Lee Goldberg

My Sister Is So Dead

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We Goldbergs have really big mouths. My Mom, my brother, and my sisters all have blogs (and, of course, so do I. Not to mention my Uncle, my cousins, my distant cousins, even my sister-in-law for a while). Why?  Because we have really big mouths and can’t shut the hell up.  We love to share our opinions, our sordid pasts, and our stories with anybody who will listen.

Occasionally, this gets us into trouble, not just with fanficcers, ClassKC.org, vanity press companies, fucktards, and Tono Rondone, but with our own family of big mouths. My sister Linda talks about this (where else?) on her blog today.

Montgomery Simplifies

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David Montgomery reviews my brother Tod’s book SIMPLIFY on his site today. And he likes it.

Short story collections are nearly impossible to review, especially in
anything under several hundred words. (How do you comment generally on a book
that contains twelve different stories that vary in plot, theme, quality, etc.?)
Still, there are a few observations that one can make about Tod Goldberg’s
Simplify. The stories are sharp and insightful, many of them dealing
with issues emerging from childhood. The writing is often funny, even when it’s
painful, and always to the point, with keen dialogue and a strong voice.
Finally, the stories on the whole are powerful, provocative and a pleasure to
read. The title entry, in particular, is a minor masterpiece.

Where Has He Been?

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Sorry I’ve been a little scarce around here the last few days. I’m on the board of my HOA and I’ve been preoccupied with a small community crisis, talking to my neighbors, organizing meetings, and firing off letters to our City Council and Planning Commission… and I’ve been working on my book  and preparing for a studio meeting today. And tomorrow, I’m gone all day doing booksignings with my brother Tod:

The month of The Goldbergs begins in earnest on Saturday as Lee and I barnstorm
Southern California with just two turntables, a microphone, a fair amount of
Polo shirts and a scorched path filled with dead hookers and coke deals gone
wrong behind us. That’s just how the Goldbergs roll, y’all. Strictly gangsta and Polo. Check out
the road show at the Barnes
& Noble in Aliso Viejo on Saturday night at 5pm (you’ll be able to spot
us pretty easily — we’ll be the two liberal Democrat Jews standing in the
middle of the OC) or swing by the Marriott in Irvine for Men of Mystery Saturday
morning at 9am. (Tickets may well be sold out already, but that doesn’t mean you
can’t just loiter in the parking lot waiting for an autograph.)

Sadly, the blog has kind of fallen through the cracks with all that activity. I hope to be back in my usual form very soon.

Mid-Season Replacements

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I got this email today:

I was hoping you could answer a few really quick questions about mid-season
replacements for me…

How do the networks regard these shows? Are they
second string that didn’t make the first cut? Or pinch hitters that the network
has been waiting to air? If the latter, why do they hold onto them until
mid-season? What is the strategy behind this?

The fact is, most shows fail. The networks go into the fall season
knowing that it’s very likely that virtually all their new series will not
survive. They need replacements to immediately fill the slots vacated by
low-performing shows that they are forced to cancel. That doesn’t mean
mid-season shows are lesser, second string programming… but, in some cases,
they are riskier/specialized/quirky fare that need special promotional and
scheduling attention that isn’t possible while launching & advertising an
entire fall schedule.  Remember, many hit shows began as midseason programs…
SEINFELD and GREY’S ANATOMY, for example.

Beware of Russian Mail Order Brides

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I got this email today:

Lee,       11-2-05
I have a ‘must’ write book for you of my life.I am going through  CONSTANT TERRORISM with the following:
Burglary of my home, office, apartment, storage units.
ID theft of my personal identity, business- hostile take over.
I think I know the people doing this.
I have had to move approximately 10 times this year due to stalking, theft
and invasion of home while I was locked in a bathroom for 2-3 hours.
My office has been like a revolving door for these thieves where they have
made my medical business their own office.  They have taken over the patient
accounts, ID"s, prepared records for billing, forged Dr’s signatures by using a
stamp, bank embezzlement, entered into contracts with vendors using my
signature, opened up a bank account using my forged signature without
authorization, credit card fraud,  inventory theft and personal item
theft, stolen my web business,  followed me and now attempting to enter my
friend’s home( where I have been sleeping at night for the last couple of
weeks).  My former employees would not drink or eat anything left in my office
due to possible poisoning.  They have also constantly been in and out of my car
looking for things.  Last night they left in a cup holder  a 357 magnum bullet
for me to find.
I am very serious about all of this.  The police have done nothing.  I am
in fear of my life.
Hopefully, if you are interested you can write a book to show how
vulnerable we are.  Maybe this will help someone else.
I am not trying to be dramatic but I hope I will be around for a while. 
Let me know if you wish to talk.
Every form of communication is compromised including my living space.
E mail from someone else’s computer is my only secure way of communication
at this point.

Within minutes of receiving that message, I got this follow-up:

Lee,

I need money and that is why I need this book
written besides trying to help someone else.
I am very sincere.  This is urgent.  If you
can’t or find you are not interested, please give me another name to
contact.

If you have ever lived in Virginia Beach since you
were in the Navy, you know the incompetent police we have here.  They are living
in the 19th century rather than the 21st.  They have not realized that high tech
crime in here to stay. 

I am a test victim for the theives that I am having to
deal with now.  I am not sure why I was picked other than a 100 percent female
owned web medical business and a Durable Medical Equipment  Medical business
with no family here. Also,  I was a millionaire last year and now trying to
figure out how to pay my bills now.

The people that have targeted me are professionals.  I believe the woman of the team was trained.  She was a Russian mail order bride.

Why do people like this write to me? And what make her think I was in the Navy? If you would like to write a book on this woman’s life, let me know and I will be glad to pass along her email address.

Teach Your 14-Year-Old How To Write Gay Fanfic Porn

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Skrike discovered a lengthy primer at Fanthropology on teaching 14-year-olds how to write better explicit gay fanfic.  Here’s some of their advice:

So how do you make a fourteen year old write better fan fiction? More important,
according to a fourteen year old acquaintance, how do you make your fourteen
year olds write better m/m slash?

Sex and intimacy, important components of slash and good slash. Another
component is fan fiction, m/m slash culture. The last component, and possibly
the most important one, is putting all of that stuff together.

Teaching
all this is not a simple thing. Remember, this age group isn’t always the most
receptive to valuing feedback in certain forms, isn’t necessarily writing to
learn about writing to become better writers. They write for fun, like feedback,
can and do use it to become better writers.

But hot damned, how do you teach a person to write in character? How do you
teach your teenage m/m slash fan to write in character in the context of a story
involving two guys going at it? There are two options that come immediately to
mind.

Sex and intimacy. Ouch and wow. My fourteen year old Good Charlotte slash
writing buddy’s answer to teaching her teen friends on how to write better
slash? Pop them all in front of a television, watch a little gay porn and they
should be set. My reaction to that as a twenty-five year old not interested in
gay porn was horror. There is this double edged sword here. Younger writers can
teach their own, to a certain degree, about the sexually explicit material and
how to write it using those examples. Adults teaching a fourteen year old how to
write erotic or pornographic sex scenes featuring two guys, citing pornography
and adult material, this might be a bit of an ethical nightmare and legal
liability.

The next thing to do is create general rec
lists of stories featuring m/m sex scenes. To cover your butt legally,
make sure the story ratings and contents are spelled out and don’t
explicitly label your rec list as “Read these teenage writers! Read
them and behold the writing of good m/m slashy sex scenes that will
make you wet! Yeah!” Try for something a bit more subdued and less
obvious. You get good examples out there and no one needs to be the
wiser that you have ulterior motives of teaching the teeny fangirls how
to become better m/m slash writers.

If it wasn’t for the good people at Fanthropology, imagine all the poor kids who wouldn’t have a clue how to write convincing fanfic sex scenes for Kirk and Spock, Harry and Ron,  and Willy Wonka and friends. Thank you, Fanthropology, for this important public service. I’m sure pedophiles everywhere appreciate it.

Maybe now professor Robin Reid will write an article for kids on how to write "Real Person Slash Fanfic." Wouldn’t that be nice?

Okay, We Get The Point, You’re Brilliant

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I got this email over the weekend:

I have a GREAT idea for a movie. Yup that’s just about it. Brilliant idea, concept for a movie, the characters and interaction the hook, great suspenseful WOW outcome.Now what? How can I proceed to make some money with this idea. I’m not in the business, not a writer (should be able to tell that by
now). My brain works in a very strange way with brilliant ideas and concepts. Very detailed plots and sub plots that I know as a patron I would like to see on the screen, but I don’t know how to write….can you help?Or should I buy some Prozac and sleep my idea off?

I told him to take the pills or write the script. What would you tell this modest man who is  brimming over with "brilliant ideas and concepts"?

Going Home Again

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Last night, I had a signing at the Barnes & Noble in my home town of Walnut Creek, California. I drove up from Los Angeles, which took longer than usual due to rain, fog, and more cops on the road than I’ve ever seen before (I guess end of the month is ticket-quota time).  But it was a pleasant drive. I lost myself in mysteries — finishing a  J.A. Jance book on tape and starting the latest Spenser.

Once I got up to Walnut Creek, I couldn’t resist visiting Emil Villa’s Hickory Pit, a place I used to love as a kid. It’s probably been a decade since I’ve eaten there. Well, memories can be tricky things. Either I’ve changed or the ribs have. They tasted like they were frozen and then marinated in solvent.  I should have known better — they weren’t good ten years ago, either. Why did I think they’d be more like I remembered now?

I did some drive-by signings at  B &N in Concord, B&N in Dublin, Borders Express in Concord and Borders in Pleasant Hill before heading to the main event in downtown Walnut Creek.

The signing didn’t pack a big crowd, but I never mind that. The bookstore ordered quite a few copies of THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE, which were prominently displayed (and had been for the week prior to my arrival and will be after I leave), and there were two posters in the store announcing the event. They even had a healthy number of DM books on hand. There was a film crew there from Rossmoor, a retirement community that has their own television station (The DM books are big with the retirees, as you can imagine), so my signing will air on TV in the next few weeks, so I reached more people than actually attended. I was on a mike, so more people came as I started speaking, answering questions, and telling all my Hollywood anecdotes.

I finally got to meet Chadwick Saxelid, who has reviewed the DM books on Amazon and is a frequent visitor here — and who I just killed (with his permission) in the DM novel I’m writing now. And my old high school chum Jim Sampair showed up with his lovely wife and mother (I’ve always known her as "Mrs. Sampair, " so when it came time to sign her book, I realized to my embarrassment that I didn’t know her first name!). I also forgot, in middle of my talk, how many days there are in a year — I blame those solvent-soaked ribs for my mental hiccup.

Tonight I meet the members of Mystery Readers International at Janet Rudolph’s home in the Berkeley hills. I’ve heard from lots of other authors that her "At Home" events are a lot of fun, so I’m looking forward to it.

Rinse. Lather. Die.

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I got this email from a friend of mine and thought it was so funny, I had to share it with you.

One of the prominent trends in mystery fiction todayis the publication of
what I call "niche mysteries." These are books that, in theory, will appeal
to a small niche of readers due to their unique and charming specialty
content.

As a result, we have suffered through the Mommy mysteries,
the scrapbooking mysteries, the needlepoint mysteries. Mysteries set in the
world of bed and breakfasts, travel agencies, and old age homes. Mysteries
with recipes, patterns, or tips on making candy.

But now they’ve gone
too far.

Today I received in the mail a mystery novel ("first in the
new series," the cover proudly trumpets) that is set in the exciting and
quirky world of…

Soapmaking.

That’s right. Soapmaking. It even
includes soapmaking tips.

The title? Dead Men Don’t Lye.

I
couldn’t make this shit up.

What’s next, Glass-blowing  Mysteries?  Nail Polishing Mysteries? Mohel Mysteries?

Send me off to the Motion Picture Home

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On DorothyL, the mystery list-serv, Terry G. wrote:

Hi DLers, I was perusing the latest dl list and went off to check out the
mystery readers international site, which I was not familiar with, and
enjoyed an article by Elaine Viets and Lee Goldberg in particularLee, who must be in the sixty range in years since
his tv PI touchstones were about the same as mine, mentioned Richard S
Prather, who would certainly fit into the humorous thread that was being
bandied about for the last couple weeks.
Um, I’m 43. You know, it’s possible to read books and authors who are older
than you are. If I’d mentioned Sherlock Holmes, would that mean I was 100 years
old?
 
People always assume I’m much older than I am. I can’t tell you how many
times DIAGNOSIS MURDER viewers or readers meet me and say  "Oh, I thought you’d
be so much older." I guess they figure because the show stars an 80-year-old man
(and the books have his picture on the cover) that the author must be getting
the Senior Citizen discount at Hometown Buffet, too. I always smile politely
when people say that to me but I’m not quite sure how to take it…