The Mail I Get

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I got this irresistable offer tonight:

Dear Webmaster,

Today while searching good link partner to my website I came across through your great website And willing to exchange link with your quality site.

As you know reciprocal linking is very useful for high ranking on Google.

If you are agree to exchange link with our site then please add following information on your site 

If you have any query please do not hesitate to contact me! 

Waiting for your quick an positive reply.    

Thanks and Regards,
Michel Ponting

The links were all to bootleg video sites for episodes of Battlestar Galatica, Babylon Five, Charmed and other SF shows. Clearly, English is not this guy's first language. And the only thing dumber than asking me to link to a bootleg video site would be to link to one bootlegging my shows.

And guess what? He did that, too. The dimwit.

“Charles Manson Calling, Will You Accept the Charges?”

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Twice in the last two days I've received automated calls from Global Telelink Advance Pay Authorization Payment Services asking me if I would accept collect calls from the Pritchess Detention Center, East Facility. Obviously, I hung up…but I have to wonder, how did those prisoners get my number and what makes them think I'd let them make calls on my account?

The Dead Man is Alive!

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0460 Lee Goldberg Dead Man Series_V2_3Amazon re-launched THE DEAD MAN series an hour ago…and with it, their 47North imprint. They are pricing the books at 99 cents for a very limited time. You can read all about the creation & writing of the series today on the Amazon Kindle Post blog and on the product page for Face of Evil. In addition, there are interviews with each of the individual authors on the product pages for Ring of Knives, The Dead Woman, and Blood Mesa.

The Mail I Get

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I received this email this morning. I have removed the author’s last name to spare him embarrassment. 

Hello,

My name is Sean L.

I discovered you through J.A. Konrath’s blog.

Basically, I’m just getting into the world of self-publishing. I’ve recently published my first ebook through the Kindle and I’m looking for ways to get my name out there to the masses.

If you’re interested in helping me, I have a few ideas.

Thank you for your time!

Regards,

Sean

Here is the reply that I just sent him:

I am so glad that you have some ideas to help me get your name out there to the masses, because I am stumped.

I set everything aside that I was doing this morning, including writing my book that’s due on Nov. 1 and my efforts to publicize Amazon/47North’s launch of the “Dead Man” series this week, to put some serious thought into how to make you a success, and my mind was just a blank. Maybe that’s because you’re a complete stranger to me, but that’s no excuse for my lack of inspiration.

This is so incredibly frustrating for me since I know how important reaching the masses is for you. But rest assured, I will be devoting the day, if not the entire month, perhaps even the remaining days of my life, to this important task, so please forward to me as soon as humanly possible your  ideas on how I can best promote you.

Lee

His response:

So…..no then?

He may be clueless, but at least he has a sense of humor.

The Mail I Get

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I got this email from Mark Sanders, a MONK fan.

I enjoy watching the reruns of Monk and reading your book, Mr. Monk and The Dirty Cop.   Though the personality Natalie had in the book, seemed more like Sharona.   It was a good read, however, I don't think I would have paid the $22.00 cover price.    I got it on sell for $5.00.

I replied:

I'm so glad that you were able to find my book at a bargain price. Of course, that means we'll have to eat beans this week… 

Good Writing Advice

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I found an excellent piece of writing advice in Randy Boyagoda's  New York Times review of Charlies Frazier's novel Nightwoods.

It’s too bad the writing gets in the way of the storytelling — or, to be truer to Frazier, it’s plangently unfortunate the writing style gets all up and troublesome-like in the whisper-leaved way of the true and fine telling of this terrible and valiant tale of priapic violence and distaff recompense. A little girl doesn’t hurt her nose, she “pierced the wing of her nostril.” Bottles don’t spill or break, they are left “shattering with spewing concussion” and falling “in festive breakage.” Furniture doesn’t just age with time and use, but instead is “buffed to a pale silver nub by many decades of buttocks.” Writing that invites this much attention, that so strives to concentrate our attention on its effects, has to achieve more than precious and overwrought evocation.

That's so true. If you're a writer, that's advice worth remembering.

Short but Sweet

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0Guyot ecover 3SD_2A few years ago, I was one of the judges for Michael Connelly's MWA anthology The Blue Religion. We got hundreds of blind submissions from unidentified authors eager to fill the half-dozen openings for stories that weren't being commissioned by Mike. One of the very best stories, out of those hundreds of submissions, was What A Wonderful World, which we later learned was by veteran TV writer/producer Paul Guyot, who now toils on Leverage.

When critics reviewed The Blue Religion, they inevitably picked Paul's story as one of the stand-outs…and for good reason. It's a powerful piece of writing. Now you can grab it for just 99 cents on the Kindle.

But wait, there's more. You can also get three of  Paul'sother memorable, and highly acclaimed short stories in Three Stories Down, a steal at $2.99.

This will have to satisfy you until Paul finally writes that novel he's been promising for years… 

(The great covers for Paul's Kindle books are by the amazing Jeroen Ten Berge)

The Mail I Get – Review Bot Edition

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I have been getting a lot of  book review requests that I assume are generated by some kind of "review bot" that has mined my name from Amazon. Here's an example:

Dear Lee Goldberg:

I got your name from the list of Amazon Top Reviewers. I’ve written a book, “When The Shadows Began To Dance.” I noticed from your Amazon profile that you frequently review spiritual fantasy books. If you think you might be interested in reading my book and posting an honest review of it on Amazon, I’ll gladly send a complimentary copy if you’ll reply with your postal mailing address. There is no obligation, of course.

Best Regards,

Yamaya Cruz

I have never reviewed a spiritual fantasy book in my life, Yamaya Cruz. So I don't know why you think I would like to read your book, Yamaya Cruz. I hope, Yamaya Cruz, that you didn't spend a lot of money on this ineffective mailing campaign.

I also don't review get-rich-quick books, though that didn't stop me from getting this:

 

Hello Lee:

I got your name from Amazon's list of Top Reviewers. I've written a book, "1-800-Awesome: Tactics for Making $10,000 an Hour" and I noticed from your Amazon profile that you frequently review a variety of book genres. I have read some of your reviews and found them to be thoughtful and well written and I value your opinion.

If you are interested in reviewing my book, please email back and I will send you a free PDF version.  I sincerely appreciate your help.

Thank you!

Chris Rugh

I'm sure Chris has never read one of my reviews. If he had, he'd know this is not a book that would ever appeal to me.  I would much rather read "1-800-Awesome:  Tactics For Not Getting Spammed for Reviews by Dimwit Authors."

Speaking of bots…

My brother Tod, who has been nominated for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize and has many published novels to his credit, recently got a solicitation from Kyle Oakeson, who is trying to raise money to fund a publishing  outfit called CentsPress. The email read, in part:

Hello, 

I found your information from your website/blog. I like your writing, and I thought I would inform you about an upcoming publishing company that I will be starting this year that can help you to make a little change for your work.

[…]CentsPress will be an online marketplace for hobby and novice writers, and it bridges the gap between unpublished or self-published authors and professional authors. Essentially, authors will be able to list an ebook on the website of either a short-story, poetry, or short drama–anything less than 32pgs. Once listed, the work becomes available for purchase by the world. But that's not the cool thing about what CentsPress does. CentsPress is designed around socializing with, tracking, and gathering important input from audiences. 

Right now I'm in the fundraising/financing business stage. I've started a crowd funding campaign online […]  I encourage you to go check it out. 

To which my brother replied:

Hi Kyle, 

I'm really glad you like my writing. What's your favorite part of my writing? Is it my hobby writing or my novice writing? It's important for me to know before I send you some money.
Tod
To which Kyle responded:
Tod,
Sorry about that, maybe you know of some writers who would take an interest in this project. Obviously it isn't for everyone–anyone who has already been published, like yourself, probably wouldn't take an interest in it…
-Kyle
Then why the hell did you send him your lame solicitation, Kyle? If this is any indication of your attention to detail, and how you will be running your publishing company, you are doomed to failure (but, having seen his pitch, I think he's pretty much doomed anyway).
It never ceases to amaze me how lazy and inept aspiring authors and publishers can be when trying to whip up attention for themselves. There isn't anything quite as lazy and inept as sending a solicitation to someone you claim to be familiar with and yet clearly know nothing about…