The Mail I Get

The Mail I Get

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Here’s a book I will never read:

Dear Lee,

I would like to introduce you to Fembodyverse: An Inner-Stellar Adventure into Womanhood. Seventeen-year-old Estelle has one wish—to feel like a woman. She believes by losing her virginity she will receive this magical feeling. Not only does this modern induction fool her, but an inner voice beckons her to a more ingenuous initiation. With a trusted guide, Estelle begins her inner-stellar adventure into womanhood, traveling through her body’s vast and starry dimensions. There, she cavorts with creatures, unravels mysteries, and meets unforgettable friends as she unlocks her embodied wisdom. Back and forth from the internal world and the external world she travels, her family and friends think she’s lost her mind as Estelle courageously claims her majestic value from the inside out.
Fembodyverse chronicles the adventures of a new archetype and superheroine of our time; Estelle is here to infuse our world with inside-out value for women and girls everywhere.

I don’t know about you, but I’m afraid to ask what it means to “infuse our world with inside-out value for women” by “cavorting with creatures” and exploring your “body’s vast and starring dimensions.” But I do like that last phrase. I am no longer on a diet to lose weight. I am dieting to control my body’s “vast and starry dimensions.”

The Mail I Get – Mr. Monk Edition

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MM_Gets_EVEN_mmI have been flooded with emails from readers of MR. MONK GETS EVEN, my 15th and final MONK book. The reaction has been so heartfelt, and so positive, that it almost makes me feel guilty for walking away from the series…though I know it's in very good hands now with my friend Hy Conrad picking up where I left off.

Here's just a sampling of some of the many, many emails I've received and the very nice things readers have been saying:

I’m about to start reading your last Monk novel, and I’m going to read very slowly because I don’t want it to be over. Thank you for giving me so much reading enjoyment, including many laugh-out-loud moments.– Jan Roan

Why do all good things have to come to an end? Your Monk series is absolutely delightful. I got excited every time a new book came out. Thank you for what you've given to die hard Monk fans. It really meant alot.  – Classiceman

ANOTHER BRILLIANT book!!!! And was so sad and shocked to read that this is your last Monk book. It was like a Monk Major Life event when I read that news. Anyway, thank-you for the many many years of great enjoyable reading. –Steve H. Karsten

As I read the last few MONK books, I realized you might be finishing the series.  I am so disappointed!   The enjoyment of visiting all the MONK characters is a treat, your style is easy to read, and a perfect way to relax.  The humor is amazing, and I suppose I will now be reduced to re-reading these novels again and again. — Amy Tomlin

Thanks for all of the Monk books.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye to Mr. Monk when the show ended!  Loved the way you wrapped it all up. –Joelle Peterson

Thank you for 15 great Monk novels and innumerable hours of enjoyment. I am sorry to read number fifteen will be your last. Other than having great characters and a great mystery, the books were an outlet for me in my struggle against depression. Seriously. Whether I couldn't concentrate long enough or hold interest in other writers, I never missed a Monk book. Humor, mystery, and clean, I will miss them. Time to start the rereads, I guess. God's blessings to you, Mr. Goldberg. Not meaning to be maudlin, but you provided some light, enjoyable moments for me during dark times. Thank you–Jeff 



I started Mr. Monk Gets Even yesterday and finished reading it today. Well done. It feels as if at the age of '56' I am laying down a down a good friend who I am going to miss. I periodically will continue to go back and read "Monk" and listen to all the audiobooks I have of each one, probably as long as I live. I fully understand your reasoning and 'why', but I just wanted to tell you that your writings will be GREATLY missed. I would be remiss if I had failed to let you know. . Thank you again for your contributions not only to the writing field, but also for the hours of enjoyment you have brought to this life. — Greg Souder

Hey Lee, just finished your final book sharing Monk's and Natalie's adventures. Thanks for an amazing ride – you'll definitely be missed!— Debbie Laskey

Just finished Mr. Monk Gets Even – an awesome ending to a fantastic series! Sad it's over but couldn't put it down. – J. Wilson

Thank you for writing the Monk books! I had never before gotten into a series of books that were based on a tv show. Once I picked up the first one though, I was hooked! I enjoy the books every bit as much as the show, if not more! — Celest Elmer

I really enjoyed your books and one of the things I liked best about your writing is that you've given Natalie a snarkiness that was just somewhat implied in the TV show. I like snarky Natalie […] I read that you are 'retiring' from the novel series but I thought I'd just write and express my appreciation for the fine work you've done with the Mr Monk novels. 

–Danny Chen


There are fun benefits to having seen all the Monk episodes and reading all the Monk books. I just read Mr. Monk Gets Even and really enjoyed the references to past works and shows. And the nod to Diagnosis Murder! Thanks, Lee, for the great journey with you and Mr. Monk!!

— Ruth Fisher Stoddard

Haven't been this excited since Deathly Hallows. Thanks for an awesome run Lee. I sure do love this series. — Kelly Choma

I finished Mr. Monk Gets Even today… it was absolutely lovely!! I've thoroughly enjoyed each one in your series – and this one absolutely glows! I appreciate how the characters have continued to grow throughout the series, including Mr. Monk – whether he likes it or not. You've taken such incredibly good care of each one of them. And though I wouldn't have believed I would, I even enjoy the new regular characters. It all just works beautifully! Honestly, before this, I've always scoffed at the idea of book series based on TV shows, but Mr. Monk's absence from TV drove me to give them a chance. Well – you've completely won me over! I've become as big a fan of the Mr. Monk books, as I am the show. Thanks for such a wonderful series – and for keeping Mr. Monk going strong!! – Heather Sikora James

 


Related articles
Mr. Monk and the New Author
My Final Monk

The Mail I Get

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I got this question today…

I found you on the net searching for publishing companies , checking out tate etc.. and your name came up on a Review kinda about them.. I was wondering in the blog you mentioned the Lulu and something else.. question I had was… I am looking for a better way to do the same work as this company , it seems my Book is only main stream online not really in alot of book stores at this time.. thus I could do the same myself? you had mentioned Amazon as well..I write about the conflict of life in question , anything from religious and questionable I love to question thinking and one self in question… life whatever can help anyone.. well I can imagine you get alot of mail.. any advice?

Yes. This is going to sound very cruel, but my advice is to go back and take a basic English course. Once you've learned how to construct coherent sentences, and then how to shape them into paragraphs that convey a story, then you can worry about how to publish a book. Judging by your email to me, the biggest problem you have now isn't finding an honest self-publishing company, it's mastering the craft of writing itself. 

 

The Mail I Get – Made My Day Edition

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I was very touched and flattered by this email, so I had to share it with you:

I say Thank You for my discovery of reading. That might sound strange coming from a 51 year male whose wife has thousands of books in our house. But I have never read a book since I was forced to in high school, even then I'm not sure I actually did.

While my wife was looking at books at a tag sale my daughter was looking at Mr. Monk is Miserable, she put it down, after my wife purchased several books we were leaving when the man gave my daughter the book. It was very nice of him, but what happened next has changed my life.

My daughter read the book. And when she was done she said, Dad, I know you don't read, but please try reading this book. My wife reads hundreds of books a year and had never gotten me to pick up a book, but when my little girl asked me to, I did. I could not put the book down. It was so easy to read, problem was it was the 7th book. I have a lot of catching up to do. So for my birthday I got book #1, Christmas, books 2, 3, and 4. So reading the acknowledgments I saw your website, and got your email address, and just wanted to say thank you.

You know I'll be getting the rest of the series to read, and after that I'm sure reading is in my future.

Isn't that amazing? I am going to keep this email on my wall so that when the writing gets tough, I'll be reminded of readers like him, stop my whining, and press on.

 

The Mail I Get

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I got this solicitation today from a woman I don't know:

I am the owner of this new platform a company that is launching now..

www.menduniversebuzz.wordpress.com

i am looking for some referrals re a writer for a novelization that launches as the prequel book to this universe…

I am half way through with an outline that needs to be re-edited and dialogue added…

full 118 page film script available to work with and my original epic and my team and all else.. I own all the rights to these works – registered at the writers guild etc.

I couldn't make any sense out of the email, so I looked at the site. That was even more incomprehensible (though just as badly written). It appears to be a blog dedicated to some fantasy world she's created and wants to exploit in books,movies, and a store. I think it has something to do with the magic of music, or musical magic, or God knows what. It's a real rambling mess.

It appears what she's looking for is someone to novelize a movie script of an outline of a novel that doesn't yet exist, except as a book proposal and an incoherent blog.

Well, she came to the right guy. I can't think of something I'd rather do or a more valuable use of my time. But darn it, I'm just too busy with other committments to jump at this great opportunity.

So it's all yours. Go for it.

The Mail I Get – Tell My Story Edition

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I get lots of emails from folks who want me to write about their lives. I have no idea why, since I don't write biographies. The query I got today struck me as particularly odd.

hello, my name is jeremy XYZ. i have recently been convicted of fraudulant practice. just wondering if you or any other author would be interested in making a book. i am still not found guilty in court. but i am convicted of changing bar codes on products. this is a new trending crime. i am looking to do a tell all, once all court business is taken care of. i am not much of an author, but i feel that i can help someone publish a detailed book with alot of info that will catch readers minds and have them spreading the word. please feel free to call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or e-mail me back. 

I'd call him, but there's a real glut of adventures set in the thrill-packed world of barcode fraud.

The Mail I Get

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I got an email the other day from Dan X. He wrote:

I'm trying to become a tv show writer and was wandering if you could help me out.

I replied:

I sure can — all my best advice is in my book SUCCESSFUL TELEVISION WRITING. http://www.amazon.com/Successful-Television-Writing-Lee-Goldberg/dp/047143168

He replied:

I  was wandering if there was any other way, cause I'm good at creating tv shows but I just need someone like cbs to get ahold of

 

The Mail I Get

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I get lots of emails from people who want me to help them sell their TV series ideas. Here are a couple of the most recent ones:

I have created the ultimate tv cop show detective series and I want YOU to write it.  You hardly have to do anything since I've come up with all the stories all ready. Write me at XYZ right away or I will go to someone else. YOU dont want to regret it later.

And another:

I have written the complete bible and full pilot script for a TV series and I need to get it to someone at a major network (ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX) who has the authority to greenlight. I don't live in Hollywood and I don't have an agent but I know what I am doing and this is a great show. If you could pass it up the ladder for me, you would be my first choice to be a writer on the show when it goes to series.

Others just want me to be their penpal. This one was about 1000 words, so I have edited it down some:

I see you have written on some shows I like. Namely Monk, wonderful show. I too am a budding producer/writer/researcher/technology developer/ and game designer… ok Im a bit scattered. I have lots of interests and I explore different forms of media from time to time as it suits me. I am developing a few show ideas..

[…] Im going to be doing a home and garden show. i like to garden and I want to learn about making tv shows. […] I think doing a garden show first is a good choice. Its popular, easy to keep fresh all year, with plenty to do in each week and not a lot of costs. Hard work, dirt, water and seeds. I dont need a big production crew or any talent. 

[…]I do have one or two 'hollywood' class shows Id like to do. I wont bog you down with details. One is a crime solving forensic science show with a nice story over several seasons I think will do well.

[…] Well, thanks for taking the time to read, if you don't mind, can I add you on linkedIn and corresponde with youfrom time to time about writing novels and creating tv shows and movies?

The Mail I Get

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Today it's not my mail, but some that my friend author Joel Goldman received from a self-published author of erotic novels. She offered to swap reviews with him. He decided to play dumb, though he had a pretty good idea where this was going. He asked her:

Are we talking about reading each other’s books before we review them or just posting reviews of them?

And she replied:

Whatever suits you.

I checked out your work and it looks fine and properly formatted. If you want me to read and review it i’ll do it with five stars.

Similarly if you want me to post or reword your review I’ll do that too. What I’m after is a five star review on Amazon with as little work and as quickly as possible. I’m not asking you to read [title of book], I guess you have better things to do.

My first chapter is up there (on line), so you can judge the writing, I can post you a review to submit or reword or a synopsis to save you time.

Joel politely declined. This exchange would be funny if this sort of "review swapping" wasn't so common, especially among newbie authors. Just check out forums like Kindleboards and you'll see for yourself. 

What's really sad isn't how they are devaluing reviews, or how low their literary standards are ("it looks fine and is properly formatted") but that they don't see what's wrong with what they are doing, or how badly leaving rave reviews for books they haven't read (and are probably shit) reflects on their reputations, both as authors and as reviewers.

They simply don't care.

All that matters to them is garnering praise, even if its entirely fake and undeserved. They are so desperate for acclaim, success and respect that they have forgotten all those things have to be earned…and how good it feels when it is. 

And that's a feeling you'll never get from reviews by people who've never actually read your book…or, in the case of John Locke, from people you pay to buy your book and rave about it.

You're not just fooling customers, you're fooling yourself, and that might be the most hurtful swindle of all.

 

The Mail I Get

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People seem to think I'm available for hire, and at a moment's notice, too. I get a lot of emails like this one, which I received this morning:

could you please call me ref writing a book…I need help. here is my number: XXX-XXX-XXXX

Then, an hour later:

ok its early. my number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. Dont know if i could afford u but i would gladly pay to have this story portrayed as fiction..and it may save someones life thanks truth IS stranger than fiction

I'm not calling her. Ever. Or responding to her emails (I expect to get more as she awaits the call that will never come).

I also get a lot of variations on the following email:

My Dad is a big, big Monk fan and has read all of your books. Please send him an autographed book or a personalized, signed, chatty note by regular mail, preferably hand-written (NOT a form letter! It must be personal!). He would appreciate it very much. His name is Dave XYZ. Here is his mailing address. Thank you.

What always gets me about these kinds of emails are the very specific demands. My reflex is to ignore bossy emails like this one, particularly ones that want free books (they do know I make my living SELLING books, right??). But I do appreciate Dave's long readership, and don't want to penalize him for his son's "you-work-for-me" attitude. So I sent Dave a handwritten postcard:

Dave,

Mr. Monk says "never eat mixed nuts." Hope you follow his advice and continue to enjoy the books.

Lee 

PS – This card makes a handy bookmark or coaster. Never fold page corners or leave rings on tables.