The Mail I Get

The Mail I Get – Awesome, Outstanding, Astounding Edition

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I got this email the other day…

I read a few of your reviews and I admire your candour.

I am searching for reviewers for my Kindle books and I am finding this extremely difficult.

I am a Beauty therapy mentor from Europe and I wondered if you have any suggestions.

I have no idea what a “beauty therapy mentor” is, so I checked out her Amazon author page, where it says that she is “a former therapist and an outstanding tutor,”  that “doctors are impressed with her astounding knowledge,” and that she is “an understanding person with great insight” who is  “an inspiration to all therapists” because she possesses “deep insight into health and client care” and demonstrates “her outstanding talent through the books she has written.” She forgot to mention her awesome, outstanding, and astounding modesty. But after reading all of that, I don’t know what praise a critic could give her that she hasn’t heaped on herself. Maybe that’s why she is having a hard time finding reviewers…

The Mail I Get – Tie-In Edition

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Tied In

Tied InI got two very similar emails today asking, basically, the same question about tie-ins. Here they are:

I’m seeking guidance on writing a novel series for a past TV franchise that continues to hold a loyal fan base.  You had accessibility to writing the Monk novels from your freelance work on the show and your established relationship with the creator.  Any suggestions on who would be the appropriate contact to query regarding rights from a past dramedy for which I am interested in writing a novel series?  Would it be the creator via his agent or someone else?

And here’s the other one:

wanted to let you know that lately I’ve read several of your Monk novels and have enjoyed them greatly. I wanted to ask you how would someone approach studios regarding writing novels based on existing shows? I’ve a Doctor Who novel and was wondering if you had any pointers on how I should approach publishers. Who do I approach – do I approach BBC Books direct or do I approach the TV company, copyright holders?

The simple answer is that, in most cases, TV tie-in books are publisher-generated and do not come about because of an author’s interest in the property. The way it usually works is that either the rights-holder (usually a studio) with a hot series property auctions the publishing rights to the highest bidder…or a publisher approaches the rights-holder (usually through the licensing department of a studio) about licensing the publishing rights to a property. Either way, the publisher will pay the rights-holder a license fee as well as a percentage of the sales. The rights-holder also maintains creative control of the project and provides photos, logos, and other marketing materials related to the show. Once the rights are secured, the publisher then seeks out authors to write the tie-in books…usually going to established professional writers who they know can work within tight guidelines and deliver a strong, clean manuscript in very little time.

As unproven authors, you really have nothing to offer the rights-holders of a classic, or hit, TV series that would motivate them to license the novel rights to you. If a publisher is already producing books in a tie-in series…like, say, STAR TREK or DOCTOR WHO, you could contact the editor and pitch yourself as someone to consider to write one of the books, but the chances of that approach succeeding are, to be blunt, nil.

So the bottom line is there’s really no way for you to interest a studio in letting you write novels based on one of their shows unless you approach them with a publisher attached…or you are already a big name in your own right and having you attached to the book would guarantee significant sales and publicity. You can learn more about tie-in writing, and how the tie-in biz works by reading Tied In: The Business, History and Craft of Media Tie-in Writing

The Mail I Get

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This email is the opposite of a persuasive pitch:

I bought one of your “Monk” books and your mother’s book.  I don’t honestly know why I kinda like you, but I do. […]My new book is historical fiction about a little town in Kansas next to a Pawnee Indian reservation and the things that happen to the people who live there.  The year is 1875.  So I had to do a lot of research.  It’s an easy read and I think you’d like it.  It’s only $1.99 on Kindle.  Sooo, if you are bored between 1:00 a,m, and 3:00 a,m, or are stuck on an airplane, it’s a good read.

Connie

Here are a few useful tips if you want me to read your book, Connie. Don’t think that because you bought my book (or my mother’s) that I feel any obligation to read yours. Don’t imply you can barely tolerate my existence. Don’t say that the main reasons for reading your book are that you worked hard on it, it’s cheap and it beats being bored on a sleepless night. And, finally, don’t expect me to read it if you neglect to include both your full name and the title of your book in the email.

UPDATE:  I’ve heard back from Connie:

Don’t think that because you are a published writer you have the right to be rude. winnie-connie-a-neal-paperback-cover-art The name of my book was in the subject line of the email.  You can be assured I’ll never purchase another one of your books.  And, the one you wrote with Janet is boring.  You need to find a sense of humor somewhere.  In no way was I implying that you should read my book because I read yours.  My email threw you, didn’t it?  I believe you have taken on Monk’s personality – close minded and degrading.  Please do not read my book –  It’s much too clever for you.

She’s right about one thing — the title was in the subject line. My bad. Sorry about that. The book is Winnie (Life in 1875). So I took a look at it. The cover looks like an ad for Excedrin, but I don’t think they had that medication in 1875, though judging by the writing in the sample, you will need a bottle if you decide to read the book. I’m sorry, was that rude?

The Mail I Get

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6073952I got this question today about publishing with a small, “cooperative press.”

Is Jan-Carol Publishing a vanity press? Should I publish my book with them? They are asking for my book and I just cannot tell clearly what the answer to this question might be. perhaps that is reason enough to be concerned.

I wouldn’t call it a vanity press…but pretty close to it. Your tip-off is that they describe themselves as “a cooperative between a small independent publishing group and a motivated force of authors.” That means you, a motivated author, will need to kick in money. And “small, independent publishing group” usually means either a token advance or none at all and most likely digital and print-on-demand publication, and very limited distribution for “select titles” (if your dream is to have your book stocked by Colonial Heights Pharmacy in Kingsport, TN, or Hindman Settlement School Gift Shop in Hindman, KY or Poor Fork Arts and Crafts Guild, this is the publisher for you). They also describe themselves as “a progressive small press publisher with a competitive edge and promotional blend of self publishing and traditional publishing.” In other words, be prepared to write a check. 519p72FLMLL._SY346_

You have to ask yourself Jan-Carol offers you in return for your “cooperation” and their share of the profits that you can’t do for yourself through Amazon or Barnes & Noble’s free self-publishing platforms. Is it distribution? Nope. You can get into Amazon and B&N yourself and their list of retailers for “select books” is unimpressive, to say the least. Is it professional cover art? Nope. Their books look like grade school art projects. At best. Is it editing? Nope, at least not based on the samples I’ve read. Is it featured space on a slick, high-end website? Nope. Their website is pretty basic and the only exposure they offer is a list of author websites and links..but  the Amazon & B&N links don’t even go to the individual books, just to the main pages for Amazon and B&N. Amateurish. If there is an upside or “competitive edge” to publishing with them as opposed to publishing on your own, I don’t see it.

I’d recommend self-publishing rather than going with any small-time,  “cooperative” outfits like this.

The Mail I Get

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diagnosis murder
Here’s a sampling from the mailbag this week.  I got this note from a Diagnosis Murder fan:

please  put diagnosis murder back on youtube it is one of my favorite tv shows in the wide world and also airwolf is one of my favoritew shows as well  i miss diagnosis murder  very much i watch it almost  all day long  signed  a upset fan of the show    anna

I have nothing to do with any Diagnosis Murder episodes that are posted on YouTube. That said, whoever posted them as violating the copyright and the studio probably had the videos yanked. The good news is that the entire series is coming out on DVD later this summer…and I wrote the liner notes for the seasons that Bill Rabkin and I worked on. More on that soon.

Hi Lee

I just love your Monk Books, and when it was on TV, the show too.

I was noticing in my iTunes there is an author who has written some Mr. Monk books by the name of Hy Conrad. Is this a pen name or is someone actually writing Mr. Monk books and why aren’t you?

I have bought all of Mr. Monk books by you either through stores or in my iTunes.

I would appreciate it if you could email me and let me know the reason for the change in authors.

Thank you for your kind words about the book. I decided, after 15 books, that it was time to move on to other things. Hy Conrad is, indeed, a real person and he’s picked up where I left off. His first book, Mr. Monk Helps Himself, just came out. You can read more about it here.

Mr. Goldberg,

After reading THE HEIST I have read most of your work and enjoyed it a great deal.

Wondering if we will indeed see Tom Wade …..or even Harvey Mapes again ( the references to Travis McGee and Spenser et al hilarious….and prompted me to reread a couple of old John D McDonalds..great fun)

And why are you not in ibooks?

Thank you for your work!

I will definitely be writing a King City sequel, but I’ve got the sequel to The Heist to do first! King City was published by Amazon’s Thomas & Mercer imprint, and I believe iBookstore refuses to carry Amazon titles. As for my backlist titles (Watch Me Die, The Walk, etc), I have an exclusive agreement with Amazon to publish and sell those books…at least for the time being.

 

The Mail I Get

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KingCityI’ve been getting lots of reader mail lately with questions about my Diagnosis Murder, King City and Monk novels. Here’s a sampling of some of the questions and my answers:

First of all, I want to say thank you for bring Sharona back into the Monk series in 2012 with Mr. Monk on Patrol.  She was my favorite sidekick on the TV show and to see here reincarnated again in the book series was a delight for a reader and a fan of the TV Show.

Secondly, I was wondering if it would be possible to revive your Diagnosis Murder series again.  I used to watch Diagnosis Murder all the time as a kid, and reading the few books that are available that you wrote made me appreciate the show and the creativity behind the plot and the whodunit moment.  To read more adventures of Dr. Mark Sloan and his crime sleuth team would be a treat.  Is that something that could be worked out?

I replied: I’m glad you’re enjoying the Diagnosis Murder and Monk books. I’m afraid the ship has sailed on Diagnosis Murder. I was also a writer and executive producer the TV series during it’s long run…and after 100 episodes and eight books, I felt that I’d explored every aspect of those characters that I wanted to….and got to end the series the way I always intended (with Diagnosis Murder: The Last Word).

Once I walked away, my publisher let their license from Paramount/Viacom lapse on the books. Perhaps some day another publisher will decide to license the rights, and hire another writer to carry on, but I think it’s very unlikely. As for Monk, I actually brought Sharona back in an earlier book, Mr. Monk and the Two Assistants, which also predated her “return” on the TV series as well.

How did you come up with the title for King City?  I was raised in King City, CA so I’m sure you are not from there or the local newspaper, (we KC-ites call it, “The Rustler”) would have you all over the front page at least once a month!!  Since it’s a weekly newspaper and comes out on Thursdays they have to give some time to real crimes on their streets.

I replied: I have no idea how I came up with the name King City for my fictional metropolis in the Pacific Northwest. It just popped into my head. That said, I am a native Californian and have spent a lot of time in the Monterey area (when I was a kid we had a cabin in Capitola), so it’s possible the name of the town stuck with me all of these years, though I don’t remember ever having visited it.

Imagine how dismayed I was when I watched the final episode of the TV-series “Monk”, which I had discovered a few months earlier in reruns. It had become my favorite TV show. But then I got lucky. Quite by chance I discovered your Monk novel Mr. Monk on Patrol in a mail-order catalogue. Well, here was a chance to continue my Monk adventures. Having watched the series, I could visualize every scene in the book as if it were a TV show. Monk is his usual self, the plot is intricate and complex and the book is an easy and enjoyable read. Just one thing: You used who a couple of times when it should have been whom. If you like you can e-mail me any sentence with those words in it, and I’ll tell you which is correct. You’ll thank me later.

I replied: I’m so glad that you discovered the Monk books and that you are enjoying them. I’ve stopped writing the Monk books, but I can tell you the “who” instead of “whom” mistakes were entirely intentional, much to the consternation of my copyeditor. I know when and where to use “whom,” but I chose not to because it reads stodgy and awkward and I am a horrible human being. Most people do not use “whom” when they talk to one another.

The Mail I Get

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Louisiana FeverIn my “The Mail I Get” posts, I’ve shared dozens of examples of the lame pitches I’ve received from inept publicists and clueless authors about their books. Well, now I thought it was time to show you an example of how it’s done right. Here’s an excerpt of a very effective pitch that I got from a publicist today:

My name is Anna Ryan, and I’m representing a uniquely clever, and altogether fun, forensic medical mystery entitled, Lousiana Fever, written by forensic medical expert, DJ Donaldson.  Louisiana Fever is the latest in the Andrew Broussard mysteries. […]Donaldson is known for his medical expertise, and his meticulous attention to scientific detail within his stories. But he’s also known for his colorful characters too.  What I particularly love is how the protagonist–medical examiner Andrew Broussard–is not only an amazing forensic detective, but is decidedly obese and unabashedly loves food (almost as much as I do!) The interplay between him and his gorgeous counterpart, Kit Franklyn, make for a really fast-paced and uniquely clever mystery plot.  Add in the sumptuous New Orleans, LA backdrop and you have a really enjoyable read…

The pitch not only conveys what is unique and interesting about the book and its author, but its shrewdly written in a chatty, personal way that makes it seem less like a press release and more like a recommendation from a friend. The accompanying press release included a blurb from Tess Gerritsen and an punchy lead:

Andy Broussard, the “Plump and Proud” New Orleans medical examiner, obviously loves food.  Less apparent to the casual observer is his hatred of murderers. Together with his gorgeous sidekick, psychologist Kit Franklyn, Broussard forms a powerful, although improbable, mystery solving duo.

All in all, very well done.

The Mail I Get

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I got an inept request today to read a script that sounded more like one of those Nigerian email scams.

Hi Mr Goldberg i glad and very happy to write to you because for so long i have been looking forward to communicate to you sir. SIR i have a film script for about 112pages its a thriller, i want to sell to you with the believe that you are the wright and perfect producer for it. SIR i trust your great ability in the film industry and I myself i m very pleased to say that you have greatly inspired a lot. you can contact me on my mobile phone[XYZ] or in my email address i m available at any time sir.

The Mail I Get

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I got this email from a passionate fan in the UK of the TV show PRISON BREAK…

 

 I am just writing to ask you about some information that i require about writing a TV Show.

So, you must of heard of the hit TV Show called Prison Break right? Due to the high demand of many viewers who have been

dedicating their time on creating fan sites and Facebook pages to get themselves heard about a brand new Prison Break.

Well, taking this into account i decided to start writing a Bible on Prison Break 2. A sequel to the previous US TV Show. However,

I do not have any information on whether or not i will have to contact the creator (Paul T Scheuring) in order to be able to go forward with this.

I am really in need of some help as i have dedicated nearly a month of my life into creating an idea and being able to present it well.

In my opinion, as well as other feedback I have received from fans, tells me that the Prison Break 2 will go on to be a success.

I am waiting in anticipation for your reply.

Thank You Very Much.

I get emails like this a lot. It’s great that a TV show has sparked your creativity, but I’m afraid you’ve wasted a month of your life and your creative efforts.

To mount a new series of PRISON BREAK, you would not only need the permission of the show’s creator, but more importantly the studio that produced the show and owns the rights. On top of that, nobody is going to be interested in an idea for a new PRISON BREAK series from someone who has no connection to the show and is not an experienced TV writer or producer.
Working on new material for TV programs that are off the air, and that you did not create and do not own, is a complete waste of your time. You are much better off coming up with something entirely original and devoting your energies to that.

The Mail I Get

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I got an email from the maker of nutritional supplements urging me to take a stand against “sock puppet” fake reviews. How? By reviewing his product. Not only will I be striking a blow against fake reviews but, as an added incentive, he says it will also boost my own “helpful” review stats.

Help me stop these fake “sock puppet” Amazon reviews.

I found your Amazon Review profile and wanted to see if you would like to review a nutritional supplement with “excessive” buzz?

XYZ was recently featured on the Dr Oz show and instantly became the world’s #1 selling nutritional supplement. I’m not kidding, this product beat the top selling Multivitamin in Sales Rank!

Right now we are competing with some other companies to be the product with the most reviews on Amazon for “XYZ”.

I’m pretty sure the two biggest reviewed competitors above us are using fake reviews to get to the top sales ranks. After looking through their reviews, it’s pretty obvious that some of the “customers” are not real people.

Just shill accounts with hilarious reviews:

“This product is puppy dogs and rainbows. I lost 100 pounds, it cured my cancer, and it made me a millionaire in 5 seconds! Buy it!”

We’ve decided under no circumstances to use fake reviews, but we still want to beat these guys!

Right now we have 49 reviews and 4.5 stars, all from real customers.

The top seller has 302 reviews, a bunch of which are fake.

We can beat them the old fashioned way. With real reviews!

I’d like to send you a free bottle of our product XYZ in exchange for an honest review. I’m not asking for a 5 star review. You can give it 1 star and I’ll be happy.

Since this is one of the hottest selling products on Amazon, you have the opportunity to rack up a ton of helpful votes and views for your review.

I don’t see how helping him rack up reviews for his product will strike a blow against sock-puppetry or help him battle the unfair tactics of his competitors (especially since he claims his pills are already “one of the hottest selling” products on Amazon). He may not to be asking for fake praise, but his solicitation is still uniquely idiotic and sleazy.