My Blog

Lots of Killing

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maddiesignsThat’s the title of my daughter Madison’s first novel in her “Adventures of Kitty Wonder” series… which she wrote, illustrated, edited, and published, just in time for my signings at Mysteries to Die For in Thousand Oaks and the Mystery Book Store in Westwood. I’m pleased to say she captivated the audience and sold out her entire first printing.

Aldo Calcagno, aka The Mystery Dawg, was kind enough to report on the event on his blog… and post some pictures… one of which I borrowed to illustrate this post.

Maddie’s books are about the adventures of the Kitty Crew… Earthquake Kitty (who has the power to stop earthquakes with a special gadget), Hole Kitty (who’s job is to be nice and kind to other people except monsters, which she gladly kills) and Super Kitty (who’s job it is help people when they fall out of bed). Together they are a crime fighting team who take on thieves, Giant Robots (in the sequel, “Robots Fighting”) and mutated piranha.

The characters are inspired by the stuffed Beatrix Potter Tom Kittens she’s kept as her “security blanket”/”cuddle toy.” One kitty she’s had since her days in a crib (Hole Kitty), one was stowed in her pre-school earthquake kit to comfort her in case of disaster (Earthquake Kitty), and the other (Super Kitty) was a spare we kept in case the other two beloved stuffed animals ever got trashed…hence their names and super powers.

Maddie’s publisher informs me the books are going into a second printing just as soon as she gets a new printer cartridge…which means the 25 folks who bought the first printing now have a valuable collector’s item…

How NOT to Sell Your Book to Television

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I got this unsolicited email today:

I have published a book and am interested in selling the television rights. I will send you a copy upon request, but you can go to http://www.authorhouse.com/ and see a synopsis and excerpts from sample chapters. The book is titled "Six Days of the Pigs" and I wrote it under the pen name R.J. Carrie-Reddington. In retrospect, it was probably a mistake to publish it under a pen name, but if you are interested, I can explain my reasons for doing so. Thanks for your attention. If you are interested in representing me, please advise.

How’s that for salesmanship? After reading that compelling pitch, is it any wonder this book was self-published? Ordinarily, I would have deleted the message and moved on… but I’m writing under an insane deadline, so any opportunity for procrastination is, of course, welcome. And I haven’t posted anything on my blog in a while. So I checked out the site. Here’s how R.J. Carrie-Reddington describes his novel:

A story about the people of Eastern North Carolina, awash with hogs, and the men, women and children caught in a mixture of loving and fighting between the love of good living and the love of money. The story is about how powerful politicians and bureaucrats are pitted against citizens who want to live a life of quality. It tells about six days of fast-moving events which are the culmination of simmering happenings of romance, illicit sex and violence that leads to murder. The six days end with a horrific tale of fire and mass destruction, and teaches a lesson. The plot was set in a real time of events. The story depicts the interaction between power and money seekers and those average folks who kept functioning routinely each day…

I’m not sure I’ve ever read a book where "the plot was set in a real time of events." So I gave the first chapter a peek…and didn’t get past the powerful first line:

Midway between dawn and sunrise the Tuesday morning air, heavy with nature’s fog, reeked with the acrid odor of pig feces as the skinny white man stood at the edge of the front porch, listening to Addie cry.

Now I know why he approached me. I’m a skinny white man and I wrote for "The Highwayman." If anyone can make television that reeks of the acrid odor of pig feces, it’s me!

I’m an Actor Now…

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Last week, I had my first acting role in a half-hour comedy. I got to play…

Lee Goldberg.

That’s right, I had to play me. A complex, compelling character with lots of quirky levels.

The role was part of a TV Land pilot called TV KITSCHEN, starring Martin Mull and Fred Willard. It’s a scripted talkshow (ala FERNWOOD TONIGHT) about TV culture. The pilot was written by Tom Hill and directed by Ted Lange, the bartender from THE LOVE BOAT. I was invited as a “Television Expert” to introduce clips from busted pilots which, if TV KITSCHEN goes, would be a regular feature of the show.

I’ve been on TV before as a guest — talking about my books, or pilots, or whatever series I’m doing — and I’m usually very relaxed and comfortable on camera. But this was the first time I had to learn lines and “act” natural… and do it opposite two comedy legends who like to improvise.

I was probably awful but it was exciting and I had a great time. And Ted Lange told me I’m a natural. Did I mention he was on THE LOVE BOAT? Every actor in television was on that show at one time or another. If Ted doesn’t know raw acting talent when he sees it, who does?

So after much thought, I’ve decided that if Pierce Brosnan really is stepping down as Bond, I’d like to throw my name in for consideration.

More “Best TV Shows…” Review

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From ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY-

The Best TV Shows That Never Were (ABC, TV-PG)
You couldn’t pay me to watch ABC crap like According to Jim (wait a minute, they do pay me to watch that…or at least they used to), but John Denver as a karate-chopping, guitar-strumming FBI agent? I’m in. So in. Denver’s turn in Higher Ground is just one of the failed TV pilots that turn up in this fun and fast-paced special, which also includes Peter Boyle reincarnated as a talking bulldog in something called Poochinski. That’s right, you heard me-Poochinski. B+ (Dalton Ross)

From PEOPLE

Finally airing after two years on ABC’s shelf, this summer special turns a bunch of lemons into refreshing lemonade. Best TV Shows, based on the book Unsold Television Pilots by coexecutive producer Lee Goldberg, is a breezy hour of clips from sample episodes of series that the networks decided against ordering. Not surprisingly, most of them stink- which is why the special is such a good time. You’ll slap your head in disbelief- try not to hurt yourself- at the idea of John Denver as a singing FBI agent. You’ll wonder whether Joe Penny as a samurai district attorney would have been funnier – unintentionally – that John Belushi’s Saturday Night Live. And you’ll think Scott Bakula is pretty down to earth in Star Trek: Enterprise after you see him in a busted pilot as a wacky scientist who accidentally merges with a satellite. For tube-historians, this is a must see. (3 out of 4 stars)

From TV GUIDE:

Actually, most of this cheeky clip-show special consists of appallingly bad scenes from the worst high concept television pilots ever rejected by the networks: Dennis Franz rides a horse in NYPD MOUNTED; Peter Boyle plays a dead cop reincarnated as a dog in POOCHINSKI and John Denver fights — and sings — as an FBI agent in HIGHER GROUND. Although it’s an entertaining hour, you’ll find yourself echoing the refrains “What were they thinking?” and “Look at that stupid thing!” SCORE 7 out of 10.

HOLLYWOOD REPORTER on “Best TV Shows That Never Were”

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TV Review: The Best TV Shows That Never Were
Fri Aug 13, 2004 02:06 AM ET

By Marilyn Moss
LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) – It’s not a new idea, but it’s still a funny one: to sew together a slew of “almost made it” pilots that never hit the air and until now would never have been missed or mourned.

But now, in this hilarious (not to mention educational, in the funniest sense of the word) one-hour compilation of never-was, never-happened pilots, we get a treat. “The Best TV Shows That Never Were” is must-see TV.

The hour is divided by genres, of course, such as the crime show, the sitcom, the drama. We open with detective crime series that never made it, and we see Dennis Franz riding a horse (and not too well at all) in a failed pilot (are you ready?) called “NYPD Mounted.” That one rode off into the sunset really fast. Then we find out that a detective drama called “Bunco” never made it off the assembly line because the network, which like all the others remains nameless, thought its two stars, Robert Urich and Tom Selleck, could not carry a show.

We also find Marilu Henner, post-“Taxi,” starring as a woman just released from a mental institution who ends up running a television station (this one’s a comedy, of course). Let’s not forget John Denver as a singing detective in another lost and sterling television creation. The list goes on, and tuning in is highly recommended.

Reuters/Hollywood Reporter

Why I Won’t Read Your Script, Book, or Epic Poem

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Lots of people ask me to read their books and scripts… relatives, friends, my Mom’s friends, friends of my Mom’s friends, and as you’ve noticed from postings here over the last few months, complete strangers. My brother Tod, in his weekly column, describes one reason why I offer any excuse I can think of *not* to read people’s stuff…

there was a letter waiting for me from a man named Kevin. A month earlier, my cousin Leigh asked if I’d read Kevin’s epic poem as a favor to her–he cuts her hair–and see if I could help him on his quest to get it published. I said sure. I read the epic poem, offered some advice to Kevin on it, including an honest critique, and spent a good two hours of my life on his work. He sent me a two-page, single-spaced letter in return essentially calling me an idiot who obviously didn’t appreciate quality writing and that I should re-evaluate why I’ve chosen the career I’ve chosen and that he hopes I choke.

The smartest thing I ever did was co-write a book on breaking into television… now I just tell people to buy my book. All the advice I have to offer is there…

(Oh, I should add one exception…my wife’s best friend showed me her first novel. It was incredible… certainly better than any book I’ve ever written. She writes with such confidence, power and grace… I knew as I was reading it that she was a natural born writer. I immediately tried to convince my agent, and a couple other agents I knew, to take her on. Sadly, she’s still looking for representation…)

TV Tie-Ins Are Crap

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A woman recently approached me at a signing for my latest DM book and said she hadn’t read them until now because “everybody knows TV tie-ins are crap.” She loved my book, but had to get past her built-in distrust of anything with a TV character’s face on the cover.

What got her to take a chance on my book was the blurbs from authors she trusted and enjoyed…. otherwise, she never would have picked it up. She was stunned that the book wasn’t hack work (she’s also started reading Max Alan Collins’ “CSI” books and is loving them…)

This got me wondering… is her general opinion about TV tie-ins something most people share? Does everybody immediately look at a TV tie-in mystery and think “it’s got to be hack work?” This hasn’t stopped the “Star Trek” novels from becoming huge hits…and an industry unto themselves. But is this a fluke? What do you think? And if you share her opinion, what would it take to get you to give a TV-inspired novel a chance?

The Mail I Get

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As an on-going feature of my blog, I share some of the strange emails I get from complete strangers. Most of these strangers want to sell me their script, book, or TV show ideas…even though I’m not a network, studio, or publishing company… but a writer/producer with his own scripts, books and TV show ideas to sell.

This particular pitch is for a reality show. The teacher who sent this didn’t even bother to address it to me personally or to take the time to find out whether this is even the kind of show I do — which it isn’t.

Someone should teach this teacher that spamming complete strangers with her ideas is an inane way to sell a show…

Then again, I think I just did.

Diane Bancroft
Special Education Teacher
Potter-Thomas Elementary School
Philadelphia, PA 19446

Mailing Address:
415 Acorn Street
Lansdale, PA 19446

August 10, 2004

Dear Producer:

This letter seeks to promote my concept for a reality based television show. I am writing to you specifically because I believe that you favor diverse and minority centered programming that helps me connect with minorities outside of my anglo-suburbanite experience.

To provide a brief description of my unique qualifications and experience, I would like you to know that I have been a teacher for five years. This will be my third year in a bilingual school in North Philadelphia. I work in a section of the city that may or may not still be known as the Badlands. Steve Lopez wrote a book about our neighborhood entitled Third and Indiana. I work on Sixth and Indiana and often have situations in the classroom and in the neighborhood that would make a Vietnam Vet revert to infancy. Since
the last administration failed to fund the NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND law and it is time for an election, I feel that a reality based tv show focusing on the specific needs of new teachers within the nation’s most dangerous schools would highlight the issues that we deal with when teaching in an urban
setting that most people would not otherwise consider. We teachers who chose to teach in the nation’s public schools are unsung soldiers in a forgotten war that is taking place amidst the smouldering ashes of the War on Drugs.

Consider this outline:

In The Front Row: Staying Ahead with America’s Most Courageous Teachers In the Badlands of the School District of Philadelphia

Setting:

Cigar Factory Condominiums in Northern Liberties ($369,000)
Sometimes in the classroom (minimum of 4 teaching evaluations per
teacher/year)
Sometimes on SEPTA
Sometimes at the Boriquen Bella or otherwise in the neighborhood
Sometimes in the teachers lounge, principal’s office, police station, etc.
Sometimes on the recess yard.
Sometimes professionally handling a really difficult behavioral situation.
Sometimes in church???? You don’t think we would survive without prayer!

Characters:

Five willing, new, young teachers, diverse and at least semi-bilingual.

Objectives:

1. To expose the difficulties and dramas of a profession considered to be
“easy.”
2. To showcase Philadelphia, it’s pros and cons, and it‘s beauty and
squallor.
3. To influence public opinion towards educational legislation
4. To help five new teachers improve and develop as teachers
5. To recruit potential teachers to the city of Philadelphia
6. To improve conditions for the school children of Potter-Thomas
7. To heighten awareness towards urban education

Rationale:

Being a teacher in North Philadelphia is an experience that shapes every aspect of my life. I have always wanted to be an educator. Probably since I was eight years old. The teacher let me teach part of a class. I was instantly hooked. In North Philadelphia, it is not unusual to see millions of crack vials. Sometimes people leave their works right in front of the school. I’ve seen a razor blade in the playground outside of the kindergarten classroom. Sometimes I go to student’s homes because phones are disconnected, or mom is watching several young children and can not get away. Once I almost got carjacked right in front of the school. I want people to see these images in this day of terrorism. I want them to see school aged-children hanging upside down from the handle of a moving ice cream truck and then justify to me why Philadelphia has slashed funding for rec centers. I want people to know that my colleague was hit with a board with nails sticking out of it as he tried to teach an emergency coverage when no substitute could be
provided. People need to see what a crack baby looks like when he flips out. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

The public will fall in love with our young educators who are so fresh, street tough, idealistic, and bilingual!! We have a formidable administrative team comprised of minority women I respect and adore and I
really want to see us all succeed. I believe this project will get us there!

Please help me by forwarding my ideas to an able bodied producer who can really sink his or her teeth into this sort of project. I expect that it will take us a little over a year to shoot and produce. There will
certainly be nor shortage of drama, humor, or material!

Sincerely yours,

Diane Bancroft Thomson

Cats in the Cradle

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My father, Alan Goldberg, died unexpectedly last week. We weren’t close, but I was the only one of his five children and two step children to attend his funeral up in Portland Oregon on Thursday…which says more about him as a father, and more eloquently, than I ever could.I struggled over whether or not to go and finally decided I had to — for me, not for him. I said a few words… and although my sister Linda and brother Tod didn’t attend, they also offered their thoughts… Linda on her blog and Tod in his weekly newspaper column . My comments weren’t much different than what they had to say…