The Mail I Get

The Mail I Get – I Don’t Remember Edition

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Some recent mail I received asking me questions I can’t answer because I don’t remember:

I’ve long admired your work on Diagnosis Murder, especially the fifth season. I emailed you about ten years ago asking if you had a floor plan of the beach house from Diagnosis Murder. You said you had one but misplaced it. I’ve taken it upon myself to draw a floor plan myself using footage from the show as well as from satellite images and the movies Lovelines and Malibu Bikini shop to help with the lower level. I’ve also found many photos at three different websites trying to rent or sell the house, but most of those are photos from a significantly renovated version of the house. I’ve tried to keep my floor plan of the house as close to the way it was on the show as possible, though I’ve filled in missing parts with photos of the current version of the house where I could. For the parts left completely unseen, like a few of the bathrooms, I’ve tried to come up with how they might be laid out. If I send you the floor plan I created would you be able to give me feedback?

It’s been over a decade since I shot Diagnosis Murder. I don’t remember anymore exactly how the house was laid out. Sorry!

Hello Lee , I just finished reading Mr. Monk goes to the firehouse. I wonder, where’s the ax (?) that being used to kill Sparky? Seems nobody search for the bloody ax to get finger prints or something.
Hope to hear from you bcause I couldn’t sleep thinking about this.

Sorry, but it has been so many years since I wrote the book, I don’t remember what, if anything, came of the ax or if it even mattered. It’s certainly not worth losing sleep over!

I have not yet read all the Monk books nor seen all the episodes, so I apologize if my question has already been addressed, but I wondered what you thought of something that occurred to me recently, and that is concerning Adrian Monk and the Wedding Ring.Reading how he reacted to Julie’s cast, and his insistence that she have two to be balanced, I suddenly wondered how he coped with wearing a ring on the third finger left hand, and not a matching one the right. I assume that Adrian takes the ring off when he’s completing his obsessive bathroom cleaning routines etc. but I’m sure he still wears it at other times – his love for Trudy is too strong for him to abandon it. He is wearing one on the cover of Mr Monk is Miserable.
So – how does he cope? Does he, in fact, wear an identical ring on the right hand? I’ve not noticed one. Knowing the character as you do, what do you think? If you have an answer I’d love to hear it. If you find it fascinating as I do and decide to write it into your next Monk book, please credit me in the acknowledgements for giving you the idea!

I dealt with the ring issue in one of the books… MR. MONK IS A MESS or MR. MONK GETS EVEN, I believe. But I may be mistaken about which one. The 15 tend to blur together for me.

The Mail I Get – Monk Edition

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MrMonkOnTheCouchI still get lots of questions and comments each day about my Monk books… here’s a sampling:

Dear Lee, It was with mixed feelings that I read Mr. Monk’s last adventure.  Happiness at reading more enjoyable Monk escapades, and sadness that there will be no more of them. I did appreciate that one of the lipo-suction patients was Frank Cannon.  ha ha   What a ride.  Barb

Thank you, Barb. The other lipo patient was McCabe, the character William Conrad played on JAKE AND THE FATMAN…but so far, nobody has caught that reference.

It’s a rare to find an author who understands that a unique quirky character is really one of the most important parts of a good book. Love your character and I think the books are really wonderful. So often they are just plot oriented by vanilla unmemorable characters. So congratulations of writing truly fantastic books. Allan

Thank you, Allan. But I can’t take credit for creating that brilliant character. The credit belongs to Andy Breckman. He just let me borrow Monk for the books.

Hello Lee, You end your chapters in a manner that makes it difficult to not keep reading. Please stop doing that. You will thank me later. It might tempt some people into stopping in the middle of a chapter, and that violates the natural order of the universe.

Now that the above is out of the way, let me pass along my delight for both the Monk series and the Fox and O’Hare series – mysteries and absolutely hilarious! After thirteen years of retirement at age 70 it is getting harder to head for the treadmill daily, books the only way to get through it. My wife and I had read all the Janet Evanovich books (also all the Agatha Christie’s and a whole lot in between), so glad to have found The Heist, The Chase, and will read The Job (a Christmas book to each other) after Mr. Monk and the Two Assistants. We have also seen all of the Monk TV episodes, and reading the books and remembering the appearance of the characters is extra fun. Thanks for these two series, and will explore your other books! Leonard

Thank you for your very kind words about my MONK and FOX & O’HARE books… though they are meant to be serious drama. It troubles me that you find them funny.

I just want to let you know that I really enjoy the books you contributed to the Monk series. As someone who has been diagnosed with OCD (whether rightly or wrongly), I have to say that you seem to have done a good job portraying what really goes on in the brain of an OC person (here I should add the caveat that I haven’t actually gotten far in any of your books – they’re too thought provoking to finish in a timely fashion). If in the past I would firmly deny that I had OCD (“My unusual behavior is not symptomatic of any illogical thought processes, thank you very much. It is a combination of *ultra*-logical thinking, and natural responses to my excess anxiety”), now I am not so sure. I find it very easy to identify with your version of Mr. Monk. [..]Without changing the way I view myself and my rationality, I now find it easier to accept the label of OCD.[..]In the future, I intend to use your books as “textbooks” to help other people better understand the true nature of OCD. Sammy

Now that is frightening. You do know I make it all up, right? I have no special understanding of OCD… I just have a rich fantasy life.

The Mail I Get – Question & Answer Edition

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I get lots of questions about my books…and occasionally I even have a few answers.

I have read every Monk book that my library owns. They are wonderful! Will you be writing any more ?

Judy

Nope, I’ve been done with Monk for a while now. My last Monk book was Mr. Monk Gets Even. I’ve moved on to other projects and am co-writing a new series with Janet Evanovich. Speaking of which…

I’m love the Kate O’Hare and Nicolas Fox books you write along with Janet Evanovich. I seriously read all the books within days as I’m totally hooked by them. This is a surprise as I am one who will only read books if I am forced too.I would like to know of there is another book to the serioes that is being made or will be released soon etc. Thanks again.
Joanna

I’m so glad that you are enjoying the series. We are in the midst of writing book #4…it should be out this summer or in the fall.THE JOB by Lee Goldberg and Janet Evanovich

I have just finished King City, wow! Your characters in the Kate O’Hare and Nick Fox books with Janet Evanovitch were some of the best I had come across. Tom Wade is even better. Your blurb following the ending says you were hard at work on more Tom Wade books, but that was 2011. I was so disappointed to find none listed. And I guess I’m writing to encourage you to go back to that story and keep going. I liked the book so much in fact that I thought, well maybe I’ll have to write a sequel just to have more to read! A silly idea of course, but it will convince you how much I felt involved with your characters. I will now try The Man with the Iron-On Badge, and then maybe another series. Thank you, Elizabeth

Thank you for your kind words about KING CITY and the Fox & O’Hare series. I intended to jump on the KING CITY sequel right after I finished the book…but the Evanovich project came along and I haven’t had a chance to get back to it. My hope is to write it this year. BTW, “Man with the Iron On Badge” was re-released as WATCH ME DIE a few years ago in both ebook and trade paperback editions.

Dear Mr Goldberg,
Hello, how are you? Don’t want to take up much of your time…I’m a huge fan of the wonderful books you have written for the Monk series! I have a few of them and I was wondering if  you would sign the ones I have and send me the ones I don’t have yet with your autograph. Thanks for keeping Mr Monk and company going!
               -Meg : )

I genuinely appreciate your kind words about my Monk books, and your desire to have my autograph but no, Meg, I won’t sign the books you already have and send you all of the books in the series that you don’t have yet. I don’t give away my books. That’s not how I make my living. I also don’t sell books (not that you asked to buy any) because I am not a bookstore, either.

Lee: I wrote a full length script on semi vampire of genre fiction and fantasy recently and I want to sell it. Are you interested?

Why would I be interested? I’m a screenwriter. I don’t buy scripts, I write them. Besides, what the hell is a “semi vampire of genre fiction and fantasy?”

Hello Lee, I love your work and have read most of your books — Where can I see a list of new books coming out? I like to pre order so I don’t miss the  new ones. Thanks for the many hours of great reading — I can just loose myself in your books. Julie

Thank you so much, Julie! The best place to keep up with my releases is right here on my website. Or join my mailing list, using the form on the right. My latest novel, THE JOB, also co-written with Janet Evanovich, came out in November.

The Mail I Get – Advice Edition

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Here are some recent queries I’ve received lately asking for my advice…

A number of readers have suggested my XYZ series of books would be a great springboard for a TV series. I’m not so sure of that, but it has occurred to me that my new release (XYZ) might be a good candidate for a movie, given the characters and setting. […] If you have the time and inclination, any advice about who to contact or where to promote it to producers would be appreciated. If not, best of luck with Brash (not that you need it!).

Unless your book is a NY Times bestseller, with a large following, and huge critical acclaim, your chance of selling it as a movie or TV series is nil. I say this from experience… and having worked on several TV series based on books (Spenser For Hire, Murphy’s Law, Nero Wolfe, Missing, etc) and having adapted many others (Aimee & David Thurlo’s Ella Clah, Mary Higgins Clark’s The Lottery Winners, William Kent Krueger’s Iron Lake, etc) for studios for film and TV that didn’t get made. Those books were all hugely successful. It took 20 years for Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum to become a movie…over a decade for Lee Child’s Reacher books to become a movie…and they are among the biggest selling, most well-known authors on planet earth.

No offense, but your series is obscure, self-published, reviewed by little-known media outlets (The Kindle Book Review, Story Circle Review, etc) and blurbed by authors nobody has ever heard of (XYZ? His highest ranked book is #1,403,740 on Amazon…his worst #12,649,676. Why on earth would you tout his review?).

I don’t say this to hurt you feelings, or to be a jerk, or to kill your dreams, I am just trying to be honest with you about your chances of selling your books as a movie or TV series. Bottom line… you need to be realistic in your expectations. 🙂

Hi Mr. Goldberg,
Some film school student in L.A. just asked me if my XYZ detective series has been optioned yet. I get the general gist of that sort of stuff, but is that something a) to take seriously, given that he’s only tangentially in the biz or b) that would warrant getting an agent? Any quick advice or links to advice,

I don’t see any upside in optioning anything to a film student. What would be the point of that? I wouldn’t take it seriously. There are thousands of film students out there, most of whom will never make it in the business.

If he wants to shoot a student film based on your book, and you like the idea of that, then let him do it without optioning it to him. Just write up a document that says you’re okay with it as long as it’s never used / sold for profit (tickets, DVD sales, etc), not distributed to theaters, not shown on television, and that it’s clear he has no rights whatsoever beyond using it as a non-profit, project as a demonstration of his skills.

The Mail I Get – Lame Suck-Up Edition

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I get lots of suck-up emails aimed at making me promote, or sample, or buy, or blurb, a stranger’s work. Here are some of the lamest, recent examples:

I’m always looking for professionally-written crime novels and I’m mostly disappointed. Having just published my 16th novel I know solid writing when I see it. I was pleased to discover your work. I’ve now read two of your books, “Watch Me Die” and “King City.” I’m trying to decide which one to read next. If someone were to ask me which books of mine I liked best  I would say “XYZ” and “XYZ.” Let me ask you the same question: Of your own books, which are your top two or three favorites?

This guy’s self-published books are ranked in the millions, meaning he’s not even selling copies to his family, and his covers look like they were drawn by hand. I wonder what his definition of “professionally-written crime novels” is?

Here’s one from someone sucking up for a blurb:

I hope you don’t mind my contacting you. I am a published author and playwright of “science-in-fiction.” Whatever it may be – quantum physics, the genetics of gender, or consciousness – such mysteries allow me to explore the big questions. For my newest book, due out this August, the editor at XYZ has asked me if I know an author who would be willing to read and review it in the interest of supplying a “blurb.” In fact, I don’t know many authors, but have a whole host of favorite writers whom I have always wanted to write to. (DELAYED DIAGNOSIS is a favorite.)

I’ve never written a novel called DELAYED DIAGNOSIS, so her attempt to flatter me fell flat. Note to people trying to suck-up: it’s important to get right the name of the person you are sucking up to and the titles of their books and shows that you supposedly love.

Here’s one sucking up for a job:

Dear Lee

I am a South African screenwriter who has recently completed a feature length screenplay that I believe your agency may be interested in representing.
Please find a short pitch below for your review.

Title: Side Time [copyright 2015]
Genre: Action Fiction
Pitch: U.S. Marines meeting Nazi’s soldiers throw a time machine

Log Line: The U.S. government is on the verge of completing the building of a time machine underground N.Y.C.

John [Project Manager] decides to test the time machine by going back to Germany during the time of WW2.
His private mission- to steal the Nazis biggest diamonds from Hitler’s treasury!

In general, it’s a good idea to find out if the agency you are sending your pitch to is actually an agency. I am not an agency. I am a writer. Secondly, if I was an agent, I wouldn’t represent you because your grasp of English grammar is iffy (“meeting Nazi’s soldiers throw a time machine”?) and your story sounds awful.

The Mail I Get – WTF Edition

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I got this strange email recently and, apparently, no response is necessary or even expected:

I’m writing this email because I just wrote a pilot and I think it might be good. I’m XYZ, I’m Italian and I’m almost 21. Direct-Mail1I would like to send it all to a network but basically it’s impossible, because writing to a network is extremely difficult plus they have to read emails like this one probably everyday,  so I found your profile online and now I’m following you on twitter so I decided to write to you. You know, writing a pilot and not having any contacts is horrible . I’m not even hoping that something could happen but it’s just a file and it’s just an email so why not??  I’m studying linguistic mediation so this is definitely not my field but I write stuff since I was a kid and here in Italy there’s no possibility for people like me who love American TV shows. I love sitcoms like Friends or Big Bang theory and even if I love shows like charmed or grey’s anatomy or lost. I think that sitcoms are my thing. I’m sorry if you had to read all this. I don’t want to bother you. I would like to send to you the pilot but here apparently it’s impossible, so thank you anyway got your attention.

The Mail I Get – This and That Edition

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McGraveCover-HomeQuestions from this week’s mailbag…

Hi Lee. I’m sort of new to your work. I’ve read The Walk, Dead Space, My Gun Has Bullets and I just finished McGrave. I really like reading your books. They’re too funny to put down and I have definitely stayed up way past my usual bedtime just to finish reading one of your gems. Now that I’ve heaped on the flattery, I must say that you should do an entire series of novels featuring McGrave. […] I’m really hoping that you consider it. In any event, you’re my new flavor of the month author and I’m going to read everything that you’ve written. Now go back to work and write me something good to read.

I was all set to write a series of McGrave books… in fact, my plan was to do them in-between new King City books…but the Fox & O’Hare project with Janet Evanovich unexpectedly came along and it has changed everything. We are co-writing two books a year (the third, The Job, comes out in November) and it hasn’t left me much time for anything else, not that I am complaining. I love writing the Fox & O’Hare books. But I do intend to get back to both McGrave and Tom Wade one of these days. Speaking of McGrave, you might enjoy a new, a short video from my good friends at Firelight Entertainment Group about how the book came about.

Hi,

I have written a movie novel for the DreamWorks film ‘How To Train Your Dragon’ but haven’t published yet because I’m worried about copyright. I’m thinking about self-publishing on LuLu.com. How would I go about getting permission to do it?

Thank you,

Jack

Publishing the book yourself would definitely be copyright infringment. If you go ahead and do it, at best the studio will demand that you withdraw the book from sale. At worst, they will sue you. In order to publish the book, you would have to ask DreamWorks, the studio that made the movie, for permission and I think it’s highly, highly unlikely they will grant it. You would have more luck finding a dragon and training it.

I came across this article in the New York Times ‘I Was a Digital Best Seller’ a few weeks ago, and it made me think of you and your blog.  The article describes the experience of an established non-fiction author, and his experience with a digital publisher called Byliner, which (at least to me) looks and sounds like a legitimate publisher.  The article (and many of the comments on the article) gives me the impression that writers and musicians will still need to work with agents and publishing companies to get their work marketed in the digital world, even though it is at least theoretically possible for anyone to ‘self-publish’.  At the same time, it looks like the digital publishing industry itself is still evolving.

I read the article when it was published and I got a different message from it, and that is: Don’t be an idiot. I thought the article showed how incredibly stupid the author was and that he had no one to blame for his misfortune but himself.

The Mail I Get – Mondo Monk Edition

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MM_Gets_EVEN_mmHere are a bunch of questions I’ve received lately about Monk. There may be spoilers ahead.

I just saw an episode of Monk that revealed Trudy’s killer as a college professor she had an affair with and had his baby. In your books you keep saying the murder hasn’t been solved. Can you explain? I still have several of your Monk books to read so the answer may be in the unread books. Thanks on advance for your feedback. Darla

That’s not the case. My books came out while the show was still on the air. The first book of mine that acknowledges the solving of Trudy’s murder is Mr. Monk on Road. I wrote four more MONK novels after that…all of which acknowledge that Trudy’s murder has been solved.

Hello Lee

First of all let me begin by telling you what a big fan I am of the Monk TV series AND your books. I was so upset when the TV series ended but your books allowed me to go on ‘watching’ it. One thing that I’m curious about though: why did you have to make Randy Disher leave for New Jersey? He was one of my top favorite characters in the series (I actually love all the characters and especially Sharona too). Anyway, just wanted to know why you had to replace Randy with Amy – you can tell I don’t like change much! 😛

Thanks!
Nyain from South Africa.

Disher left San Francisco for New Jersey in the final episode of the MONK television series, so I was just picking up where they left off.

I JUST READ “MR. MONK AND THE TWO ASSISTANTS” . I HAD NO IDEA THIS SERIES EXISTED. I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO SEE THE TV SERIES GO ON FOR ANOTHER 10 YEARS OR SO. THIS IS THE NEXT BEST THING. I CAN ACTUALLY VISULIZE THE CHARACTERS AS I READ THE BOOK. I LAUGH OUT LOUD. I INTEND TO READ ALL OF YOUR “MR MONK” BOOKS.
I HAVE READ ALL OF PARKER’S BOOKS. HIS BOOK COVERS ALWAYS SHOWED HIM IN A LEATHER JACKET AND BOSTON BALL CAP. I REMEMBERED THAT WHEN READING ABOUT “LUDLOW’S” BOOK COVERS.
I ENJOY YOUR WORK. TRAVIS

Thank you so much, Travis! I hope you continue to enjoy the MONK books. Your note reminded me that I need to change my author photo and put on a leather jacket.

how about you write a book with Mrs. Monk still living, perpetrating the neurosis later found in her kids? I would read it..!

Sorry, I am not writing the books anymore…and if I was, I wouldn’t write that.

I recently read the new novel Mr. Monk Helps Himself  by Hy Conrad. It really sucked. […] Please, please reconsider coming back and writing another Monk book or at the very least talk to Hy Conrad and tell him where he’s gone wrong. I will have to content myself with rereading all your Monk novels. I miss the old Monk.

Boucheron 2013: MONK Authors Lee Goldberg and Hy Conrad
Lee Goldberg & Hy Conrad

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words but I am done with Monk… It’s Hy’s series now and I wouldn’t presume to tell him how to write it. That said, I have to disagree with you. I think he’s doing a great job.

I am trying to find someplace that I can purchase the entire series of the Monk books, and keep hitting dead ends. Just wondering if you might know somewhere that this may exist. […] They are too expensive to purchase individually, and I’m hoping to get a better deal by finding the complete set.

You didn’t look very hard. You can find complete sets on ebay…or partial sets that you can buy to create a complete set…or you can find them from used book dealers on the Internet for as little as 1 cent each. I think you just wanted me to send you 15 books. Sorry, I don’t do that.

through reading janet evanovich’s books, i discovered you and the monk books. is the book, mr. monk on the couch, the last book of the series?

No, the last of the 15 Monk books that I wrote is Mr. Monk Gets Even. That said, Hy Conrad has continued the series and has written several more great books.

I find Monk irritating and wish you would write a book where he’s normal.

Well, then it wouldn’t be Monk book, would it? I think people read the Monk books because they like the Monk character. If you remove what makes him Monk, then he isn’t Monk any more.

The Mail I Get – Bizarro Edition

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King-JoffreyI got a follow-up today from one of the people I mentioned in yesterday’s post. To refresh your memory, here’s the email that he sent me and my reply:

Dear Lee Goldberg, I wish to send you two types of screen play to have you see my writing talent. Please request for script. Thank you, David.

I replied: Why would I request your scripts, David? I don’t hire screenwriters and I am not an agent. I have no interest in your writing talent. My interest is exploiting in my own 🙂

Now here’s the follow-up that I got from him today…

Dear Lee Goldberg,

I wish to Inform you that I am His Majesty King David Yomi-Alli. The King. I have a vast domain of which you might not be able to comprehend and as such would not bother you with the details. Nevertheless, I am acquainted with your work from which I have developed my writing skills. My mission Is to use this acquired skill mixed with faith and talent to meet America’s most troubling needs. Needs such as quenching the US Mountain of debt by bringing together the treasure In people and land…

I am sure you can understand what treasure In person Is, Say for Instance you are a very talented Tv Series writer. Yes, you have earn the big bucks. What of If you use that same talent to write about the British Industrial revolution and Inspire another Industrial revolution In the midst of an Economic catastrophe…

I have plenty Ideas, you can present any to some of your collys In the Industry In America. KING DAVID

This guy has got to be putting me on. He followed up that email with a list of titles of spec scripts that he has written, under the heading “HM King David Writing Services.” He then adds:

Family

I have chated to high profile ladys Including Barbara Bush, Chelsea Clinton, Princess Beatrice, the list Is endless nevertheless I have resorted to date, court and wed an American Physician who I think would be good on and to me and of benefit to the people.

I await your response.

HM KING DAVID THE KING

Your Majesty, I, too, have a vast domain that spans not only this universe, but several alternate dimensions, including one where the entire civilization is based on an episode of Baywatch that I wrote. I’m afraid I have no interest in your screenplays, or writing about the British industrial revolution, or learning about the “endless” list of prominent women you have chatted with. I do, however, congratulate you on your engagement to an American doctor. For your sake, I hope she is a psychiatrist. Yours truly, His Majesty King Lee Goldberg, Grand Poobah of the Realm, Master of the TriTip.

The Mail I Get – Clean and Uplifting Edition

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Jesus-Christ-Lamb-MormonI got lots of offers and requests this week. The first, with the subject line “Check Out My Contents Which Adds Value To Your Site,” was an offer to write guest posts for this blog.

Hi…

This is Alice. As an avid reader of (www.leegoldberg.com).I would like to contribute my article and I think your readers would like as well. The Articles published in your website is really knowledgeable and impressive. You can also add my article as it is highly related to other posts in your blog. Don’t worry, I’m a great blogger and have had my posts featured on many high authority blogs approved by their editors. So I am very confident that my article will speak for its informative and structured contents. Thanks, Alice Madison

Unfortunately, Alice, one of the basic requirements I have for posts on my blog is that they be written by someone who can write in English. You obviously don’t have that ability. I suggest you stick to writing for “high authority blogs” in the language spoken in your native country…or on your distant planet.

I got this very unusual solicitation, too:

Mr. Goldberg,

I work for a national publishing house in Utah and would like to invite you to consider submitting any finished manuscripts to us for publication consideration. Here’s the link to our submissions page: http://cedarfort.com/submissions.

We publish more than 140 books per year in a variety of genres, including national fiction.

Best regards,
Kelly XYZ
Cedar Fort Publishing & Media

So I looked into it. Cedar Fort publishes books about Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints as well as generally uplifting fiction free of sex, violence, and profanity. Right up my alley. Currently, they are seeking:

  • Clean and uplifting fiction books
  • Mother’s Day books or pamphlets
  • Father’s Day books or pamphlets
  • LDS Church study year topics (Book of Mormon)
  • Christmas books or pamphlets
  • Cookbooks

Clearly she found the right guy when she stumbled on my site. How did she know that I was hard at work on a clean and uplifting fiction book about a Mormon family’s unforgettable mother’s day? At least now I know where to send it when I’m done.

I can understand someone soliciting work from me, even if they have no clue what I write. But I don’t get this:

Dear Lee Goldberg, I wish to send you two types of screen play to have you see my writing talent. Please request for script. Thank you, David.

Why would I request your scripts, David? I don’t hire screenwriters and I am not an agent. I have no interest in your writing talent. My interest is exploiting in my own 🙂