes a sightseeing tour of your colon.  This probably qualifies as "more about me than you ever wanted to know," but if not, read on.

The doctor who performed this thrilling task was a strikingly beautiful young woman…which made me even more uncomfortable than the exam itself. I would have preferred if my doctor was a man…or if  she looked like the rectum she was examining.

Here’s my question to you: what difference did it make? I’m a very happily married man and would never stray… so I’m definitely not on the make (and even if I was, the offices of a colon & rectum specialist isn’t really the hottest pick-up spot in town. "Hey, baby, now that you’ve seen my rectum, want to go out some time?" or "This has been fun. What do you say you pull that garden hose out of my butt and lets go to dinner?").  So why was I more uncomfortable with an attractive woman doing the exam
than I would have been with a man or an atrociously ugly woman?

(And why do I have a feeling of deja vu with this post? Have I asked this question before? Or is this a question my bowel-movement obsessed brother has asked on his blog or his old newspaper column?)