The Mail I Get

Looking for the Short Cut

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I got this email today:

Hello Lee,
               My name is Mark Coulter, pen name M.W.C. Coulter. I recently
wrote a book and got it published through "Publish America". I have been on one
book signing and have two others upcoming. The book is called "The Folding of
Time", about two astronauts on a first deep space mission, they encounter an
anomaly, wormhole, that takes them on a journey through time and alternate
universes.I would like some advice of how to contact studios’ on making this into a
series or movie. Can you give me some advice on how to do this?
                                                        Sincerely
Mark.

First off, you never should have gone to PublishAmerica. You were looking for a short cut and this one leads to a dead end as you’ve undoubtedly discovered. You could contact various studios and production companies, ask for the names and addresses of their development executives, and send them your book.  Ordinarily, you’d have a one-in-a-million shot of selling the movie or TV rights. But since it’s a self-published, POD book, your odds against  interesting any studio in it have probably become one-in-a-billion.  I don’t know if your book is good or bad, but unfortunately, no one in Hollywood is going to take PublishAmerica title (or any vanity press publication)  seriously. 

On the other hand, if you can sell 10,000 copies, get some great reviews from respected publications, and get a bunch of newspapers and magazines to write profiles about you, that could change. That’s what happened with ERAGON... and the movie is in production now (of course, ERAGON wasn’t a PublishAmerca, iUniverse, or xlibris POD title, either).

UPDATE (10-12-05): I got this reply. My reply follows.

Well how about if I write another manuscript, on a movie idea not associated with the
book, and send it in raw and unpublished? Would I stand a better chance of
getting a read?

Nope.  Studios buy hot novels (ie bestselling and well reviewed) and
they buy scripts. They buy pitches, but only from established screenwriters
which, I assume, you are not. So, if I were you, I’d write a script. Even then,
though, you need an agent to submit it to the studios on your behalf.  They certainly aren’t going to read a raw, unpublished manuscript from an unknown writer…at least not without a powerful agent, producer, director or actor attached to it.

A Touch of Class

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Today, for reasons I will never understand, I got an email offering me the amazing opportunity to buy an I DREAM OF JEANNIE bottle autographed by the cast:

The incomparable magnetism of this 2nd-thru 5th Season Metallic Purple I Dream
of Jeannie Brass Bottle is a must-! YES, Dreams DO come true, as you will
discover upon adding this classic and breathtaking Jeannie Bottle to your
collection.

ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY!
A "SIGNED LIMITED EDITION" SIGNED BY BARBARA
EDEN, LARRY HAGMAN, BILL DAILY, AND THE OFFICIAL BOTTLE ARTIST!
"YES" SIGNED BY THE CAST JUST FOR “YOU”!!!!!!
THIS IS THE OFFICIAL 40TH ANNIVERSARY BOTTLE, METALIC PURLE, BRASS
GALLERY EDITION ‘I DREAM OF JEANNIE’ BOTTLE!

It’s hard to believe, but for the cost of self-publishing your unsaleable book, you can have this amazing bottle! That’s right…you can own this masterpiece for just  $549! But wait, there’s MORE! Foronly $25, you can get a priceless photo of the celebrities signing your bottle! But wait, there’s even more MORE reasons to buy this destined-for-the-Louvre artistic masterpiece of fine art!

MOST IMPORTANTLY, BECAUSE 10% WILL ALSO GO TO VICTIMS OF HURRICANE KATRINA, AND
WHAT A WAY TO HELP SOMEONES WISH COME TRUE, BUT WITH A JEANNIE BOTTLE!

Don’t waste a second.  Think how wonderful this will look next to your STAR TREK salt shakers, Elvis ashtray, and BABYLON 5 nosehair clippers. It’s just the touch of elegance your basement needs. Show your parents that although you never moved out of the house, you’ve got class.

The Long Journey to Publication

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I got this comment here yesterday regarding my new book THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE:

I noticed in the comments on Paul’s site that it two years of wading
through rejections and the like, to the point you wondered that it may
just sit in your drawyer for all of time – I would be most interested
to hear more about this journey from you, what your thoughts were on
why it didn’t find a home in the beginning, what obstacles you faced
with it, etc. I think many have the idea that established, published
writers don’t have to deal with that once they’ve broken in and gotten
published.

Succeeding with a book or two doesn’t  mean everything you write from now on will get published.  The publishing business today is brutal. There are many well-known authors who wrote a book outside their established series or genre and, as a result, either had to fight to get it published, had to switch publishers for the title, or couldn’t get it published at all. And there are many acclaimed, mid-list authors who have had their long-running, successful series dropped and are fighting to get back in print again (often having to resort to using a pseudonym to avoid being damned by sales figures of their last few books).

THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE is about a guy who learns everything he knows about being a PI from reading books and watching TV shows. It’s about the clash between fictional expectations/stereotypes and reality. The book is something of a spoof…and yet, at the same time, a straight-ahead crime novel full of explicit sex and violence. That shifting tone made the book a hard sell…because it didn’t fit into a particular marketing niche. Is it a satire? Is it a PI novel? Is it a thriller?

Most of  the editors who rejected the book praised the writing but didn’t see where it would fit in their publishing line.  There were two editors at major houses who loved it and wanted to acquire it…but  couldn’t convince their superiors. Another wrote a LONG rejection letter, saying how much she loved it, that it was the best PI novel she’d read, and how it pained her not to be able to publish it. (In the mean time, I wrote a screenplay version of the book, which landed me the gig writing the DAME EDNA movie. It never got made, but it was a very big payday for me and my first solo screenwriting job outside of episodes of TV shows I’ve produced).

It was frustrating not being able to sell the book because I felt it was the best novel I’ve ever written. I loved writing it and I very much wanted to write more about Harvey Mapes, the main character. At the same time, I couldn’t whine too much, because I have been doing well with the DIAGNOSIS MURDER books. Of course I approached my DM editors about BADGE…but as much as they like me, and my work, they weren’t willing to take the gamble (I’m hoping they will consider the paperback rights now that the book has been so well reviewed).

Finally, after two years of  shopping the book, we took it to Thomson/Gale/Five Star,  which has  a reputation for putting out fine mysteries…and for being a place  where  published authors can find a home for their "dropped" series and unpublished works.   It’s an imprint run by writers (like founder Ed Gorman) and editors (like legendary book packager Martin Greenberg)  who truly love books and appreciate authors. They produce handsome hard-covers that are respected and reviewed by the major industry publications. I had a great experience with them on THE WALK (another book that was a hard sell)  and I knew they would treat THE MAN WITH THE IRON-ON BADGE well.

The downsides with Five Star are that they pay a  low advance, they primarily serve the library market and have very limited distribution to bookstores (though they are stocked in most independant mystery bookstores). The only way to get your title in a Barnes & Noble or Borders is to have an event in one of their stores.  Still, it’s possible to win wide acclaim and impressive sales with a Five Star title, as my friend Robert Levinson proved last year with ASK A DEAD MAN, an LA Times Bestseller that won a starred Publishers Weekly review.

The hope with a Five Star title is that it will be well-reviewed, sell big within Five Star’s limited market, perhaps get an Edgar nod (or the equivalent from RWA, WWA, etc), and get enough notice that a larger house will pick-up the mass market paperback or foreign rights.

Success can open a lot of doors, and make the experience smoother, but unless you’re at the Stephen King/Janet Evanovich/Michael Connelly level, it by no means guarantees a free ride.

Dyke Van Dyke

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I got this email today from Bradley. I’ve omitted his last name and the title of his show to protect him from  embarrassment. All the typos and errors are his:

Mr. Goldberg,

I’m an independent film producer in Texas. I recently came across your website through the IMDB. I am writing you to tell you about a television that am working on called "XYZ". The pilot episode is currently in early stages of pre-production, and after seeing other projects that you have worked on in the past, I would be very interested in talking to you about working on this show in some capacity, whether it be as a freelance writer, script consultant, or co-producer.

Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time, and even when creating the television version of the show, one of the reoccurring characters was written specifically for him. I’m not saying we
could get him to play the part, although he would be my first choice.

Let me jump in here. I’m writing to tell you about a television that am working on. Is Bradley repairing a television set or building one from scratch? Dyke VanDyke is probably my favorite actor of all time. I’m not familiar with Dyke Van Dyke, but I’m going to watch the next episode of THE L WORD and catch up with some of his/her work.

Okay, back to that letter.  It rambles on with details about the show he’s producing. He wraps things up with:

I the financing to produce the pilot in place, and I would really love to talk to you further about working with me on this show.

Did you ever actually work with Dick VanDyke? Were you ever on the set of the show, or
did you just work on a freelance basis? Do you know a good casting director that would have a way of presenting my offer to Mr. VanDyke?

If you are interested please let me know and I will send you the pilot script as a
PDF file this evening. I truly thing you will like it!

I the financing to produce the pilot in place… I truly thing you will like it. Bradley ought to get the financing in place to take a basic English course.  I the feeling he really needs it, don’t you thing?

What’s really bizarre about this email is that Bradley would like me to work on his show in just about any capacity I want but, as it turns out, he actually has no idea who I am or what I’ve done.

If he’d taken five minutes to browse my credits or visit my website, he’d know I was an executive producer of DIAGNOSIS MURDER and that yes, I’ve probably met Dick Van Dyke once or twice. (Or was he talking about  Dyke Van Dyke? I don’t think Bradley really wants to give Dyke Van Dyke a job on his pilot…since it’s a show about Christians exploring their faith as opposed to, say, butch lesbians exploring their inner manhood).

Bradley, if you’re reading this post, I’ve got some advice for you.  If you are going to send a professional a job offer/query it’s usually a good idea to:

a) Know something about the person you are writing to like, for instance, who they are and what they’ve done.
b) Don’t ask them stupid questions that reveal that you haven’t bothered to find out who they are and what they’ve done.
c) Don’t offer anyone a job unless you know who they are and what they’ve done.
d) When writing to a professional, it’s a good idea to spell check your letter/email so you don’t make a complete fool of yourself.

Thanks for the tempting offer, Bradley, but I think I’ll pass.

If I Call My House a ‘Residential Erotic Writing Workshop’ Can I Write Off My Mortgage Payments?

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I got this spam email over the weekend:

Critically acclaimed author and anthologist Mitzi Szereto will be conducting a residential erotic writing workshop at
the world-renown Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California in January 2006. Mitzi
is credited with putting the erotic writing workshop on the map in the UK and
Europe, and has conducted them in locations from England’s Lake District to the
Greek islands.

I like to think of my house as a residential erotic writing workshop but my wife doesn’t always agree.

If This Is An Example of How He Writes Press Releases, I think I’ll Pass

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I got this spam email today from a PR firm. Here’s how it began:

Dear Mr. Golgberg:

I would like to make you aware of my public relations company as I
feel I could be a perfect fit for helping you promote and publicize your company
as well as your books.  My clients have been featured in publications numbering
Parade Magazine, People, Entertainment Weekly, Time, Forbes, Wall Street
Journal, Newsweek, and USA Today; as well as television shows such as Oprah,
Good Morning America, C-SPAN, CNN, CNBC, etc.

A real grabber, isn’t it? Now imagine what he writes for his clients.  (That’s aside from how he  messed up my name and offered to publicize a company that I don’t have).

Will the price of gas affect what studios pay for spec scripts?

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I had this  email exchange today:

I am wondering how much of an affect does the current state of the country will have on Holly Wood when it comes to buying scripts?

I replied:

Not to be dense, but I don’t understand your question. Do you mean the
economy? The war in Iraq? The hurricane in New Orleans? And what do you
mean by affect? The kinds of stories Hollywood will or won’t buy? The
money they are paying for specs?

He replied:

I apologize for not being specific. I was talking about everything you
mentioned including the high gas prices.  Will these events have an
affect on the number of scripts Hollywood will purchase for this year?
Will they have an affect on the purchasing price for the scripts they
do buy?

I replied:

That is such a broad question, I couldn’t possibly answer it. I have no idea if all the events in the world today — economic, political and social — will affect the number of scripts Hollywood buys or what they pay for them.  But I want to be helpful, so  here’s some advice: Don’t write a script about a private eye who can communicate with plants. I think a story like that wouldn’t do well no matter what is happening in the world today.

Mystery Lovers Corner

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I got a spam email the other day from Dawn Doodle of  Mystery Lovers Corner, an amateurish website that, for a one-time fee of $35, will list your bio and  one of your books.

You don’t want readers to wonder why your books aren’t here.

Lots of categories to classify your books.

We had our Grand Opening 5/27/05, and since then we‚ve had over 1700 hits to the website.  More authors are joining daily.  Currently over 60 have joined, including Carolyn Hart, Joanne Fluke, Robin Hathaway, and Lyn Hamilton.

We also have a Featured Author each month.  They answer interview questions and are featured on an additional page for no additional cost.  In the future, we may increase the number of Featured Authors each month to give more authors the extra exposure

I don’t see how paying for "exposure" on this amateurishly-designed, no-prestige, low-traffic site is much of a promotional opportunity — not to brag, but I get more hits here per day than they’ve had in five months. A blank page could probably get more hits (especially if you put the word breasts in the text somewhere).  Her low traffic and sloppy design simply aren’t worth the thirty five bucks.

In my opinion, you’re much better off spending the money on a five month subscription
to Typepad ($4.95-a-month, first month free) and starting your own blog. It will
look a lot better than her site, it will focus only on YOU, and you’ll probably
get as much (if not more) traffic than you would on her obscure corner of
cyberspace.

Can You Get My Portrait Signed?

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I got this email today:

My wife and I have been huge Dick Van Dyke fans since the early 1960’s.  Would
you please consider forwarding this email to Mr. Van Dyke, since it concerns a
portrait of him that I recently completed.  I’m hoping to persuade him to sign
one of my prints for my private art collection of celebrity portraits…

… I realize that this is a brazen request, but I hope that you will consider it
anyway.  If you would like, I’ll send you a digital photo so that you can
determine if my Dick Van Dyke drawing is worthy of a signature.

Please don’t.