Lee Goldberg

The Mail I Get

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I got the following emails this week from self-published authors eager to get some attention for their books, both of which were "published" by Booksurge. I have removed the names of the authors and the links, but otherwise the emails are unedited: 

Hi Lee,

I would be grateful if you could read my new book and provide an Amazon review. Here's a link to my site: xyz.
If you are interested in the book, give me a mailing address and I will mail you a copy. 

I wonder why he didn't ask me to blog about it rather than leave an Amazon review. It's not a very persuasive pitch, but it's positively irresistible compared to the following one from publicist Paul J. Stupin at DirectContactPR:

Mr. Lee Goldberg Blogger,

Can we interest you in taking a look at this captivating crime and mystery novel by author XYZ? Please provide us with your best street address so we can send you a review copy.

Paul J. Stupin, Publicist for [Author's Name]

That compelling, captivating, and powerful pitch was followed by summary of the book's plot, which began:

Vancouver based author [Author's Name miss-spelled] drew upon his 20 years as an insurance salesman to create a riveting tale of crime and punishment in the big city.

His new book, XYZ, is a devious page turner all about a Chicago Tribune reporter, named Miles Fischer. He’s wrapping up what he thinks is just another rape and murder trial, until the two convicted felons are found dead from a crossbow, in the muddy parking lot of a rundown bar just days after their surprising acquittal.

It turns out the guy who wrote me this pitch is the author of  TRASH PROOF PRESS RELEASES: THE SUREFIRE WAY TO GET PUBLICITY…and this, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those trash-proof, sure-fire press releases. 

Honest. I'm not kidding.

Paul charges $500 for a national, email publicity package. But if you can't afford a campaign of trash-proof, sure-fire emails like the one I got, he only charges $100 to critique your press releases. Who wouldn't want the master behind this trash-proof, surefire publicity email to give you some pointers? Why, that'd be a deal at 10 times the price!  But if that's still too pricey for you, maybe he'll give you a discount in return for teaching him the proper use of a comma.

Do Fish Have Loins?

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My Mom writes on her Active Senior Living blog about a marketing event at the senior living facility where she set her book:

It's so damn dumb. It's a senior prom and there are women downstairs dressed like they are preparing to walk down the aisle as the grandmother of the bride. Lots of pastel shaded lace suits and dresses. I almost got the giggles looking at them. All the furniture is out of the lobby and replaced with cocktail tables and it is decorated like New Year's Eve.. a five piece " orchestra" will play for dancing. The dance started at 5:30 an goes until 8 so we were all told we had to eat dinner at 4:00 and by 3:30 the dining room was full of people, me included. I wasn't even hungry which was good cus dinner was loin of cod. Do fish have loins? I ordered sausage and eggs, ate that and got the hell out before the public began arriving to wine and dine and dance with free champagne and bite size goodies like meat balls, which Jay said were probably better than our dinner. Ah ,the joys of this lifestyle! Guess I can always write about that for the sequel to Active Senior Living.

UPDATE: My Mom blogged about the post-cod loins menu and I laughed so hard that I hard to share it with you:

After baked loin of cod as our menu choice last night … and who ever knew cod had loins, I expected tonight's choice to be roasted leg of Rainbow Trout. Our chef is very creative and not always in a good way. His seasoning of choice is always jalapeno and gravy is on everything. Same gravy, no matter was the entree is. I've gotten used to eating cold mashed potatoes, over cooked beef and chicken that is less than tender but the good news is I haven't lost any weight. Maybe that is because I do the feeding tube for breakfast and most days for lunch , too, and that gives me some good calories.
When we are served a meal that is less than desirable I am reminded of what my friend Ed told me ( and I put in the book Active Senior Living) and that was that he figured the food budget per resident was about $7 a day. " it's like Boy Scout camp," he had said, " only here we have indoor plumbing."
I've talked to residents at other active senior complexes and it is the same story everywhere.. not just here and not just in California. The food tends to be the least most attractive thing about the place. But , as my friend Betsy says, " we didn't have to go get the groceries, cook the meal, clear the table or do the dishes. They can cook it any way they want and it's fine with me!"

The Mail I Get

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This is my favorite fan letter of the week:

I read a book of Criminal Minds by another author and really enjoyed it. The story was true to the characters and I learned even more about them. Everything was written very true to the TV series. Mr. Monk is Miserable, however, is way off base from the TV series. One, pill or not, Monk hates to fly and I don’t believe he would agree to fly so often because of a little pill. Is it too hard to come up with stories in the country of America that can be driven to? […] couldn’t even finish the book because it was so devastatingly off course and I would never recommend the books to anybody else. I think you need to do better research to stay true to the TV series. Read Criminal Minds and you’ll get an idea of what YOU SHOULD BE DOING!

I don’t have rhythm

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Since my surgery on Wednesday, I have been trying to write with my dictation software. It hasn't gone well. Not because of the software, which has been working fine (I am using it to write this post). The problem is me and it's mental. Or maybe tactile. Or both.For some reason, the act of typing is very much linked creatively to writing for me. The dictation software has been fine for things like this post, but for fiction, it has been problematic. My sentences are coming out stilted. The words just aren't flowing. Granted, I have other handicaps working against my creativity now…pain, discomfort, drugs. Even so, I feel like I need the tactile connection/sensation of fingers on the keys to really get into the groove, the rhythm of writing. That rhythm is missing for me without the act of typing. I guess it's like trying to dance while belted into a chair. On the plus side, I seem to be a better speller with the dictation software … at least when the software gets my words right, which surprisingly is most of the time.

Yesterday I wrote an essay for the Edgar Award program and what would have taken me maybe an hour took me a lot longer. It was easier than trying to dictate fiction, though. Maybe with practice I get better at it. I hope to be back typing with my right hand again very soon.

I’m Going Under The Knife

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..and not for the long overdue nose job, pec implants and scrotum lift.

As I mentioned a few days ago, I’m having more surgery on my right arm again today so I may be absent here for a while…

Then again, I said that before my second surgery on my arm a few years back…and I blogged the next day using my dictation software. This blogging thing is an addiction, my friends…or a desperate cry for attention…or both.

UPDATE 2-10-10: thank you for all your kind comments and support.I wasn’t able to watch the surgery this time because my arm was taking too long to numb-up so he had to knock me out.  The surgery lasted a little over an hour and my modest doctor tells me he “performed another miracle” so all is well. My arm is still numb, so I am feeling no pain…yet. I am writing this using my dictation software and am stunned at how accurate it is. Okay, time to go eat some cookies and drink some gatorade.  

You Go, Girl!

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Mom's Cover for Amazon  My Mom, Jan Curran, is thrilled about the tremendous reader response that her memoir Active Senior Living has been getting on Amazon, the Kindle Discussion forums, and on the Kindleboard. Here are just a few examples. G Murphy writes:

This is such a heartwarming story. It helps to take the scaryness out of an independant living home. So many seniors have false impressions of the senior homes and negative ideas of living in one. This just confirms to me that having social contacts and friends as you age is so important to a person's well being. The friendships shared in this home give each resident a purpose in life and make living fun. I am 67 and have visited a senior living home in our area as a volunteer. I can so relate to the story in this book as see these people living in the residence in my town. I have told my family for years that this is the kind of place I want to live when I can no longer live alone. Friends and a sense of being needed and loved are such an important part of ones wellbeing. Jan has made us feel like we know each and everyone of these people. I look forward to another book continuing the experiences she is having. I found this book on the Kindle forum page. Good luck to you Jan. I feel I know you.

Lesley Suddard wrote:

I found myself laughing and crying with Jan, reliving her experiences moving in and settling into life at an "Active Senior Living Community", her encounters with the other "inmates", and the sweetness of the interactions with the residents there as they developed bonding friendships. Not only is this an entertaining read, but it is also an enlightening one. With my parents approaching the age where either an independent senior living facility or an assisted one may soon be required, the insights into the advantages and the pitfalls of these facilities provide kind of a guidepost for what to look for when evaluating various alternatives.

Cathy B wrote:

I bought this book for my Kindle yesterday afternoon and stayed up reading until I'd finished it. By the time I was done I felt like I knew all the people Jan met during her stay in assisted living and was as attached to them as she obviously is (and they to her). I am hoping that one day soon she will write a follow-up book so I can find out how all of "my" new friends are doing. After reading this book, I realized that even at 80 or 90 life is what you make of it. Like any other time of life, there are joys and sorrows, smiles and tears. AND there are "kooks" in every age group, LOL. Please, Jan, don't make me wait too long for an update. And give "Ed" and the others a hug from me.

Molly Cook wrote:

You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll recognize human nature no matter how old you are, but if you're over 65, you'll probably recognize yourself and one or more of your friends. Jan is a wonderful writer who can make you laugh and shed tears in the same paragraph. Her personal account of life at "the Inn" and her courage in the face of mounting challenges show us she is the Energizer Bunny of writers. You'll be glad you met Jan Curran!

Kari Johnson writes:

Rarely do I laugh out loud while reading a book. Maybe while at home, but certainly not while reading in public. Today, I'm sure the patrons at the restaurant I lunched at thought I was nuts. Maybe it was reading about Mr. Jones and Carol Channing. Maybe because I can remember so clearly when my grandparents lived in one of these places at all the women swarmed around my very married grandfather, begging him to play the piano and sing with them. It brought back many of my own memories of hanging out with them at their facility. I cannot wait to share this book with my parents. And siblings. And children someday.

Congratulations Mom on touching so many lives with your book!

Author Solutions is No Solution

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Author-solutions  Kevin Weiss, the CEO of the vanity press Author Solutions, posted a video on YouTube asking the Mystery Writers of America, Science Fiction Writers of America, and the Romance Writers of America to meet with him to discuss all the ways he's "helping writers."  This from a man who charges writers thousands of dollars to print their book…and then, in the unlikely event they ever sell copies, takes a huge chunk of their royalties, too. Yeah, Kev, that's a big help. Thanks so much.

Author Solutions, incidentally, is the company that Harlequin partnered with to create their own vanity press operation, initially called "Harlequin Horizons" and quickly redubbed DellArte after the announcement created an uproar. The partnership, and Harlequin's practice of referring rejected authors to DellArte (among other things), led to Harlequin being delisted as an Approved Publisher by just about every major professional writers organization out there. Naturally, this disturbs Kev, who is hoping to peddle similar partnerships to other publishers.

Author Shiloh Walker posted a lengthy, and very detailed, critique of his message on her blog. Here's an excerpt:

You talk about open discourse, and honesty and offering choices, yet do you
openly make aware to your `customers' that while they may spend thousands, you
were quoted as saying in the New York Times that the average number of titles
sold through one of your brands was 150? […] The writer shouldn't pay thousands to 'self-publish' and then have to share the profits.

[…] The organizations you're calling out to `discuss' things are the advocates for
writers. Period. A writer that goes in with you is likely to spend thousands
sell…how many books? Unless you can guarantee me four, five figures, (1000
books, 10,000) there's nothing about your company that has me interested in
telling either of my writer organizations, "Hey, maybe these people can offer
choices to those who are seriously pursuing a writing career."

There's no reason for any professional writers organization to meet with Weiss. Their beef is with Harlequin, a real publisher, not with his vanity press. Such a meeting would only give him, by association, the credibility he so desperately seeks. And let's face it, Authors Solutions is not a publisher, it's an outrageously over-priced printer. Nor is it a maverick offering a genuine alternative for authors. In fact, Author Solutions is no solution at all. Banner_Logo  

What he fails to mention in his videos (for good reason) is that an author can print their book in trade paperback or hardcover FOR FREE through companies like Lulu and Blurb (the companies take their share when a book is bought by a reader, but the author sets the purchase price)…or get their books on Amazon, at no charge with no middleman at all, using the Kindle platform. Writers can get everything Author Solutions offers elsewhere with no out-of-pocket expense. (In fact, my Mom just did it with her memoir Active Senior Living. She's made hundreds of dollars in just a few weeks…and isn't out a dime).

Those free alternatives have made companies like Author Solutions totally irrelevant, which is why he is so desperate to create partnerships with major publishers in the hopes of taking advantage of their slush pile. 

However, if the writers organizations succeed in convincing publishers that it's wrong to try to monetize the slush pile and to take advantage of the desperation and gullibility of aspiring authors, then Author Solutions is screwed. That's why Kev is so worried about the Harlequin situation. He already lost big time when Harlequin took their name off their new vanity press venture. He was counting on trading on the Harlequin name, hoping that naive writers would assume that they were being published by the "real" Harlequin. That was certainly the whole point of the venture. But  DellArte carries no such cache…in fact, without Harlequin steering the writers it rejects to the vanity press, it has no reason to exist, nothing to set it apart from all the other over-priced "self-publishing" companies out there.

So is it any wonder Kev is making YouTube appeals? 

UPDATE: Victoria Strauss at the Writer Beware Blog also offers an excellent critique of Weiss' video. She writes, in part:

Will a sit-down, if it happens, be productive? Good question. Part of the objection to the AS/Harlequin/Nelson "partnerships" was the misleading way in which they were presented–seriously overstating the benefits of self-publishing for many if not most authors, using the carrot of possible transition to commercial publishing as a hook to draw in customers–as well as, in Nelson's case, a promise of referral fees for agents who steered authors its way, plus a truly exorbitant cost. Given that high costs and less-than-transparent presentation are at the core of AS's services, I don't think that's likely to change. Also, can there ever be a meeting of the minds between professional commercial writers' groups and a company that wants to present fee-based publishing as an "indie revolution?" Part of the problem, I think, is that Weiss is speaking a different language.

This and That

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Sorry I have been missing in action here on the blog lately. Since I got back from NY last week, I have been tied up with various personal matters and rewrites on a spec feature script which, I am pleased to say, now has an A-list movie star officially attached. The star and I are on exactly the same creative wavelength on this project and his notes have really improved the script. 

There were also some projects & gigs that fell through over the last few weeks, which was really disappointing since I put a lot of time and work into them, but it looks like the connections I made in the course of developing/pursuing them may pay off with other assignments in the coming weeks. We'll see. If I got paid for pitches and meetings, I'd a multi-millionaire several times over.

I've been reading lots and lots of plays lately in my new role as co-chair of the International Mystery Writers Festival in Owensboro, KY  and we're closing in on the handful that we'll be producing this summer. More on that later.

I'm also hard at work on my next MONK novel and preparing some pitches for upcoming meetings. I've been offered another series of tie-in novels, based on a hit TV show, and I am considering it, depending on my availability, the details of the deal, and how the deadlines will fit in with my MONK schedule. Speaking of MONK, it looks very likely that I'll be doing a few more books beyond the one remaining on my current contract.  More on that later, too. 

Unfortunately, I've just learned that I'm going to need surgery again on my right arm, which may slow me down some. I had a bad accident a few years back and broke both of my arms, the right one very severely. I've had multiple surgeries on my right arm that left me with about 50% of normal range of motion  and some numbness. Well, the numbness has increased, so they have to go back in and do some work to prevent further damage. I am not looking forward to that…but  I knew it was going to happen eventually, I just didn't think it would be so soon.

Well, that's it for today. Time to dive back into MONK…

Breasts Breasts and More Breasts

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Hot, naked breasts, swollen and aching to be touched by your lips.

That's just one of the delights that the Assistance League of Ventura County is offering at their 15th Annual Authors Luncheon.

We're talking chicken breasts, of course, which will be among the luncheon items offered at the event, which is being held at the Marriott Residence Inn at Oxnard River Ridge on Mon., Feb. 8.

I'll be speaking along with authors Lisa See, Zippora Karz and Diane Worthington. Borders will be selling all of our books at the event. Registration starts at 9:15 a.m., with the program beginning at 10 a.m. Lunch will be served, and a no-host bar will be available. The cost is $50, of which $29 is tax-deductible. Reservations are due by Sat., Jan. 30.

Proceeds from the fundraiser will be used to fund scholarships for five Ventura County college students.

The Assistance League, one of the county’s oldest philanthropic organizations, has been serving the children of Ventura County for 56 years.

Call (805) 643-2458 for more information.