Big Bucks from iUniverse

About a year ago, I shared with you my iUniverse royalty statements for some of my books, all of which were previous published titles that were reprinted, at no cost to me, through programs at the Authors Guild and Mystery Writers of America.

For those of you contemplating actually paying to get your unsold manuscripts printed in book form by iUNiverse, I thought I’d give you a reality-check by sharing with you my latest royalty statement for the period 4/1/06-6/30/06.

TITLE / QTY/ NET $ SALES/ROYALTY %/ROYALTY
MY GUN HAS BULLETS   2/$24.26/25/$6.07
UNSOLD TV PILOTS          10/$89.30/30/$26.79
UNSOLD TV PILOTS v1    7/$120.75/5@25 and 2@30/$31.92
UNSOLD TV PILOTS v2    6/$95.82/25/$23.96
TOTAL:    $88.74

Canadian Logic, eh

I’ve been fascinated by TV pilots since I was a kid (and even wrote several books about them). One thing I’ve learned is that almost everybody in the business agrees that making pilots is a deeply flawed, inefficent, outrageously expensive way to create TV series and that the system needs to be changed. 

The Entertainment Industry Development
Corporation reports that 131 pilots were made last season at a cost of $365 million.  Of those pilots, maybe 40 got picked up. Of those 4o
series, maybe three or four will survive the season.

Insane, isn’t it?

So, naturally, the Canadians think it would be a great idea to imitate our system.

According to the latest issue of Canadian Screenwriter magazine (one of the perks of being a member of Writers Guild of Canada), the state-supported Canadian Broadcasting Company is "shifting its development process to pilots."  Here’s their thinking:

"(The U.S. networks) pilot a lot of things that never make it to air," says Kristine Layfield, the CBC’s executive director of network programming. "We’re going to have a lot better ratio of shows that actually make it because we’re hoping that if we’re putting more money, time and effort into the development process, by the time you get to pilot, that pilot has much more than a one-in-ten chance."

With all due respect, she is deluding herself. Does she really think we don’t put enough time, money and effort into the development process? We spent $365 million! What’s incredible is that  instead of learning from our mistakes, the Canadians want to repeat them.

No wonder  the Canadian TV business is virtually non-existent.

In the Driver’s Seat

Yet another writer in my family is blogging. Sam Barer, auto-writer extraordinaire,  launched FOUR WHEEL DRIFT with some new slogans for today’s automakers. Here’s a sampling from the top of the list:

Acura – Buy an Acura, your local car thief will thank you.

Aston Martin – See yourself like James Bond, even if women don’t

Audi –  Because all the people you hate drive BMWs

Bentley –  Phat cars for people with fat wallets

BMW – Even Chris Bangle and I-Drive can’t stop our cars from selling

Buick – Buy a Buick, so we don’t end up like Oldsmobile

Cadillac – Really, you don’t have to be black or Jewish to own one!

Chevrolet – The best vehicles that cost-cutting can create.

But my personal favorite comes towards the end:

Volvo – Safety: you can’t get killed in a car that’s always being serviced at the dealership

 

What’s For Lunch?

While I was away, there was an amusing, and oh-so-true  article in the LA Times on the politics of food on a TV writing staff:

For the writing staff of the hit sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond," a
good meal "was more than essential," recalls Phil Rosenthal, the show’s
creator and executive producer. "I’d say it was the most important
element in terms of establishing a camaraderie on the show. Good food
makes you happy."

In
Rosenthal’s shop, four dry-erase boards had equal prominence. One
contained the titles of every "Raymond" episode ever produced, and
another featured ideas for upcoming shows. The third listed restaurants
the writers loved or wanted to try, while the fourth displayed their
favorite places for takeout.

No wonder Rosenthal named his production company Where’s Lunch.

Harlan Ellison Cops a Feel

Ron Hogan over at Galleycat reports that author Harlan Ellison groped a woman’s breast as she was presenting an award to him…and that later Harlan argued on his website that she was asking for it. At least Harlan wasn’t in his bathrobe and pjs at the time (he once came to a WGA meeting like that). Ron writes:

You know, for the most part, we like to maintain some sense of
journalistic objectivity on this blog, but I feel reasonably
comfortable going into outright opinionating: Ellison’s gone way over
the deep end on this one. For years, people have been encouraging him
in his self-righteous, self-indulgent schtick, excusing away
his most outrageous behavior as manifestations of some sort of
uncensored passion for justice and creative expression, and years of
believing his own hype reflected back to him by both his peers and his
fans have finally worked their toll. With his boorish behavior and
subsequent outbursts, Ellison has become nothing more than a sad,
pathetic spectacle..

I’ve had a few run-ins with Harlan myself over the years. The one I remember most fondly had to do with an interview I did with him for Starlog Magazine. We were both speakers that year at the Santa Barbara Writers Conference, so we did the interview there. Knowing that Harlan bites everyone in the ass, I decided to protect myself a little bit by doing a straight Q&A…unedited. I met him in his bungalow at the conference, gave him the tape recorder and let him go. I then transcribed the tapes and added a brief introduction. Easiest article I ever wrote. The article was published in two parts in Starlog. Naturally, Harlan said some things that offended people and, instead of taking the heat for his own opinions, he accused me of altering his words. So I sent him the tape and asked him to point to even one instance in which his words were altered or taken out of context. I’m still waiting.

That incident clearly pissed him off, because a few months later, he tried to get back at me. At the time, there was a radio talkshow here about science fiction (I think it was called HOUR 25). They were discussing the new TV series version of THE TWILIGHT ZONE, which Harlan briefly wrote for. One of the guests who was criticizing the show was a woman who may, or may not, have been an old girlfriend of Harlan’s. I don’t know. But some listener called in saying that the only reason she was trashing the show was because Harlan kicked her out of his bed. The caller identified himself as "Lee." The host hung up on the guy. Well, as it turns out Harlan was, unbeknownst to the listeners, in the studio, too. Harlan grabbed the microphone, said the caller was Lee Goldberg, and went on to trash me as a sleazy, lying, scumbag masquerading as a journalist.

Of course, the caller wasn’t me. I was out-of-town at the time, on assignment for Newsweek, and came home to find my answering machine smoking with phone calls from people furious at me for calling the radio show. I contacted the radio station, got a copy of the tape, and listened to it. I was more amused than anything else, but I wanted Harlan to be held accountable for his actions for a change.  So I sent the station a letter on Newsweek stationary pointing out the irresponsibility of naming me as the caller and trashing me on the air. I demanded an on-air apology from Harlan within one week…or else. The station acknowledged they were at fault and agreed to immediately comply.

So, a week later, Harlan called into the show and apologized….and then said something like "the caller wasn’t Lee Goldberg, but you can’t blame me for thinking it was him, because he IS a dishonest scumbag whose articles aren’t worth wrapping a dead fish in," and on and on he went, basically repeating everything he’d said about me before. I wasn’t angry…in fact, I found it very funny and pure Harlan Ellison.

I later served with Harlan for a few years on the Editorial Board of the WGA Journal, where we frequently disagreed with one another. He’s a great writer, who deserves respect for his work, but I’ve always found his act tiresome and silly. Which reminds me…

When I was a student at UCLA, I remember taking the bus to campus and seeing him sitting in the window of a science fiction bookstore and writing like some sort of animal on display in a zoo. A writer at work in his natural habitat. I guess you could call it performance art…maybe that’s what his grope was, too.

“This Year, Like Last Year, The Best is Right Here, on CBS!”

Mark Evanier takes a moment to appreciate those great, summer-time, fall promos the networks used to do.

I’m sorry they so rarely make these spots these days. You always got a
catchy jingle — to the point where many of them would reverberate in
your skull, long after the shows they were trying to sell had been
cancelled.

He’s got the video…but I’ve got some audio, which I recorded off the air with a tape recorder when I was a kid. Here’s the scratchy audio for the ABC schedule, EXECUTIVE SUITE, SWITCH, THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, SHAFT, HOLMES AND YOYO, THE NEW PERRY MASON, BARBARY COAST, SPENCER’S PILOTS, CHASE, SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON, STARSKY AND HUTCH, and the CBS Saturday Comedy Block.

(All of the above audio clips, and many more, I donated to TVParty some years back)

Alive Again

It’s amazing what ten hours of sleep will do for you. I don’t feel like one of the living dead any more, though I did chew off my daughter’s left arm this morning for breakfast.  Afterwards, I caught up with the season finale of DEADWOOD (or, perhaps, the series finale). Damn, what a great show this is. I still can’t figure out, though, what David Milch had in mind for that theatre troop storyline…seems like a complete waste to me. I would have preferred to spend more time this season with the DEADWOOD regulars, like the doctor and Tolliver, than the troop. Gerald McRaney was a revelation as Hearst…it will be interesting to see if he brings any of that newfound gravitas to his work on the new CBS series JERICHO.

I’ve started catching up on my email and snail-mail and discovered that it’s been officially announced by the Mystery Writers of American that I am going to be the chair of the Edgar Awards for 2008.  It basically means that I have to start begging, extorting and blackmailing writers I know to serve as judges. Consider this fair warning, my author-friends…

I’ve also taken a few moments to skim the fanfic debates that raged on my back-blog here while I was away and have, much to my delight and surprise, found far more comments of substance than vitriol (on both sides of the debate).

I have a ton of work to do today…but I think I’m going to follow my brother Tod’s advice and take a day off instead to recharge my completely depleted physical and creative batteries. Deadlines are mounting, but a man needs his rest.

Home on the Range

Start05_1
I’ve just returned from another whirlwind trip to Cologne, Munich, and Berlin, where I met with the network honchos at ProSieben, RTL and Sat 1 with my good friends at Action Concept, the production company behind the long-running, hit German series ALARM FOR COBRA 11 (among others). I had a great time, though I am exhausted and suffering from a major case of jet lag that started over a week ago and hasn’t let up. My Tivo is bulging with shows I missed while I was away (including the DEADWOOD finale) but I am too tired to sit in front of a TV. In fact, I am fighting sleep as I type these very words….

Fistful of Laughs

I absolutely love my brother Tod’s "Letters to Parade" feature on his blog. I never miss it … even now, while I’m toiling in Berlin (he really has to gather them all together  into a book).  Today’s edition was so funny, I almost wet myself:

Exhibit B: Dan Travers of Cincinnati, Ohio. Mr. Travers,
you insipid fucktard, I ask you:  When was the last time you saw a bunch
of 65 year olds performing A Chorus Line?

When A Chorus Line returns to Broadway next month, will it feature any members of the original 1975 cast?

Yes,
Dan, they are all returning. Even though they are collectively 1239
years old, the entire original cast is planning on stuffing their
sagging appendages into the leotards once again to reprise their roles
from THIRTY ONE FUCKING YEARS AGO. What is wrong with you, Dan? I mean,
really? Where’s the disconnect between reality and whatever it is
you’re living in? Is there anything you did especially well in 1975
that you’d want people to see you doing today? Even the writer of A
Chorus Line, James Kirkwood, is dead. Do you want him to reprise his
role, too?

And that’s just a sample of the fun and frolic awaiting you at Tod’s blog today.

At Least Tod Isn’t Up Against George Pelecanos Again

My brother Tod is a finalist for the Southern California Booksellers’ Assocation Award for Best Fiction…a list that includes Aimee Bender (his friend since he was 11), Susan Straight, Carolyn See and the team of Jennifer Kaufman & Karen Mack.  In the mystery category, my friends T. Jefferson Parker, Paul Levine, Barbara Seranella,  Jacqueline Winspear and Denise Hamilton all snagged well-deserved nominations.

Speaking of awards, I just got word over here in the Berlin that  Tony Shalhoub snagged a third Emmy for his performance in MONK, and my friend Terry Winter snagged his second (or is it third?) Emmy for his writing on THE SOPRANOS.  Howard Gordon also copped an statuette for his amazing work running 24 this year. Congratulations one and all!